posted on Jan, 9 2012 @ 09:17 PM
I did not want to become pregnant. I was simply careless. I assumed it was not that big of a deal, my BF and I had already picked out the names for
our children. If it happened then we would cross that bridge in time. So as I stood in the bathroom staring at a bright pink line and the bright pink
line stared back at me, the bathroom surrounding me slipped away into nothingness and I found myself in an empty dark cavern where a distant voice was
echoing ever louder and louder, "you're ruining in my life, your ruining my life"
In an instant I blinked and found myself in the living room staring at vomit on the very expensive rug that belonged to our landlord. Somewhere curled
up on a sofa was my BF. my eyes flashed past him on my way to the kitchen. I cleaned up the mess but the echoes never went away entirely. Over the
next few months they became so loud and aggressive I left. I went to my fathers house.
My father lived on private property that stretched for miles in all directions. It was surrounded by nothing but forest on one side and a lake on the
other. There was a huge gate as an entrance to the property and only our family had the key to enter. Once you past through the gate there was a long
dirt road that winded through the woods with a steep decline twisting its way down into a "hollow". Nestled in this hollow was my dads place.
When I was pregnant I had terrible dreams, and the oppressive humid air of the south in the summer did not help. One morning I awoke drenched in
sweat, gasping for air as if something had shoved a pillow over my face. I jumped out of bed and went outside on the back porch to breathe fresher
air. The sun was spreading its first rays over the hollow and the hummingbirds were buzzing at the feeders on the porch.
My dads car was gone. He woke up in the dark to make his 2 hour commute into his job in the city. There were no jobs to be had in the small forgotten
towns nearby. I was alone.
I was alone.
Never had i felt so alone in my whole life. Alone with nothing but a reminder of all my mistakes, all my arrogance, all my naïveté. There was no
one to save me....no one could turn back time. No knight on a white horse to rescue me and my unwanted child. I had done the unthinkable--I created a
human....without even thinking at all.
The sun began to drip down in front of me, rays fell on my soaked white cotton nightgown. The air became wet and the sun fixed it's rays on me like
a laser beam, I sat down on the steps and hid my head from the glare. Shame swept over me, wave after wave of emotion pounded my heart. I felt my
temples pulsing....blood boiled under my skin and I couldn't bare another moment of exposure. I ran.
I flew down the dirt road as if Satan himself were after my soul. The dust kicked up all around me but I ran for my life, something was coming fast
behind me....I choked on the dust, but I ran for my life. Escape was my only hope, my only solution. The sun followed me like a beacon, shining in
every direction until I thought I'd catch fire. I saw shadow out the corner of my eye, I changed course and ran toward the shadow of the woods.
The forest was thick and wild and green with undergrowth. It was cool with shade and heavy with the scent of a million organisms blooming and growing.
The aroma of damp wood enticed me and the soft soil kissed my dry aching feet. I could breathe here. The trees welcomed me with outstretched arms and
I felt enclosed by bramble and vine. There was no haughty sun to look down in judgement upon me here.
I wondered aimlessly admiring the woods, until I realized peeking through the tender branches the sun was above me and I could not escape. I fell down
and asked if all of this was meant to be? Had I truly made a mistake? If this was a mistake I wanted proof. I spoke aloud and there was no answer,
only the stillness in my heart and the distant rustling in the forest bed of creatures small and meek. There were no answers, there was no god, there
was no path, there was nothing but my mistake and as I picked myself up only sorrow and regret filled my heart. I had failed my child before it was
even born. I had abandoned it to a life without a father and the whole world would forever judge me for it. I had played god and created with no
thought of consequence. I was doomed to carry that burden alone. The burden weighed on me with every step I took deeper into the woods, as the trees
guided me along I felt swept by the branches until I came to a large creek.
The water looked cool and clean. I held on to trees and roots as I made my way down to the waters edge. The creek sparkled in the sunlight and the
grasses and mud surrounded me until I found my feet squishing the muddy bank water between my toes. Hot, sweating and thirsty I did not resist wadding
in further until my calves were under water. I felt things move around me, bits of wood, more grasses, small fish perhaps. I went out further and
watched the ripples dance in the light of the sun. The longer I stood the more I became aware of the sweat pouring down on me and the sun forever
hanging over me so I dove into the water and came up, refreshed and calm. I floated on my back with my eyes closed. The cool moisture mingled with my
sweat and I felt the warmth surround me like a womb. something tickled my leg, then my back, my arms....something pulled at my hair.
I jerked myself up and stood still. The water kept moving, twisting, flowing, around me was movement. The light danced off the water as more ripples
were sent out in different directions. The beauty of the snakes was mesmerizing and as I watched in silence the perfect ritual unfold, I thought
everything is indeed as nature would have it. Suddenly a thin branch came to the surface and a jaw opened wide. A pure white blossom sprang forth and
closed under another ripple. The snakes were curled around each other, knotted and twisting. I looked toward the bank and knew I was a uninvited
guest, an intruder who was not welcome as another tuft of white flashed in the corner of my eye.
My feet began moving, slowly wadding toward the bank, with every step I became more aware of how desperate my situation was. I thought about how much
poision it would take to kill me, how long it would take the venom to affect me, how deep I was in the woods, how I had no clue which way was home,
even if I made it home, the ambulance would take forever to get there and they did not have the key to get them through the gate. I felt the squish of
mudd and looked down to see my toes. my heart was racing ahead of my mind and my feet were scrambling up the creek bed, hands grasping on roots,
branches, I held on to a trunk and propelled myself up to the edge of the creek bed. The trees breathed around me and I drifted away.