Why battered women don't leave

The truth, I think, is much simpler than all this psychological crap you hear about these days. I think the truth is simply that they have economic reasons. A lot of these women probably don't have family and friends that can help them out, and going to a crisis center is probably not much of an option, either, unless they're lucky. Here in the U.S., services that they can take advantage of are abysmal, and there is much more demand than supply.

The truth is that it's probably a choice of having a roof over their heads and eating or being on the streets and starving.

Yea that may be true for some.

But others know they have choices , some chose not to go , some think they can "work it out "

or

"he will change " , "its just a phase " "he loves me " .


Some of them get so emotionally detached , or attached to it reason and logic is gone.

There in a violent haze and are numb to many things to make those rational decisions.

if they only knew the longer they stay , the more the men thing they can do it , and increase chances of abusing another one .

because he knows they don't leave so early,

so many programs , friends , family , workshops , government help . charitys that can be dealth with it


no reason to stay , sets bad example , hurts women more long run , dosent teach him a lesson ,

I think that is one excuse victims of abuse also feel isolated and try to justify the pros and cons of staying.
As soon as my brothers and I worked this out as children we gave our mother an pro she couldn't refuse.
We are leaving we are living somewhere else. If you want to stay that is your choice however we will no longer live under the same roof as this person. This is no longer a choice you get to make for us.
It worked.

WHY??? because I say so!!!
No, but really they do not leave for the same reason battered males do not.
Stupidity.

That is true for some. My mother was one of those. In those days the services were even less than now and the police didn't intervene.

I think now some of it is fear. From watching what happened with my mother, it is very easy to generate fear and belief in what will happen if a women tries to leave. When a man says he will kill you and the kids, it is easy to believe.

There have been numerous cases where the threat was made and made good on. This makes other women stop and think before trying to run.

This where the lack of services/help comes in. Here in Texas there was even an instance where a facility was somehow accessible to the offenders to obtain information on whether or not the spouse was at the facility. If they can find you at a facility that is supposed to help, where can you run.

Most won't run to family for fear of the family's safety. Some have no family to run to and generally have no close friends due to the situation. They are not allowed to have close friends for that reason.

It is a very complicated situation and there are no single answers.

Although I told my husband if he ever hit me he had better not ever go to sleep again. I couldn't do anything while he was awake but I know some tricks for after he goes to sleep.

reply to post by AnIntellectualRedneck


Hey friend, I don't know what prompted you to put up this thread; is something personal going on that makes this subject relevant to you?

It is about trauma bonding* and a bunch of other stuff that goes well beyond shelter. You have the beginnings of understanding there, but it is only a start. From a very broad anthropological perspective you are close to the start of understanding. But you have to realize that the mental illness in our culture is unprecedented. So saying it is all about 'shelter' is really short sighted.

If there is someone you know in need of assistance, becoming educated on this can make you a possible tool for understanding and change in that persons life. Sound good?

Good luck.



*www.insideoutlivinginc.org...

I think its because the person who is the abuser takes control over the abusee mentally as well as physically, after the first time that they get away with it. Being abused breaks a person down on the inside alot more than on the outside. And when it first happenes the abuser is always sorry and says it will never happen again and blah blah blah, and for some insane reason most people believe that. Love is not pain and for some reason that is one of the hardest lessons a person has to learn when in this situation. I know it was for me.reply to post by AnIntellectualRedneck

Old survival programming gone wrong.

One's brain rewards a person for affiliating with previously aggressive people.

One's brain's pre-human wiring releases an antagonist for opiates. The areas of the brain this impacts cause one to engage in affiliative behaviours with dominants, those favoured by dominants, and previously aggressive individuals.

Your internal systems deprive you of your natural drugs to make you play nicely / bond with dangerous individuals. This probably had a function in pre-human tribal groups, where jail didn't exist and leaving behind members was bad for the limited gene pool of the species.

I imagine there are a variety of reasons, and kids and economics are probably high on the list.

However, if anyone (male or female) is in an abusive relationship (whether physical or emotional), they need to seek out the help of family, friends, or shelters, and remove themselves from that toxic environment as fast as they can.

Originally posted by AnIntellectualRedneck
The truth, I think, is much simpler than all this psychological crap you hear about these days. I think the truth is simply that they have economic reasons. A lot of these women probably don't have family and friends that can help them out, and going to a crisis center is probably not much of an option, either, unless they're lucky. Here in the U.S., services that they can take advantage of are abysmal, and there is much more demand than supply.

The truth is that it's probably a choice of having a roof over their heads and eating or being on the streets and starving.

Wrong....

Until you have BEEN a battered woman you will never know.

Having been in this situation it has nothing to do with economic help, well for me at least and for those I know who have been in similar situations, my mother included!

It's all about CONTROL and let me tell you, men who are abusive are conniving and manipulative. They break you down to a point where you actually think you "need" them. It's a mental mind screw let me tell you.

Going to a shelter doesn't help because most of the time they don't really help. I called one and they were SO rude it wasn't even funny. I stopped reaching out for help because nobody seemed to really care unless something bad happened and that is when they wanted to help and even then it was minimal and did nothing. My friends knew and helped when they could but I don't think even they knew how to handle it and honestly I think they were scared of him which tbh I didn't blame them.

I finally got away and I lost everything but it was better than losing my life. I gave up everything to get away from that psycho path even my two cats who I loved dearly and miss to this day. I had to make a choice and well I wanted my life back so all material things were gone. I lived in a hotel for a month til I was able to find a new place. It wasn't the best part of my life but I became a different person because of it. I learned a lot from that relationship and I will never let someone treat me like that again.