My Struggle. Please Read, Only Short. Comments Very Welcome. Flame, Help, All You Can., page 2


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reply posted on 7-1-2012 @ 08:05 PM by berenike
I worked for a very demanding and difficult employer and had to develop coping strategies, but they take some time to work out.

She expected me to come to work every day with a smile on my face because it didn't suit her if I looked miserable. Regardless of the fact that it was often her behaviour that made me miserable

I decided that, at work, I had no feelings. I'm lucky to be pretty unemotional anyway, but her callousness prompted me to leave any personal feelings at the door. If I started to feel upset by anything I'd remind myself that I had no feelings in that environment.

I was extremely efficient at my job and that, really, is the best way to 'win'. I'm not suggesting that you aren't already But make sure that those above you know about it, do what you can to become indispensable. For all my employer could be very callous, she did respect my abilities and work ethic.

And, often, we'd have a laugh. It wasn't all gloom and doom. We had a similar sense of humour. If you can find out how to make someone laugh it lightens the atmosphere and relieves a lot of tension.

Also, learn how to construct a paper bag over your head - just like in cartoons. Seriously, if you have one in place it shields you from a lot.

I think, like everyone else, that you would be wise to look for another job, your situation must be adding to your depression. And, of course, your depression is making it harder to cope with your situation. Unfortunately, being depressed makes everything seem so much harder - especially making changes in your life.

Try and focus on the positives in your life and, if you can, try and find something positive about the woman at work. She won't be all bad, there'll be some redeeming feature if you just look hard enough to find it.

edit on 7-1-2012 by berenike because: (no reason given)


reply posted on 7-1-2012 @ 08:07 PM by Akragon
Originally posted by kaptabs316
Originally posted by Akragon
reply to post by kaptabs316


Do something with that business degree... or go back to school if you can... even part time or online...

Can't you find a new Job with a degree?

And i agree with another poster here... Tell the wife to get a job...



My youngest is only 18 months and I dont want her shoved in day care with no respite (WE have NO family at all in our vicinity, closest is my mother 20,0000kms away. Not so easy.)

Thats my bug to bear though, probably shouldn't have mentioned it.

My wife works damn hard looking aftr three three kids and does a fabulous job also.

My fault for bringing that up. My apologies.


Please... no reason to apologize...

Im just trying to understand...

What about the degree thing? There must be a decent paying Job for a man with a business degree...



edit on 7-1-2012 by Akragon because: (no reason given)



reply posted on 7-1-2012 @ 10:44 PM by Akragon
reply to post by windword


Also, you should talk to your wife. She may actually WANT to get out, mornings, 3 times a week, say. Or, she may be able to work from home. Does she have a hobby that she could market? Children's toys, clothes, baking, jewelry making, etc. Is she educated, could she tutor children? Teach piano, dancing, sprinkler palates for toddlers classes....hehe.


Might i suggest dog walking... you can actually make a lot of money doing it... its easy, she'll lose weight

And its your own business... that you can help with if you choose to.

edit on 7-1-2012 by Akragon because: (no reason given)



reply posted on 8-1-2012 @ 10:06 AM by berenike
Originally posted by kaptabs316
I myself would like to do a counselling course and have my own counselling business in the evenings, again all about the marketing for me.

Wouldnt know where to start.


My friend did a counselling course, he's done two of the three courses required for a full qualification although he's had enough training now to practice if he wants to.

I'm not sure from what you said if you don't know where to start with the course or where to start with marketing yourself once you're qualified.

From his experience, courses can be found at a local college and are conducted throughout term time. September seems to be the most common time for the courses to start, but his tutor is currently offering one starting in February. So, you might be lucky and find an available course in your area where you can start very quickly.

I think you would benefit greatly. In my friend's course the students used to practice on each other and I imagine that is the way most classes would run, so you would be able to talk about things that are troubling you at the same time as you were learning to help other people - and I do think you need to talk.

I used to type my friend's homework for him - it was nothing too daunting, mostly a recap of what had been covered in the class. Very interesting, too.

Once you're in that sort of environment I'm sure you will meet plenty of people who will know how best to set up 'in business'. I expect there are associations you can join, too, and possibly local practices who require new partners.
edit on 8-1-2012 by berenike because: (no reason given)


reply posted on 9-1-2012 @ 04:29 AM by kaptabs316
Originally posted by berenike
Originally posted by kaptabs316
I myself would like to do a counselling course and have my own counselling business in the evenings, again all about the marketing for me.

Wouldnt know where to start.


My friend did a counselling course, he's done two of the three courses required for a full qualification although he's had enough training now to practice if he wants to.

I'm not sure from what you said if you don't know where to start with the course or where to start with marketing yourself once you're qualified.

From his experience, courses can be found at a local college and are conducted throughout term time. September seems to be the most common time for the courses to start, but his tutor is currently offering one starting in February. So, you might be lucky and find an available course in your area where you can start very quickly.

I think you would benefit greatly. In my friend's course the students used to practice on each other and I imagine that is the way most classes would run, so you would be able to talk about things that are troubling you at the same time as you were learning to help other people - and I do think you need to talk.

I used to type my friend's homework for him - it was nothing too daunting, mostly a recap of what had been covered in the class. Very interesting, too.

Once you're in that sort of environment I'm sure you will meet plenty of people who will know how best to set up 'in business'. I expect there are associations you can join, too, and possibly local practices who require new partners.
edit on 8-1-2012 by berenike because: (no reason given)



Thanks very much for that comment.

Really made me feel positive to know there are others who have done, or are doing, such things in a way I myself thought might be a positive approach.

Really Useful advice there.

Thanks again, very kind.


reply posted on 9-1-2012 @ 08:27 AM by noonesdonkey
The one thing that strikes me about your post and your replies back, is that you mention your kids as the reason
you wouldn't get behind the wheel and leave or start a new job at this time. You left your wife out of those sernarios. You do mention that shes a good homemaker, that's about it. Also, you state that you push her away.
I have had the experience of being in the homemaker role for twelve years. I had went back to work for one after first child was born. Then my husband insisted that i stop working and stay home. All these years later, twenty to be exzact I have become the reasons for all his failures.Every problem in his life is now followed up with"Well that's because I kept you home raising my kids for ten years" Everyone else's wife worked and thats why they don't have these problems. according to his memory he missed alot of opportunities because of his responsibilities to us. I heard it thousands of times and resent it more each and every time he uses it as his excuse for not being where he thinks he should be in his life. The reality is that he is where he is today by his own choices.It was his fear of being out of his comfort zone that he didn't strive for more. But not mentioning you wife as part of your reasoning for not leaving it would seem that maybe you have alittle resentment. I think you need to talk things out with her. Maybe she would like to be involved in whats in the best interest of the family.Working it out together is far better than going it alone. Make then changes you need to for your happiness and your families. If you not happy it will reflect back at them. Trust me on this you dont want to be where i am today.


reply posted on 24-1-2012 @ 09:20 AM by ofhumandescent
reply to post by kaptabs316


I've always pulled my own weight.

When we had three kids, one (the oldest) the child from hell (ADHD, could not stop getting into everything) I still managed to run a small successful daycare and bring in enough money for groceries.

We've been married for 38 years.

I've always worked, always brought in some money.

Don't know your complete situation but if your wife is not happy, be careful. The law is very pro women now days and if you end up with a messy, vindictive divorce you are really going to know the true meaning of trouble.

Why can't your wife work at least part time?

For awhile, my husband worked days and I worked evenings.

A word of warning, if you think your wife is going to eventually dissolve your marriage, whoever gets the best lawyer the fastest usually wins, however again, it has been my experience that women get priority treatment.

Maybe if she won't work or can't try to get a part time second job.

I think now days money is one of the biggest issues with marriages.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help but wish you and your family the best.

Whatever you do, try not to go further into debt.

Single most important thing is to figure out a budget, a financial counselor can help and STICK TO IT.

If you need something buy it..............need it like food, shelter, water.

If it's a luxury and you don't need it, fancy clothes, a cruise, books, perfume, fancy hair or face creams, movies, eating out - don't buy it.

Clothes can be bought fairly cheap at thrift shops but you have to explore different ones to find nice clothes at good prices.

Use coupons, and plan your meals around sale items each week.

A lot of things people think they need a lot of "stuff that they don't.

We have one car for the both of us we share because my job of 16 years was outsourced to India and nobody wants to hire a older woman. I'm now for the first time since age 10 not bringing in money except a small pension.

Yes I said 10..................orphaned at 9 and told I had better "pull my own weight as nobody gets a free lunch".

Lastly...............if you have two or three kids get fixed, either you or her. You can't afford another mouth to feed.

I got fixed and it's not painful and I'm sensitive to pain.

Don't smoke, drink or do drugs that's expensive.

Again, when we were young we bought a lot of stuff at thrift shops, clothes, books, pots & pans (not beds or bedding/bedbugs )

If your wife is a stay at home mom, do you both need a cell phone?

Possibly you might want to see two people, a financial counselor and a marriage or family counselor. Some go by a sliding scale and the money is well spent if you find a good one. They teach you how to "fight fair" ie: iron out your differences and bring up issues that normally you can't or won't bring up. It also shows the kids how to talk things out with a mediator.

My prayers are with you, I know all too well how difficult it is with children.

Now that I don't work, I sanded, power washed and re-stained the deck, did some landscaping, mow the lawn, snow blow, clean the house, make all the meals, do the dishes, pay the bills and figure our budget and try and relieve my husband's stress when he comes home................he does like doing the laundry and shopping, says it relaxes him????? And he sticks to the budget list better than me, I'm a compulsive shopper. (We have have our weaknesses). (( Need a embarrassed smiley face over there ATS)))

Again, best wishes, and things will get better, hang in there and try to be kind and keep your mouth shut when your angry................if she gets on your nerves, take the kids for a walk to "relieve her stress" (really to relieve yours and give you time to cool off and chill out).

Check back in and let us know how it's going.



Sometimes all you can do is ‘hang in there’.
Distract yourself in order to stay positive.
Do whatever you can to just get through the day, and remind yourself -
“tomorrow is another day”…

Not enough room left but go here for 15 tips to stay positive. I thought most were very good.

www.lifeoptimizer.org...
edit on 24-1-2012 by ofhumandescent because: (no reason given)



reply posted on 24-1-2012 @ 09:37 AM by ofhumandescent
reply to post by berenike


Sounds like we had the same boss almost.

Mine I endured for 10 years and she was a piece of work.

Your boss can really make your life miserable, particularly a bullish one.

Good advice.

In fact I've starred everyone because they are all good, insightful responses.

I've been away from my old boss for 17 months and I still nightmare about her.

She would have made The Red Queen in Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" look like a girl scout. A real twitch.
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