Next Year's News: Crazy predictions wanted!

Assuming we don't all get annihilated by some predicted Mayan cataclysm, what are your crazy predictions for 2012?
Predictions can range in tone from semi-serious to outrageous.
It's all tongue-in-cheek!

Kim Kardashian tattoos face on butt.

After Rob and Scott's alleged gay drunken scandal with a producer of the show a month ago, Kim's fall from public grace was further exposed at a New York tattoo parlor.
The parlor owner claimed a swaying Kim entered his store, and demanded a tattoo of her face on her butt.
"I like my face, and I like my butt - let's connect them", Kim allegedly argued.
Apparently it was not a bad choice according to experts, who argue that botox in the rear is better than botox in the face.
There was some concern from her friends however, who cautioned that her butt was already leathery from all the kisses and smoke bestowed on it, and she would need extra surgery to puff up the dimples on her cheeks.

Prince William & Catherine Middleton separate ...She hooks up with Julian Assange and he becomes King of Lithuania ...peace

And if this comes true I will be the first one to drop dead over it ..

A solar flare knocks out electronics all over America. Millions of teenagers will be forced to communicate via actual speech. With football no longer televised, men will be forced to find a new passtime: Watching grass grow. Hey, it's at least as entertaining as football.

China nukes Iran

Breaking News just in according to Reuters: In what must be one of the most spectacular anti-climaxes since the Cold War, China has sent over 20 nuclear missiles into Iran, thus toppling the regime into chaos.

The head of the Communist Party seemed unimpressed by the global hoopla, as he gave details of the mission. China and its affiliated countries had been the target of growing Islamist terrorism since February 2012.

From a short statement, he said: "These extremists have become very irritating to the way we do business, and just like the mosquito that annoys a person, it must be swatted."

There have been no immediate reactions from Washington.
Even Britain was silent, but one late-night reveler summed up the mood in London: "Well, if you want to act like a toffee-apple, you shouldn't be surprised if people start licking you".

The old lady at the Fish 'n' Chips caravan probably summed up all our fears:
"Look, nobody's really gonna shed a tear for those ayatollahs, but if it carries on like this I'll be speaking Mandarin and selling Chow Mein next year."

President Obama repents on live television!

The USA is known for many things, but being silent is not usually one of them.
And yet yesterday that whole country, and much of the connected world, sat in stunned silence, as President Obama came clean, and repented.
"No, I was not born a US citizen", Obama stated, but then went into a speech on how choosing to be one is actually much better.
That sentence alone had jaws gaping in awe, and one could hear a pin drop across America.
But things only became more shocking, as the POTUS went on to admit: "I am a closet Muslim".

Not to be outdone, Mrs. Obama tearfully cried out: "I'm not really into fitness, and my big butt is not genetic, but made by stuffing myself uncontrollably with KFC!"

Just as the country drew its collective breath, Pastor Osteen swept onto the stage.
The Presidential couple knelt before him.
"Out", he cried, "Ye demons of falsehoods and munching - OUT"!
After some sweet-talking he took the Presidential couple by the hands.
The pastor flashed his big white teeth and asked:
"So how do feel now, with the light in your life?"

President Obama replied: "Well, I made some mistakes in my youth, but they're all gone now".

Suddenly everybody shouted: "Praise the Lord ... praise the lord."

Shortly thereafter the US press claimed that polls showed Obama's ratings had gone through the roof.

Clinton did it with a saucy cigar; can the Obamas do the same with a dodgy repentance?

edit on 1-1-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

Moral parents push for the new back-masking:

A few decades ago back-masking was associated with Satanism and rock 'n' roll anarchy.

Today moral-conscious parents can choose music for their kids that sounds badass from the normal playing track, but in reverse, it is full of hidden messages with moral value.

Moral back-tracking may include repetitive phrases such as:

"It's boring to smoke m....... It's healthy to drink cola."

"If you're poor, join the military"

"Cleanliness is next to godliness ... cut your nails and hair ... cut your nails and hair"

" If you knock her up you must marry her ... abortion is evil ... abortion is the devil"

"True love waits - wait, wait, wait until you're 28 ... wait, wait, wait, until you're 28"

"Obey your parents with a holy sword ... please the Lord with a holy sword..."

Parents now want stickers attached to bands that include such messages, and equipment to check that the brainwashing is indeed present.

Some music labels are also offering re-packaged music from evergreen stars like Led Zeppelin or the Beatles, with the new moral messages added in the music.

Currently some discs are sold with both a Parental Advisory sticker (or teens just won't listen), but parents can now rest assured that the Moral Backtracking sticker is leading teens towards morality, and whatever country they choose to bomb in future, it will be a worthy country for a bombing.

edit on 1-1-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

Liberals and academics declare the Majority a new Minority:

Once minorities were badly treated people, who stood in inferior numbers before majority prejudices.

However, as political correctness evolved, "the majority" stood for some global standard over "oppressed" peoples, and every white male was deemed an agent of the majority.

So even in SA the 4 million whites (compared to 50 million blacks) are regarded as a "majority" by today's liberal lunacy.
Being a minority or majority has nothing more to do with numerical issues.
It has to do with the "majority" of power which white, heterosexual men have allegedly stolen - that is the academic notion of a "majority".

However a conference in May 2012 has declared white men at least theoretically capable of being a minority.
After touring white squatter camps in SA, Oprah admitted that this "majority" has been treated badly enough by the numerically superior "minority" to be equally cast as a "minority" amongst other post-colonial minorities.

Hopes are high that Madonna and other Hollywood stars will now adopt white Afrikaner orphans too, and that the practice becomes popular amongst African American, Jewish and Irish majority-stars in the USA, and that they won't just adopt black minority children from Malawi, where the black minority has already complained that a majority-star like Madonna comes to take their minority children.

Afrikaner leaders were divided on the issue.
Surprisingly some said that they always knew they were a minority.
Other participants walked out of the conference in disgust:
"What?", added Robert Mugabe, "Whites can now be a minority?
I suppose next we must pay them social grants, and feed their poor and adopt their orphans in our countries?
It cannot be so, we are always the minority, and they must send money to us, and never the other way around!"

edit on 1-1-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

Turkey storms Israeli flotilla.

Conflict and bloodshed were narrowly avoided as the Turkish navy stopped a flotilla of international activists who wanted to highlight the plight of the Kurdish people.

One reporter was heard saying: "What? Nobody has ever heard of the Kurds, they are not fashionable ... let us stop filming. Maybe next year somebody cares".

Julia Gillard will be overthrown in a political coup sometime in mid 2012.

Sparks fly on top reality show of 2012.

Is being gay a choice? That is the big question of the global hit reality show: Choice or Truth?

The show sees some well known (and lesser known) heterosexualists pitted against a team of gay lifestyle experts.

The idea behind the show was the debatable notion that gay people "choose" to be gay.
In order to prove or disprove this theory, the people who proclaim it are challenged to put their slogans to the test: If being gay is a choice, then let's see you choose it!

Contestants must choose to live as gays or lesbians for a full two weeks, and then they must choose to revert to their straight lifestyles.
The show forces nobody into sex, but focuses on lifestyle issues, including the homosexual experience of dating and identity.

Word has it that Michelle Bachmann made an OK lesbian on the program, but her husband Marcus exceeded all expectations as a gay man.

edit on 1-1-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

Fish stocks collapse - Billions of "vegetarians" forced to become real vegetarians.

The latest news from the fish-stock collapse is that millions of self-styled vegetarians were actually dependent on fish for their protein, and not true vegetarians at all.

It seems vegetarians are back to the disputed soy burgers or products, and a lot of linseed.
Asian cooking with Tofu and some egg appears to be a fruitful way to go, although some shellfish like oysters and mussels is grown commercially.
Generally though the oceans are untouchable, as some fish-stocks may recover with time.
Otherwise, to support eating wild fish currently is simply watching one species collapse after another.
It's a countdown to extinction in our oceans.

Sudden dumping of 2012 "Doom's Day" material causes environmental crisis?

Was 2012 a self-fulfilling prophesy?
Perhaps, at least as far as environmental watchdogs are concerned.
Just in one burning session of 2012 material, a black cloud of noxious carbon and other chemicals snakes its way into the atmosphere.
However, the man who leads this sooty ceremony is adamant that his method is actually one of the best to dispense of "unwanted prophetic material" - material which he claims cannot be sold for a dime at a flea-market, and he goes as far as saying: "You'd have to pay people to take it now".

The book-pulping operations are overwhelmed, and without burning it ends up in the rivers and oceans.

So 2012 came and went, and it was no extinction for mankind.
Maybe this mess is no catastrophe either, but it does make one aware of all the raw materials and chemicals used, let alone the Internet bandwidth.

Watching the paper disintegrate into ash, it really seems like such a waste of resources.

edit on 1-1-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)