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For those of us who don't get the "HOT wings" thing.. a funny read from a New Mexico chili cook o

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posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 10:07 AM
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A really fun read.

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend Chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report




posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 10:32 AM
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ok, usually i can't be bothered with claims like "if you don't laugh you're a brain dead moron" type threads, but in this instance you were 100% right, i laughed till i cried! thank you!



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 10:41 AM
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I stopped reading after #6. Neead to recover my breath.


OMG!!!!....funniest thing I've read in years....THANKS !!

...Now let me continue reading.



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 11:11 AM
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I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone..



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 11:14 AM
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reply to post by flipflops
 


" Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill." Now that is a funny comment



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 04:36 PM
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I actually didnt laugh.



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 05:01 PM
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Best laugh I've had in a week. OMG I can't stop. Sides ache. Tears streaming down my face. Literally LOL.
Thanks for the fun. Happy New Year!!!!!!



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 06:37 PM
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Wow I wish someone would of caught this on video



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 06:51 PM
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Thats a great story


I just loved the contrast between "professional" judges reaction to a man off the street, just classic!



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 07:32 PM
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I'd read that before, but still laughed. It's a classic!

Living in New Mexico (I'm a Missouri/Misery immigrant) has changed my personal recipe for bean dip. Back in Missouri, it was canned pintos, cheese, mild salsa, and black pepper, all melted and blended together. Now it is pressure-cooked pintos, cheese, not-so-mild salsa, black pepper, chopped green chilies, and chipotle pepper.

New Mexico: HOT HOT HOT


Missouri: NOT NOT NOT



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 08:39 PM
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Someone give this man a skirt. Sounds like my mother judging a chili cook-off



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 09:44 PM
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I make the. Bestest hotwings...
What does chili have to do with wings?

I did lol though



posted on Jan, 1 2012 @ 11:06 PM
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reply to post by showintail
 


I was just referring to spicy foods in general... Guess I should have said, "chili" thing. But then again I love chili, Just not hot spicy chili, being half Cuban my taste buds prefer bland over spicy.. So maybe I should have said that "annoyingly burning chili" thing... Or maybe....



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