Borderline Personality Disorder And "Splitting"

HUGE THANK YOU!

This is a great thread! I had no idea that this could be something that actually affected a past relationship of mine! I only now realize my ex fiance is this BPD!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was engaged to this gal that I met and really cared about. Did everything for her. Loved her. Cared for her two children. Worked hard to provide everything I could. Bought a 30k Ring, Bought the largest home in the best area I could afford, Best furniture... best of the best of the best.... No matter what I did for her "emotionally" or "materially" she was back and forth in her emotions just as presented here in this thread. Blew me away really.

Well I did not end up tieing the knot because it was just too much of a roller coaster ride. It broke my heart and I could never really understand the roller coaster effect... I knew somehow based on her own loving emotions that would surface from the unexplained almost hatred that she was unaware of the back and forth emotions she had and how it was tearing everything apart. We Sold the house cause she just wasnt happy. Eventually She hid 100k we saved and made on the sale of the home that I sold my previous home for and subsequently made all payments for to btw. When I found out by accident one day looking at a balance statement that was in the trash I was really pissed off. She had removed the funds and put them in her own account. Then I knew it was truly the end, total mental splitsville for me, yet I felt she was holding that money to also somehow control me. oh well I figured I would try to get my 100k back somehow... one evening she was pushin my buttons when she "switched" and... she said something that really tripped me out... she said, "You know I can call the cops and have you arrested at any time and for any reason if I want to".... you see she had a brother in law that was a crooked and ranking cop. Well this raised the hair on my head, I was blown away that anyone could have this hatred in there heart when I had only been loving and caring in our entire relationship seeking only to please her in any way that I could yet at that very moment a voice in my mind said GET THE HE** OUTTA HERE! I packed up and split and never looked back. She tried to get in touch with me several times even showing emotion of love that she had NEVER SHOWN before.... yeah she even tried to interfere with my excellent relationship with my loving wife.... she stalked me for some time and then it finally stopped. I would not speak with her and I warned my current wife years ago and at the very start of our own relationship about all the nutty things my ex said and did and might do and because of that our marriage was uneffected however let me tell ya that many times I worried about coming home to a bunny in the boiling pot routine.......

Years later I am thankful that my compassion for my ex never allowed me to make contact and especially because of some of the things being written here. Creepy really... I never knew that making contact could cause the roller coaster to start up again! Great advise here and I am thankful for it!

You know later she wanted to give me the 100k back... A friend gave me some very good advice and said that if I took that money from her I would regret the aftermath of it for the rest of my life. Realizing how happy these last 5 years with my current wife and friend have been I know that it was the best thing to do... Money means nothing but peace, love, joy and happiness are everything!

Its funny cause when I first hooked up with her she was very mellow and very laid back and seemed loving but then almost the day we moved in together she started splitting in her emotions.... very strange... Over time I also realized there was something really bizzare about her relationship with her father, I felt like there may have been abuse or ??? but she would never talk about the "deeper things" if you get my meaning...

Anyone have any clue why the original "move in" was the first real signs of this BPD?

I was able to work through a personal diagnosis of BPD...it was also given to me during a very stressful and chaotic time in my life where my environment was incredibly unstable and I was, quite literally, treading dangerous waters trying to keep my head above the waves.

What concerned me most about discovering this aspect of my diagnosis was the misleading manner in how it's portrayed to the majority of people - as we have all seen here in this thread to some degree.

The prejudice of a diagnosis is one of the worst things about living with a condition or chemical imbalance.

That being said....


For the OP - I can only remark to your question of "splitting" in that during my personal trial, I was surrounded by very unsavory characters I had given the benefit of the doubt to under a naive assumption that underneath the warning signs (which I, admittedly at the time, took no heed to initially) they were genuinely decent people.

After a year of a slow build up of sociopathic and psychological abuses at their hands and driven by their whims and "designs" I began to wake up from my delusions. In order to escape my situation I mentally forced myself to see them as "pure evil" in order to escape a pattern of unhealthy dependence upon them and their company.

I'm pretty sure if you asked them about what they saw from "their side" and my behavior at the time, it wouldn't be as flattering....nonetheless, I managed to get away from them and regain my sense of self-awareness and self-sufficiency.


Sometimes more is going on than just a "personality disorder"...

Originally posted by alldaylong
Has anyone had any experience of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder? One of the aspects of this condition is the sufferer goes through episodes of "Splitting" This is when they see a person as being either "All Good" or "All Bad". I believe that the sufferer can alternate between these states, but if anyone has any information or personal experience of this then i would be interested to learn and understand about this debilitating mental condition.

Yes, unfortunately I was married for many years to someone who would be termed a high functioning borderline who acted out in the main - hurting others by constantly manipulating and blaming them for HIS behaviour. In the end it was me who had the nervous breakdown. He's never been diagnosed properly although I was told the very 1st time the psychiatric nurse saw him he wrote down "personality disorder" in his notes, which was interesting because I came to exactly the same conclusion, without any training simply by doing some research on the internet on the subject after a friend cut out a piece in a newspaper, which she thought I should read.

Thankfully he divorced me for my unreasonable behaviour but don't think his games stopped there, I don't think he's ever forgiven me for daring to seperate from him! "I hate you, don't leave me" is the title of the book and boy is that the case! Splitting and the illogical black & white thinking and constant debating make normal relationships impossible. It's also important to recognise the co-dependency of the relationship and how the Borderline will pair with the non BPD person who very often ALSO needs to care about another. So people need to understand the dynamics in their role in the bond, so that they survive and grow stronger. Dare I say also, not to make the same mistake again!

Once the ridiculous war of words and attrition ceased the parental alienation took a turn for the worse and he is still using his kids as a weapon at every opportunity. Including both my mother and then myself being falsely accused of physically abusing my children by this man. Still at least all his family now know what a pychopath he really is, since becoming their responsibility.

My fight back was to become a volunteer helping others like me recover and get over the verbal abuse et al. I also wrote various articles and papers on the subject for eg BPD Central including "Wicked, wicked, wife", contributing to the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook and writing a paper which was submitted to the UK govt on the damage untreated BPD inflicts on families and children.

I still don't think this subject is treated seriously enough. BPD in the hands of some can cause an awful lot of pain and suffering to the people who come into contact with it as well as the sufferers. I saw a reference to Borderline PD being perhaps a misnoma. More accurately the disorder should perhaps be renamed "Blame shifting" personality disorder, which to me sums the whole thing up.

People should never be written off as incurable. Love and happiness can cure even the sickest of brains, however many Borderlines refuse to accept their is anything wrong with them, which is one of the biggest hurdles to self awareness and improvement.

Funnily enough after a holiday season marred by some more of his antics I was actually looking at some more articles on the subject earlier and found this article and the videos contained within depicting the completely illogical and ridiculous arguments and accusations the non BPD gets sucked into scarily accurate!

For the record NOT ALL BPD sufferers are women and it's not always caused by sexual abuse in childhood. Although I think nature and genes play a role...nurture very often plays a huge role. In my ex husbands case, far from being abused he was spoilt to a ridiculous degree and learned to manipulate his mother in particular at an early stage. Growing up with no boundaries of behaviour can be just as much a catalyst as other forms of neglect and abuse.

Instead of developing the "I NEED" traits....spoiled children grow up into "I WANT" adults.

To me NEEDS can be met............whereas WANTS never are truly fulfilled by their nature.

BPD and Parental Alienation

I'm not bitter because I have 3 lovely children, albeit one shows worrying traits of this also. I just try and be happy and enjoy my freedom and escape each and every day. How true the saying ....."Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

reply to post by GENERAL EYES


ALL of us can show traits of BPD. It's basically a defensive form of going back to childhood responses.

Stress also brings out the worst in people whatever their circumstances and mental health also.

The fact that you have the insight to recognise traits in yourself to me is one of the biggest hurdles, even if you had the diagnosis.

I try very hard to see the situation from both sides, having been involved with sufferers and those who have been effected by someone's BPD behaviour.

I know someone who was given a diagnosis of severe PD but through sheer determination and fight for the right treatment, the last time I saw her she was living a pretty normal life looking after her and her daughter. Yes she knows she'll aways have weaknesses but however much childhood abuse and trauma she went through, that I'm not sure I could have survived, let alone coped with, she has come through against all the odds.

Never underestimate the power of the human spirit.

reply to post by YAHUWAH SAVES

Anyone have any clue why the original "move in" was the first real signs of this BPD?

Insecurity based habitual ATTACHMENT DISORDER/psychodynamic

!!!!CONTROL!!!!

and

!!!!FEAR!!!!

issues intensify dramatically at move-in and at marriage.

Therefore, manipulation stuff often surfaces at those times, big time, as well.

CONGRATS ON YOUR ESCAPE and on carving out a successful marriage regardless.

reply to post by alldaylong
I met my husband @ 16 and lived in this situation until I was thirty. Bi-polar is a mood issue but BPD is when a person flies into all out rages that seems to come from no-where. Screaming, cursing, threatening behavior that can and usually will one day result in physical violence...these people can bring you to the blink of insanity with their fits "ideas" about what they think is going on. I often found myself locked in the bathroom as he screamed and beat on the door, just as quick and as sudden as the fit started it would stop.

reply to post by JB1234


That's a very insightful response, and thank you...when I first read the diagnosis, I felt absolutely horrible inside....it was extremely dehumanizing, on a number of levels.

I quite honestly think it was a misdiagnosis, seeing as how I wasn't really prone to some of the more marked behaviors and mood swings....as a rule, during that time, I did everything I could to make the situations I found myself in "work" out in a positive manner.

As to the power of the human spirit - never, ever, ever give up.

I have BPD, among other things. its a really hard disorder to understand. the splitting is just the way it is. things are either all or nothing. black or white. bad or good. there is NO in between. and yes, it can flip flop as well, from thinking something is all good, to thinking its all bad. well, until you've gone through therapy to essentially re-wire your thought process. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is an amazing treatment for BPD. i did the program for a year and graduated. things are different now. i still do the splitting, i just try to stop myself when i start thinking that way and reassess the situation at hand with a more wise mind set. although, I will still will walk away from a person immediately and never look back if i have a bad enough experience with them. i've completely dropped so many people from my life over the years that way. we have a great friendship, something happens that im extremely bothered by, and i never speak to that person again. its a real roller coaster of a disorder, splitting is only a part of it...and im open to discuss my experiences, so if you have any questions feel free to ask

Originally posted by JB1234
reply to post by GENERAL EYES

 

ALL of us can show traits of BPD. It's basically a defensive form of going back to childhood responses.

Stress also brings out the worst in people whatever their circumstances and mental health also.

The fact that you have the insight to recognise traits in yourself to me is one of the biggest hurdles, even if you had the diagnosis.

This is probably the most important thing to realize with ANY mental "disorder." It's usually situational and can be worked through if you recognize that you don't like it and want to change it.

Medication is the worst thing that you can possibly do, in my opinion, as it doesn't cure the underlying psychological issues that are truly in play. People have to come to the realization of these problems through long periods of thought and meditation on them. It's hard to view something outside of yourself, but it's totally possible and healthy to do.

Originally posted by Elisha03011972
reply to post by alldaylong

 

I met my husband @ 16 and lived in this situation until I was thirty. Bi-polar is a mood issue but BPD is when a person flies into all out rages that seems to come from no-where. Screaming, cursing, threatening behavior that can and usually will one day result in physical violence...these people can bring you to the blink of insanity with their fits "ideas" about what they think is going on. I often found myself locked in the bathroom as he screamed and beat on the door, just as quick and as sudden as the fit started it would stop.

thats one of the worst parts for me, and one of the scariest for my parents (who i still have to live with, thankfully they're amazing and understanding). the episodes can come on so quickly and get to such an extreme point in seconds. and then they die down and things go back to "normal" just as quickly. i can go from feeling suicidal and severely depressed to laughing, smiling, and having a good time in a matter of minutes.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2001. I struggled off and on through treatment. I know my behavior was irrational. I was always suicidal. I became obsessed with certain people then hated them, then loved them again. I drove people away because of my actions. I saw myself doing this but didn't know how to change. This made me feel worse, then suicidal again.

For the first few years of my treatment I was heavily medicated. The meds didn't change the root behaviors, they only made me sleep most of the time. I guess you can't be a problem if you are sedated. The doctors just acted like there was no hope for me. Then I moved to the other side of my state. I stopped my meds and continued on as I had been before.

This time I learned to bottle up my feelings. Hide the suicidal thoughts. Nobody wants to hear that someone is suicidal. And, if you are borderline, being suicidal seems to make people think you are trying to manipulate them or you are just looking for attention. If I tell you I am suicidal that means I am asking for help. Maybe I need a ride to emergency mental health down the street. Or maybe I just need someone else to tell me what to do since I am not in a mentally stable state at that time. But no, I would get treated like #. Then at the hospital, if you didn't actually attempt suicide, they see the borderline diagnosis and just consider you an attention seeker. One doctor, who I had never even seen, told my father that I was just looking for attention and trying to manipulate them by checking myself into the hospital. I will let you know that I was trying to do the right thing and not be manipulative. I was checking myself in because I knew I was a danger to myself and it would not be fair to my family and friends to try to have them stay with me and take care of me.

Even though I was starting to control my behavior more I was still treated badly because of the label given to me. I felt like the doctors didn't believe a borderline patient could ever change.

Fortunately I was able to get into a dialectical behavioral therapy program made for treating bpd. I also began to see a therapist that actually cared. These people believed I could change my behavior because they have seen many just like me change. They helped me change my undesirable behaviors and helped me learn to cope more efficiently. All without the use of meds. Turns out environment plays a huge role in bpd. And up until I started with these therapists everyone around me made me think I was the whole problem. Now I know I was part of the problem but I also realize everyone else all played a part in my illness. Amazing that once you want help and find someone that thinks you are really capable of change you can really make amazing progress. When everyone treats you like you are sick and will never it really discourages you.

Now I no longer fit the criteria for BPD. So to all of you that think people with bpd can't be fixed, you are very wrong. However, it isn't going to happen if the person either doesn't see their behavior as a problem or if they don't have a strong support system outside of therapy.

reply to post by fyredansyr


I agree that folks who are Borderline CAN change.

It is difficult in most cases . . . very difficult . . . and takes tons of very hard work over a considerable time.

Certainly they did not get the way they are by themselves.

Early abuse/ATTACHMENT DISORDER stuff are huge factors, imho.

I was friends with a BPD, and this was many years ago, in my late teens-early-20s. Her nor I knew of her disorders then, only many years later, after she wound up in a hospital getting diagnosed by a psychiatrist.
But she would make it known how I am the only thing that keeps her sane and alive, because if I wasn't friends with her, she'd commit suicide. Other times, when I did/said something she disaproved of, she'd get really nasty, like she hated me, and was miserable because of me, and one time she hit me.
At that time, I had my own unacknowledged undiagnosed problems, which is why I continually put myself at this wackjob's mercy.

Originally posted by BO XIAN
reply to post by fyredansyr

 

I agree that folks who are Borderline CAN change.

It is difficult in most cases . . . very difficult . . . and takes tons of very hard work over a considerable time.

Certainly they did not get the way they are by themselves.

Early abuse/ATTACHMENT DISORDER stuff are huge factors, imho.

What you said is so true....

Not only do they have the root cause to come to terms with, they then have to deal with the PTSD. It's a lot of issues to work through. But, as you said...it can be done.

I just want to make sure that I let BPDs who are reading and commenting here know, that a derogatory term I called my ex friend, was strictly for her, not people with this condition in general. She was a really bad person. And........so was I.

reply to post by Destinyone


Interestingly, one of my Christian friends . . . has had a serious case of Borderline Personality Disorder with another serious diagnosis..

I have not been able to use much of my PhD in clinical psych skills to be of great help.

imho, it has been as though God was emphasizing that

1. it was largely the other person's task

2. All I could do was provide an accepting, caring, protective Christian relationship WITH LIMITS as to how much abuse I would and would NOT TAKE of what sort.

3. Evidently, I was the first safe person for such a beleagured individual to 'let it all hang out' around and the first 2-3 years . . . it was regularly horrendous. Initially 3-5 times a week there were 'psychotic break' level acting out and ranting tirades that were totally off the wall.

4. I had to ignore lists of things that WOULD have normally been high priorities for me because the person could not possibly deal with such a range of things. They often had a very tenuous grip on reality.

5. So, I learned to draw a very few boundaries to somewhat limit the extremely destructive acting out. And beyond that, I often enough had to just distance myself and wait for calm to return. NOTHING else worked.

6. Thankfully, at this point there haven't been any grossly psychotic breaks in 2-3 years and the individual is much more integrated and balanced with tons more inner healing and emotional calm.

7. God alone gets the credit in this case. There was very little I could do that made any difference except provide a caring safe context to grow in--with some boundaries as to what was NOT TOLERABLE..

Originally posted by this_is_who_we_are
Here's my story in a nutshell:

AVALANCHING And False Charges Of Domestic Violence: You Could Be Next.
www.abovetopsecret.com...
by this_is_who_we_are
started on 3/18/2010 @ 01:18 PM

False Charges Of Domestic Violence:I had the exact same thing happen to me. Very long story......
It was my ex Mother-in-law. She ruined a 15 year marriage. It has taken me two years to get my life back and
I'm still struggling........

I was recently in a very destructive relationship with a man who was diagnosed with this. At the time I didn't know what it was and I didn't seek to find out - because I thought our relationship was great.

Well, he ALSO had a very bad drug abuse problem. I knew he had had a problem with drugs in the past, but it returned during our relationship. He was very hard on himself at times. At other times he blamed everyone else. It was really hard to follow. I spent many a night laying awake racking my brain trying to figure him out.

He financially devastated me. He stole everything I had. But that was for the drugs. So I don't know which came first, the drug abuse or the BPD.

I know he had had a very rough childhood. His father was abusive and his mother was too afraid to do anything about it. All THREE brothers ended up on drugs. One died of a drug overdose.

But this guy I was with seemed so great. He broke my heart when he went off the deep end. This, I believe, was a result of BOTH the BPD and the drug abuse together.

He is now in prison. For Bank Robbery.

Be careful.

reply to post by alldaylong


what ppl do not realise is that there is a "trigger" for getting bpd or borderline.

this trigger is emotional neglect

teacher.scholastic.com...

there is a reason why we borderliners react, its the bonding to a parent gone bad in a time we so need it


sever your connections with him/her, cause we do not trust ppl, i sometimes even go look for a fight, just to see if im still alive, emotions are a pain in the ass,
just remember we have them. go look what boderline emotions really are

www.angelfire.com...

make your own choice, but my advice is.. when there is a slight posibility you can leave him/her do it

we are to complicated for someone to understand.

and for the others, i am not a devil or a deamon or a boogyman, i got feelings just as you have, only i deal with it on other terms then you...
for ppl who have lost things by means of a borderliner, sorry

do not flame me because i have a disorder, i am on medications, thats because i want help to have a "normal" life, i am just as much a victim in this as others...

happy newyear guys, and remember, peace and love for you all

a little reading for last

www.angelfire.com...

the effect of the illness upon the life of the patient is equally profound: jobs are lost, successes are spoiled, relationships shattered, families alienated. The end result is all too often the failure of a promising life, or a tragic suicide.

John’s story

How to move on?
30 yrs old male, lives with partner and 2 months old son.
Chef in restaurant.
Acute psychiatric unit: threatened to kill his wife and 1 month old son.
On admission: had blood over his face and hands. He had injured himself by whisky glass.
Paranoid delusions:

“There is no privacy, we are always been watched. There are cameras, cables everywhere” “I didn’t want to kill them, I wanted them to leave me, then it would have been easier for me to kill myself”

Medical history: 1st admission
2000 14 days
Suicide attempt:cutting veins
Diagnosis:Moderate depression with somatic symptoms
Main complaints: sadness, palpitations, disturbed sleeping

“I wanted to try how it feels to be a soul. I have always been a black sheep in my family. My mum used to say, that first child always fails. I don’t feel I am appreciated by anyone.”

Psychiatrist:emotionally instable, sensitive, reserved, takes time in answering questions.
no evidence of disorganised thoughts, no decrease in action productivity.
Previous suicide attempts:
1st 8yrs old,
2nd,3rd 10-12yrs old
4th, -5th current suicide attempt, arguments with his mother, no will to live, several times has imagined his funeral.

2nd admission in 2002
2002, 53 days
Suicide attempt: alone in a summer house, drunk, cutting veins because girlfriend left him.
Diagnosis: Current episode of moderate depression and Borderline Personality Disorder
Anhedonia:

“nothing cheers me up, nobody cares about me,nobody understands me. I have felt like this since I have remembered myself”

Obsessional thoughts to kill himself: “

I travelled around the world and wanted to go to Tunesia to poison myself there by rat poison which I had taken from my home. Poison got stolen and therefore I had to return to home.”

”There might not be anything good after death, but here is nothing good either. I can decide about my life as nobody asked my opinion whether I want to be born or not. I am sure I will succeed in the future”

Obsessional thoughts most intense in the evening before sleep. Suicidal ideation persistant after first suicide attempt, when read a book about life after death.

2 alter identities:

“I feel like I have 2 selfs: one constantly thinks about suicide, other says it is not normal. I like to think about death, then I feel happy.”

Psychiatrist: face hypomimic, melanholic, slow movement, emotionally numb, lack of volition, resoneric speech, but no delusions, hallucinations and disorganised thoughts.Currently a chef in restaurant, wants to quit that job.
Treatment in hospital: Escitalipram -> clomipramine 100mg, Risperidone 3mg. T.Sulpirid 200mg x2 (less obsessional thoughts, sleeps better, depressive symptomes decreased, suicidal thoughts persist: collects fact sheets of different medicines to know how better commit a sucide.)
Psychoanalytic therapy was recommended by psychiatrist.

3rd admission
2002 november, 23 days
Diagnosis: Severe depression without psychotic symptoms. Borderline Personality Disorder
8th suiside attempt: visited friend, saw tablets and took them. In coma several days.

„I will kill myself anyway. I want/must kill myself! I cant do anything read a newspaper, watch Tv, the obsession is always there.There is 2 persons inside me: one says I need to live, need to refurbish my flat. Second person looks any opportunity to kill himself. I imagine how I will have a car crash, bones broken, blood everywhere… second person likes that.”

No ambitions – seen and done everything. Doesn’t fight with his suicidal thoughts anymore, not feeling guilty about anything. Has list of killing medicines.
Ambivalence:

“Everything was so ok – suddenly my hand reached towards tablets. Half of my face was laughing when reaching tablets and I couldn’t control it anymore.”

Psychiatrist: admits that suicide thoughts are his, sometimes has doubts about it. No formal thought disorders, no hallucinations.
Treatment: T.Sulpirid 300mg and T.Mirtazapine 30mg: mood stable, patient has many plans, wants to get back to work, wants to accept marriage proposal from other patient, no time to think about suicide.

4th admission
October 2003
Diagnosis: Moderate depression, BPD
Problems: dunk driving, penalty 1000EUR, split up with partner, workplace go broke. Not feeling well in crowded places, avoids them.
In meantime 2 suicide attempts: tried to hang himself – cable was too long. Overdose with tablets, friend found him, told him off, John vomitted tablets out.
Complaints: anxious, restless, sleeping problems, nightmares.
MMPI : hypomanic state, bipolar, borderline personality

5th admission
October 2006, 24 days
Suicide attempt: tried to jump from 5th floor.
Diagnosis: F28 Other non psychotic disorder, BPD, F12.1 Harmful use of cannabinoids
2 weeks before that tried to injure himself by bottle.
Continued..