Please help before I go INSANE

I'm sorry, I usually really don't complain much, so please bear with me. I am having this problem with my husband and him drinking waaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too much.

I normally wouldn't even complain, because I myself am an alchoholic..... YES I said it. I have spent the last 11 years getting smashed every night.

Lately, I have gotten a job, so I don't really have time to drink, and I am totally fine with that, although I DO have a couple of beers/drinks when I get home, just to get me to sleep all night. ( I have horrible insomnia)

Here is my problem:

I usually get off work at 6pm. When I get home, my hubby is passed out in his recliner, wakes up long enough to eat, then goes back to sleep in the bedroom. I have asked him not to do this because it interferes with "our time" and to not have more than 2 shots of 100 proof vodka and a couple of beers, as I feel this is totally reasonable.

Tonight I came home, he was passed out in his recliner, called me a couple of names because I wasn't here because he wanted me here when he was home. Sooooooooooo............... fixed him some dinner, after he complained a little about it, and I took the time to fix it, he ate then went to bed. Here I am feeling like dirt after working all day, him telling me I'm pretty much worthless since I started working, and trying to make this relationship work (without me drinking constantly).

I need input PLEASE!!!! If it is just me, I will work on it... BUT I see some issues here that HE needs to resolve as well. If I am at work, obviously I don't know HOW much he has drank, but sheeeeeeeeeeesh, do I really have to come home every day to this??

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............................. And last week when I came home, he was more spunky than usual.... I found out a couple of days later that he did coke that night.....

At my wit's end.... any suggestions?

Just have a heart to heart conversation when you are both sober. Don't be accuse him of anything or sound confrontational. Make it sound like you have a problem and need help, let him come to the rescue and fix your problem.

Well...getting a job seemed to have helped you cut way down on drinking. Tell him to get a job. Then both of you should go to AA meetings together after work. JMOHO.

S&F for being so honest....

Not gonna lie to you there are plenty of ways to help the man..


takes alot of time , patience , compassion and understanding though..


www.spiritualriver.com...

www.howtohelpanalcoholic.org...


www.projectknow.com...


But i would say forget him move on and find something better.


Tell him you want to take a break , and if he wants the marriage to work then he should get help fixed , nd then start over.


You should too !


If you can't bother with that . Then just go through the steps , links , and local support. Its going to be a hard long battle.

But if we want to change the outside we have to change within first!

That includes you ! to set an example.

But if that was me in that situation i'd walk away ! start over clean slate

good luck!

or buy him more coke...



jk

Originally posted by yourboycal2



But i would say forget him move on and find something better.


Tell him you want to take a break , and if he wants the marriage to work then he should get help fixed , nd then start over.






But if that was me in that situation i'd walk away ! start over clean slate

And thats one of many problems with society and the worst advice you could give.
Marriage is forever.

Your post disgusted me and made me throw up in my mouth a little.

reply to post by Destinyone


The thing is, he has a job, and it is very important to him. He goes EVERY day, hasn't called in sick in the last 6 years... He just has his other priorities messed up. Thanks for your input though.

Both of you need some serious help.

alcoholism.about.com...

www.psychtreatment.com...

www.alcoholismandmarriage.net...

These 3 links might lead you in the right direction. I am not a doctor, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all, regardless of your past with this man.

Goodluck

Sounds like your relationship was based on you to always drinking together, which i don't think is a good foundation for a relationship. It sounds like to me the drinking is the problem and maybe you both should work on that if you want your relationship to work.

OK I'm going to be a tad harsh for a second but I mean absolutely no offence.

Alcoholism and relationships usually don't mix. Its a proven fact. Also long term alcoholism destroys a persons personality.

Once again I apologize but looking from the outside in and having experience dealing with alcoholics it just makes a world of sense. Same applies for addicts too.

I won't tell you what to do though. Your life, your choices.

Good luck.

reply to post by iSHRED


I work with a battered and abused Woman's group, have for 12 yrs now. Some marriages are not forever..some of .those people end up dead....way too often

reply to post by freespirit1

First off you must be commended for your honesty. Thank you! I too am a habitual drinker although I never use the term alcoholic to describe myself. By that, I mean I am not showing signs of physical dependance. I would say I am an alcohol abuser but that is just a small technicality.

Rest assured what you have just described is NOT "just you". You are now the one being sober and seeing it from the other side and I do know how bad that can be.

From what you have said, he does seem to be in quite a state and for both your sakes, I think he must address that problem. If you can get him while he is sober or at least, not smashed, a good and honest discussion must surely be the first step of action. Reasoning with someone who is "smashed" is not going to help.

Dang! Coke as well? Hmm, I have no experience with that but I think a good discussion where you lay down your problems with the situation as it now is is the 1st step. If that doesn't help then I think you need to seek some kind of professional help, whether that is a mediator or marriage counselor type person or maybe even a substance abuse (alcohol is also a substance) time should tell but I think the first step should be a calm discussion when both of you are reasonably compos mentis should be the first step.

I wish you all the best.

Oh honey, this is NOT a healthy relationship.

Perhaps working through why you are drinking so much and why you think this is a good relationship might be a good place to start.

If you cannot make healthy choices, or believe in your self worth, you simply cannot have a healthy relationship.

Originally posted by Destinyone
reply to post by iSHRED

 

I work with a battered and abused Woman's group, have for 12 yrs now. Some marriages are not forever..some of .those people end up dead....way too often

edit on 15-12-2011 by Destinyone because: (no reason given)

Sorry let me correct myself, there are very few reasons why a marriage should end.

Abuse and Adultary

but him having a drinking problem doesnt me she just throws up the deuce and walks out.

my point was that marriage is a joke these days...

reply to post by freespirit1


Then he is obviously unhappy about something. Maybe some therapy or marriage counseling, though I would say he needs to find the reason he is using alcohol as an escape. He has good work habits, that is helpful. Yes, you are right, his priorities are not right. But, Sweet Pea, it's not your job to fix him. That is his job.

Your job is to set the boundaries that give you a level of comfort living in your own home. If you have no boundaries of what is acceptable behavior, he will continue to walk all over you. Plus, by setting healthy boundaries, you are setting an example for him.

ETA I think you should look into therapy for yourself. Try to identify why you even consider this a healthy relationship. Why you think it's ok to be a door mat. It's not you know. You can't make him change, but, you can look into what changes would make you a healthier individual.

reply to post by iSHRED


I never accuse of anything. That is just not my nature. I have tried this approach, and he says he will fix it, but I guess the vodka is more important. Just like him making commitments to get things done, and I am usually the one to fulfill those promises.

reply to post by freespirit1

Personal disclosure. I experienced similar relationship problems that my significant other blamed on my alcohol level. To address that problem I went from drinking daily to nothing at all and kept it up for several months with no problems whatsoever. It was never good enough though which kind of showed me that alcohol was not the problem but in fact the relationship itself. To cut a long story short, she left without a word after 10 years of being together. I then went back to drinking and still do.

Please help before I go INSANE

You must realize that, right now we ALL ALREADY INSANE... ALL OF US.. just look at it!!

Originally posted by metaldemon2000
OK I'm going to be a tad harsh for a second but I mean absolutely no offence.

Alcoholism and relationships usually don't mix. Its a proven fact. Also long term alcoholism destroys a persons personality.

Once again I apologize but looking from the outside in and having experience dealing with alcoholics it just makes a world of sense. Same applies for addicts too.

I won't tell you what to do though. Your life, your choices.

Good luck.

Sometimes harsh is what I actually need. Yes it is my choice, and for now I CHOOSE to give him a chance or 3.... He gets harsh sometimes, but never physical. I don't do well with the mental thing, but he knows this and is trying to correct it. I was pregnant last year with his baby and lost it, even though I didn't drink at that time, and that has led me to where I am with the only having a couple a night.

I lost my sister to alcoholism a few years back, so I really DO know what it is and how it happens, proceeds, and ruins one's life, and seriously, I don't want to be that person.

Thanks for your input, I am trying to make some life decisions here, and it its sooooooo damn difficult!!!

Originally posted by iSHRED
or buy him more coke...



jk

I know you were kidding, but HELL NO LOL

Even though he was super nice, it was fake, and I don't do well with that.