The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Amazing, amazing and all round great post, great responses, it always is a great surprise to stumble on one of these gems on ATS....they are pretty rare.

I am a bit obsessed with death. Other girls plan their weddings, I plan my funeral. I want it to be the most obnoxious celebration under the sun....I want all my friends and family there and I want them to do ridiculous things and hold nothing back. I am not interested in dying a boring death, I want my death to be as unique as my life, but who knows I may die in the lamest way ever.....I hope not ; )

I do have regrets, but I do not dwell on them too much, they have lead me down this path and right now I am pretty happy overall. I guess if I had to pick one of the 5 that would be most likely for me, it might be number 1, simply because I spent the first 30 years of my life trying to make my family love me and accept me...finally I realized I was not the one with the problem. They had the problem, and I was able to accept them and their flaws and love them, even when I knew they just were not capable of loving me in return.

It took me 30 years to figure it out and I wasted a lot of time, but hopefully I'll have another 30 and I will continue "figure things out".

Thanks for the post!!
s&f!!!

Great thread. I just got back from another business trip tonite and am now laying in bed with my 21 month old daughter snuggled up by my side. On the other side of her is my wife and at the foot of the bed is my 1 month old son's crib. My daughter has her own room but I scooped her up and brought her to bed right after I showered and cleaned myself up.

I have a few regrets already from my 33 years on this planet and missing out on my children's golden years is something I don't want to add to that list. From time to time I fantasize about going back in time and telling the younger me to make the "right" choice. But this time, I think I really will make some changes by seeing how much money we really do need. Sadly though, in this day and age, money makes the world go round. And especially in the US where there is no social safety net for the sick, amassing large sums of money is even more important. sigh...

They all seem to be a bit one sided; no fear of not living a more religious and spiritual life? No fear of not being a better, kinder, and gentler person??

These fears all seem to be centered on the life that was lived, and not the life that is to come. If one were spiritually aware, he would have less regrets about "not being true to myself" and other self focused ideas, and more regrets on not having made better use of the life that is now leaving him.

This world is an ANTECHAMBER and PASSAGE to another world. The real loss is, people lived a life not knowing that.

Originally posted by pstrron

I am sure some will say that the yacht is rather selfish because of there cost. However, it's not about traveling to exotic locations and basking in the sun while sipping piña colada's. It's about taking doctors and nurses to remote locations accessible only by sea and providing care to those in need. The yacht allows you to stay on station while providing support and supplies for the doctors and nurses. That is a dream that one way or another I'm going to fulfill.

This is a great dream, you can do it!

I also plan to own a yacht when I retire. But, for selfish reasons. I am going to live on it and travel back and forth between Norway and Iceland, where I will also have small cottages. Maybe I'll help some marooned sailors at some point, but I really just want to be free to do as I please and go where I want to.

Of course, I can be free and go where I want to when I die... but that's another thread all together.

Everything that is being said, was said fourty years ago.

I have cystic fibrosis,And ive gone through 39 years of denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and feeling at times of being lost, alone, scared, isolated... disjointed then finally acceptance.To me every birthday is truly a time for celebration..Most people worry about aging, but I yearn to experience graying hair and laugh lines circling my mouth. I don't expect them. I can't.But I do live by hope..then there are things I don't even have to hope for, Because I already have them knowing I am loved and cherished by my family and friends..I believe that the most important things in life are the relationships we nurture. Death is uncontrollable it can touch anyone at any time, without notice. I know that. There is not one day that I am not appreciating being alive..

As heavy as it sounds you really just have to make sure you're living your life the best you can and what's going to make you happy so that if something terrible like this ever did happen to you that you don't have any regrets.
Appreciate the ones that you love and the ones who love you. Life is about relationships, it's not about what kind of job you have or what kind of car you own or how much money you have and materialistic things, it's about your relationships..Peace,sugarcookie1

I have already given my life. My responsibility as a male.

I have no concerns about death or opposition.

I am an American soldier, and a defender of that which I believe is righteous.

My prime directive is the safety of a certain female, and she loves me for who I am.

I personally do not believe in love.

It's #ing principle.

Originally posted by havok
reply to post by Droogie

 

I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

Such a true statement even today.
I see men, like myself, everywhere striving to make ends meet.
All the while, giving up dreams, their family, and their very existance.
Just because money is needed to survive in this world.


Truly pathetic, but shockingly accurate.


We can change this ideal, but the television dictates lives now, so....

Don't get married. Seriously. The average guy produces way more then we consume. Simple work only as hard as you need to. It isn't the "TV" that tricked men into working to the grave, it was traditionalist, Church of Cain going women(see Mothers of the Republic Women's Rights movement that fought for the right to be SAHM's after the early days of the Industrial Revolution, selling out early men's labor movement).

You would be surprised what gets excluded from the standard history books.

All of you wishing you lived a little a more and cant seem to get out of your rut ,

then please by all means use natures reset button
and take some mushrooms or drop a tab of acid and see how you feel the next day.

Honestly its like hitting the reset button you wake up and think wow I really put my life in perspective.
Consider it though , do it in comfortable surroundings with someone you trust and who can look after you !

I had a family lunch today - it was brilliant.

So I got all mushy and I rang my absent family.

It was GREAT!

Being one that is facing this head on, i was told this year i had 1-3 years left to live.
I have to only agree with 1 of the ones listed. The others someone was just not living life, as the writer of brave heart put it "every man lives, but not every man is alive"

I agree with "2. I wish I didn’t work so hard " We spend our life gathering meaningless things, money, toy's, big houses when in reality that is not what is important.

My other 4 regrets.

1. Not seeing my daughter and 2 sons graduate high school.
2. Not being able to walk my daughter down the isle when she gets married.
3. Being so broke that i had to miss out on a lot of life and what it had to offer because to many people put a high value on things.
my final regret, i wont get to grow old, watch the other half turn gray, enjoy grand kids, be there to help them out when they need it.

if those were the top 5 reasons, people were living their life's wrong to start with.

So one day in the near future Fellow ATSer's i wont be around to read the great stories and some of the wacky theories. But i have to thank you, in the years that i have followed the website and checked in on it daily,
you sure do put some food for though out there.

So for a dying mans wish, keep up the good work, dig deeper, think outside the normal, stretch what most think of as accepted. But above all else Deny Ignorance.

reply to post by Droogie


Where to start.

1. does not apply to me, if anything my regret will be the opposite, i will wish i had of spent more time making others happy with me.

2. Again, the opposite will likely be true for me, i will have wished i had of worked harder, though i doubt i'll care too much on my death bed about how many things i own.

3. ok, again, the opposite will be true, i wear my emotions like a drag queen her frock, never hidden, much to my regular regret.

4. I am in touch with my friends, don't know what the future holds though.

5. All things considered i usually do let myself be happier, though that might be the 80 proof moonshine i'm drinking saying that.

Seems i'm doin ok by these standards.

Thanks OP that cheered me up

reply to post by Droogie


Excellent OP, Droogie. I think it's wonderful for those people who feel they are able to change their lives in a significant way. I, for one, feel like a completely pre-determined being. Everything was decided the moment I was conceived. I, the part that observes, has merely been along for the ride to witness.

OP, you thread was great.
i myself am a caregiver, LVN/LPN and iv'e encountered this when iv'e had conversations with the patients i had to pass meds. to during my internship. it's sad that it isn't possible to "get close" with your patients because of lack of nurses and time. ever since i became a care giver my life dramatically changed.

i learned to let the POSITIVE things in life overcome the NEGATIVE things in life, that alone has made me A LOT more happier. some patients of mine made me understand that at a blink of an eye i myself can be in a wheel chair being unable to enjoy life with my health.

so everyday i smile and smile more when i make people smile.

and when i smile, i smile like this -> ...
not like this ->

The last one, I wish I was more happy, struck a chord.
Most people I ever meet in life always seem to say "I will be happy when..." And you know, I never see them happy. I gave up trying to have the biggest salary, the best car, etc, when I realised after a near death experience a few years ago, that I already had plenty to be happy about.
I started to say at this point "I am happy because," and have never looked back.
I have a good home, a nice car already, but above all that I have a great family and two great kids. In the never ending quest to be brainwashed into thinking that more=better, I think we as people lose sight of that.
I'll admit I took a hell of a leap of faith changing my life from one of excess to one of humility, but after two years, I no longer sit up at night stressed about what tomorrow will bring, and have a great deal more time to spend with family, something all the money in the world couldn't compete with....
And I am happy because of that.

Thanks for your replies, it really made this thread worthwhile. It seems we are most concerned about living life true to the 'soul' rather than the ego, somehow, that is quite relieving. I guess what this thread has shown up until now, is that we share something profound that transcends the everyday BS. And that in the end, we really do share much the same values in life, the things that really do matter. The next guy or girl in the street is likely not that much different from you, we just get distracted with all the divisiveness that saturates the everyday life.

Originally posted by Droogie
Thanks for your replies, it really made this thread worthwhile. It seems we are most concerned about living life true to the 'soul' rather than the ego, somehow, that is quite relieving. I guess what this thread has shown up until now, is that we share something profound that transcends the everyday BS. And that in the end, we really do share much the same values in life, the things that really do matter. The next guy or girl in the street is likely not that much different from you, we just get distracted with all the divisiveness that saturates the everyday life.

First of all life is not a pass or fail course, yes therl be times when u feel down and wish that you made a different choice but ya might as well smile, keep calm and if you have a beer close by drink it

Secondly why worry about anything there is always someone worse off than you that made worse mistakes. It is emotional for people and I understand not everyone is made of the same cloth but try to focus on the good times and try to feel that u were spoilt for havin been a chance to get here no matter how we got here.....cheers da by the way.

Some people don't have the chance to reminise about there life

Conclusion; keep calm have a beer and remember u can't fail so smile

I live life not worrying about what I am going to regret when I die.

reply to post by Droogie


I think that the sample of people asked was skewed. If the person who did the study was working in palliative care, that suggests that the people who were dying had adequate health care - something that doesn't apply to most people in the US. That being the case, you're likely to have mostly people who had jobs, were relatively well off, and had the shortcomings of those whose lives followed that course. You wouldn't get many people whose choices led them to situations where they didn't have adequate health care and thus weren't heard.

What of the homeless person? I suspect his dying regrets would focus more around missed opportunities, possibly getting into some sort of substance abuse; maybe trusting the government and enlisting in the armed forces,only to suffer PTSD and get no treatment for it. If this person never got much chance to work, then he probably didn't regret working so hard. He might very well have regrets about sharing his feelings, if doing so led to broken relationships, lost jobs, or other problems. His regrets wouldn't be noted, though, since he wouldn't be receiving palliative care.

What of the poor people - those who never had much money? If they hadn't worked hard, their dying regret might have been, "I wish I had worked harder, so I could have fed all my kids." Working hard isn't a choice for most people. Maybe it was for that last generation, where you could simplify and work less. Not any more. Most people are just barely making it. They don't have any room to "simplify" unless that means living on the street or not eating.

I think it's sadder that people don't find work that they love. Most of us spend more of our waking hours at work than anywhere else. It would be good if we could work at something we find interesting, exciting, rewarding. Unfortunately, in the interests of profits many jobs have degenerated into soul-killing, meaningless routines that have no value to the worker.

Originally posted by thisguyrighthere
All of those things are perverted by living in a society.

You cant live the life you want because society doesnt want you to. Either through taxation, legislation, popular opinion and taboos, society forces the individual to assimilate.

Following your dreams leads to socially imposed roadblocks of its own in shunning, disapproval, scapegoating, and more extremely blacklisting, property confiscation and imprisonment.

You could sum up that list of 5 regrets and boil it down to "I regret having lived among you assholes."

You so smaught......my question to people with this perspective is this: What the hell do you want to do that equates freedom to you? What exactly do you want to do that you are so sure will be "extremely" frowned upon I think I should start a thread on this.