The Girl Who Screamed.... ((Part One))

((Okay so this is the first part of the story and a sampler of it. If its popular and people like it I shalt continue it and create a second part.))

December 7, 2011 ((The Flashback from where it all began.)) It smelt of death.... it looked like death. A young woman around the age of 22 would stare up at the blackness that surrounded her. She was cold.... she was alone..... she was..... was she? No.... the young woman thought as she tried to smile, her lips cracking.... the skin peeling and a maggot popping out of her perfectly shaped lower lip, her lips being small and very feminine. Why am I here? The young woman thought to herself. Who am I? What am I doing here? I should be in my bed.... in my dark room.... I should be out helping them..... he.... no... it was them who killed me.... it was because of them I am..... and with that the young woman opened her maggot filled mouth and let out a horrid scream that would echo and vibrate through the ground, out and into the night air of the old abandoned cemetery.

September 1, 2011 Mom you need to go back to him!!! If you don't you'll be making a horrid mistake and ruin your life. The young womans mother turned her head and took one look towards her daughter and giving her an evil glare she would frown and turn her stare back towards the floor saying in a firm and harsh tone. No... I don't need drugs in my life, I definitely don't need him in my life. Especially if he can't accept what I do with my Facebook on my phone!!! Shaking her head in frustration the young woman would call her moms bf back explaining what her mom had said. The moms bf would sigh and shake his head as he fiddled with a tape recorder on the other end of the line. I dunno what to do anymore. The man would reply with an exasperated sigh as the girl on the other end of the line would just shake her head and let out an even more exasperated sigh. I don't know what to do either. Listen... we better go or else she will bother you more the young woman would reply in a firm but caring tone. With that the two hung up.

September 20, 2011 "I AM SICK OF THIS BULL #!!!" "I am gone!" The young woman would shout as she packed her bags and exited the house. As she started to make her way down Labraum Lane and she turned the corner to the right she would begin to pass an old building that she had not seen before. Noticing that the building was fairly old and she had never seen it before she would begin to walk through the piled high grass that led up to the front porch. As she began to climb the short rickety steps to the door "BAM!!!"

October 2, 2011 Hello? Hello, hunny are you okay? Hey... come on.... wake up. Ughhhhhh was the only reply from the woman as she began to open her eyes. As she awoke she would look up to see a young man who appeared to be around the age of twenty four standing above her and looking down into her eyes while he held a flash light, spilling the bright light into what felt like swollen eyes to the young woman who was staring up at him wearily. The young woman would feel that her hands were bandaged, and with her bandaged hands she would begin to feel that she was on a cold metal table and as she began to look away from the mans bright light she would begin to see that the room she was in was filled with a bright white light that was even brighter then the doctors light that had been shining into her eyes only seconds ago.

reply to post by Rishiana

It's alright.
It's Would like to see where it goes from here.
Your use of grammar is off though.
You use the word would a lot.
Work on that. Read through and rewrite so the dialogue is coming from someone's point of view.

reply to post by GmoS719
Ah thanks for the kind pointers but I was hoping they would see it from the victims eyes. Not from a persons point of view. I wanted the reader to "FEEL" as if they were the victim. Any pointers for that?

reply to post by Rishiana


Nothing major, I think you are off to a good start.

For instance "and with that the young woman would open her maggot filled mouth and let out a horrid scream that would echo and vibrate through the ground, out and into the night air of the old abandoned cemetery."

Take out would and change open to opened, it makes the sentence sound odd.

Another example. "Mom you need to go back to him!!! If you don't you'll be making a horrid mistake and ruin your life. The young womans mother would look towards her daughter and give her an evil glare."

When you use the word "would" it changes to point of view IMO.
Besides the use of this word, it's all good.

reply to post by GmoS719


Okay I changed it and edited it. How does it sound now? Better I hope. Thanks for the help btw.

Originally posted by Rishiana
reply to post by GmoS719

 

Okay I changed it and edited it. How does it sound now? Better I hope. Thanks for the help btw.

Looks good!
Look forward to seeing part 2.

reply to post by GmoS719


Okay thanks for your kind words and help. I appreciate it >333