This will be my first post on ATS and I probably wont make many friends because of it and that is fine. I have not had many friends in my life. I have
been wanting to rant about this for a long time. Longer than you can imagine.
Everything I have to say are not easy things to say or admit.
Nothing in this world has influenced my life in a bad way more than the word 'unwanted'.
It is a word that can make my blood boil and put me on the edge of spontaneous combustion.
This word has a way of making me feel an anger I could not possibly put into words.
Consequently I have taken from this bad influence a changed perspective of the world and grown from it after a lot of living and learning.
I am the mistake of a 15 year old girl and a teenage boy who did not have the intellect and moral self-discipline to be a responsible person and hold
back their sexual desires long enough to give a thought to the possible consequences of their actions.
I am the unwanted pregnancy.
I am the unwanted fetus.
I am the unwanted child.
I am the unwanted teenager.
I am the unwanted adult.
I was a burden to my mother who wishes I was not born and my father believes and says I do not exist.
To my knowledge I have never heard my mother say 'I love you'.
I have heard many times that I was a mistake.
I have heard many times that I ruined my mothers life.
I know my mother's bitterness over having an unwanted child.
I've lived a life of corporal punishment as a child.
Do you know what it is like to be an unwanted child and believe you do not exist?
Do you know what it is like to be hated simply for existing?
I am the definition of an 'unwanted' being and it reads like the story of my life - not wanted; not needed; undesirable; unloved; not received with
pleasure; unwelcome; undesirable; evoking or deserving hatred; unacceptable; unpopular; unfortunate; rejected; disliked; useless; outcast; forsaken
Can you imagine learning that because of other peoples beliefs your mother could not do something that you believe is a woman's right to choose to do
and that you yourself have done?
My mother vehemently believes in abortion and that it is a woman's choice.
It is never that simple though. I have had two abortions in my life. While I can not say that I was forced into this choice, it was definitely a
choice that I let other people influence. I was a woman who did not have the intellect and moral self-discipline to be a responsible person and hold
back my sexual desires long enough to give a thought to the possible consequences of my actions.
In the heat of the moment the man I had spent several years with asked me if I would have his child, I wanted to so I said yes. After I was pregnant
he got cold feet and described my pregnancy as 'unwanted'. Unwanted pregnancy equaled abortion in my mind and he would not have it any other way.
I should have given more thought to it a couple of years later when he asked me again if I would have his child. But i did what I wanted to do. Again
he changed his mind and this time I was unwanted and so was my pregnancy. He all of a sudden was dating someone else. He said if I did not have an
abortion he would do it for me. He turned our friends against me and they started saying that I was trying to have a 'keep a [negro] baby'. His new
girlfriend would send me messages saying 'get an abortion', 'you should be pushed down some stairs' and other messages along those lines.
From our families I was told grandchildren were unwanted. No one wanted to be a grandmother or grandfather. The more I said I wanted to have the baby
the more people made it clear it was unwanted. I conceded once again unwanted pregnancy equaled abortion.
I have always found it humorous that the meaning of part of my name is 'Sea of Bitterness' because I was floating around in the deepest bitterness. I
was as bitter as my mother had always been to me. I did not even call myself human at one point in my life because I did not feel or know love. I did
what my mother wished she could have done to me. What I believed and did are the actions of a sick twisted freak and I learned it and lived it then I
had to learn to live with it.
Now it makes me feel sick to see people so carelessly call life unwanted and a burden to society. Or that society would save money if we did not have
the burden of all the unwanted. I at one point in my life felt the exact same way and it makes me angry.
My whole outlook on life has changed over time. I have had a change of heart and mind. I am. I exist. I am quite lucky to have a life. And I now know
one person who truly loves me for the simple fact that I am.
In life or death situations I choose life because life was chosen for me. Whether the issue is dealing with unwanted animals or unwanted people, I
choose life. If it causes death to a being I am against it - war, abortion, murder, death penalty, euthanasia of animals and people, gas chambers,
physician-assisted suicide, clear cutting of forests... whatever may cause death and destruction by the hands of a human being I am against it.
I still believe a woman has a right to choose what she does with her body, but if she asks me about abortion I will advise that life is the best
option. I have over the last couple of years advised two woman who asked me about having an abortion. They were appalled by my story of my abortions
and how I was an unwanted child. I was glad they found it so appalling. After they had their babies they were very happy that they did not decide to
do as I did. I am happy they did not do as I did also. I just wish that more people could see that having the mentality that an unwanted being should
be put to death simply because it is unwanted is a sick and twisted way to treat the living. Nothing I have been through in my life, no matter how
sick or bad it has been, is worse than death and I've been holding hands with death before. Life is too beautiful a thing to waste and I am done
I have forgiven my mother and the father I do not even know the name of. It took a long time to get to that point past all the bitterness. Even though
I have learned to live with my actions and chastise myself many times because of them, I do not know if I will ever get to the point of forgiving
All I can do is share what I know and what I have lived.
Like a wise man once said 'My life is my message'.
End of Rant.
edit on 7/12/11 by masqua because: Edited censor circumvention