Being an Aspie in a Non-Aspie World, or, How I Learned To Love Aplomb (WTB)

Originally posted by FissionSurplus
reply to post by timidgal

 

One thing about me, if I feel I have been wronged, I am a force to be reckoned with, so I went over her head straight to the top and threatened legal action, along with an ugly expose about their violations of federal law for falsifying state records in order to keep their contract with the state of Texas, which I had been asked to participate in and I violently refused. I got a "revised" personnel record signed by the CEO. My boss quit soon thereafter. Let it never be said that Aspies can't make waves when they desire change.

Having spent many years being an employee advocate myself, I can say with certainty that what you did was no easy feat and I applaud your tenacity and success in fighting for what was right.

As far your son being stubborn and not wanting to be labeled and in a program, he is reacting from a place of fear, a place where no logic can go. I knew of one family who, in desperation, sent their grown Aspie son to the movies, and when he came back, they had moved out! I guess the first hurdle is, getting your son to accept his diagnosis, and for him to accept that it is not shameful to accept help from others. If he accepts it from you, he can accept it from a program.

I'm somewhat ashamed to say that things have gotten so volatile at home, we've considered similar action (not moving out, but telling the state that we just can't have him live with us anymore). We just can't bring ourselves to do this - we love him so much - but we are all so utterly miserable, my son included, but we seem to be at a stalemate. He wants us to just set him up in an apartment and let him live his own life (with no means of support other than the small SSI stipend he receives which is barely enough to survive on, but he's completely unrealistic about this). Is it wrong for us to want a better life for him? Is it wrong to try to convince him that he should want that for himself, even if he sees it as being forced to do something he doesn't want to do?

I will look at the websites you listed and try what you have recommended. If it doesn't work, I might need some additional advice (if that's okay with you).

I can't thank you enough for your kind and consider response.

reply to post by timidgal


You definitely should get professional advice! I am no longer in "the business", and this is just a website for sharing ideas. You have to figure out a way to deal with it, certainly, before it gets any worse. You love your son, but let's face it, adult children living at home gets exhausting. The fact that you can see how easily this could all be resolved, but your son refuses to see it and will argue until the end of time with you, has got to create feelings of irritation and resentment. You're not bad parents for feeling this way. It is normal to get frustrated with Aspies who dig their heels in and shut their minds to any possibilities they didn't think of.

People that have children who are mentally retarded understand that the chances are small that, when their child grows up, they will be able to live independently with no help. That is the dark side of Asperger's and high-functioning autism: There are some that will never be able to live independently. They certainly seem smart enough, so it is frustrating for families to see a child turn into an adult physically and mentally (mostly), but not emotionally.

Assisted living is a good choice, but a smart Aspie would rebel against such a stigma. I knew one young man who's family abandoned him, and he was living in Section 8 housing and going to school at the local university. However, he had a case worker through MHMR because he had trouble making sure he had enough money each month, and he almost lost his housing because the inside of his little apartment was so filthy, bug-ridden and nasty that they threatened to evict him.

He refused to let any strangers into his house to clean it, even though he knew on an intellectual level that he would be thrown into the street. His caseworker, a definite angel, got him to let her into his place, and it took her two work days to scrub away a year of neglect and refusal to clean.

Some Aspies cling to habits and fantasies even when reality is biting them on the backside.

If you can't afford to support your son while he lives somewhere other than home, you have to make him understand it. Every Aspie is different. How you get him to understand it is something I can't tell you. Here is where a professional can help you, because, believe me, you are far from the only family who is dealing with this issue.

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out!

reply to post by FissionSurplus

Again, your words take the thoughts right out of my head and articulate them perfectly. Unfortunately, his father and I have been trying to find the type of professionals you suggest for many years and have not yet had any luck. We feel that time is running out but we will continue trying.

Thank you so much for your well wishes...