posted on Dec, 1 2011 @ 07:47 AM
It's been nearly 2 years i have been carrying this "thing" around with me, it's been to long and i really don't like it.. started off really
weird actually, when i was getting my passport photo taken, a sudden urge of terror, fear and dread struck me, the feeling is unexplainable, very
dreadful and horrible.
After that day i started to worry about it and think it might happen again, which lead to minor depression ( i was 20 at the time) so i kept telling
myself it doesn't exist, it's all in your head! after a couple of months of trying to forget about it, the feeling comes back but with a huge rush..
i have no idea what triggered it.. just happened out of no where and this was at night too. This led me to not going out at nights, just the thought
of it happening again wasn't great, so i avoided everything to do with "night time" like going out with mates an stuff when ever it gets dark the
panic/anxiety feeling will come slowly.
suffering from that for 3 months and closing myself up indoors, i finally told my self i had enough, not going to let this take over my life.. So i
started drinking with mates an slowly gained confidence on going out at nights.. which worked out a bit.. all was fine for a time, getting less
panic/anxiety and i wasn't really thinking about it to much, but i knew it was still there deep down in me, i just couldn't let it go for some
So a month after that i was out with friends, my mates mate which i know but not so great decided to go clubbing, so we all went an drank an stuff and
he pulls out a pill (mdma) .. and started handing it out to the group i was with, i hesitated ( im not a drug user at all) they told me you know it
will be fun and all that just try it, so me being so stupid i decided to take one, so i did and the pills kicking in hard, im enjoying myself talking
to people i wouldn't talk usually because of my condition basically it gave me a high super confidence boost which was great and stupid at the same
time, were in the club an they tell me how do you feel, i told them i was fine but i feel normal, they gave me a 2nd one, i asked why? he replied, "
trust me it will hit you twice as hard" me being drunk at the time an just recently taken a pill, took this one! now this is the really scary
With all the loud music and people all over the place, my mind started to drift into a state of emptiness, it was a really weird feeling, i started to
think so deep, trying to figure out what this feeling was, i was trying to capture it because i was curious.. by doing so this led me to a feeling i
have never had in my entire life i really cant find the word for it but if you put terror with dread and combine that with the devil looking at you an
the trembling feeling, this one was hell of a feeling i had, i started looking around it felt like everyone was looking at me, it was so scary, i felt
really uncomfortable i just had to get out of there.. Now i know how a panic attack feels, this was beyond that, my brain started tingling and i
couldn't see straight, everything was going far away and then close, i can feel something in my brain, it felt like it was going to pop or
After that day i had chronic depression, it was so bad.. after waiting 1 month with all these feelings including the panic still being there, i ended
up going to the doctors, i was having a panic attack while waiting.. aswell, so the the Dr calls me in i explain to him what i am feeling.. it just
took 2 minutes an he told me i needed Lexapro (worst $#^#$@ thing ever) so i took that for 3 days, and stopped it juts made things so much worse!
I went to a Psychologist, did 2 sessions and he made it worse for me to.. i don't know why, just the things he was saying ( panic can come at this
time, when you doing this, and when you feel like that) made matters worse so i never went back. I went to the Doctors again and they prescribed me
Prozac, i only took this pill 2 times and stop, because it was just making it worse like Lexapro.. till then and now i am on nothing and feel what i
felt when i was in the club, i posted this just to vent out a bit and get some ideas off you guys.. What is wrong with me in your opinion? and what
can i do to fix this?
It is ruining my life, i hate it so much! what do i need to do?
Thank you for reading.