posted on Nov, 28 2011 @ 10:14 AM
reply to post by Averysmallfoxx
Krib mused that had a man broached him in the same manner he had Nyan, why he’d have ran the bastard through not waiting for his own man to
draw his sword, though upon a last thought to it,he would still have his man run the bastard
through too, just because.
As an opening sentence, it’s different.
We get a sense of the “Lord” and his attitude towards those he deems to be inferior. However, you need to break that sentence up a little, and
perhaps add something that hints as to the double standards he exhibits and lack of respect he has for human life (which he obviously does not have):
Krib mused that had a man approached him in the same manner as he had Nyan, he’d have run the bastard through.
Why, he wouldn’t even have waited for his own man to draw his sword to do the deed and defend his master’s honour. Though, with a last thought on
the matter, he would still have had his man run the bastard through, too.
Just my take on it. You’ll need to write a larger block for anyone to get a awareness of character and story, but it’s not a bad start and we
get a sense of story.
Hope that helps.