Cleaning up my writing craft, do I suck?? Tell me what you think of the scene I have up for critique

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posted on Nov, 28 2011 @ 07:03 AM
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I am an amateur writer admittedly but I am determined to give this project Ive been working on a good run. I've had trouble with this scene lately. Its intended as a prologue piece, a way to start the ball movin torwards more interesting ideas and scenes,give it a read and tell me how you liked it (or how horrible it was....)

The Lord and the Liar

Really appreciate any effort spent on it, thanks again folks!




posted on Nov, 28 2011 @ 10:14 AM
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reply to post by Averysmallfoxx
 



Krib mused that had a man broached him in the same manner he had Nyan, why he’d have ran the bastard through not waiting for his own man to draw his sword, though upon a last thought to it,he would still have his man run the bastard
through too, just because.


As an opening sentence, it’s different.

We get a sense of the “Lord” and his attitude towards those he deems to be inferior. However, you need to break that sentence up a little, and perhaps add something that hints as to the double standards he exhibits and lack of respect he has for human life (which he obviously does not have):

Krib mused that had a man approached him in the same manner as he had Nyan, he’d have run the bastard through.
Why, he wouldn’t even have waited for his own man to draw his sword to do the deed and defend his master’s honour. Though, with a last thought on the matter, he would still have had his man run the bastard through, too.


Just my take on it. You’ll need to write a larger block for anyone to get a awareness of character and story, but it’s not a bad start and we do get a sense of story.

Hope that helps.



posted on Nov, 28 2011 @ 04:38 PM
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reply to post by Beamish
 


I greatly appreciate your willingness to lend an eye,or two
However I think I need to clarify something. Krib is NOT the "Lord", in fact, that sentence while it is in the main description, is not the first line. I only placed it there because I did feel it was a good line, a good idea of the tone of the story.Are you allowed to read the whole piece on the page I linked? Let me know if there are problems in accessing the entirety of the scene (about 2k words or so). It spans about 4 pages and I hope you and more will persue it? thanks!



posted on Nov, 29 2011 @ 05:10 AM
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reply to post by Averysmallfoxx
 


Hi

I'd love to read the rest of it, and maybe help if I can, but every time I click your linky I get a 404 message! Is the story still there?





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