Cold a poem by...me

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posted on Nov, 13 2011 @ 04:28 AM
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The quiet of the winters hold

The solemnity of the bitter cold

Envelopes me in its icy embrace

My thoughts with its coldness interlace

Holds me enraptured on its frigid dais

To make the sacrifice for being pious

The frost reminds me of my lowly state

The chill, upon my life blood is slaked

Never will I hold myself again so high

Never again will I, upon pride rely.


--John Franklin November 6, 1998
edit on 13-11-2011 by CaDreamer because: typo




posted on Nov, 13 2011 @ 04:40 AM
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Are you after constructive feedback, or...?

If not, ignore the following.


I like the idea and intent behind your poem. The bitter cold can be felt through your language choices and expression, which is great.
I think your choice to use rhyme really hinders what you're trying to say in this instance though. There are a number of places throughout the poem where you've forced the rhyme to the point that it has made you write some ungrammatical sentences... for example,

"the chill, upon my life blood is slaked", "never again will I, upon pride rely".

Rhyme is a great device in poetry, but you need to make the choice to either rhyme and be grammatical, or ditch the rhyme and say what it is that you want to say... otherwise you actually risk hindering your own message, which you've done here.



posted on Nov, 13 2011 @ 10:33 AM
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OoOoOo my turn!.......

I woke up today.
I woke up today, and people listened to what I had to say.
I woke up today, and people didn't prejudge a man by his race.
I woke up today, and people didn't judge the gays.
I woke up today, and indifferences were praised.
I woke up today, and wasn't fed lies.
I woke up today, and didn't need a diguise.
I woke up today, and didn't need to reprise.
I woke up today, and people realized.
I woke up today, and no one chased cash.
I woke up today, and Love was the topic of class.
I woke up today, and wasn't rushed to move fast.
I woke up today, and felt live as the grass.
I woke up today, and didn't feel absurd.
I woke up today, and people considered my word.
I woke up today, and there was no haze nor blur.
I woke up today, and felt free as a bird.
I woke up today, released from my cage.
I woke up today, on a better page.
I woke up today, with no fear and no rage;
For today, I woke up in a better place.......



posted on Nov, 14 2011 @ 12:31 AM
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Originally posted by Awen24
Are you after constructive feedback, or...?

If not, ignore the following.


I like the idea and intent behind your poem. The bitter cold can be felt through your language choices and expression, which is great.
I think your choice to use rhyme really hinders what you're trying to say in this instance though. There are a number of places throughout the poem where you've forced the rhyme to the point that it has made you write some ungrammatical sentences... for example,

"the chill, upon my life blood is slaked", "never again will I, upon pride rely".

Rhyme is a great device in poetry, but you need to make the choice to either rhyme and be grammatical, or ditch the rhyme and say what it is that you want to say... otherwise you actually risk hindering your own message, which you've done here.


I'd have to agree... It seems so outlined, and pre-written in a sense. Although I've never been a fan of patterns in poetry, unless they are complex, it comes with practice, as well depends on what you're trying to express. It works well for some subject matters, but not for all IMO. I'm no real critic, I just know what I like. Not saying I didn't enjoy it, just not my cup of tea.





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