Touched. How do you deal with death in the family?

Many of us have been touched by those we care about by a seemingly innocent phrase.

Steve jobs allegedly said, “Wow!, oh wow, oh wow.” What did he see? Did he realize the words he spoke would have a profound impact upon his immediate family?

My father told me the other day that we will probably never see each other again. He is acknowledging his death. It drives me nuts that I may not be there upon his passing.

This thing we call money prevents me from seeing him, or moving to help in his last days.

This tears me up.

He has passed before and has only told family of his experience. What he said has had a massive effect upon my family.

I know that being born means we must die. That is a fact of life.

His time is at hand and I believe that he has lived a good life.

It’s like in that Star trek movie where McCoy tells Kirk that he has never dealt with death before.

I know death firsthand after eight deployments and 30+ years in the military. But this time it feels different.

Am I missing something?

reply to post by TDawgRex


Death is only the beginning my friend...

What you're missing is the fact that the spirit is eternal...

Many many people have spoken to their loved ones after they have passed... Even my mother and grandmother spoke to my grandfather after he passed... In many circumstances our loved ones return to us briefly to show us that they are still alive and well, just not in this physical realm...

Death is just physical... and you are more then the physical meat of the body....

Knowing that is how one should deal with it

Hello friend.

Of course it feels different! It's your father!

The amount and depth of grief we feel is directly related to how close we are to the person that has passed.

My father died a few years ago. He was quite young and his death was a shock. I cannot adequately describe the grief I felt over losing him. I literally had to put one foot in front of the other and get up each and everyday.

It's been a few years now and honestly, I miss him terribly, but the grief is no longer as intense. You don't stop loving someone who has passed, but you do stop missing them unbearably.

Human beings have an uncanny ability to adapt.

Grieve in a healthy way. Grief is natural and important.

reply to post by Akragon


I get thet. I am very proud of my fathers achievements. He has put others before himself.

I can only hope I do the same. I do try.

reply to post by MRuss


Thank you and your words have a very profound effect.

Crap, it's hard to be the tough guy in the family.

Originally posted by TDawgRex
Many of us have been touched by those we care about by a seemingly innocent phrase.

Steve jobs allegedly said, “Wow!, oh wow, oh wow.” What did he see? Did he realize the words he spoke would have a profound impact upon his immediate family?

My father told me the other day that we will probably never see each other again. He is acknowledging his death. It drives me nuts that I may not be there upon his passing.

This thing we call money prevents me from seeing him, or moving to help in his last days.

This tears me up.

He has passed before and has only told family of his experience. What he said has had a massive effect upon my family.

I know that being born means we must die. That is a fact of life.

His time is at hand and I believe that he has lived a good life.

It’s like in that Star trek movie where McCoy tells Kirk that he has never dealt with death before.

I know death firsthand after eight deployments and 30+ years in the military. But this time it feels different.

Am I missing something?

Beautifully written. What do you think you are missing? It sounds like you "get it."

And, of course it is different-- this is your father. That is normal.

I hope his experience in passing before of which he told and which had such an impact on the family was positive, and if so, please share if you can. The Steve Jobs quote you mentioned had me remembering Saint Augustine's who had written of his beautiful speculation of Heaven saying, as he died, something like, "All I have written is but straw!"

reply to post by Frira


What he told family is ...

He saw family beckoning to him, but he felt it wasn't his time. That he had more to do. Hence, he came back, for which I am thankful.

But I have a feeling that was not there all there was to it.

Originally posted by TDawgRex
reply to post by Frira

 

What he told family is ...

He saw family beckoning to him, but he felt it wasn't his time. That he had more to do. Hence, he came back, for which I am thankful.

But I have a feeling that was not there all there was to it.

For what it may be worth, I had a similar experience, but did not tell my family anything.

This is not the right place or time for the details, but it was the part about having to go back that I hated-- I felt rejected and did not want to leave-- rejected, not damned-- I mean, after all, I was already there, but had no power to stay... not even a vote.

At least someone might have told me I would still be here forty-five years later. That is a long time to KNOW you are not Home.

reply to post by Frira


Please do not worry about why you are here. It just is.

I have been told plenty of times that I have made a differance in peoples lives...not always family.

For that I am thankful to help others, but it still does leave many unanswered questions, don't it?

Originally posted by TDawgRex
reply to post by Frira

 

Please do not worry about why you are here. It just is.

I have been told plenty of times that I have made a differance in peoples lives...not always family.

For that I am thankful to help others, but it still does leave many unanswered questions, don't it?

edit on 31-10-2011 by TDawgRex because: (no reason given)

That was so kind and so unexpected.

Having nothing to do with the events of Halloween, October 31st is a soul-searing day for me each year.

You helped a whole lot. Not to mention you reminded me I have heard a few times too-- that I made a difference. You just did. Thank you. I bet your Dad is proud of you.

reply to post by Frira


He says he is...

Look to my signature..last line.

That is the way I try to live life.

We all have our ups and downs, but if I can make someone smile a day...I think it's worth it.

I consider myself a happy jackass. Even in the down times.

TDawgRex, first I'd like to thank you for all the sacrifices you have given to serve 30+yrs. That in it self has shaped who you are. And for that I am grateful. I notice when I see your avatar and always read.

I spent 18 months, after moving back to my hometown, "sitting" with my grandmother two nights and several afternoons each week. She passed 4 weeks before her 99th Birthday. I knew in high school, I'd make the life change and come back to help her pass over. She initially had an innate fear of death. It wasn't until we would have long conversations of memories of the past and what her concepts of what the after life were going to be like, that she began to forgive herself for wrongs, forgive others tresspasses, and begin to embrace getting to the hereafter. Her last illness took us all by surprise. She was incredibly healthy but her body was failing, but her mind amazed everyone on how lucid and accurate her memory and recall were. I spent the first months after her passing getting her estate settled, my mother was executrix but totally incapable for reasons of her own.

Your title asked how does one handle dealing with the death in the family. For us, we all handled it differently. Mostly we were relieved. I know that sounds selfish in a way. But she enjoyed and did as she pleased. Her body as I said was failing her and reducing her dignity each passing day. She died gracefully for which I am thankful. But it was hard watching her become reduced to the care of others. I am blessed to be one of the family members to have gotten to spend that time with her. Picking her brain on gardening, quilting, asking what things were important her. There were family members scattered throughout the SE US, that couldn't get to her often. She wanted me to remind them she loved them all dearly. And she understood they had lives of their own and "just getting by" isn't easy for anyone. She understood. For me, I try to learn the home skills and try to emulate by her example. I always try to remember what lessons she tried to impart.

Hope this gives you a glimpse of me and mine.

reply to post by SunflowerStar


To be truthful... I want to look him one last time in the eyes and say...

I love ya Dad, ya did good.

Now I'm tearing up, so with that...

reply to post by TDawgRex

Oh, now you made me cry. Hugs and comfort to you. I hope you find a way to get back home. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Originally posted by SunflowerStar
reply to post by TDawgRex

 

Oh, now you made me cry. Hugs and comfort to you. I hope you find a way to get back home. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thank you

I think that we deal with the death of a loved one differently at different times in our lives. Any death diminishes us somewhat...we feel bereft because we will miss their mortal companionship. I fully believe, though, that our relationships with those we love continue on into the next phase - whether you want to call it immortality or Heaven or just moving to another sphere of existence.

I lost my mother almost fourteen years ago. It wasn't sudden, it was a complication from heart by-pass surgery, and she'd been going downhill for several days...but I was in total denial and was completely unprepared for her death - spiritually and emotionally. I thought that was the very hardest thing I could go through. I was wrong.

My father is now 94 and has been in assisted living for almost nine months. I am living (alone) in his house. I had been trying to take care of him and working full-time prior to that. It's not that I want to lose my father, but I am at a different place in my life now - it's been a very stressful few years with caregiving, and I feel much more able to let him go when his time comes...and it could come any time.

I will miss him...but then I'm already missing him in a sense, because he is not the man I knew as a father. He is feeble and frail and suffering from dementia. This is what's harder for me to take than the death of my mother...seeing his slow decline and deterioration. The fact that I believe once he's passed from this life, he will be again the strong, vibrant, capable man I knew makes the letting go a little bit easier.

I wish you peace and comfort and strength...and hope one day you can enjoy the fullness of joy of being reunited with your father.