How Do You Get The World To Care?

I have had a roller coaster of a love life since I was 22 (7 years). I moved to a new city and I found myself in the world trying to get a girlfriend and realizing that care is pretty much nonexistent in the world. This doesn't just mean guys don't care about girls and girls don't care about guys, but guys don't care about guys and vice versa. The biggest thing that I understand is it doesn't matter how much I love myself, how much muscle I gain, how much money I make, or what kind of styles I have. There is absolutely nothing I can do for a girl that will make her care about me. Smiling won't do anything, approaching and talking won't do anything. I can't think I of anything I can do to make anyone care. How do you do it? I am never going to get a girlfiend if all the girls that I know don't care about me, and all the girls I have met do not care about me. They might have wanted some kind of gain and shown me love but for a girl to care about me for just being me, it seems impossible even though I see myself as a good guy.

"Be the change you wan't to see in the world" - Ghandi

Well sir... to be honest, you should keep it how it is.

I know it sounds rough, but the way to enlighten yourself is to detach yourself from the people and things in this world. Otherwise, you will never be able to move on due to being attached to things that don't really exist, things that won't matter in the future.

But if that's not what your into. You need to keep your pimp hand strong. Noone wants to bust into a full on relationship with some random guy. just be a player, meet new people, don't look for the big relationship, start small. Find someone YOU are actually happy with. With your outlook, you'll end up in situations like me, either being with someone you don't love, or making someone who doesn't love you stay with you for no real rason except that its in the "norm"

Hope it helps

reply to post by greyer


I (a woman) certainly don't care about muscles or money or anything else that can fade away with time or circumstance. I care about the chemistry that I have with someone that can lead to a life filled with love and companionship. I look for a partner. Not someone who makes ME feel better. Not someone who can do things for ME. Or make me LOOK better. I want to find someone who I can accomplish all of lifes trials with together. A teammate in this madness we call life.
Maybe you assume women are superficial and are looking at things from a superficial stance? In turn, you aren't going to find someone who will genuinely care.

You're expecting 20-something girls to care about anything? Yeah, good luck with that. You either need to wait, or go older to find women who know what they want...

If you are trying to get with girls who don't care about anything, especially themselves, then they aren't going to care about you. They will care about how you make them feel about themselves though, but not "you" just what you do for them. I'm not speaking about all women, you know the ones I'm referring to though.

Apathy runs rampant in society, and if you are not in tune with this apathetic vibration, then stay away from those people because they will only make you feel like crap.

reply to post by greyer


Don't look so hard. Watch Sun Over Tuscany, it's a chick flick but very meaningful.

About 39-40 years ago (decades seem to run together at my age now) I had dated many handsome young men. One Italian actually sang to me under my bedroom window............(no go he was a womanizer).

I had a very bad family situation so when my friends (this was back in the early 70's) asked me to move into their commune (I had my own separate bedroom) I jumped at the chance.

Than, they decided to move to Chicago (we were based in St. Louis). Well, I thought I'll give it a try and maybe go onto California eventually.

(Never made it to California until my 10th Wedding Anniversary to San Francisco).

We arrived in Chicago and one of my friends friend (from Chicago) was there to greet us and help us move our furniture into our apartment.

Now at this point, I had sworn off men, given up the idea of having a home, a white picket fence, two kids, a dog and wearing a apron.

Well, our mutual friend helped us move our furniture into our apartment.

Afterwards he asked me out for pizza down the street. I accepted. We talked and talked and talked. He was honest, intelligent, funny and just plain nice............oh and his eyes were the color of a summer blue sky.

At 3:00 AM The little Italian owner in his broken english said he was quite tired and could he please close up shop..........he also predicted that this young man and I would marry, have many bombinos and live happily ever after, it was plain to him we were meant for each other.

I didn't look for love. I had given up all hope. But cupid's arrow found my heart 38 years ago, three sons, five dogs, one grand daughter, three houses, one gall bladder, one open heart surgery and countless other adventures ago.

Don't look for love, it will find you.

I wish for you just 1/2 of the happiness and love I have been blessed with.

No, our life isn't perfect. He is not the most romantic person, never sang to me under my bedroom window...........I'm no beauty queen, but when I least expected it, I found a true, everlasting love.

The quote below was read on our wedding day.

reply to post by JibbyJedi


Very wise post.

Our three sons who are now approaching middle age (god am I really that old, time sure flies by so fast)

They told me that now days many (not all) American women have a "princess / mean girl complex".

It's cool to be a (word for a female dog), it's cute, it's fashionable.

You can see Hollywood promoting this frap..........Bridezillas, the Kardashians and many of the other programs on the boob tube.

Manners and decorum have seem to given way to a urban, trashy, selfish style - and yes I guess I'm showing my age.

However, the neighborhood young man that cuts our lawn, our postman (who is also young) and a male pen pale (all three are in their 20's and quite handsome) have all said, "boy they sure don't make em like you anymore". They all three have stated they wish they could find a girl their age like me (and again, I'm no beauty queen).

Looks aren't important - you can always go to a plastic surgeon and change your appearance, however one's heart, one's soul, one's personality cannot be changed.

Many times men are so easily fooled by looks.

Again, the movie Under The Tuscan Sun, while a chick flick is really a very insightful film.

Originally posted by rom12345
"Be the change you wan't to see in the world" - Ghandi

Indeed..

There is no way to "make" the world care, greyer. The way we do that is to choose to care ourselves. When we do that, others can see it in our actions and perhaps make the same decision for themselves. In the end, it is up to us as individuals to be the change we wish to see. Because if it doesnt start where we can "control," (ourselves) then we will never see it happen.

This is an extraordinarily pertinent topic for myself right now too, an interesting coincidence.

Keep doing your best. Its constant, but there truly are others who are standing alongside you even if not directly seen.

You may or may not find that love and companionship, but you can still make the decision to Love and care for others.

I'll be honest greyer but a lot of the reasons that you used for a woman to care about you: muscles, money, your smile, are totally superficial. If you expect anyone to care for you based on those attributes it's no wonder you're being let down so much.

My advice to you is to stop caring whether they care or not.
Seriously.
I'm not saying be selfish. I'm saying that you should have the attitude that you don't need their approval.
And I say this for a good reason. If you have this attitude around women you just met, you will come off as needy and no woman likes a needy man.

Until you're actually in a relationship the question of whether they care for you shouldn't even come up.

Thank you to all who replied, once again ATS can make an embarrassing feeling turned into a welcomed one. I know the feedback will help me to learn, as would a counseling session.

I have thought my situation over and now I understand that the one thing I have not recognized is time. It's like I kept on battling time and not surrending. I lost the game of love. If I could have done the right things I would have won, and still don't know what to do.

Originally posted by doom27
Well sir... to be honest, you should keep it how it is.

I know it sounds rough, but the way to enlighten yourself is to detach yourself from the people and things in this world. Otherwise, you will never be able to move on due to being attached to things that don't really exist, things that won't matter in the future.

But if that's not what your into. You need to keep your pimp hand strong. Noone wants to bust into a full on relationship with some random guy. just be a player, meet new people, don't look for the big relationship, start small. Find someone YOU are actually happy with. With your outlook, you'll end up in situations like me, either being with someone you don't love, or making someone who doesn't love you stay with you for no real rason except that its in the "norm"

Hope it helps

That helps the way I feel. The reason why is because I happened to detach myself from the world. I think it did enlighten me, because I now see love in the world. I have always seen love in the world but have not let it transform me. It also gave me a strong sense of time which must be natural for my age, I have a perception that feels like I am younger than what I am, I feel like I just turned 25 in my mind, but at the rate time goes (while I was searching deep within) I lost not only in love but in setting an example for the world. I didn't have the knowledge before, and I have always had the fear. On the subject of fear - I can smile at a girl in the grocery store and she may respond well or may not - but I can't go up to her and get her number, the awkward fear of rejection would prevent me from having the wit to be impressive enough.

Originally posted by PassedKarma
reply to post by greyer

 

I (a woman) certainly don't care about muscles or money or anything else that can fade away with time or circumstance. I care about the chemistry that I have with someone that can lead to a life filled with love and companionship. I look for a partner. Not someone who makes ME feel better. Not someone who can do things for ME. Or make me LOOK better. I want to find someone who I can accomplish all of lifes trials with together. A teammate in this madness we call life.
Maybe you assume women are superficial and are looking at things from a superficial stance? In turn, you aren't going to find someone who will genuinely care.

I believe women have more insight then men. I yearn to get married and live together forever because I want someone who makes me feel better, but it is not selfish because that is only if I make them feel better in the same way (if not she would divorce me and I would feel twice as bad), because I understand that love makes another person feel better. Your post helps me to understand that being human is all the same and really not about what sex we are. Just because I have lost in my own reality and gained the ability to see love in the world does not mean that I get to fall in love with whoever I choose. I have lost because of ignorance and fear equally to anybody else. I know the lack of true chemistry is barrier but fear has been the hardhitter for me, because chemistry can be made like magic but fear prevents a person to trust.

Originally posted by Gazrok
You're expecting 20-something girls to care about anything?

Yeah, good luck with that. You either need to wait, or go older to find women who know what they want...

This is a good one, my reality and mind are not thinking correct and this is helping me to unravel the truth. Care is not offered as an appetizer sample in the local food mall. The world has a very hard time trusting each other in the first place for many obvious reasons, and asking for care would seem like a selfish intention. So it drove me deeper than what was productive overall because of the intensity. Everybody needs to be given care and everybody deserves it on a spiritual level, a person of the ego may not see that.

Originally posted by JibbyJedi
If you are trying to get with girls who don't care about anything, especially themselves, then they aren't going to care about you. They will care about how you make them feel about themselves though, but not "you" just what you do for them. I'm not speaking about all women, you know the ones I'm referring to though.

Apathy runs rampant in society, and if you are not in tune with this apathetic vibration, then stay away from those people because they will only make you feel like crap.

This is very intelligent. It does seem that often that reverse psychology is needed in order to stay away from it all, you know mentally.

Originally posted by ofhumandescent
reply to post by greyer

 

Don't look so hard. Watch Sun Over Tuscany, it's a chick flick but very meaningful.

About 39-40 years ago (decades seem to run together at my age now) I had dated many handsome young men. One Italian actually sang to me under my bedroom window............(no go he was a womanizer).

I had a very bad family situation so when my friends (this was back in the early 70's) asked me to move into their commune (I had my own separate bedroom) I jumped at the chance.

Well, our mutual friend helped us move our furniture into our apartment.

At 3:00 AM The little Italian owner in his broken english said he was quite tired and could he please close up shop..........he also predicted that this young man and I would marry, have many bombinos and live happily ever after, it was plain to him we were meant for each other.

I didn't look for love. I had given up all hope. But cupid's arrow found my heart 38 years ago, three sons, five dogs, one grand daughter, three houses, one gall bladder, one open heart surgery and countless other adventures ago.

Don't look for love, it will find you.

No, our life isn't perfect. He is not the most romantic person, never sang to me under my bedroom window...........I'm no beauty queen, but when I least expected it, I found a true, everlasting love.

I love the story, people were so much more beautiful back then in my opinion, the fashion, the look, I love it. This tells me that I have to fulfill some personal destiny before I am able to have love in my life. But I see it without looking.

Originally posted by sinohptik

Originally posted by rom12345
"Be the change you wan't to see in the world" - Ghandi

Indeed..

There is no way to "make" the world care, greyer. The way we do that is to choose to care ourselves. When we do that, others can see it in our actions and perhaps make the same decision for themselves. In the end, it is up to us as individuals to be the change we wish to see. Because if it doesnt start where we can "control," (ourselves) then we will never see it happen.

This is an extraordinarily pertinent topic for myself right now too, an interesting coincidence.

Keep doing your best. Its constant, but there truly are others who are standing alongside you even if not directly seen.

You may or may not find that love and companionship, but you can still make the decision to Love and care for others.

But when I make the decision to bring the world what was taught to me, which is what I will do, the more we give the more we don't have. But when you have companionship the more you give the more you do have. I understand now that after going over the information I need to teach the world what care is because they won't know it unless. It's still a miracle of life and understanding no matter which way it goes so I do feel the meaning.

Originally posted by xEphon
I'll be honest greyer but a lot of the reasons that you used for a woman to care about you: muscles, money, your smile, are totally superficial. If you expect anyone to care for you based on those attributes it's no wonder you're being let down so much.

My advice to you is to stop caring whether they care or not.
Seriously.
I'm not saying be selfish. I'm saying that you should have the attitude that you don't need their approval.
And I say this for a good reason. If you have this attitude around women you just met, you will come off as needy and no woman likes a needy man.

Until you're actually in a relationship the question of whether they care for you shouldn't even come up.

To stop caring would be going from enlightenment to egotism, the reverse direction for spiritual and mental progression in my life. I can see with my eyes that all attractive girls do not have fat boyfriends, so I am speaking on general truths that a girl would pick a person in shape over a person out of shape. I am saying to be selfish because it is our life to live free and not under religious or government control. I am saying to be selfish about what happens to be the greatest miracle of life and urging that it is not to be missed. I do take your advice on the attitude of not needing approval, it is just another reverse psychology game men have to play because of an egotistical defense mechanism women have, but rejection has been imprinted in my soul so boldy that I choose not to play anymore. It just confirms that being real does not work in the world which is something I can't go against. However if I do work I will work smarter and not as hard, because what lead me to writing this thread was working harder and not smarter.

reply to post by ofhumandescent

Watch Sun Over Tuscany, it's a chick flick but very meaningful.

WORST ADVICE EVER. I don't care how much meaning there is in a chick flick they all deal in fantasy. That is the entire point, like star wars or LOTR you get to escape to another world. That is fine but if you acted like people in chick flicks/romantic comedies you would have a list of restraining orders as long as my arm.

Add to that that they never show you what relationships are like past the honeymoon period and you have a recipe for absolute disaster.

My only advice would be to take everything that is good/bad/wierd about yourself and cover it in a layer of platinum. Make the good shine through, honestly try to put an effort into fixing the bad and always stand proudly behind the weird.

reply to post by FEDec


So, what movies are significant to you?

What books have you read lately that have affected you?

And how long have you been married?

I only brought to the table my own experiences and in the line of love, in my 58 years of life, I've had a pretty good track record.

Have you seen the movie I recommended?

If not, don't cut it down.

If you have, it's not a fantasy...............some of us do live happily ever after, after great heartache.

I was trying to offer hope.

I think this attitude you speak of is most prevalent in women in their early to mid twenties. After that I would say this fades with time. I agree with an earlier poster, try a different demographic

Your right I have to admit, it is very wierd to see what beings girls grow up into by their 20s. They are full of spite and hate towards guys, I wouldn't have thought that was going to be the general nature of a attractive young female adult. The only way you can get into their mental approval of you is through material things.

Moving to this place seems to be an event meant for me, being that I moved here for a job that fit me. It would be very nice to have it change from hell into heaven, but I feel trapped and that I will never have love, but always have unrequitted love, like a rabbit seeing a carrot on a string, and surely they love to tease and sting me. So I will go into the music business in my 30s, mostly pushing out all the hurt that has been with me for the last 8 years.

When I am speaking this generally I am saying guys can be horrible to from a girls point of view, so I'm not talking down on the sexes and the loving potential that all of us have.

reply to post by ofhumandescent


I think what FEDec should have said is that not every movie turns out the same in real life.

Some do of course like your tale (and congrats on that, you got what you deserved and I couldn't be happier for you and yours for finding that perfect harmony and true love) but even women's advice columns say not to buy too much into those movies.

Only use the chick flick idea once you have a woman to watch it with and don't act like an ass about it. I hate them myself but if I was dating a woman who liked them, I'd watch and be totally eager about doing so because whether the movie sucks or not, it's time spent together as a couple.

What greyer mistakenly said in a follow up post was something about "love makes you feel better".

No. Stop right there.

Love shouldn't make you feel better when you're upset, being with someone because they make you less depressed is a sign that maybe it's not all peaches and cream.

You should be with someone because you enjoy their company and because there just aren't enough hours in the day to enjoy life together as a pair. Even then, it isn't love making you feel better, it's the thought that you're enjoying time with someone you like similar to how friends hanging out can make you feel better too.

The best advice is to try and drop the self esteem issues too. I have them, everyone has them to a degree but don't let on that you do. Wear a metaphorical mask if you have to so that you're still being yourself but acting like you're the most confident person you can be.

Not too much to be arrogant but enough to be able to start and hold conversations even if they're about the chairs at a bar or the weather. Think of someone you'd like to emulate personality wise and just picture yourself being able to speak with their confident manner.

Best I can say because I'm still learning all this myself but hopefully I haven't given you any horrible advice.

Eye contact.

ItS allll about eye contact. Went from night to day once I learned that one..

reply to post by greyer

There is absolutely nothing I can do for a girl that will make her care about me

Maybe you're trying to impress the wrong type of girl.

If you are looking for that Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, or Cameron Diaz............you're looking for disappointment.

Also the face of women has changed.

Here I am at 58, I'm no spring chicken, I'm starting to sag, hang, bag and droop in places I didn't even know exist and yet the guy that cuts our law, our mail man, the grocery bag boy (all very young men) have commented that they wish they could find a girl like me?????

A lot of young men, including two of my three sons say that they just don't make em like they use to. many of today's woman (not all) are selfish, cruel, mean, heartless and not willing to put time and patience into making a relationship work.

I read an article years back about China and their one child per couple policy..........how it's affected them psychologically. It's called the one child spoiled complex and taking this concept and applying it to like our movies and TV shows here in America, where it's cool or chic to be mean, cruel, brash and rude.

Whatever happened to manners?

And ................maybe just maybe you're passing up that quiet, shy girl that isn't exactly a beauty queen and going after the women that are use to getting everything their way..............the spoiled princesses.

People are raising their children differently now.

If you read any of my previous posts I am a advocate for animals and children, and yet while at a family function, about 18 years back, my sister in law and I were having a conversation and one of her young daughters came up and rudely interrupted us. My sister in law's reaction was to turn away from me and our conversation that was so rudely interrrupted and pay full attention to her daughter, (it was not an emergency, simply a very unimportant interruption).

Back 30 years ago, when I was a child, if two adults were talking, I was raised to not interrupt unless something important, like the house was on fire.

If two people are talking and a third comes up and simply breaks in that was considered rude..............if a child did it, the child was told, "it's considered rude to interrupt a conversation"................whatever happened to teaching our young manners and respect for others?

We are raising our children, who are now young adults to be spoiled.

Almost 50% of all children do not live in a two parent household, so they don't see how two people work out differences on a day by day basis. They don't see COMPROMISING in action.

Sometimes you get what you want but sometimes ya gotta let the other guy win too.

And again, maybe it's the way our society has become and or maybe you're just not choosing the right type of girl.

Remember, beauty is only skin deep - you can always go to a plastic surgeon and fix physical features.............you can't change a person's inner ugliness.

Not always, but many times I have found that when one is really physically beautiful by our society's standards, they are given special attention and allowed to get away with being pouty, spoiled, mean, etc............

While I am all for women's lib, people need to really get back to cultivating manners and learning to think of others vs me, me, me..........which Hollywood is hyping.

Look at your celebrities - most of them don't stay married and yet they have all this money, fame, fortune and beauty................they're spoiled.

Than again some social scientists are saying that in another 100 years marriage may not even exist.

Another avenue to explore psychologically is that corporations want workers.............workers that tend to be married to their jobs are more productive and create more profit for the big boys.

With the ever increasing stress of work and trying to make ends meet - it's become harder for people to have enough time and emotional energy to work things out.

And that's the way TPTB want it.................united we stand, divided we fall. The strongest human unit is the family and corporations, the people with the real power know this and have been (I suspect) working at not only dumbing us down, distracting us but also dividing us, including the male/female/family.

Just some thoughts thrown out there.

I could be wrong, misguided, I admit I don't know much - but that's the way I see things right now.

In short..........how do you get the world to care?

When people begin raising their children to be service to others vs service to self type of people..........that is the key.