I need advice on a complex situation.

This is how I see it. You have been beat down and unhappy for far too long. You need to work through and get passed your years of unhappiness, and if this new woman can bring out feelings you thought you'd never feel again, and help you to regain a healthy mental state, then why not?

Since she is in a similar situation, maybe the two of you could draw strength from each other? I would discuss it with her ahead of time that it's possible that the relationship won't pan out, and that maybe it will only be a stepping stone relationship, but you'd like to give it a try and see where things go. If you are honest and up front with her from the beginning, that would be a good start. If the two of you can make each other happy, even for a short time, I think it's worth it. Why sit back and watch life pass you by when you could be living it? Life is far too short to be so unhappy and it's time you had some happiness in your life.

reply to post by Gazrok


We are not married, and she wants me out. She doesn't care if I meet someone... as long as it doesn't cost her a cent, and that I don't bring anyone at home...

reply to post by virraszto


Thanks! Yes, I do need a bit of happiness, indeed!

But I would like this possible relationship to last forever, not just for a while...

As I said, she really is the embodiment of all that I could dream to find in a woman... And it is not some form of delusion from me. I've had time enough to get over the relationship with my kids mom. That is clear, though there are still tensions because she likes so much to fight...
I just go into my office when she's home and try not to get out too much. The less we see each other, the better it is. She just hates me so much... LOL

I think my mental state is OK. I'm as crazy as before... But a nice crazy, though! It's called romantic...

Wow, all that time and kids, and not married? Hope that doesn't throw a wrench into the whole custody thing...that can really get tricky if not married sometimes (many states default to the mother).

reply to post by Gazrok


We agreed to keep the kids one week for one, one for the other. I can't stand the idea of seeing them one week-end every two weeks, and frankly, after three whole days with the kids, she's had more than enough. I figure they will ask to come full time with me at some point.

As for stuff, I keep the car, my clothes, and my stuff in the office. She gets to keep everything else. She is insecure without money, and I don't care about it. I can get what I want when I decide to, so I'm not bothered about that.

What is great is that we don't have any debts, just money in the bank! And she can keep that too!

Other wise, I don't think she will cause me problems. The kids would never ever forgive her if she was to give me troubles after our separation. They already ask her to leave me alone!...

So those things don't bother me one bit.

PS: Yeah, almost 15 years, three kids and no wedding! But she told me early on that if she was to wed, she would argue with the priest about the part where you say you will love the other in sickness and poverty... I then knew the horse was dead before the start signal... LOL

reply to post by NowanKenubi


Best of luck to you...if you can keep the courts out of it, all the better, but if I were you, I'd still try and learn exactly what she COULD do if she wanted to...just so you could be prepared for it.

Here is my personal opinion.

Stay out of the court system and away from lawyers, if you can reason with each other.

Always take the higher road, the children no matter what age will see this and gravitate towards the adult that shows this quality and strength.

Do not disenfranchise the other parent, ever if you have nothing good to say......Do not Say Anything!

Do what's in the best interests of the children first, think of nothing else until that is ironed out.

Get a legal document drawn up, have a mutual lawyer that you both agree on look at it, get it notarized and sign and filed, so if any disagreements arise you can always point to the document.

Once your separated, focus all of the time that your children are not with you or when your working, on social activities and building your mental and physical health back up, in time you'll be standing tall and very little will be able to shake you. Your going to be OK.

Peace out and I completely understand your situation, if you need U2U me.

RT

reply to post by Gazrok


Thanks for the concern, but even if she is a bit of a crazy one, I have nothing to fear from her about that.

First, she would have to pay lawyers, and like them, she loves her money.
Second, the kids would never forgive her, period. They love her very much, but they stand up to her when she is wrong. As they do with me. And if she was to attack me, they would know it was for wrong reasons.

I'm leaving her the biggest part of our possessions, we have no debt... She would have a hard time proving I'm not a good father. In fact, even if she claims that I'm a horrible person, she recognizes that I'm a good father.
I'm like a magnet to kids. At school, many I don't know come to talk to me. Some that were bums became good persons and good students simply by talking with me through the fence, while I was picking up my kids...
My teenage daughter tells me her friends find me so cool!

It's one of the rare things on which I can safely sleep. And she told me she would never do something like that because she figures it would also impact negatively on the kids, and put her in a bad light...

Sometimes, others' egos can be your friends...

reply to post by Realtruth


About saying bad things about the other parent, when it happens to me, because she's spent the whole day harassing me, they understand. They don't like it, but even they understand one needs to vent at one time or the other.

But I ask them to forgive me when I swear after her... and I sit with them and tell her I know she has qualities, and ask them to remember those first, whatever happens. She IS their mother, there's no denying that.

Sadly, she has no form of restrictions about what she will tell me in front of them, and refuses to ask for forgiveness for doing so. She says she is rightful in her actions... she HAS to, as she says...

Lawyers... hmm... I'm not quite sure about that one, and neither is she. We can make a paper, and will ask for witnesses to sign it, but not a lawyer. When I was a kid, a friend couple of my parents divorced. They did the splitting of possessions together, prepared papers and when all was to their taste, they went to see lawyers to finalize everything. Under a month, both lawyers were siding with her, and menacing him to go to jail if he didn't comply with their accord. Both were devastated! He went to court and pleaded to the judge he had to give 85% of his pay! He was left with 115$ per month to pay rent, food, gas, etc.
The judge refused his case; it was as the law said, back then. He lived for a couple of years in a car until he could afford a place to rent...

Lawyers?... hmm... Not really sure, no...

Thanks for the hand!

reply to post by NowanKenubi


That's exactly why I throw that cautionary note out there.
Just because everything is fine now, doesn't mean it will always be like that, so just trying to say it may be a good idea to (quietly) cover your butt is all...

Just friendly advice.

reply to post by Gazrok


Understood sir! Will seriously think about it! Promise!

Thanks!

Originally posted by NowanKenubi
Lawyers?... hmm... Not really sure, no...

Thanks for the hand!

Probably the best choice, because when lawyers get involved they look at the assets, and once both lawyers have depleted all the funds, they tell the couple to settle things.

As long as you have a piece of paper that has witnesses, it follows basics common sense rules and you get it notarized with everyone present, you should be OK.

Again good luck to you and your children.

reply to post by Realtruth


SO very true. Once the Lawyers see how many assets there are, they will resolve to settle it quickly. Now, if the OP said he lived in a million dollar mansion, and had three Mercedes and 2 Rolls-Royce, well, it would drag on for a while. I can forecast a relatively easy settlement. No money, no buzzards to drag it out. EH?

Thanks to everyone that gave me an advice! I am thinking about it all, and there were many good things for me on which to think!

A big Thanks from the Heart!