I need advice on a complex situation.

reply to post by hotel1


I'm not supposed to meet her for some time, a few weeks. I wish it was closer in time, though.

Thanks for your time!

I feel for you, and admire your courage.

Life is too short for you to second guess yourself. You have already stated that there is no love in your current situation, and all the feelings of what you want from life in the new possibilities. Listen to your heart, take it day by day, do not rush anything, and have a LONG talk with the new person. Tell her completely how you feel.

You do not want to stay where you are. Sure, you'll pay CS, that's just the way it works, unless by some lucky stroke you can prove she is unfit as a mother. If you wanted to be really vindictive, hide a few tape recorders and record her verbal abuse, and in most states it's equivalent to physical abuse. You are not going through a divorce, just a custody/support agreement.

Your lady friend has nothing to worry about either. If they had been married for five years or more, she'll be entitled to half. Sure, he can fight it, but that is not how the courts work. Sure, she won't have her previous lifestyle, but if you guys find happiness together, you'll also discover that there are most important things in life than just material wealth. Love, trust, and hope are among those at the top of my list.

Sure, life is a journey. We can't see the future, just create it.

Quit pondering, and act. SnF.

reply to post by NowanKenubi

I'll admit it's hard not to rejoice over that... shhh

lol I know the feeling.

It's like you just want to explode and tell her in 3 seconds everything but you're holding it in, playing cool.
Just remember it's all part of the love story.
When you least expect it, something will happen.

Several separate issues here. First, being happily single is better than being miserably married. My wife and I split last year after 22 years. Things have never been better between us. We both know that if we are going to be a dick to each other, up yours, not talking to you. There's mutual respect there that hasn't been there for years because parameters have been set. We are actually the closest of friends now. Secondly, the kids shouldn't be used against each other. I've seen that and it's not good for them. If you can be happy with each other singly and not use the kids to hurt each other, THEY will be much happier as well. "Mom and Dad are getting along now." That's a win/win situation.

Now to this new woman. Neither of you are in a position now to begin a new relationship. You are both hurt. Both coming off long term relationships. One has to heal and become comfortable with ones self before embarking on a new relationship. You have nothing to offer each other now as neither of you even know what you are going to be in the months and years to come. Be friends for now. Nothing wrong with that but don't jump at each other because you haven't experienced intimacy for a long time. Work on yourselves. If there's something there it will be there later.

reply to post by Druid42


I think we are alike about material things. We are like "take everything, and don't call back."

Otherwise, it will be a long and fastidious, costly process that will leave everyone scarred. We have suffered enough I think, and see more what is truly important.

Thanks for the kind words! As for custody, as I said, I'm sure the kids would come live with me soon enough. Their mother puts them down like she does with me. When I discuss with our kids, she always comes to oppose me, or say they are not smart enough to understand what I'm saying...

I tried to help her, but she is too well in her pain. She loves to cry and act about it as if it was the best art form any living creature could witness. I remember one day; she was yelling, crying, we could barely understand what she was saying. The phone rings, picks it up and answers as if there was nothing.
I knew she was effectively giving us a show. Our daughter thought it, too.

reply to post by intrepid


Yes, I wish my ex wouldn't use the kids to hurt me. She's just pushing them away from her. When they don't want to listen to her, I side with her, and ask the kids to be cool about it. She acts the opposite way when the kids don't want to do what I ask them. She tells them I'm trying to make slaves of them so I can be lazy...

Unfortunately, we will never become friends once we are separated. She despises me so much! And there's nothing I can do about it...

As for not being ready, well, I hear you. I know I don't want to rush things, and don't want this to be a week-end thing.
She really has everything I could desire in a woman. To say I'm flabbergasted is an understatement!

I don't feel like I need to save her, my hormones are not really driving me here either; I've come to manage a life without intimacy. It is something as I never felt before.

I've spent the last five minutes trying to write how I feel... but just can't put the thing into words that seem proper to me...

reply to post by NowanKenubi
Firstly i am not qualified to advise you in a legal capacity because iam not familiar with US family law. Based on what you have posted so far you seem to be a grounded, and well adjusted individual; the mother of your children is not. She clearly has a major inferiorty complex that will not improve without some form of medical intervention. You are exactlly right to be concerned for your children because(not that i am trying to alarm you) there is a very good chance your childrens mothers behaviour will escalate, so keep a very close eye on what she says, and does. Regarding the other lady you have nothing to lose, and great deal to gain by pursuing the relationship, but go slowly at first. By this I mean make sure you dont make her feel as though she is being rushed, or pressurised remember she has been hurt too. Take the lead by arranging pleasurable things that you can do together, such as driving her to resturaunts/cinema/days out etc. As things progress you your brain, and all your senses to take her on the ride of her lifetime by your side, and live every day together with all your heart. Show her everyday that you are the strong man she needs, and deserves. Do this by keeping in shape, dressing smartly and being good at your chosen profession, i promise you this lady will repay tenfold, and more.

I sincerely hope this is of some help to you, and if you feel that I can ever help in anyway you know where to find me
Kind regards
h1

Originally posted by NowanKenubi
I've spent the last five minutes trying to write how I feel... but just can't put the thing into words that seem proper to me...

That the point my friend. You've got a lot of work to do on yourself. Give yourself the time to do it.

reply to post by hotel1


Oh, I do keep a good eye on my kids, don't worry. I would be surprised if she was physically violent with them. She does say she loves them much, but when they are asleep... She's mostly abusive with words, but as another poster said, it's considered as bad as physical violence.

She says I deserve what she's doing to me. I told her wife-beaters used that excuse, and she replied that SHE was justified... ...

Thanks for your time and answer!

reply to post by intrepid


Thanks for not bursting my bubble to harshly!

You voice some concerns I have. That is why I decided to ask for some advices. But it's been a long 48 hours before I did. I rarely talk openly about myself.

I know she pleases me much. I feel like I am pleasing to her. I want what's best for her. I've been in the desert for so long, though, I wouldn't want to be perceived as a preying bird.

But I also know she needs time, though she's been thinking of leaving him for quite some time now.

As for me, I'm already gone, if only in my head.

As for my apparent inability to state clearly what I feel may be due from some stop I put on myself. Until recently, I was certain to remain single for a long time. But not anymore.

One thing's for sure, I care a lot about her. I love her personality, as well as her strengths or her weaknesses...

As I said at the end of the OP, I feel love growing inside me. And that feeling is unlike what I felt before for anyone. It's as nice as perplexing...

I'm leaving for now. Thanks everyone!

I'll keep you informed, one way or another. Bye!

reply to post by NowanKenubi


Hey dude, I think what you should do is let the entire situation air out for a bit, especially on her side. If you think you are falling in love and it not deeply out of infatuation, you should really think it through if you are going to end it with your current spouse. If your spouse is very mean to you, then maybe you should not be together. Have you ever looked at why your spouse is mean to you though? Every story has two sides, you should definitely have a talk with your wife about everything. I hope this helps. Do not jump into anything yet, us men tend to make foolish decisions without even thinking about the repercussions about a lot of things.

reply to post by Unvarnished


Hi there!

I know, there is always two sides to a story.

Believe me, I got angry at being hit and yelled at for no reasons. If her glass is empty, she'll cry that she is thirsty. If you fill her glass, she'll cry that she may spill it all and become thirsty... Half? Not enough, not an option...

There was an article in the newspaper with a test to find if you were manipulative or not. She had 17 points out of 20... The test was from a psychiatrist. The following articles were about what women were doing wrong in their relationships with men. It felt as if he had written it for her... After that, she never read him again...

I've been over her for a long time now. And she despises me since her first day of pregnancy,so... She hates me for having remained with her. She loves to cry and to be sad. It makes her happy, kind of... And she gets angry when I laugh...

As for the other woman, I knew she pleased me but she was out of reach since she was married. She was a no-no.

Strangely enough, I prayed a few weeks ago and asked the Lord to give me a sign if I was to have another woman in my life, someday. Soon after that, she tells me she left her husband for good...

Another poster talked about synchronicity. It felt like that.

So I decided to ask for advices here since I have no one around me who could counsel me...

I don't let expectations overwhelm me. I've enough mileage to know the game...

And talking about it as calmed me a bit... I feel almost like a fool, this morning, for having brought this up...

Yeah... The more I think about it, the more I feel stupid... ... I should probably forget the whole thing.

Nnaah...

reply to post by Unvarnished


By the way, no, there's no infatuation involved here. When i first met her, to years ago, I was struck. As I got to know her, I was charmed. But it stopped there.

The news she gave me changed my view on things, as everything I know of her pleases me. Very much, and in a positive way. I'm not spending my time imagining fantasy stories about us.

But she pleases me, and our interactions have always been pleasant, joyful. And the weeks prior to her announcement, when our meetings were over, she had a way of touching my shoulder... I had the impression she restrained from something she wanted to show me.
Now, when I think about it, I think she was trying to open up to me about her situation. Her touch felt as if she was needing to be comforted. I was intrigued, but didn't say anything at the time.

Now, if women here can give their interpretations, that would be much appreciated. In a situation similar to the one described by the woman I know, what are the meanings of her opening up to me?
As I said, I don't want to profit from her emotional state. But if she opens up to me, I want to be there, of course. I consider her a friend! And a good one. That's the least I can do.

But, was her touching me meaning more than simply opening up to me? ...

While it is true that both of you need time and space to fully move on from your past relationships (I'm assuming you have decided to end yours) it is also true that life is short. Balancing that idea can keep you up at night, if you are given to philosophy, no?

I'm not given to analyzing other relationships too deeply, given there is no way for anyone to really know its depth, but from my perspective, both of you appear to have needs that haven't been met in a long time and are discovering that not only are those needs still important to you, but that there may actually be someone out there who can meet them. That a fulfilling relationship can be had. It seems that this re-emergence of feelings that you have both felt in the past, brings some kind of hope for the future.

This is a good thing! It means that you are human, you are alive, the heart and soul are not dead. Embrace that idea. I really believe that (as others have said) you both must be free of the past, before moving forward together becomes an option. You both are vulnerable right now and seeking intimacy and understanding from someone you connect with is normal, but creating tangles while you are both tied to others is begging for complications that need not be and might not be overcome down the road.

I'm not suggesting you should walk away from her, but I am suggesting that maintaining a connection with her should not be at the expense of focusing on yourself and your need to move on. You need to extract yourself from the spiderweb that is your current situation with your wife, find out who you are and really understand what you want for your life and start working towards that. Once you are standing on your own feet, you are more available for a partner. She needs to do the same. You can do this without giving up your friendship, but you must look deep, ask yourself (and answer honestly) if you are in a place (right now) to give physically, emotionally, etc. to a new relationship. You must also consider whether she is. Time can be both friend and foe in this situation.

reply to post by vintagelace


Thanks and welcome to ATS!

I know full well what you mean. And yes, there is no hope for a couple between the mother of my children and me anymore, and that's been so for a long time, now.

And I can safely say that the other woman really shows everything I desire in a partner. I know she is not ready yet...

My needs? LOL They haven't been fulfilled for quite a long time, now!

My next year is already booked. I know I will leave at the end of next summer, to live by my own, taking care of the kids a week out of two. Things are very clear on my side.

So I know I don't need to rush anything, but wish I could...

Originally posted by NowanKenubi

So I know I don't need to rush anything, but wish I could...

They say that things happen when you least expect it, right?

For whatever advice others have to give, you are the only one who knows what's right, for you.
There are no rules man, go with your gut.

reply to post by NowanKenubi


I'm purposefully replying first without reading any other followups, as I want to be sure to give an unbiased reply here.

You need to break this down simply.

1) You are not happy

2) Your wife is not happy

3) Staying together for the kids is NOT productive, unless you are both fairly happy. They WILL pick up on what is happening, and they will learn all of what they know of relationships from watching you and your wife have an unhappy marriage. This is NOT for the best, you're fooling yourself if you think so. They aren't stupid.

4) Seems you and this other gal are in a similar place, and nobody is saying you have to be a pair mated for life immediately.

However, to me, sounds like you need to discuss with the wife on how to dissolve the marriage that both of you are only enduring, not enjoying. (visitation, assets, etc.) and that both of you need to move on to healthier and happier relationships, that will provide much better examples for your children.

Your real big mistakes were having more kids while in an unhappy marriage, but no use crying over spilt milk at this point. No doubt you've already concluded that years ago.

Good luck man...whether with the new gal or not, you need to get out of that toxic relationship, and get your kids out of that toxic environment.

reply to post by Gazrok


Thanks for the answer! ( Sorry for the time it took to answer... as I was to post, I hit a key that removed its entirety... )

Ok, to answer your points, rest assured, the date of my moving out has already been decided. We wanted to wait for the last one to enter school. We didn't want our children to be raised by strangers, so one of us stayed at home, mostly me. Despite our problems, the kids were never denied anything, without being treated as kings and queens.

When we decided to have more children, knowing full well there was no more love between us, it was not based on an emotional delusion as in hoping it would heal our couple... We made a decision based on facts. Here they are.

A) We didn't want our daughter to be a lone child as we knew more than a few, and they were sad to be alone.
B) We didn't want her to have half-brothers and half-sisters. Even if partially blood related, around us we saw they were not as close as real bros and sis.
C) Our daughter was asking for a bro or sis...
D) Our genetics WERE compatible. Without bragging, our children are very good looking, talented, and intelligent. The second one is a pure genius, seriously! And they are generally in a better health than their friends. ( Tho last year has been hard for the second one, now all is well. )

So we had a second child based rationally on these points. The third one is kind of an accident that happened while we decide to make it work between us one last time. Her pregnancy killed everything between us. Strangely, she is convinced I impregnated her by some form of trick... Whatever she may mean... LOL

So, even before ever meeting this other woman, our couple was long buried. And when I met that other woman, I was thinking more in the lines of remaining single for quite a while.

But she struck me, and not just with her looks. I said in the OP how I felt about her from the beginning. We got along very fine right away. But for me, then, it was only a passing thought as she was married.
But I came to appreciate the times we spent together, even if they were brief ones.

I know now is not the time to make a declaration of any kind... But that is why I asked... To receive some good counseling, and to refrain myself from doing a faux pas of some sort.

So, it is clear that my ex and me are over. From what the other woman told me, it is certain she will never go back with her husband. She touched me in a different way with her hands prior to telling me about her situation, and she did confide in me spontaneously. We get along very fine. She knows my kids and loves them very much, and they her.
She has been more than nice to me and the kids, more than she had to. She always think of a small gifts for them... It's crazy, but she IS everything I desire in a woman. In two years, not once did I see something bothering to me emanating from her...

I'm not suppose to see her before another two weeks, but I wish it was sooner... ***sigh!***

PS: I remember making a joke once about her finding me to her taste, following something she said and she laughed heartily at the joke. And blushed much...

Just don't let the new relationship burn you in any kind of deciding factors (such as visitation or assets). If she can claim the appearance of infidelity, for example, depending on your state, you could be out a lot more...so consider that one.