I need advice on a complex situation.

Thanks for taking the time to help me with this.

I'll first tell you about my situation, and then what is happening at the moment, in my life.

I've lived with the mother of my kids for the last 14 years or so. We have been together this long because of our children, not because there is love between us.
Sadly, she never loved me, and I still wonder why she ever got out with me in the first place...

So, at the beginning of our relationship, everything was cool but then, she became pregnant. Her first reaction was to be aborted, but changed her mind a bit later. I told her I would support her decision, though an abortion was kind of repulsive to me. It was her body and her life, I said.

But as soon as she became pregnant, she became mean, violent with her words, and always repulsing me with disdain. I thought it was an hormone thing and endured the abuse as best I could.
For her to get a good laugh, she had to put me down in private as well as in public. Even after our first child was born, she was walking a good 12 feet in front of us, always.

To her, I was a mess of a human being, and I needed to be saved. Nothing I did was good enough for her. Never.
As she said, she wanted to be served like a princess, but not act with me like I was a prince... She even told me she would debate with the priest about the part of staying together when things go wrong, if a wedding was to occur...

The only thing we could almost agree on, is our child, and the love and attention we would give her.

Knowing we wouldn't stay together for our entire lives, we agreed to make another child. One thing we didn't want was for our daughter to be a lone child, or one with multiple half-brothers and half-sisters.
So a second child was born. The love for the kids was there, but things got worse between us. She was acting in a more violent way towards me, and began to bring the worst in me to the front.

There is that many blows one can endure without replying. So I began to argue solidly with her, when she decided she needed to ride on my back. We consulted, she asked for it. I went, but ultimately, the only thing she did was complain about me, hoping for the consultant to wholly side with her. She completely refused to participate in anything proposed to bring us closer. Then, fate struck, and for a rare moment of intimacy we allowed ourselves together, she became pregnant again... She then began to hate me. In every sense of the word. She has no more restrictions in what she will tell me, and in what situation she will do it.

We agreed to give all our kids the same chance and agreed to keep on living together until the last one goes to school. Why?, because we decided that one of us would stay home to take care of the kids. We didn't want them to be raised by strangers. This time, I'm the one staying at home.

And soon the last one will go to school. In fact, I am scheduled to leave next year.

In short, this is my background. She was so mean to me all of those years that she made me lose confidence in women, overall. I was ready to spend the rest of my life alone, free of the problems a coupled life brings.
And as much as I love sex ( which you can imagine, despite our three kids, to have been non-existent. ), I was ready to forget that part, too. She was that mean, I tell you. She was so mean I didn't even want to jump the fence for reliefs.

---------

My problem...

Thanks again if you made it this far!

A little bit more than two years ago, I met a woman, for a professional reason. When I first saw her, I was struck by her beauty. When she spoke I heard music. Her laughter was like angels' wings flipping softly... She showed strength, compassion, understanding, brief, I felt like I was standing in front of the woman of my dreams. My soul mate, if you prefer.
But she is married, and have a child of her own... She looks happy and all. Her life is successful, and owns her own business, and she is very talented, even gifted, at what she does.

I brushed everything aside. I wasn't about to destroy a relationship for my own pleasure, or try to. And to be frank, our regular, but spaced professional meetings became a rare moment of peace in my life. It was for me like a breath of fresh air. My secret garden moment. She is the reason I didn't lose completely fate in women.

A few months ago, every time I was about to leave, after our meetings, she touched my shoulders with her hands. But her touch had something.
I felt she wanted something, but restrained from anything. Her hand felt hesitant in what she wanted to demonstrate. I made as if nothing happened.

I want to say here that I never even tried to flirt with her over all this time, nor did she. I may have made one or two remarks, but it was made as a joke and she always laughed heartily at it. We laugh a lot when we meet. I had the impression she also found our meetings pleasant. And dreamed she would find me pleasant, but in the very distant far regions of my mind.

A few weeks ago, her secretary calls me to report a scheduled meeting we had as she needed to take a vacation. It's true she looked tired the last time I had seen her.
The Sunday before we met, after her vacation, she calls me at home to reset the time of our meeting. And she tells me she had to move so it was no real vacations. In the far regions of my mind, it said: "she's getting divorced..."

When we met, last week, she effectively told me she decided to leave her husband, who was abusive and mean to her, pretty much in the same way my ex was, and still is, to me. We met two times that week. The second time, she cried. Heck, even her crying was touching to me, and I hate crying.

She is now almost poor and has to build her life from scratch. Just like me.

But I guess you can see my problem.

She met my kids on a few occasions, and she has always been ultra nice to them, and they like her a lot.

My heart has had a few pleasant beats, since last week. In a way I was resigned to never feel again.

I would like to have advices from the good people from here. How should I deal with this situation?

I really don't want to lose her in any ways. I really would like for a "us" to be. But I don't want to come as profiting from her current emotional state. And yet, it is clear we both need tenderness at the moment. But I may also be imagining things out of despair. I don't know what to do anymore...



Man, I think I'm falling in love... help me?

( I need to leave for a moment. I will be back and read your comments later this afternoon. Thanks in advance. )

Have you told her about your situation? I am not clear on that...if not....I think you should. My advice....keep developing a good friendship with her.....then after you leave the current relationship you are in....and move on....maybe then you will feel right about taking your friendship with her to the next level...of romance and courting.

reply to post by caladonea


I had the "chance" of telling her this week. I had no intention to do so, but the discussion we had kind of brought it up.

Thanks.

EDIT: I'll add that she opened up about her situation spontaneously.

Man, I think I'm falling in love

And that's it right there. I just read your whole post and the end result is you're in love
Which is always a good feeling.
I'm sorry about your relationship but it's best if you move on and look at synchronicity playing a major role, you meet someone just like you.

It was meant to be. Go for it, take life mate dont wait.

reply to post by NowanKenubi


If you love her and want to try and make a life with her.

Then tell her how you feel! If she has similiar feelings then bobs your uncle.

Move on!! Your kids are still your kids!

PS: I know how you feel! Similiar problem.

reply to post by NowanKenubi


I say share your feelings,something wonderful may come from it.

Well first off your confused because your hormones are working again. And you need to stop dead in your tracks.

There is a divorce rule to avoid making the same or different mistakes in a never ending cycle. That is both parties need to have been single with the papers signed final by a judge as the start date for a minimum of two years.

I know that doesnt fit in with your plans. But its true.

You havent even been hit with child support yet. You may be eating ramen noodles for the next 15 years. And unfortunately no matter what you make its a judge ordered percentage. Your in much worse shape than you can even imagine and i strongly suggest you set that bird free. Or remain non intimate friends.


Last you better be asking other people every single day which lawyer they used and find one who can get the job done without dragging you through court for the next 5 years.

Cheaper to keep her and remain a creeper is a lot more real than you know.

reply to post by NowanKenubi


Firstly, may I say that I am really very sorry for all the pain and suffering you have allowed yourself to be put through. You do understand that you have a responsibility in it, as we are in complete control of shaping our future. Nevertheless, this is absolutely not meant to be a harsh statement and I want to emphasise that I am really sorry you had to go through so much pain, humiliation and emotional abuse. You have been extremely strong and that strength will serve you well.

Please remember that for children it goes without saying that 1 single (happy) parent at a time is far better than 2 unhappy parents together. Always. Without exception. I am a nursery school teacher, understand children deeply and love working with them.

This sounds to me like destiny has finally found you and I would urge you not to let this person slip through your fingers. Perhaps letting her know that you would like to give her space to heal, to become grounded in herself again but that you would really like to get to know her better. Men are sometimes scared to share their feelings but I think in this case you may have the strength to let her know that you KNOW she is special. I love what you love in her. You have learnt how to really see a person for their real value. This is very precious to woman, when a man can see beyond the physical.

All I can say to you is, GO FOR IT!
The sky is NOT the limit, together you can go so much further.
Good luck and let us know.

I say when your out and she's out, give it some more time and then things might work out for you two. Relationships are difficult I see problems in relationships all the time. My ex-girlfriend was similar with your womans attitude. Negative, sour and shady most of the time. I've been on my own for 6 years now.
PRAY or if you don't want to pray get advice like you are doing now. Peace.

reply to post by Dr Cosma


Yes, there is this feeling of synchronicity... I should add that I met her on a few occasions outside our business meetings, and she was the one to stop her car and talk to me.

But I don't want to hurt her, and be hurt also.

reply to post by RP2SticksOfDynamite


Sorry for you if you have similar problems...

But I don't want to take advantage of her current state, as I said. It's complex...

reply to post by daikaiju


When is kind of my problem... or if I can or should at all...

reply to post by NowanKenubi

Sorry to hear that your relationship isn't all it could have been. Unfortunately things like this happen. But anyway, to the meat-replacement products and potatoes.

It sounds as if both you and this "other woman" are now kinda in the same place. If you KNOW that your current relationship is nothing of any value and a negative influence in your life, stop it. My folks spent many unhappy years married to each other. I can remember going to bed as a very young child and falling asleep to the sound of their arguments coming up through the floor. A most unpleasant memory.

There is no help for falling in love. Its a complex blend of luck, chance, insanity, hormones, and possibly other body chemicals. You have 2 choices. Pursue or ignore. From the way you are talking about this woman I would think it will be option number one. Good luck in any case.

Like a previous poster noted, your children will always be yours although it will take much time for them to adjust. Children tend to blame their parents breaking up on themselves. I have no idea why but I went through the same phase. Unfortunately enough, thinking of the children and staying in a broken relationship is also not much fun for all involved. I always hoped I would be strong enough to avoid that situation but when push came to shove, I was the coward and let my partner be the one to instigate "The End". No children here to worry about though.

Whatever you decide to do I would urge you to continue having much and regular contact with your children and tell them how much you love them. It does help. (IMHO)

Good luck!

reply to post by Shadowalker


Yeah... Damn hormones... I really thought I was done with them... Apparently not!

As for each marital situations, I am not married, and we agreed that we would share the time for our kids.

My ex would be in great difficulty to keep them for two weeks and I don't want to see them one lousy week-end every two weeks. I figure they will be full time with me soon enough as she is aggressive towards the kids, also.

Her story is different. Her husband is bent on taking everything from her. Shed had to leave with only a few clothes.

I'd rather eat noodles with her for the rest of my life than be rich and not with her... That's how I feel.

reply to post by NowanKenubi

But I don't want to hurt her, and be hurt also.

Of course not. Just let it roll, go with the flow as they say and dont hold back your feelings.
But do it gently, you know yourself if you see any signs that she might like you in that way, it's on.
You're both going through the same situation and if you have a good friend relationship and are close, you'll only get even closer, plus you said it yourself you're in love! So really that's it. It's hard to stop a man when he's in love hehe.
She will get over her other half in the end and it was the best thing she could have done since he was abusive.
When she does, you should be there.

It should be a beutiful thing.
I really hope it works out mate.

reply to post by UnlimitedSky


I know I am partly responsible for my sufferings. I endured for my children. It was not always easy, far from it, but I never regretted for one moment having to suffer for them.

I thank God everyday for them, they are so wonderful, especially since we are constantly tensed, as parents, and feel partly irresponsible, at times...

reply to post by PunchingBag80


I'm ready to wait for her, that's not a problem, considering I was ready to bury any hopes of having a fine relationship before my time is up...

Still, I am human.

reply to post by NowanKenubi
Hey fella ive now read your post twice, iam gonna have to give this some thought but i will try to come up with something for you. Mean time take a chill pill go have a beer/listen to some music whatever. I want to help help you, and I will but I need a bit of time. Please dont take any steps just yet, I will get back to you.

reply to post by LightSpeedDriver


Thanks.

Don't worry about the kids. They know her and they appreciate each other very much. I opened up a bit about the situation to my older daughter, and she said she would be proud to see us together.
She has trouble standing her mother's actions as it is. She's been a witness of the aggressions I had to endure and sadly, it makes tensions between her and her mother. But their mom says the plan voluntarily to make her suffer... Very sad...

I don't anticipate any problems with the kids, aside from being sad of us not being always together anymore.

I love them much, and they love me too. We always have lots of fun and learn new things together. As soon as their mom gets home, it becomes all doom and gloom, kids yell and fight, etc.

They have trouble sleeping when she is with them, but not me. But she says it is because they lose consciousness from boredom of being with me... LOL

Everything is a weapon in her hand...

reply to post by Dr Cosma


About her husband, she's definitely over him. The way he has acted, and is reacting now, has killed any chance for him to see her come back, ever.

I'll admit it's hard not to rejoice over that... shhh...

I pray something great comes of it, but remain calm about it. Aahhh...