posted on Oct, 20 2011 @ 05:41 PM
A big issue of mine is that I'm way too much of an idealist. I always dream about how things could work better. I just can't accept the way things
are in the world, they're too messed up. But I run into major issues in my life because of that inability to accept things. Cognitive Dissonance has
become my best friend as I hold conflicting views about life. My head is extremely logical, and logically pushes the cookie cutter "American Dream".
Yet, my heart has no interest in that and just wants to be happy. My heart wants to form bonds with people, love, and just be happy (I said that twice
to stress the importance). In a way, my life is like a continued struggle between my head and my heart.
Life is truly about perception. The world is in the eyes of the beholder in that every person has a uniquely true view of the world. This creates a
situation where every person is correct and wrong in their assessment of the world. Right from their own perspective, yet wrong in an absolute sense
in that there is no "correct" or "incorrect" point of view. For the past 2 years, I've made it a point to have a positive perception of the
world. Trying to see the best out of everything, and seeing the world in the highest possible light. I believed that societal change for the better
was right around the corner. Well, in the past few months, that view has totally fallen apart for me. No significant change has occurred, the world
still sucks, and no significant change seems around the corner. Sure the Occupy Wall Street thing seems great, but what's stopping it from going the
way of The Tea Party protests, where they just died down? I'm not trying to be cynical, I've just gotten my hopes up so many times only to be let
down.
Sometimes I wonder if there might be something seriously wrong with me because I have no desire to work. I struggle with accepting organized 9-5 jobs
because I'm very much a free spirit. My attention span changes on a whim and I don't enjoy being tied down. In my idealist eyes, the ideal situation
would be one in which a person does not have to work in order to survive, eat, drink, etc., but could work to contribute to society. In other words,
where housing and basic necessities were free but people all worked to improve the world. The Zeitgeist model of reality, if you will.
I'm on antidepressants just because my emotions became too much and I spent my days just miserable. But they address the symptoms rather than the
cause and while I can't actively feel, I still feel down, if that makes any sense. Instead of feeling sad, I feel a tinge of sadness, combined with a
whole lot of apathy. That's exactly what I feel right now.
I'm going to a local community college for 2 years because my family cannot afford 4 years of a university. I'll probably transfer after 2 years and
might have to take out a student loan. I don't like to judge people, but I'm going to be blunt. At the school, there's a diverse group of people,
but many people with multiple piercings, mental issues, self-esteem issues, academic issues, etc. The people who are like me, going there to save
money as a sole reason, are few and far between. As a result, I have a hard time relating to many of the people who go there.
The two things that are most important to me, a social life and relationships, are nonexistent. I'm not going to lie, my high school experience
sucked for the most part. But in my last year, I finally found a group of friends that I "clicked" with. Since I'm staying local, I still see them
occasionally, but miss not being able to see them every day. I'm trying to find friends I "click" with in college. But, people go to their classes,
then leave. Very rarely do people stick around. I make an effort to talk to people who do stick around, but have yet to find any friends that I really
"click" with, like in my last year of HS. I have people I'm friendly with, through a sport, but just don't "click" with them.
As far as the ladies department, it's not empty but is severely lacking. I'm extremely picky, and settle for no less than who I truly want. My
standards are high, but not ridiculously high. I have to be attracted to her, she has to have a decent personality, and there has to be a spark. I can
count at least 10 girls in the past year who have met that criteria. Not many, but still a significant amount. The issue is that none of them like me.
A few had liked me at some time, but I screwed it up. I struggle with approach and how to act. Many times, I come on too strong and they get scared
away, never to return. But some girls I might like are sort of closed off and get creeped out if I approach them to talk because they don't know me.
That's another idealist thing that'd be great. In an ideal world where there are no social boundaries, so you could just go up to anyone, even
people you don't know, and talk to them like you've known them for years. I realize ladies have to be careful, though. I mean well, though. There
are girls who like me, but I'm not interested so I don't get involved. I really want to find that special someone, though. I'm 18, and probably
shouldn't feel this way, but feel like I'm running short on time. I don't want to be 30 before I find someone.
I guess all this boils down to is that I'm an idealist. I'm an introvert. And even though I try to fit in, I still stand out as different than other
people, I have sort of a unique personality. And oftentimes, what people don't understand, they fear. I'm not saying that I'm like super evil or
whatever, I just want to find a group a friends, the right girl, and find meaning in life. It's said that happiness comes from within, and that might
be true in a way and for some, but I cannot truly be happy alone. I might enjoy a few hours alone to reflect and think, but anything more than that
and I get incredibly depressed and lonely. I guess what I'm asking is if any of you feel similar to the way I do and have any advice to possibly help
me along the way of my life.