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This one is for the ladies with a sense of humor.

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posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 01:27 PM
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S&F for making me laugh


Here's one to redress the balance


THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite m...eal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.




posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 02:07 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


My new personal hero.



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 05:14 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


You blown the tin foil hat right of my head...

Oh joy, that just made my day...



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 05:20 PM
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reply to post by MissConstrood
 




that one is very cute as well..



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 05:28 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


Ok id just like to say im a woman and i found this extremely hilarious. And i think if it had been the woman in this story i would have had to laugh and give props for his creativity and proving his point. S and F for you my friend.



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 06:00 PM
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reply to post by grey580
 


Nope. I still give my mrs 3-4 orgasms to my 1 and we still only have sex on weekends. Mind you we have 3 kids and 1 on the way, maybe I'm just insensitive.



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 07:14 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


HAHA good for you bro, that was a smart answer to them stupid answers that woman try to pull off, excellent post!!!



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 07:44 PM
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You get a
from this female. Thanks for the laugh!



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 08:43 PM
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off-topic post removed to prevent thread-drift


 



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 09:20 PM
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Girl got owned!!

Although for the honour of all High Maintenance women out there ... (read this a few years ago and it made me laugh so much I saved it)

The Stupidity of (some) Men

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had cr@pped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!




posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 10:28 PM
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post removed because the user has no concept of manners

Click here for more information.



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 10:38 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


I don't see any conspiracy here.

Everyone knows women don't like sex, or paying for things! shazam!



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 10:53 PM
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reply to post by usmc0311
 


That was hilarious! I almost fell off my chair laughing......great thread!



posted on Oct, 12 2011 @ 11:07 PM
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brilliant!


it reminds me of another similar joke, here it is:

A young married couple visiting the zoo, are watching the gorillas behavior. The husband notice that a male gorilla seems quite attracted by his wife. Jokingly, he tells her to wave to him, so they see how he reacts. The wife plays along, and waves to the gorilla, who responds instantly by coming closer and grabbing the cage bars, jumping and making all kind of noises. Amazed, the husband tells her: "You know what, it seems that you turn him on. Why don't you open the next button to your shirt, to see what he will do?" The wife does as told, exposing her breasts a little bit, at which the male gorilla becomes really excited, jumping up and down and shaking the cage with force. "Wow, says the husband, I wonder what he'll do if you raise your skirt a little bit?" So the wife discreetly raises the skirt, letting the gorilla see about half of her hips. At this point the male gorilla is so crazed that he manage to break the cage bars and slips out in order to grab the woman. Scarred to death, she starts running around his husband, with the gorilla chasing her, while desperately screaming to her husband: " You see what you did with your stupid ideas? What do I do now? tell me what to do now!" And the husband, watching the whole scene with interest:" What to do now? Don't worry, honey. Now just tell him you have a horrible headache."


edit on 12-10-2011 by WhiteHat because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 12:18 AM
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Excellent

S&F



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 01:19 AM
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great post OP S&F

here's one for your collection



A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 06:28 AM
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off-topic post removed to prevent thread-drift


 



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 06:32 AM
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reply to post by HighMaintenance
 


Read this one at work and they thought they were going to have to call an ambulance.
Thought I was having a seizure since I couldn't talk.



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 11:38 AM
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Too funny. Thanks for sharing, and I'm lucky I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that!



posted on Oct, 13 2011 @ 04:09 PM
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reply to post by gamesmaster63
 


I know how you feel about that one.I am going
to email this thread to my husband and make
sure his nitro tablets are close by.I laughed so
hard my chest hurts.





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