This is very hard for me to read - I don't know what to think of it. Please read my brief story and help me to understand.
In middle school, I was acquainted with a girl through my girlfriend but nothing grew right away. A couple summers later, we spent countless hours on
the phone just talking. That same summer, she started dating my best friend and we started fighting.
A couple years later, they had broken up once, but she was dating my friend again, and we were being cordial, catching up. Unfortunately I discovered
my friend was cheating and I sold him out. While she was hurting, I did my best to be a good friend and we became great friends actually.
As I went to college, I called her and said goodbye. She said almost nothing, but something inaudible sounded like she was breaking, like someone had
just stabbed her. That one semester was the hardest I had ever had. I was constantly anxious, and something pressed me to drive and write endlessly.
At some point I discovered it was because of my emotions for my friend, but try as I might she wouldn't go out with me.
We started fighting again and it ended very badly. I joined the military to try and run away, but almost 5 years later, she showed up again, wanted
to repair her relationship with my then wife. After helping them rebuild for 2 years, I was joking (flirting) with my friend and I accidentally broke
her walls. We had an emotional affair for a few months, but she ended it because I was unable to share the same emotions with my wife.
Somehow, we managed to be just friends again, but last year everything fell apart again. We spent hours on the phone, and one time she called me out
on my fear that "we" would never happen, but told me it was just a matter of time. Flirting again, I told her one time that some day I wanted to buy
her a ring. Hours after that conversation, she sends me a text message saying, "I already wear one for you." and she instantly stole my breath.
Shortly after that, her grandfather died, and her son had his second birthday and she pulled away. The whole experience tore me to pieces and has
shown me all of my greatest fears. In our history, she has said some very cruel things, and some terribly sweet ones, and while I was struggling with
her changes I asked her if any of this was real, but she refused to answer me.
Back in college, she killed one of my greatest dreams, and last year she brought it back to life, and I am unable to find contentment with my current
relationship. I have tried, I even removed my "friend" from every contact I have, but even without her around, noone can shine as bright.
What are the questions I should be asking? What are the answers? I fail to believe that so many of our collisions occur by accident. Because she is
friends with my wife, and I seem to be the problem here, I would leave and let them be friends, but I am still so confused. I am afraid that I have
to leave the life and family I have built, but in the same breath, my friend inspires my higher self and I am hungry for that feeling. I have tried
to find the same feelings with my family, but they don't exist. Is this my trial? In order to be happy, must I really give up my base?
I forgot to mention just how much this whole experience has hurt me. I've never cried so much in my life. First, having to leave my friend to try
and be true to my wife, and now to be away from someone who understands me, fights with me, who has shared their dreams with me. It's been a year
since I walked away from my friend and it still hurts. We bump into each other every few months but there's nothing to say, and even if there was, I
feel chained to the floor and lose my breath.
edit on 10-9-2012 by LCValentine because: Additional relevant info