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Your advice on this script

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posted on Oct, 2 2011 @ 10:42 AM
Hello guys and girls. For a club they asked me to help them do a script for a play that involved contributing people to the area along the santa fe trail. The idea of the script is that all these dead people are reading the obituaires that highschool students wrote for them in their American History class.

Prowers: *puts hand in pocket, pulling out his cigar and lighter. He smells the cigar before putting it in his mouth andlighting it*."Ah yes! Much better!"
Cedar Jack : "What does yours say?"
nervous) "well... Apparently I was a very important person in the finding of this area..."
Boggs:"Does is say anything bout your wife?"
Prowers: Why yes it does! I should go show her this right now! Be right back. *quickly walks off stage*
Amache:*walks over carrying a knife and racoon* Have you seen my husband anywhere?"
Owl Woman: "He's at your grave."
Amache: Thanks *puts dead racoon on table before walking off*
Cedar Jack: I wonder what it said.
*everyone hears a scream, and Prowers walks back to table, a knife in his head*
Prowers: Good thing she wasn't buffalo hunting today
Cedar Jack: The hell did it say!?
Boggs: * grabs and reads* "His wife Amache was " " but became a normal white woman after she married John Prowers. This is evident by the size she was in the various portraits they were both in."
*everyone looks at Prowers*
Cedar Jack
incred-) You really showed her this!"
Prowers: (mumbles) i was trying to bury it...
Cedar Jack: Even I'm not that stupid. *takes drink of whiskey*
Boggs: *cough* Beauty *cough*

What do you think so far. Should i make it longer, any problems, any advice would be greatly appreciated, but please don't flame or insult, mostly because i don't feel like trying to sort what is advice, and what isn't

Thanks, Locololo

posted on Oct, 2 2011 @ 11:25 AM

Originally posted by locololo
" but became a normal white woman after she married John Prowers. This is evident by the size she was in the various portraits they were both in."

Racist Hi5! jk lol
I saw the comedy in that immediately, as someone who has actually traveled around a bit, but I get the feeling that the average non-travelling user might have a bit difficulty catching the humor there at first. I definitely liked it though, you should see exactly how long you can draw it out and how funny you can make it, then just chop parts out of it.

posted on Oct, 2 2011 @ 12:16 PM
reply to post by ShadowMonk

thanks for the advice, and ya i threw that in for the laughs.

posted on Oct, 2 2011 @ 12:43 PM
I dig it. Dialogue had that ol' timey ring and timing. Comedic timing seems right too, so I'd leave it at is. Nice job.

Sounds like a cool concept for a historical play.

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