Should I call out my wife?

I think that is cool buddy.

Originally posted by Hitsuzen
reply to post by orangetom1999

 

I'm sorry you considered my post incredibly stupid. Maybe I chose the wrong words to express what I meant. I completely, totally, 100% agree that boredom is NOT an excuse for infidelity! You have no idea how that excuse has irritated me! I despise cheating! However, it would be incredibly stupid in my opinion not to address the issue of boredom in a marriage. Like it or not a lot of marriages over time turn from two people who can't get enough of each other and are constantly showing their love to the other to robotic lives. Between work and taking care of children spouses sometimes don't take the time to keep the romance part of their marriage alive. This leads to insecurity and a feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. Spouses miss the feeling of passion they once had. Sometimes (very selfishly) they turn to other people to fulfill the feelings they desire instead of trying harder to rekindle those feelings with their spouse. One spouse may be happy and not even realize the other is feeling this way due to lack of communication. All I was suggesting was that the OP communicate his love for his wife just in case she was feeling insecure about his love.

Lots of people hate infidelity. I understand that. But once again..is sex and sexuality the only glue which holds a relationship together. If so ..I would say that is a very poor basis for a relationship. Fidelity is a good thing..not just in sex but other aspects of a relatioship.

My point here is that I know of marriages and even just plain olde relationships which have survived infedility of all kinds..not just sexual ...and continued on...stronger.

Dont do what so many women I know do...have sex and sexuality as their main yardstick and tool in measuring and rating everything. For when the biology runs out and it strikes midnight Cinderella...one soon finds that these women have not invested in any real life skills...they are high maintenance if all they have is sex and sexuality...ie...cheap girl stuff beliefs and knowledge.

For the Wise man knoweth ..that the rare and valuable commodity a woman can bring to him ..is Peace....

Not Piece. Peace born of her love and respect for him..ties all the others together...into one.

Piece only ..is a sign of high maintenance.


How many women out here today...know anything at all about Peace...verses Piece??

Not only the women..but the men are so stupid that they too will settle for Piece rather than Peace. What a stupid bunch of men.

Hope this helps and clarifies.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Originally posted by Gwampo
reply to post by MamaJ

 

I would have dumped you and everything that we had at the bar. Fear is a heavy burden.

Well had you cheated on me....I wouldn't care cause I was already gone! My kids were told by this man he cheated on me ....they didn't need to know. There is a lot more to the story. Have your opinion.....I have mine.

Originally posted by Snorkelbacon
reply to post by MamaJ

 

This is a marriage though. It's a little different with a child. Live with someone long enough, they are going to lie, they will hurt you bad, they will say something they wish they could take back, do things they wish they could take back, that's life. Personally a "Huge" key to marriage is forgiveness. It's also important to note that the point of marriage isn't necessarily to be happy, growth is sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes quite frankly it sucks.

edit on 30-9-2011 by Snorkelbacon because: (no reason given)

Mamaj....thats what I go by....cause I HAVE KIDS!

Marriage to me is not about cheating and lying. Not my ideal marriage and will never stay with a man that wants to deceive me all the time. I am way too smart, have a lot of love, and my children will not witness their mom being taken advantage of in more ways than one.

I know what marriage is to me and what I want out of a marriage and it is not fear, jealousy, and lies......it is unconditional love and If I never marry again....so be it.

Seems to me you are being misleading about saying you never go through a mans stuff He asked you to look for one email..and you took it upon yourself to open many others..? How is that not looking into a mans stuff? I guess its good you found out the truth... but be honest about how you got the truth.. you went snooping.. and opened more emails after getting his password..

reply to post by gabby2011


You love to assume and run with BS..... but I am not surprised. You also love stirring *** up!!

Let me clear this up for ya.....

He asked me to look for an email from his boss. As I was looking FOR HIM I noticed one that he did not delete. He was stupid and thought I was too.

Get over yourself already.

And just more info for you so you don't get confused over my words.

I was married for 17 years and never once snooped. If I feel the need to snoop there is a BIG problem.

reply to post by MamaJ

You love to assume and run with BS..... but I am not surprised. You also love stirring *** up!!

Seems to me that's you little game more than mine.. and I won't get into it anymore.

As far as you not snooping..well.. seemed logical to me that you did.. but if you didn't..you can see why that post made it seem like you did.

I try not to assume.... but at times ..what people write just doesn't coincide with what they say they do.

I know you have issues with me mamaj , and I really don't care to stir that up..

This thread is about serious trust issues in a relationship, and the best way to deal with those.

I find it difficult when people think the best way to deal with dishonesty is to be dubious,and dishonest themselves... it just starts a chain reaction...I've seen it happen... and the consequences to it.

Maybe that is the only way some can get to the truth, and if that is the case, than you really need to evaluate why its worth staying in that relationship.

I'm happy you found out the truth before you entered what would have been most likely an unhappy marriage for you mamaj...

reply to post by gabby2011


My post was clear....the person reading it (you) was not. You assumed and then ran with your assumption. The threads where you and I have bumped heads are threads I can easily let go....but your confrontational need it seems is a trend of yours. Maybe it is you who is not always telling the truth because you seem to call a lot of people liars on this forum!

Everyone has an opinion...I get that and you have every right to yours. When replying to me I ask you take more time to read my words and not make assumptions. This will help the confusion.

I have learned a lot about relationships.....and I think I can make my own choices for me and my children without conformation from my fellow ATS'ers.

I don't snoop! PERIOD. If I feel the need for snooping I will not remain. Forgiveness is one thing....but when I was told that "I couldn't get her to leave" or "she thought I looked like Tom Cruise" or when he tells my kids "your mama is mad cause I kissed another girl in Hong Kong". I mean really? Ha! My son told me this in the car and then followed it with...."I can't stand him. How dare he disrespect you like that...he is such a liar".

Not only do I not stay with cheaters and liars but I am not about to be with someone I can't trust. That imo is naive and a set up for a miserable life!

reply to post by MamaJ

Everyone has an opinion...I get that and you have every right to yours. When replying to me I ask you take more time to read my words and not make assumptions. This will help the confusion.

and I ask the same of you.. I have never accused you of being jealous, bitter, and many assumptions you have made about me...as well as another member you accused of being jealous, for merely stating her opinion. Please.. please..practice what you preach.

I don't snoop! PERIOD. If I feel the need for snooping I will not remain. Forgiveness is one thing....but when I was told that "I couldn't get her to leave" or "she thought I looked like Tom Cruise" or when he tells my kids "your mama is mad cause I kissed another girl in Hong Kong". I mean really? Ha! My son told me this in the car and then followed it with...."I can't stand him. How dare he disrespect you like that...he is such a liar".

Again..we're only hearing your version of things.. maybe your kids asked him why you were breaking up?..or why you two were fighting?

Anyhow....it seems suspect to me, when someone comes on here giving all the details as to why she was in her significant others email, only to be followed twice by such loud protests..of ...I DON"T SNOOP.

But then again...does it really matter what I think mamaj ?.. no..it doesn't

In the grand scheme of life.. you have to make the choices you see fit.. and hopefully you don't repeat the same mistakes.

(daaamn.. for someone who spouts off so much about unconditional love.. you sure have your conditions.. )

Originally posted by gabby2011
reply to post by MamaJ

 

Everyone has an opinion...I get that and you have every right to yours. When replying to me I ask you take more time to read my words and not make assumptions. This will help the confusion.

and I ask the same of you.. I have never accused you of being jealous, bitter, and many assumptions you have made about me...as well as another member you accused of being jealous, for merely stating her opinion. Please.. please..practice what you preach.

I don't snoop! PERIOD. If I feel the need for snooping I will not remain. Forgiveness is one thing....but when I was told that "I couldn't get her to leave" or "she thought I looked like Tom Cruise" or when he tells my kids "your mama is mad cause I kissed another girl in Hong Kong". I mean really? Ha! My son told me this in the car and then followed it with...."I can't stand him. How dare he disrespect you like that...he is such a liar".

Again..we're only hearing your version of things.. maybe your kids asked him why you were breaking up?..or why you two were fighting?

Anyhow....it seems suspect to me, when someone comes on here giving all the details as to why she was in her significant others email, only to be followed twice by such loud protests..of ...I DON"T SNOOP.

But then again...does it really matter what I think mamaj ?.. no..it doesn't

In the grand scheme of life.. you have to make the choices you see fit.. and hopefully you don't repeat the same mistakes.

(daaamn.. for someone who spouts off so much about unconditional love.. you sure have your conditions..

)

edit on 6-10-2011 by gabby2011 because: (no reason given)

What do you not understand about this....?

He asked me to look for an email and I did. He asked me to look for one from his boss that stated something..so I had to look in these emails for HIM. He deleted some...and didn't delete others. He did not delete an incriminating email. It is real simple to understand.....only complicated to the one that doesn't understand simplicity.

Having unconditional love for him is something I have. We still talk and get along better now than we did when were together because I have no need to trust him anymore in a relationship.

Having love for someone does not mean I have to be around them on a daily basis. There is a difference. I really don't expect you to see it though.

A mistake is not a "mistake" if it is repeated. If it is repeated it becomes a habit.

If you still don't get it....its ok with me. I have tried to make you understand and you are right....it does not matter what you think.

reply to post by orangetom1999

How many women out here today...know anything at all about Peace...verses Piece??

Your post once again had some very valid points... but I think more women than men in fact crave for "peace"..over "piece"..

There are many women who would love a home filled with peace.... and not have to worry so much about satisfying the sexual cravings of their men, so he doesn't cheat.

reply to post by MamaJ

Having unconditional love for him is something I have. We still talk and get along better now than we did when were together because I have no need to trust him anymore in a relationship.

There you go..assuming I was referring to the above relationship when in fact I was basing my opinion on the quote below..

I know what marriage is to me and what I want out of a marriage and it is not fear, jealousy, and lies......it is unconditional love and If I never marry again....so be it.

I find the above statement rather a stretch considering every relationship has some form of conditions to it.. there is no such thing as unconditional love..

Having love for someone does not mean I have to be around them on a daily basis. There is a difference. I really don't expect you to see it though.

Really? and what makes you the expert on seeing things correctly? You have done nothing but assume things about me.. and you have no idea what my relationships have entailed.

Because I don't care to talk about my private life, doesn't make you an expert on how I see things.

You have shown me to be one that "talks the talk"..but doesn't 'walk the walk" with your assumptions and accusations.

If you still don't get it....its ok with me.

and if you still can't get what I was trying to say.. its ok with me as well.

So.. curious..as to what advice you would give the young married op on his dilemma, considering you have so much experience in the field of relationships.

Were you trying to tell him in your post that the best way to deal with this would be to shag his wife, then turn to her and tell her.."hope you enjoyed it,cause that's the last time your gettin' any of this?"

reply to post by gabby2011


Condition on my love for him and condition on my relationship with him is a little different in my opinion.

I have unconditional love for the man who cheated on me....but I left because I do not want a relationship with him that has to be based on trust. There was no trust..... I can still show him love and talk with him and his son. I do not have to stay in an unhappy situation that is based on lies and not love.

I guess you missed my post to him (the OP) before I told my "funny story". My funny story just so happens to be the one you ran with.....but again.....not surprising.

Before I just so happen to be asked to look through his old emails BY HIM.... his ex wife had called me twice in two years saying she had also been with him when I was out of town with my parents and kids and another time. He and his entire family assured me the ex was just jealous and "crazy".

I can assure you I don't jump on band wagons and I do weigh out my options and what is best for me and my kids.

I don't mind telling personal stories because it gives the reader an idea of who I am. I am proud to be ME.

reply to post by MamaJ

I guess you missed my post to him (the OP) before I told my "funny story". My funny story just so happens to be the one you ran with.....but again.....not surprising.

Yes..it appears you did post before, and I missed it...was good advice as well..
(sorry..but sometimes I miss posts..it happens)

I don't mind telling personal stories because it gives the reader an idea of who I am. I am proud to be ME.

Good for you.. but because I care to keep mine personal and private ..doesn't make me any less happy to be me.

I think you give the reader a picture that you want to portray, and when a few of those readers may disagree with you on a few things , the claws come out.

Peace mamaj.. now please get back to being that unconditional loving person you portray yourself to be..

I think you give the reader a picture that you want to portray, and when a few of those readers may disagree with you on a few things , the claws come out. Peace mamaj.. now please get back to being that unconditional loving person you portray yourself to be..

reply to post by gabby2011


You have not seen my claws....I can assure you of that. You are talking to a woman who has grown out of reacting to others with my fist. I have learned.

I only put it back in your lap and if you take that as my claws coming out...you really have no idea about communication.

Funny..this is not the first time you have said, "unconditional loving person you portray yourself to be".

If you want to be more loving you may indeed want to work on your communication with others....for starters.

Originally posted by MamaJ

I think you give the reader a picture that you want to portray, and when a few of those readers may disagree with you on a few things , the claws come out. Peace mamaj.. now please get back to being that unconditional loving person you portray yourself to be..

reply to post by gabby2011

 

You have not seen my claws....I can assure you of that. You are talking to a woman who has grown out of reacting to others with my fist. I have learned.

I only put it back in your lap and if you take that as my claws coming out...you really have no idea about communication.

Funny..this is not the first time you have said, "unconditional loving person you portray yourself to be".

If you want to be more loving you may indeed want to work on your communication with others....for starters.

edit on 6-10-2011 by MamaJ because: (no reason given)

I'm not the one claiming unconditional love....never have..and never will..

You are the one that spouts off about unconditional love.. yet you fail to portray that .. with your snide remarks.. and hypocritical behavior..

Now lets quit making this thread about you and me.. if you care to discuss things rationally u2u me..and we can talk about this..

Otherwise..I'm letting this go, and letting this thread get back on its course.

I have tried to steer it back to the original problems stated in the op.. and I wish he would come back ,and let us know how things went..

But I understand if he chooses not to do so.

I hope everything turned out well, and their relationship has grown stronger.

Originally posted by Snorkelbacon
reply to post by MamaJ

 

This is a marriage though. It's a little different with a child. Live with someone long enough, they are going to lie, they will hurt you bad, they will say something they wish they could take back, do things they wish they could take back, that's life. Personally a "Huge" key to marriage is forgiveness. It's also important to note that the point of marriage isn't necessarily to be happy, growth is sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes quite frankly it sucks.

edit on 30-9-2011 by Snorkelbacon because: (no reason given)

I found a lot of wisdom in your post...

Forgiveness is a huge key to a lasting loving relationship... not only forgiveness from your spouse, but self forgiveness as well.

reply to post by gabby2011


Gabby,

Over the years I too have noticed that those who use the term "Unconditional Love" often have a very tall list of conditions..which are mostly expectations of someone else to meet their agenda. Someone else to take RISKS for them.

This has caused me to look closely at the term "Unconditional Love" I have determined that it is a marketing term...slick advertising to cover up or hide ones conditions...ie...vulnurabilities.

So today when I hear the term "Unconditional Love" I think....."High Maintenance" and usually with the expectation and belief that someone else take the RISKS out of life to maintain someone else. It also tends towrd no Peace..and mostly Piece.

This is often a formula for a woman exchanging a mans belief system for hers and her expectations with mostly sex and sexuality at stake. After all..she is putting so much on the line and at RISK.

This is not a good trade off for the thinking man. Unfortunately most men cannot think further than sports and cheeleaders. They seldom ever catch on to the nature of what is being discussed here.

A man who can think for himself...his time and labor..RISKS is worth more than sex or the "Best years of her life."
IF that is all a woman has she is cheating him. If that is for what he settles he is dumb enough to cheat himself and has worked hard for her to cheat him. What a dumb male to settle for these conditions when he can have real Peace.

Peace requires real commitment from a woman. Piece does not.

With Piece..a woman can put on the "appearance of commitment" while privily switching your agenda with her's and having you take most of the RISKS to maintain her agenda and give up yours..while they teach and preach "Unconditional Love." In this manner ...by underwriting their maintenance costs with ones RISK Taking...the women behind these dogmas can afford more "Unconditional Love."

If one has to go out into the world and face serious RISKS for ones lifestyle..one quickly learns about conditions...ie..reality. Unconditional Love quickly loses its Luster as a sales pitch.

But to understand this a man needs to be able to think outside of sports and cheerleader conditioning. Conditioning to run touchdowns/take RISKS without asking himself the real nature of the game being played.

Thanks,
Orangetom

reply to post by orangetom1999




WHAT?

Really??

Ok.....I will leave you two to this conversation. I have heard it all now. Before I go though and delete this off of "my ats" I will indeed defend myself to you and Gabby as I usually do when I am on a thread with her.

First.....

How did you come up with all of that "stuff" from pondering unconditional love?

Look....that is your belief....and its cool with me. I am not on this site to have friends. I am on this site to learn and show love for my fellow brother/sister...thats it.

IMO, to know how to give love without condition (not the same thing as dedication or any other word you want to come up with) is just that. Love no matter what.

Now....do not be mistaken in regards to a relationship....that unconditional love = misery.

If you are in a marriage where there is infidelity and or abuse then.. one can choose to still love that person under any conditions of their state and still move on while maintaining a love for that person.

As I (or anyone striving to) grow in love it will not only get stronger but deeper...even for an enemy or a person who is always causing strife (hint, hint). I can still love that person under any conditions...I may not like their actions...but I am not walking in their path. I can choose though to be away from toxic love given by someone else. Anyone can.

The End....Im done with this thread.....but I still love the ones who are quick to judge me.

SO be it.

reply to post by MamaJ


I'd # you.

reply to post by MamaJ

Look....that is your belief....and its cool with me. I am not on this site to have friends. I am on this site to learn and show love for my fellow brother/sister...thats it.

umm..ok..

could you please eeze off on showing me so much love it's starting to hurt..

IMO, to know how to give love without condition (not the same thing as dedication or any other word you want to come up with) is just that. Love no matter what. Now....do not be mistaken in regards to a relationship....that unconditional love = misery. If you are in a marriage where there is infidelity and or abuse then.. one can choose to still love that person under any conditions of their state and still move on while maintaining a love for that person.

Its nice that you feel you still have unconditional love for your ex... but when someone says words like the above right after they have publicly trashed him , spilling the personal details of his infidelities on a very huge public forum,not to mention what your kid has said about him... it makes a person wonder how valuable your unconditional love is..

Was it really necessary for you to 'tell" your story of the bitter and callous way you decided to end a relationship because of infidelity ?

And then to go on a say how you are still so close with him, and his son, and your unconditional love deepens for him , yet you throw his private affairs out there for the whole world to see

Sorry , but I hope you can understand when I have a hard time understanding this type of "deepening" unconditional love.