Should I call out my wife?

reply to post by sinfall


Instead of straight up saying to your wife you don't trust her and essentially hacked into her account, I'd go more along the lines of trying to go with her, why can't you go? girls night out?

And let me tell you something, if you think her cousin won't lie and cover for her, I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you.

Hang on, she was just going to meet an old bf at a skate rink with her cousin and it was suggested children come along?. That was hardly a recipe for a *hot date* with anyone, let alone a toothless childhood sweetheart.
Sometimes it's just nice to catch up, there doesn't have to be any other reason than that.

Try trusting her. She's you're missis, you don't own her.
I might try ice skating myself now I realise the potential for debauchery and illicit passion.
Sounds like a smashing afternoon.

Oh and I also want to add this experience cause now...its funny!

My bf of 3 years cheated on me while he was in Hong Kong on business. He was there for 10 days. I knew it in my gut what was going on. The very night he cheated I KNEW it....he denied it of course...callin me crazy and jealous.
He came home...proposed to me in front of my kids (it was sweet) and I said yes. A week later I found some pictures and then an email in his computer. He had called to ask me to look for an old email and so I had him on the phone doing so ( i never go through a mans stuff to find anything..just so ya know) and found an older email from him to his boss asking him to hurry and get there so he can get laid. Ha! Busted himself....dummy!

I pondered for a week. That weekend we were at a bar with his bro and some other friends. I flirted my a$$ off and had my bf head spinnin cause I was flirting with all kinds of cute guys. Got home...we did our thang (I made sure I was on top of my game if ya know what I mean) and then when it was over...I told him this..

I hope that was as great for you as it was for me cause that is the last time you will ever have me. The following week I left and never have went back. 2 years later.....NOW....I have an awesome bf of a year and half and he proves his love daily. If he lies .....once.....and it weighs out to me distrusting him...I have learned I cannot get over lies...

I will be gone again.

We can't change other people we can only change ourselves. If she is lying and feels the need to go out, you have to ask yourself what am I doing to encourage this. I would tell her by planning a really nice nice date. woo her brother. When she asks why you are doing this, and what it is for, tell her you hacked her account, saw she was meeting with her ex, tell her you love her and that you figured you were lacking somehow driving her to meet with someone else so you wanted to let her know how special she is to you.

reply to post by MamaJ


This is a marriage though. It's a little different with a child. Live with someone long enough, they are going to lie, they will hurt you bad, they will say something they wish they could take back, do things they wish they could take back, that's life. Personally a "Huge" key to marriage is forgiveness. It's also important to note that the point of marriage isn't necessarily to be happy, growth is sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes quite frankly it sucks.

reply to post by Snorkelbacon


Wow, you hit the nail on the head. You are correct, we always hurt the ones we love. If you make it through the tough times together and forgive you are stronger for it after, IMO.

there is a dilemma IMO, everyone is assuming your wife cancelled.

What if it was the other person who cancelled ? for some unknown reason and the plan is still in motion for some other time?options still open?

you see this kickstarted events that will never end, now the OP will have to keep checking and have his radar on 24hrs, he will start suspecting every call, every move she does.
until he comes clean which he can't? cuz she might give him an answer he wants to hear, that She cancelled cuz she loves him.
WAIT, why assume the negativity all the time, i know lying is not a good sign, but now that the issue of bringing the kids along was an option, the same thing happened to me, my own dad asked me that he wants to secretly meet up with an old flame of his and she has a nice daughter and if we can all go out and meet up at a nice restaurant i used to work at, that was weird, but i knew it was nothing more than reliving a few moments of the past and catching up, which was an innocent thing TBH.

OP, your wife should have been honest with you, you have every right to track her down and check up on her, but i assure you, she meant nothing bad out of this......keep your cool, and just wait , things like this can't be hidden for too long.
I suggest you ask her about him and see her reaction in a few days time, tell her something like so whats new with this guy you told me about, whats he been up to etc etc, be casual, and see how her reaction would be.
If you do nothing, and just move on like nothing happened, it will eat you inside and you will never est until you know what the # that was all about....

patience is a virtue as i said.

My friend, it stinks to be in that situation because I have gone through it as well. All I know is that snooping around isn't the right thing but also go with your gut instinct. If you snoop around you'll only look for more trouble. Always follow your gut if you think a situation is not right. The fact that she cancelled shows that its a good sign. But just be careful. I am not going to lie, reading about your situation kinda got me upset and and I'm not even in a marriage or a relationship. Best of luck my friend.

Originally posted by Cinaed
reply to post by valiant

 

Two wrongs never make a right!!! I don't think any adult relationship is healthy when either party feels they have a *right* to disrespect the other. The fact he snooped rather than asking about his suspicions makes me wonder if she KNOWS he doesn't respect her..... Hence her dissatisfaction with him. I am not condoning her actions either, but maybe I understand them....
Having been married to a man that did similar things. You bet I started lying to him, right about the time I no longer trusted or respected HIM.

There is more to this than just his side of the story

It seems to me you are projecting what happened to you in your past upon the author of this thread. I think perhaps you need to take a long look in the mirror and think about the mistakes you have made yourself...and how you can correct your own character.

I'm just saying.

reply to post by sinfall


"So, being the computer nerd I am, I RDPed into her laptop and accessed her facebook account and sure enough, they had a chat going and guess who she is meeting up with at the skating ring. I figured at this point why not check the emails to"


could you please teach me to do what you did above, I could use that info huge. And to stay on topic, I would follow her, or have a friend do so, and watch. Do not say a word about this yet. Check things out for yourself, and take out the guess work. This is coming from someone who does private investigation part time. If all turns out well, water under the bridge, but.......................... if it goes south, you are right there to intervene.

reply to post by sinfall


You mention Alimony. If you can build a case that proves she was unfaithful you can pretty much eliminate that.

As for the guy being a loser, that's your opinion and maybe not hers. Maybe he's funny as hell or hung like a donkey. Who knows? Maybe he is indeed a loser but he dumped your wife.

Either way I wouldn't let on that you know anything even if you know something happened. Proof proof proof in case something does happen.

reply to post by gunshooter

"So, being the computer nerd I am, I RDPed into her laptop and accessed her facebook account and sure enough, they had a chat going and guess who she is meeting up with at the skating ring. I figured at this point why not check the emails to"

I see an unfair advantage here, for the types that know how to hack, and know how to hide..

What's wrong with a good ol' heart to heart..just talking about relationships, and what you feel may be crossing the line.

Asking each other how you would feel if the other just hooked up for coffee with an old friend or ex, without letting the other know.. is a starter..

She did tell him she had added an old friend on facebook..

To the op..I ask you this.. is some old flame of yours .popped into facebook to say hi.. would you tell your wife? and if she asked to meet you somewhere just to catch up..would you tell your wife?

Yes there is two sides to this story.. like a member said.. and I really hope they work it out.. being as honest and respectful as possible.

Originally posted by gunshooter
reply to post by sinfall

 

"So, being the computer nerd I am, I RDPed into her laptop and accessed her facebook account and sure enough, they had a chat going and guess who she is meeting up with at the skating ring. I figured at this point why not check the emails to"


could you please teach me to do what you did above, I could use that info huge. And to stay on topic, I would follow her, or have a friend do so, and watch. Do not say a word about this yet. Check things out for yourself, and take out the guess work. This is coming from someone who does private investigation part time. If all turns out well, water under the bridge, but.......................... if it goes south, you are right there to intervene.

Star for you! This is the best advice!

reply to post by sinfall


What I have concerns about....it appears you DID hack in to her FB, and if not her FB, most definately her email account. At some point she WILL find out and you'll have a whole lot of explaining to do. You obviously don't trust your wife and I'm assuming there was nothing in her emails to this old boyfriend she had at 14 YEARS OF AGE suggests you need to worry! For pete's sake, he was an old friend of hers in junior high school and it's not like she's meeting him alone.

I'd let it go, see how she reacts after she gets home then slowly bring it up in conversation over the next few days and if she opens up or not.

reply to post by sinfall


I havent read all the comments,but what did she tell the guy over facebook before this meet? Does the guy know she is married to you and have a child? If he does, and this guy still wants to meet, it may seem that hes just in a desperate situation and wants to feel his teenage self again back before he dumped her, trying to 'redo' or 'undo' his dumping on her. So hes probably just a guy who makes terrible decisions and hes just meeting up with her to see where he made the worst one of his life?

I would just talk to her when she gets back and ask her the details of the skate out with her cous. If she hasnt showed any signs in the past years of trying to sneakily meet others then your good. But if she is trying to secretly meet others, I would find out why, if its your fault or her fault, that the 'spark' is maybe fizzing out.

reply to post by camaro68ss

i agree. ask to go and make a fun time of it!

reply to post by MamaJ


I would have dumped you and everything that we had at the bar. Fear is a heavy burden.

reply to post by sinfall


Firstly..take a deep breath and relax. Life is short; no reason to freak out. Secondly, Jealousy is normal and if you just told told her, politely and nicely, she probably would be flattered. Third, Don't tell her now because you already crossed the line by looking(snooping) at her FB.
Just Sit back, let her go out and have a good time, and don't say a word. If there's a problem ..you'll know. Is it not enough that you have invaded the little privacy she has? She married you, and is the mother of your child- why not let her have her little lark. she's not gonna leave you and the boy, she just wants to take a trip down memory lane.

reply to post by MamaJ

. A week later I found some pictures and then an email in his computer. He had called to ask me to look for an old email and so I had him on the phone doing so ( i never go through a mans stuff to find anything..just so ya know) and found an older email from him to his boss asking him to hurry and get there so he can get laid. Ha! Busted himself....dummy!

Seems to me you are being misleading about saying you never go through a mans stuff

He asked you to look for one email..and you took it upon yourself to open many others..?

How is that not looking into a mans stuff?

I guess its good you found out the truth... but be honest about how you got the truth.. you went snooping.. and opened more emails after getting his password..

I think she is afraid to tell you about the meet up. Maybe thinking you WILL get upset over it. That's just how I am with my Hubs, I am always afraid to tell him stuff because he sometimes blows stuff so far out the window it becomes insane.

Regardless of that though, she is not acting appropriately for a married woman. Of course, you were wrong in snooping.

However, if she KNOWS you have access to her Facebook account, then it really isn't snooping. My wife and I can both access each other's Facebook of course. Wouldn't even occur to us to do otherwise.

I say call her out on it, but on the sly... Ask her how things went. If she knows you know about the old boyfriend there, you can say, "So, did you see so and so there? Didn't you used to date that guy there, etc." Or, you can ask if she ran into any old friends.

She probably has no intention to cheat, but is flattered by the attention.

The other route is to act oblivious, and do some nice things for her, reminding her of what a good guy you are. Personally though, I'd probably do the following.

Go up to Mr. Ex Boyfriend and have a little conversation. "Dude, you need to back the hell off. And if you try to see her on the sly or send any kind of communication to her that I don't know about, I'm going to knock out the few remaining teeth you have...we clear?"