Should I call out my wife?

reply to post by sinfall


Just wait and see what happens afterwards, how will you be able to explain yourself when she starts to question you about your sneaky actions in her FB profile?? She could get upset about you knowing AND about you looking at her private busines. It is hard yes, to say nothing and pretend everything is fine, but this way you can see what her actions will be and what those actions will tell about her attitude towards your partnetship. Just sit tight and look for signs (if any will emmerge), if it happens again, well then bring the thunder!
Hope all works out for ya

reply to post by sinfall


It seems to me you are even more sneaky than your wife, and certainly everybit as disrespectful.

Perhaps part of the reaon she is going off to meet an old flame is based on her clear understanding you are the sort of person that hacks and sneaks and ignores boundaries..... Rather than choosing the honest and honorable route of simply asking.

Can't say as I'd blame her. I would be pretty depressed if I had a husband with so little honesty, integrity or so little respect for me he snoops through my stuff.

Originally posted by Cinaed
reply to post by sinfall

 

It seems to me you are even more sneaky than your wife, and certainly everybit as disrespectful.

Perhaps part of the reaon she is going off to meet an old flame is based on her clear understanding you are the sort of person that hacks and sneaks and ignores boundaries..... Rather than choosing the honest and honorable route of simply asking.

Can't say as I'd blame her. I would be pretty depressed if I had a husband with so little honesty, integrity or so little respect for me he snoops through my stuff.

This is just a ridiculous response IMO, what about her respect for him? do you think telling lies and messaging/meeting ex boyfriends is respectful to the OP? I don't think so!!!!

He has every right to check up all he likes if he 'suspects' something, if you invest your love, your life and your future into someone then sure as hell you have every right to protect that huge investment, I certainly would!!!

reply to post by valiant


Two wrongs never make a right!!! I don't think any adult relationship is healthy when either party feels they have a *right* to disrespect the other. The fact he snooped rather than asking about his suspicions makes me wonder if she KNOWS he doesn't respect her..... Hence her dissatisfaction with him. I am not condoning her actions either, but maybe I understand them....
Having been married to a man that did similar things. You bet I started lying to him, right about the time I no longer trusted or respected HIM.

There is more to this than just his side of the story

"The superior man lets many things pass without being duped." The IChing.

Be careful my friend, as you could possibly justify her reasons for moving on.

You're in an ugly situation and my best 2 cents is keep your nerve and be vigilant.

If she is sabotaging the relationship it will come to light.
At that point then you can do what you feel you must.

It is possible that she is just curious and feels you would be upset by her seeing this guy. And she is taking her cousin along after all.

Just out of curiosity, what would you have said if she had been up front about it all?

It is a good idea to gather evidence as you have said as that will stand you well if it goes to court IMO.

I wish you the best and hope you maintain the moral high ground and behave in a gentlemanly fashion.
Remember that the bigger the explosion, the bigger the fallout.

Peace.

Originally posted by Cinaed
reply to post by valiant

 

Two wrongs never make a right!!! I don't think any adult relationship is healthy when either party feels they have a *right* to disrespect the other. The fact he snooped rather than asking about his suspicions makes me wonder if she KNOWS he doesn't respect her..... Hence her dissatisfaction with him. I am not condoning her actions either, but maybe I understand them....
Having been married to a man that did similar things. You bet I started lying to him, right about the time I no longer trusted or respected HIM.

There is more to this than just his side of the story

I know there are two sides to every story, but we don't have both sides and can only comment on what we know! I agree he should have asked her, but you would have to be pretty naive to think people don't lie, especially if they are in the wrong and could potentially destroy there current way of life/relationship with there lies and secrecy!

.... but again, as you say we don't know the full story here from both sides, but I stand by what I say and believe we have a right to protect our emotional/life investments!

reply to post by valiant


I understand what you are saying but I can thing of about 6 honest ways he could have, as you say*protect his investment* The fast he chose a sneaky and disrespectful route, NO MATTER what she is up to shed quite a bit of light on his character to me. If this is typical behavior for him, then I think her actions might just be the natural result of a long term relationship that lacks trust and respect in both parties

Only you know best, but I'd have to follow her and find out what really
happened, and then ask her what went on when she got back. If what
you saw and what she said don't match ...

If she's meeting other guys and hiding it, it's over. If she's lying to
you, the relationship is not what you thought it was.

It's not a good situation. If you snoop, you will find out more than
you want to. Been there and done that, unfortunately.

Just my opinion - it's your life.

Originally posted by Cinaed
reply to post by valiant

 

I understand what you are saying but I can thing of about 6 honest ways he could have, as you say*protect his investment* The fast he chose a sneaky and disrespectful route, NO MATTER what she is up to shed quite a bit of light on his character to me. If this is typical behavior for him, then I think her actions might just be the natural result of a long term relationship that lacks trust and respect in both parties

Maybe he felt that was his only viable option to get the truth, sneaky or not! and I don't think it's disrespectful what he did and it certainly paid off!
I wouldn't have the slightest problem with my partner if she was checking up on me, but i'd have a huge problem if she was sneaking around messaging and meeting up with other men!

I see your point entirely, I just don't fully accept it! to me his behavior is justified while hers is unacceptable,

If you're gonna play away or think of messing around in a relationship you shouldn't be in one in the first place! it's not a game and there is no excuse for it IMO!

***UPDATE***

She called her cousin last night and cancelled. Suggested to take our son out shopping for some fall clothes. Thanks for letting me vent and the advice.

Thanks to Cinaed for trollin. seeking justifying with what would be lies and infidelity

reply to post by sinfall


She cancelled? Could she have found out that you tracked her plans? Interesting.

reply to post by aero56


Interesting, just what I was thinking. Either that, or he conscious was eating her up pretty badly and she came to her senses. The million dollar question now is, will she decide to tell him of her original plans?

reply to post by Cinaed


I agree with you. I think it maybe insecurity and paranoia that is bugging her. It gets old after awhile.

What do I think?

She is simply curious. Sometimes you just want to see how a person turns out.

if her cousin is going with her, then I am willing to bet that is what it is. If you plan on meeting a member of the opposite sex and have things happen, you don't bring company,.

If she is going rollar skating, I think she is just reliving her youth.

I don't believe that just because you are married, that you should share personal information. My fb is mine only. I don't care if you gave me a kidney, your not getting the password. That is my personal space, as well as email.

Adults need autonomy. You don't stop being an individual just because you are married.

Women are subject to losing themselves especially after becoming mothers.

I think she is having a reaction to losing autonomy and seekingn something that reminds her who she was before marriage and children.
nothing more.

And it is kept secret because if it isn't,then that world is infiltrated too.

Keep an eye on it, but say nothing more. if it happens again, then confront her.

reply to post by sinfall


Just because you dont like the answers, doesnt make them a troll.

You infiltrated her privacy at the first sign of insecurity. I am willing to bet this is a regular occurance.

is there another skating rink anywhere in the vicinity? buy tickets for her, her cousin and yourself, for the same exact time and day, and surprise her with them and a box of chocolates or something. maybe a mushy card.

edit: oh situation resolved! hurray!

reply to post by sinfall


not saying it's right or wrong, but people do meet up with old classmates to satisfy their curiosity. a one-time meeting to actually see the old face in person, maybe have a few chuckles.

you're a POS. you ripped into your wife's private computer and read her private messages, and you think you should call her out?

if you are any kind of man at all, you'll come clean and hope she'll let you off the hook for what you did. seriously, you should be ashamed. to then come onto a public forum and share what you did just reinforces what a clueless person you are. i pity you. if i had a friend go through this scenario in his marriage, telling me what you told us, i'd never hang with him again.

So she cancelled going which means she probably was feeling guilty/uneasy about the situation and decided it was a stupid move on her part. That to me would entail she values you and doesn't want to do anything that could upset the apple cart.

As for people saying how dare he check her facebook or emails, what a betrayal of trust, wait a minute, she also has his password and may be checking his facebook, if that is their agreement, it's not for any of us to judge it. Not to mention that many a spouse has had to play detective when their gut tells them something is not right, in this day and age should they just ignore their gut and risk catching an STD because god forbid they do something that says "I don't trust you" to their partner, that's worth way more than your personal health right?

As someone who was cheated on in her marriage, let me tell you, having to go through HIV testing, STD testing because your spouse was unfaithful.........not fun! I wish I had been more on the ball before something actually happened so I didn't have to endure that.

Hmmm This is tricky. You know being YOUR wife and all, mother to your child and life spouse.
I bet a lot of people will tell you that you are jealous and insecure and feel insulted and to get over it.
They are right of course and the only way for a real Man and husband to act is in honesty and love, the only way to deal with this problem is to speak in love to your wife, with your concerns.
Jealousy proves love and so does insecurity, thats a good thing for a bloke.
Before that though, if I was in your shoes I would be questioning the effort I was placing in the marital relationship and the wife herself.
Maybe its partly your neglect of her emotions, and a lack of attention to her needs?
Go the dishes once or twice a week, make the bed or bath the kid, take her out for a feed once a week.
Look I am no councilor, all I am suggesting is what I have worked out over the last 19 years and three days of marriage.
If what I say doesnt reflect on your relationship, then sorry.

reply to post by sinfall


Next time get a friend to spy on her! .....Just give them 20 bucks.

reply to post by sinfall


I am soooo glad she cancelled! Here are my thoughts none the less.....

In ANY relationship honesty is the best policy. Telling her you thought something was up and going on her fb only to find you were right sets a stage for distrust on both sides. I would still tell her what you thought and then what you found. It would eat me up if I didn't say anything..but...you are not me.

Also, married people and face book sets a stage for infidelity especially if you do not have a 100% trust. It sucks..but its true. Men as well as women want what they don't have...they do not care to mess up a marriage as long as their needs are met.

What I would be concerned about if I was you is the fact she did lie and she may again. What a way to live, huh? I have been there and done it....it is not happiness to live in fear of your spouse cheating. It is a very lonely feeling.

Good luck and hopefully this is the last time you are lied to, especially in regards to meeting up with another man...ugly or not.