Should I call out my wife?

I'm posting this here because this is the only place in the interwebs that my wife and I don't both post....

I'm 30, she's 27, we've been together 12 years and married almost 9 years. We have a 2yr old son. That sums up the backlog of details....

I recently noticed and she also mentioned that an ex-bf of hers added her on facebook. An ex-bf as in, from when she was like 14 years old. I didn't think much of it, I knew of him by name. Never met him or anything. Well, apparently they met at this roller-skate ring back in the day and from there they started "dating". Well, it's been about two weeks or so since she mentioned him and today she sends me a txt asking if it was okay if she went with her cousin tomorrow night to that particular skate ring to go roller skating. Well, I told her that was fine, but it immediately set off the sirens in my head. My wife and I have been together for 12yrs and not ONCE has she showed any interest in roller skating, much less driving an hour out to this particular skate ring. So, being the computer nerd I am, I RDPed into her laptop and accessed her facebook account and sure enough, they had a chat going and guess who she is meeting up with at the skating ring. I figured at this point why not check the emails to her cousin and it is true they (wife and her cousin) are going, but my wife hasn't mentioned that she is meeting her Ex there.

At this point I checked out his facebook profile and found that he is not much to worry about as far as "stealing' my wife away or anything, given his lack of employment, drug habits, baby momma drama, rotten teeth, etc., but the fact that she is hiding this from me is what bothers me. In the chat he is already proposing to cap off the night at the local bar and that he could give her a ride home.

At this point I'm not sure if I should call her out before or after or wait until the followings days when I can confirm the met up. I figure if I drop the bomb that I know before, it will piss her off and drive her to do something stupid to piss me off, but I want her to unconsciously get the feeling that i know what's up and on to her.

Beens tewing on this at work most of the day and just needed to get it out....


flame away

I had two bad experiences via Facebook ex's this year. One from my end and one from my gf's. (busted my gf two days ago doing some dodgy messaging to her "friend")

Its definitely not a great thing, but if the guys a loser I wouldn't worry about it. Just keep an eye out for signs of her acting suspect when on the computer. Thats how I busted her.

Also Facebook saves all chat messages temporarily...

Facebook is stupid anyway. Never on there anymore.

reply to post by sinfall


Definitely call her out...and I'm a woman. If there is nothing to hide...then why hide it, and better yet, why not invite you to go along? Twelve years is a good amount of time to solidify a marriage..but to be the devil's advocate...it's also sufficient time to get bored...take a stand. You have every right to expect your spouse to totally honest in a case like this. Good Luck!

I think she is afraid to tell you about the meet up. Maybe thinking you WILL get upset over it. That's just how I am with my Hubs, I am always afraid to tell him stuff because he sometimes blows stuff so far out the window it becomes insane.

I think you should ask her if you can come, and watch her sweat about it. If it really is nothing then she'll let you, if it's something sneaky then she'll get all worked up about it and try to talk you out of it, or change her plans entirly. I would sit on this one, and keep watching, if it were me and it was vise versa...once there is a dout in your mind about her intentions, there always will be until you can prove otherwise.

But, like you said the dude is a bum. I wouldn't worry, it could just be that she is afraid to tell you, thinking you will disapprove and so on. But ask yourself one thing...Are you guilty of doing this very same thing?

you should suddenly take interest in roller skating too. Ask if you can go and how you always wanted to roller skate. Thats what i would do.

You're in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If you let her go and pretend that you don't know anything, it will eat you up inside. If you confront her, you will have to admit that you broke a bond of trust by hacking into her facebook and emails.

Having been through something similar, with disastrous results, may I offer the following suggestion:

Tell her that it sounds really fun to go skating and you would like to go too. If she belly-aches about just wanting "girl time" with her cousin, or saying who will watch the baby, tell her that you'll get a sitter and you three should all go together. Put her into a corner this way, so if she makes a big deal about you going along, you have much to worry about.

If she insists on going alone without you, I would press her as to why. Most cheaters are quick to exclude their spouse from their extra-marital activities. If you're lucky, she'll go to the rink and see that this guy is a disgusting loser. If you're not lucky, she'll start up with this creep and you will need a great deal of counseling to get over the betrayal.

Bottom line: You two have been together since she was a young teenager. She missed out on dating and all of that by being with you. The root cause may be that she is bored and wants a little excitement. You can provide that for her with a little creativity without breaking the bank.

Good luck.

I think you should try to get her to admit with out telling her you know. If she says nothing then wait a little bit to see if they meet up again, if they do then pull the trigger.

Well I'm a woman so here's my take on it. She probably figures you would have a cow if she told you that she was meeting the ex so she left that part out. If you love her, and trust her, then it shouldn't be a problem if she see's him; especially after your description of the loser!

She's probably just curious and maybe wants to catch up for old times sake. I'm sure she will see that he's no the person she remembers and will blow him off.

Anyway, that's a woman's two cents.....

I wouldn't say anything. Let her go skate with the loser ex and when she comes home you should ask her how her night was. Allow her to make her own choices, even if theyre a bit shady. You never know, she might even be honest and tell you she ended up getting a beer with the guy. Don't let this clown turn you into a psycho husband haha.

Thanks for the replies. The other idea is the fact that this guy dumped her way back when and is now a loser, so maybe she just wants to kinda "rub it in" and knows that trying to explain that to me would be awkward and I'd tell her to grow up LOL. Her chat log of conversations starts off with her asking him why he dumped her and her basically it sucks to be him cause he missed out. Honestly we all know have that kind of attention from an Ex boosts the ego and makes you feel better about yourself, so I'm hoping that is all it is. Otherwise, I'm pulling the rip-cord and figuring out how to not become poor from alimony LOL

Not sure how I would handle this situation. I would probably let her go and when she returned simply ask her how was your date? When she asked what you mean say your datedate with (insert name). But once she finds out you checked her facebook and email the s prolly gonna htf if you know what I mean. Good luck.

Originally posted by FissionSurplus
You're in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If you let her go and pretend that you don't know anything, it will eat you up inside. If you confront her, you will have to admit that you broke a bond of trust by hacking into her facebook and emails.

Having been through something similar, with disastrous results, may I offer the following suggestion:

Tell her that it sounds really fun to go skating and you would like to go too. If she belly-aches about just wanting "girl time" with her cousin, or saying who will watch the baby, tell her that you'll get a sitter and you three should all go together. Put her into a corner this way, so if she makes a big deal about you going along, you have much to worry about.

If she insists on going alone without you, I would press her as to why. Most cheaters are quick to exclude their spouse from their extra-marital activities. If you're lucky, she'll go to the rink and see that this guy is a disgusting loser. If you're not lucky, she'll start up with this creep and you will need a great deal of counseling to get over the betrayal.

Bottom line: You two have been together since she was a young teenager. She missed out on dating and all of that by being with you. The root cause may be that she is bored and wants a little excitement. You can provide that for her with a little creativity without breaking the bank.

Good luck.

This is probably your best bet right here, OP.
2nd

Originally posted by lilowl53
But ask yourself one thing...Are you guilty of doing this very same thing?

While there have been opportunities for this, I've always passed and went the other way. i love my wife and don't need any additional drama in my life.

Well, I told her that was fine.....

We can all have second thoughts...............

Perhaps...................
"Well, I know that I told you that was fine, but I've been wondering if you have something else to tell me?"

"Well, I know I told that was fine, then just thought we'd get sitter and both go! It's been a long time since I've (never) skated too--" ?

whatever---say it nicely and keep direct eye contact. If her eyes flitter up to the left, she is lying!

Good Luck

This isn't the first time she's went behind your back dude, sorry to say. This is the first time you caught her. Regardless of him being unemployed/drama/teeth like a british sailor/ect. she still has feeling of nostalgia to say the least. If it was me, i wouldn't say a word to her about it, when she got home her # would be on the lawn. Maybe i just had a bad experience with my ex, but it sounds eerily similar to yours. oh, and yes she was banging her ex.

Show her the Alaxander Back-hander sorry a joke usually uplifts the mood.

To be honest, call her out and if she gets mad at you for being a geek and hacking her FB and emails then remind her of the fact that if she DIDENT lie she wouldent have anything to be #'ed about. Then show her the door and tell her if she isint happy to get the # out the door and to stop wasting your time because if she's playing the field then shes wasting your life because your investing time with her and that could be time spent else where with someone that auctually wants you!

Its putting the onus on her, that she's the one thats going to screw the relationship up and if she wants to play away like that then get out the door! and play away! but dont expect the door to be open when she gets back.

Remember dont back down, women are the masters of manipulation stand your ground and dont let her shift the blame to you! and ill repeat that last part do not let her shift the blame to you! once she has you saying sorry she has you by the nutz.

Sometimes you have to be a c# in life but its better than being taken for a ride...............

Give her a half hour lead, find a babysitter and show up at the rink. Tell her you couldn't miss seeing the love of your life having so much fun without you.

Better to find out sooner than later. A sham is a sham. Sorry to hear about your issue.

I'm with everyone who said that you should ask to go too.

You might want to bear in mind that your wife hasn't seen this man for several years and he may have seemed 'safe' as a 14 year old, but she could be getting herself into a situation that could become 'awkward' to say the least.

She says she's going with her cousin but it still seems as if he's got an idea that he can take her for a drink by herself, then drive her home. So he may be reading more into things than she intends. And if she's an hour's drive from home, that's a long way away. Even if she was considering something more than friendship, if she doesn't like him when they meet up she'll have a disappointed man to deal with.

I don't know if you've exaggerated his faults, but if he is truly the way you've described him then your wife would be better advised to stay away from him.

If she takes you along there will be no doubt in his mind that she is 'off-limits' so, if you can find a way to get invited along I think it would be a good idea.

If you can't get the invitation, feign sickness on the night and say you need her to look after you. Or sneakily pinch the baby so he cries so much she can't go - sorry that's awful But really, don't let her go without you.

What about taking the baby along and wear a wig disguise with glasses. And watch from afar. That way you can actually witness how she acts around him. Facebook is evil. I got rid of mine about 6 months ago because my girlfriend went into mine. I sent a message to a female friend from highschool saying congratulations on being on the cover of st. louis brides magazine. Anyways my gf bit**ed at me and now I live without facebook.

ill shoot her a message tomorrow from work and tell her i was thinking about getting my parents to watch our son so i can go with her. feel it out from there...