posted on Aug, 30 2004 @ 02:15 PM
I have never actually experienced death, as in everytime I prepare to experience death I wake up. Dying in my dreams is my major reason for having
insomnia problems, at least one of the main ones. I experience insomnia in patterns, usually I get one pattern a year. Last year I had two, it's
slowly increasing as I get older. The pattern is I will go anywere from a week, at least, to 4-5 months with it. I've been insomnia free for around
5 months now, it seems to occur during winter quite more then any other time.
But anywho, back to the topic at hand. My dreams typically have some type of hostage situation and they had threaten to kill everyone over a period
of time. I always volunteer myself to be first because for some reason I always have this feeling that if I let myself go first, everyone else will
be freed by my death, giving whoever enough time to get into the place and do a rescue.
And the death dreams that I have once in a blue moon is me coming into the dream, already dying spending my last minutes of my life with any one
random person, each time it's different. No connection, some of them I don't know, some I do, but no connection between them has been made. I've
always been shot or stabbed saving this person.
But I think this is all based around my personality though in a way, because I've been a selfless person all my life, always putting everyone first,
jumping on the problems in high school so friends wouldn't get in trouble. Always being the first to jump on things causing other people problems,
and I'm a protector type, not jealous but protective. Ask my fiance, she knows the difference hah.
And another interesting thing is I have almost died a few times my life, most of them as a kid. Each time some type of lucky chance kept me alive.
The oddest one was my mom was driving through town with me and I was in my car seat, nothing abnormal, everything fine. Breathing perfect, all of
that good stuff ya know. And then all of a sudden she became panicy, her breathing shortened, and she thought I was dying. She started sweating and
became so worried about me she ran a red light and drove straight for the hospital. Oddly enough, even though they missed it at birth, they had found
3 holes in my heart and if something wasn't done within a week I would have died of heart failure, slowly have died without anyone noticing.
I tell you that because you know how everyone sorta has their own purpose, whether they realize it or not or if it's just some psychological
disorder. But I've always had a feeling that I'm here because I am going to die for some reason for someone. I'm not afraid of death, I know when
I die everything will continue, I'll be somewhere or I'll be nothing but worm food. Either way I'm fine with it, I've faced the fact I will die.
But, I've never came to face the reason why I will die. Everytime I think of death I always picture myself dying for someone or a group of people.
Anywho I guess I posted too much since it wasn't part of the post but just started typing.