I completely understand you Grouchy.
I am a schizoid. (Officially diagnosed with schizophrenia. But I so do hate that term... its too broad of an umbrella, with many misconceptions)
I suffer from anhedonia (Inability to feel pleasure) as well as blunted affect (limited emotions).
I very rarely experience pleasure, or emotions. As well I have a hard time relating to other people.
People might as well be holograms or robots. I see their bodies, but can't feel anything beyond.
The sexualized nature of this world baffles me.
I do not understand why sex is viewed as the primary goal of most of the population.
Well that is not entirely accurate. I understand it from a biological stand point, all life exists to procreate, but that is as far as it goes.
I will admit the physical sensation feels good, but I don't exactly believe in the whole, "If it feels good, do it' philosophy. Pleasure and enjoyment
in this sense is done as soon climax is achieved and the chemical released in the brain dissipates.
There needs to be a deeper meaning behind it, and as far as I see there is none. At least not for me.
When I was younger I believed sex to be one of two things. An expression of love. And a method for reproduction
For me love is a foreign concept. One I doubt I will ever experience, at least not when it comes to another human being.
As for reproduction. I don't want to bring another child into this world. Plain and simple.
My views on that may change in the future, but I doubt it.
I will tell you this. If I did somehow have a child, I would do everything in my ability to take care of them. Not just their physical needs, but
emotionally as well to the best of my abilities.
That kid will feel loved. I don't want that kid to become like me.
I view my condition as much a blessing as it is a curse, one of which I have attempted suicide in the past.
On one hand I am partially shielded from sadness. On the other hand I am incapable of fully experiencing happiness, joy, love as well as more negative
emotions such as anger and yes even sadness.
I honestly believe that everyone I know could die tonight, and I wouldn't shed a tear. I would miss them, but my heart wouldn't tear apart like it
should. And there is something screwed up about that.
Enough self pity. Back on topic.
I often describe myself as asexual, though I am sure it is quite inaccurate, as the female form does get me aroused. I just don't desire the act of
sex and physical contact that goes along with it.
Calling myself asexual is just easier than explaining my condition to most people. It's a lot easier (Or at least takes less words.) to explain
asexuality to a person than explaining schizophrenia or schizoidism.
Calling myself asexual almost always leads to an argument, though. People just do not understand how it is possible to not to be attracted men, women
or other; as well how it is possible for some one not desire sex.
In such cases I do not know who to pity more. Them for their ignorance, or myself.
As for women. I am definitely not the person to ask.
I could count the women I have been in a relationship with on my one hand, and none of them were ideal.
I have only been
with one women. And she is the one who screwed me over the most.
She was the only person I had ever cared for. Being in her presence made me feel invincible as though I could lift the heavens and the earth. She is
also the only person who has ever hurt me. Lets call her Mew.
Mew and I wen't out for a few months but broke up, due to her 'inability to stand my presence'
I then dated consecutively two of her friends. Both failed because apparently when I looked at Mew my eyes would 'get all fuzzy'.
Six months after Mew and I broke up I had gotten a part time job at Zellers and all of sudden she wanted to hang out with me again. I would buy her
things and in return we entered into a friends with benefits arrangement. I personally found the sexual interactions a bit mundane, and mostly focused
on pleasuring her. (In retrospect I think I had the idea of being a john a bit wrong. One is supposed to pay for sex. Not pay to pleasure the
I call her whore. Mainly because after a while I got caught stealing some products from work for her. And you know what she did? She goes around
telling everyone I was stalking her and had raped her.
All of my friends also happened to be her friends, and they all took her side. For the first time I felt truly alone.
This was 5 years ago and I still have not forgiven her for that. She is the only person I desire to see brutal things happen to them.
edit on 20-9-2011 by FreezingVoid because: (no reason given)