I'm so lonely I could die

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posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 07:47 PM
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I am getting to the point where I just want to explode in my mind. I have views of spirituality, conciousness, and reincarnation. I also meditate every day now. These are the keys that are holding me together thus far. I've spent all these years in life and never had anyone of the opposite sex open up to me. Well I had a 1 night stand a few years back but that did absolutely nothing for me. I am just so shy it's ridiculous. It's been 27 years of this life and I can't seem to open up to hardly open up to anyone period. Being lonely for so long has just made me emotionally cold and bitter. I know what kind of emotion comes out when I even slightly think about the word relationship. Whenever I get around a woman I even remotely like, I am just speechless. Hell, sometimes I just see an attractive woman and it just makes me depressed. It's almost like I have an uncontrollable phobia. I have been living out a self defeating prophecy for the past 15 years. To top it off, I don't have any physical traits making me feel this way either. (well, acne killed all the confidence I had in highschool) My job doesn't help me either.

Sometimes I wake up and just cry because I have to go to my job (fast food). Just working there makes me feel like a slave. Other than my last job, every job i've quit in the past was because I can't even manage to walk in the door without crying and/or feeling sorry for myself. I just have little will to make it to the next day. I'll stay at a job for about a year or maybe a few months more and just deal with it depressing me. Then, I just break down so badly and end up in an unpleasent situation. How can one serve the public with a face full of tears? Nobody should have to live like that.

I don't know anyone that is open about the fact they have never even had their first kiss until they were 24 like I am being now. People are too judgemental. But it seems I am a product of my generation, and it has become more and more common these days for people wander through life lonely in my exact situation. I can just look and talk to people for a minute and spot one out now. I medicated my loneliness with a combination of weed and video games for the most part. Now, It's pretty much no change there except I meditate now and can't smoke because i'm on probation. (which the meditation helps ALOT)

Alright I am done pleading my negative cases. There is an upside to every downside. Out of all this chaos has spawned a few positive outcomes. My taste in music for one, is unparallel to anyone I have ever met in my life. Also, If it wasn't for conspiracies, I would not be into spirituality and conciousness at all. They just intertwine so well. The past year has been the biggest stepping stone to enlightenment about the universe around me. Yet, out of all these great truths that have been revealed I still manage to get depressed. Now it just keeps getting worse again. I just have to confront all these skeletons in the closet. I have put more effort than I ever have in the past. In fact it just made me feel better at the moment just expressing this paragraph.

I've attempted to take my life once in the past and now i'm living in a house with easy access to a gun. It just feels so convenient to just take this vessel out and start a new quest from scratch. I am a pretty firm believer in reincarnation due to the fact of overwhelming evidence. If I continue this journey alone for too much longer I might just go through with it. Don't even think for one second i'm bluffing because i've tried it once. Maybe not today or even the next few years. Continuing on like this just keeps building my wall higher. It's becoming harder to climb. Hopefully the apocalyptic prophecies come true soon and do the work for me. I have no plans for the future as I don't see a good one. I'm not even going by conspiracies on that last statement. The economy is crumbling as we speak.

Alright I know I have spoke my mind alot right now, but this where I pose a question for people. How is one supposed to love anyone else if they don't even love themself? At the same time I never had any female companion around my age is one of the reasons I get so depressed. It seems like a catch 22. I could try to seek out a relationship more actively but end up leaving someone else with nothing but emotional baggage. Either that or just sit here and continue on being depressed about never having found an intimate female companion once in my life.

Any positive input is welcome.
edit on 15-9-2011 by religiousmurder because: oops




posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 07:53 PM
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Well, I can tell you one thing for sure - find a different job. The fast food industry is one of the worst places to work on earth.

On the personal level, you know the food you're serving is pure crap. You're serving it to a herd of animals that are merely attempting to get a "food high" from it, not to actually nourish their bodies. Your customers are probably the exact type of people you despise. You actually hate them for coming to your place of work to eat.

True enough?



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 07:57 PM
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Stay strong, my friend.

I truly empathise with you...I understand what you're going through & that thinga are tough.

Just remember, in this world, you are not the only person suffering...You are not alone in this aspect.

So keep your head up.

One thing I've learnt (so far) in life...Is that, if you do not try, you will never know. That is one thing I swear by, when it comes to dating & stuff. Believe me, I've missed out on a lot, all because I was too shy, or had a "can't-be-bothered" mentality. & I still regret a lot of things..

What do you have to lose, if you approach a girl, you like? It's worth a try.

Life may seem bad right now, but everything can change in an instant...You gotta keep tryin', for what it's worth.

Out of one good thing, will lead to another good thing...

So, try to tackle every new day, with some optimism & spring in your step...That way, it'll change your mentality...& from there, you'll start to see changes in your life.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:00 PM
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heres what you need a hooker


or a asian massage


i assure you they both will pick you up

You say one night stands don't do it for you .. but that was so long ago

but when you pay them then there is no shyness because you are there master for half hour or hour lol


men think with there penis most of the time

so when its not happy or getting any action you can see it reflect back upon your daily routine


some car sales men say if they don't have sex they can't sell cars lol


you just gootta find a arrangement as a sugar daddy , or a escort on a regular basis

or maybe find a girlfriend online free dating site


take care of your little general and it will take care of you



remember just be glad your even alive and have health compared to how many other people who have no jobs and very bad health ?

everyday the fact you can walk into work , you should be appreciative and see the beauty in the simple things !

all the little things u appreciate add up to make a more delightful day !

keep ur mind busy as much as u can so it has no time to think about foolishness!


get back on your horse solider !



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:03 PM
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I have a buddy that has the same problem as you, but he's only 15. Everyone feels this way at some point in their life, some longer than others. I believe you really need to find someone, anyone you can trust and drop your feelings on to. Though it is extremely hard to find someone to trust in this world, there is always someone out there that has the same feelings, and they need someone to talk to as well.
It doesn't even need to be a member of the opposite sex, just someone you can trust to help you. As for your job, we all are slaves no matter what our occupation. There's too much darkness and sadness in this world. We all need to overcome the pitch black of sorrow and pain, and ignite the dying flame of this world. You don't need to love yourself to bring light into other people's hearts. Don't go for that gun, say f*** it all and do something crazy like help out a homeless person, or even help the fat people at your fast-food stop to lose weight.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:03 PM
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Maybe as a start join a sporting team or book club or something social to begin. I'd recommend volunteering as it will help you find people who are truly good and from there I'm pretty sure you could build a relationship with someone.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:07 PM
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First a hug! You are way too hard on yourself young man. Please do not take your life. There are so many people who have thought of suicide and years later are grateful they never went through with it. Just because things have been crappy for you, doesn't mean it will always be that way hun.

Try opening up a little to others. Keep topics light at first until you get to know the other person. There are probably many women who are interested in you, but if you close yourself off to them and stay in your shell, you'll never know. One step at a time. One day at a time. Things will eventually fall into place. A simple smile and easy conversation could open more doors for you.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:08 PM
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firstly hi, i stumbled onto this thread but after reading i couldnt just leave the page without saying anything. let me say that you are not alone in your depression, i beleive that most people are depressed about something or another, mine is due to a severe lack of money and the feeling of inadequacy when it comes to supporting my family. my advice if you want it, is to just take each day as it comes. i hope you find what your looking for and ill keep my fingures crossed for you



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:08 PM
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To attract people to you, you have to embrace being alone. Think of the freedom you have when being alone. No one to hold you accountable, know one else you have to consider when making decisions.
When you are actively looking for someone, that person seems to elude you, but when you are comfortable in your own skin and with being alone, people will automatically be attracted to you.
Edit to say, learning to love yourself may take some time, but it's something you need to do. You are here, so you have to be somewhat intelligent and aware, that's a good start. Another helpful hint is to start exercising. It does wonders for your mood and self confidence.
edit on 15-9-2011 by calstorm because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:10 PM
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Yes I do despise the crowd I serve. I have an unhealthy diet which I know for a fact is causing this. All these poisons in society have more than likely taken a toll on my mind. I'm glad you brought that up because I wasn't thinking about it a while ago. I have a terrible diet and I can't gain weight even if I tried. (sorry my metabolism is insane) I really want to change this, but I live in a meat and potatoes household. Good luck getting a well balanced meal around here. Plus i've been eating garbage for so long I can't stand the taste of anything green or veggies. I have a plan for that already aligned in the future. I just need to find a job where I can support myself on my own. My brother and his wife have been a vegan for more than a decade and I can learn from him. The fact I can't get a job to support myself solo is just a big unclimbable hole for me. Those jobs don't exist without a college degree here or staying at a job for 6 years. If I stack college with work that will only lead to more frustration and stress. Another catch for me. Alright back to the crowd I serve. If you come five minutes before close you might just get a surprise and I guarantee you wont notice it. I'm serving their karma swiftly. if you think you are getting sanitary food as well you are living in a dream world at fast food. They set the standards of service so high it's just not possible. That just gives big money corporations a reason to fire you and let you know you are garbage.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:10 PM
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reply to post by religiousmurder
 


Okay, for starters: I love you. I don't know you, but I promise I love you.

With that said, you gotta get out there, man! You gotta live this life. "Knowing" all of these spiritual insights is nothing if you can't live it anywhere outside of your mind. (I'm not trying to get on you, but this, I believe, is what you need to hear.)
I've been in the same boat before. Really. And I got into spirituality after getting myself lost in all of the conspiracies too. Although, I realized, that in a way, I have been steered towards spiritual quests my entire life, i just never knew where it was taking me.
Anyway, do you know about The Law of Attraction? If not, I would recommend looking into it. Basically, we pull out physical experiences into existences based on the level that we are vibrating at. If you continue to 'want' all of this to change, all you are going to get is more 'want.' So therefore, you have to be the change that you want. You have to live the love you know is all around you. You have to give it out and see how happy giving genuine to someone makes them feel, and thus makes you feel, and I'm not talking about romantic love.
You sound like a very intelligent person with a great heart. I can tell that from reading your post.
But like someone else said, you've gotta get out of your job. Get a new one. You have to do what makes you happy, because you have to be vibrating at a happier level in order to continue to receive the bountiful gits this universe has for you.
As for killing yourself, I honestly hope that you do not. I think every life is worth living. And as for reincarnation goes, I also believe that if you die at a low vibration without ever raising yourself (and others) up, then you will reincarnate at a lower level of energy. Meaning you will be 'dealt' even a harder life where the lessons will seem that much more difficult. But that's just my opinion.
As for the future, it is our responsibility to envision a brighter future! It is impossible to make this world better if we can't 'imagine' it. Envisioning it is the only way we can truly manifest it. This is all tied in to the Law of Attraction as well.
Again, you are smart, with a good heart and fully capable of doing ANYTHING you put your mind to, you just have to DO IT, and to accept the fact that you can not be someone else.
You can change the world, or at bare minimum, your life! Which will thus change your world, I promise.
Give people a chance to love you. And love them without any judgment or expectations.
I promise there are really really really good people in this world still that are all vibrating at a high level. And the higher you vibrate the more of them will be attracted in to your life. I promise.
Do something every day that makes you happy.
Do something completely random and nice for a stranger.
Expect to see angels in all places, in all faces.
Say a prayer (set an intent) to find people to help on your journey.
Remember to look at the beauty that surrounds you!
Be the change you wish to see in this world.
You know all of this! You got it!
You even know the only thing keeping you back is your very own mind. :-p
I promise you are fully capable of doing this life in a way that makes you smile.
I promise you are fully capable of doing this life in a way that makes other people smile!
I love you.
I love you.
God bless.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:12 PM
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Get some professional help , If you're thinking of suicide ,you really need to get help ......You don't have the worst job in the world , I do , I work at a funeral home, I deal with the dead everyday and I see a lot of suicides by gunshot , It's not pretty. You need to learn to love life because you only get one , so don't F#CK IT UP!!!



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:16 PM
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reply to post by eleven44
 


That was very profound, & well-said, eleven.

It's people like you, that help me, to keep my head up, when every day seems to be a struggle.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:17 PM
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reply to post by religiousmurder
 


Please please please, do your best to start eating healthier. I wouldn't recommend going vegan, but try to incorporate some organic veggies into your diet. If not possible, at least start with a good quality dietary supplement.
Eleven44 had some really good advice, that I urge you to consider.

Bless



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:20 PM
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hey, I'm 20.. I have struggled with drug issues in the past (clean now) and I'm yet to have a single relationship, just a long chain of meaningless one night stands, sure that tears me apart inside.. but I always remember that everything happens for a reason. Use your dis-satisfaction of life to motivate yourself to push for change. I recently have started meditation, I have gone from my lowest low to a pretty good place in life in such a short time just by telling myself that I will not accept failure! I still would want a relationship.. as I don't know what love even feels like, but none the less I figure its for a reason.

feel free to send me a message and chat, I have helped many friends through times like this because I have been there.

Our thoughts and actions are based on perception of reality.

You must first change your point of view and see that everything is circumstantial. Commit to change and you will see it,



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:23 PM
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reply to post by eleven44
 


I admit that was pretty uplifting. I guess i've taken a step as i've signed up for a few dating sites. Thank you for that comments. Not just you even. Thank everyone. Actually, I agree with your outlook. I have just not taken action.
edit on 15-9-2011 by religiousmurder because: oops



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:23 PM
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Try to recall the happy, optimistic child inside of you. Remember when the air smelled sweet and the thought of being able to fly when pure joy invaded your dreams. Remember the cool morning breeze as you walked to the park to go play with your freinds and the sound of the birds chirping in the trees. Remember how free it was to be a child.

Remember what you thought your future would be like, remember what you liked to do most? Who did you think you would go up to be? What did you want to learn how to do?

Now go do it. Find a path do to fun things. Start with the smallest and work your way out of your box. Take a class or join a YMCA or community center and meet new people. Expand your horizons.

You can do it!



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:26 PM
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reply to post by religiousmurder
 


OP, I understand how you feel. I used to work at a restaurant and from eating all their garbage food, I ended up getting hypertension and wondering what the hell was going on with me back then.

I used to also think, from reading all those New Age NDE books with nothing put love and light and Hell and Evil Conspicuously left out or laughed off as a state of mind, that there was nothing but a brand new life to look forward to after death, but turns out, from reading Hell NDEs and even NDEs of people who tried to commit suicide, that that is part of the grand new age deception, and that not everybody who dies is being re-incarnated.

Yes, there seems to be a select group that probably has experienced this legit technology which might belong to the freemasons and the shadow government, but who knows if these guys also have accepted the mark of the beast 666 to have access to it.



edit on 15-9-2011 by Pocky because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:30 PM
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reply to post by windword
 


Well probably one of my happiest childhood moments I can recall is the first time I hopped on a bike. Believe it or not the first time I got on a bike I was riding and not busting my butt from balance. Although I wasn't good with the brakes.



posted on Sep, 15 2011 @ 08:34 PM
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Originally posted by seedofchucky
heres what you need a hooker


or a asian massage


i assure you they both will pick you up

You say one night stands don't do it for you .. but that was so long ago

but when you pay them then there is no shyness because you are there master for half hour or hour lol


men think with there penis most of the time

so when its not happy or getting any action you can see it reflect back upon your daily routine


some car sales men say if they don't have sex they can't sell cars lol


you just gootta find a arrangement as a sugar daddy , or a escort on a regular basis

or maybe find a girlfriend online free dating site


take care of your little general and it will take care of you



remember just be glad your even alive and have health compared to how many other people who have no jobs and very bad health ?

everyday the fact you can walk into work , you should be appreciative and see the beauty in the simple things !

all the little things u appreciate add up to make a more delightful day !

keep ur mind busy as much as u can so it has no time to think about foolishness!


get back on your horse solider !

LOL'
Talk about missing the point!

IMHO, your self confidence is so far down it's practically subteranean.
Don't allow anybody to say that your job reflects your true self. Use it!!!
Instead of using your hard earned cash to buy weed (been there)
save even 10% of what you earn and invest it in you! Save for a college degree in whatever obscure subject you love. Whatever you are passionate about!
No woman (person) is attracted to a loser and only your own perception of yourself determines who you are. Its the easy way out to pay for attention but at the end of the day I don't think that that is not what you seek.

You must spend some time (and sacrifice) to determine who you are in yourself. I bet it drives you crazy that ugly jerks can attract women and you as a decent man feels ignored. Confidence is everything, and that will only come from building yourself up.
Decent honest men are rare and you have a headstart over the handsome (doesn't last) arrogant tossers. who will not realise its too late to develop a personality till its too late and their looks/money fades.

Enjoy being you, it's all you have. and if someone of the opposite sex recognises your true self then you will be one of the lucky ones.
Be yourself. and enjoy more importantly being yourself. A modicum of confidence in your own personality will weave magic for you. I urge any female ATS'ers to back me up on this one.

Ugly is on the inside and usually cannot be seen.





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