10 Classic Resume Bloopers

My daughter found this somewhere and forwarded it to me... I thought to share...
I would have posted this under jokes but the truth is I see these very same mistakes everyday...
check your resumes for these blunders... have someone else read it for you too...I'd hate to see anyone lose their dream job because of a typo

10 Classic Resume Bloopers

1. “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”

Just what every employer is looking for -- an expert in passing the buck.

2. “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”

Sales managers aren’t likely to be impressed with this self-proclaimed underachiever.

3. “Dramatically increased exiting account base, achieving new company record.”

If customer accounts were leaving in droves as this statement implies, it’s probably fair to assume that this candidate also tanked as a top sales producer.

4. “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”

Every hiring manager is searching for employees who exceed budgets by millions of dollars.

5. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.”

This person is either showcasing compulsively stubborn management qualities, or he has a challenging product packaging/storage problem.

6. “Participated in the foamation of a new telecommunications company.”

This job seeker was also in charge of bubble control.

7. “Promoted to district manger to oversee 37 retail storefronts.”

This is a common resume typo. There must be literally thousands of mangers looking for jobs in today’s modern world. Here’s a tip: Use your word-processing program’s find/replace feature to correct this common mistake. You can also modify your application’s spelling dictionary so it won’t recognize the word “manger.”

8. “Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals.”

Many of us have had a boss like this at some point in our careers, but you usually don’t find them being so frank about their leadership inadequacies.

9. “I am seeking a salary commiserate with my training and experience.”

There are a couple problems with this statement. To begin with, salary requirements don’t belong on a resume. Secondly, a salary should be “commensurate” with experience (meaning proportionate to), not “commiserate” with (meaning to express sympathy for).

10. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”

Sounds like a fun job. Sign me up...

Here's some funny CV's from my side of the pond.

» “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

» “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

» “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

» “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

» “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

» “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

» “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

» “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

» “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

» “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”

» “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

www.cobrajobs.com...

reply to post by wigit


Could have been worse...
they could have Finished eighth in my class of six

sorry, no offense, but i just dont get the joke. i read the lines, but cannot find anything funny.
weird.

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”

lol

sounds like us aye?

Originally posted by icepack
sorry, no offense, but i just dont get the joke. i read the lines, but cannot find anything funny.
weird.

Really...

Directed $25 million anal shipping

obviously this person wasn't using FedEx

How about some classic 'letters to local council' bloopers?

Genuine Council Complaints
-extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.


I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

www.mornington-crescent-rule.fsnet.co.uk...

reply to post by DaddyBare


Oh that is classic. By the end I was laughing out loud. I don't know if it makes it funnier or just sad to know these aren't made up, but almost certainly did appear on real world resumes. Either way, you lightened my mood for an hour or two with this list. Many thanks for the thread!

Originally posted by DaddyBare
reply to post by wigit

 

Could have been worse...
they could have Finished eighth in my class of six

Ah jeeze, my dad used to say he finished tenth in a class of nine and would laugh and laugh...we always just wondered how that happened...lol

CJ

Big S&F for you Gunny. That had me rollin.' Widget got a couple of stars too; I especially liked the council letters.

"Burnt my knob off."

Dear [blank]:
I am currently seeking unemployment with your company. My adverse skill sets makes me an imperfect candidate for your open position. Because I am highly creative, I can delay projects in new and innovative ways. I work ineffectively on a team and can independently forget assignments.
I am a hasty learner and have the rigidity to halt a variety of tasks at once without feeling overwhelmed. I am inept at paying attention to detail and problem creation. I am an ungenuine and culpable employee.
I have a BS degree in Psychology. As part of my education, I learned cheap research skills. In addition to research, I focused my education on cheating strategies. Because of my studies, I can present information in ways that the confounds the average reader. All of my previous employers libeled me for my job performance.

reply to post by applebaum


Hey now...
who gave you permission to reprint my cover letter????
BTW you forgot to add my "Seeking a party-time position"

Originally posted by DaddyBare
reply to post by applebaum

 

Hey now...
who gave you permission to reprint my cover letter????
BTW you forgot to add my "Seeking a party-time position"

hehe this is a fun playful topic. I really love it.

Originally posted by DaddyBare
reply to post by applebaum

 

Hey now...
who gave you permission to reprint my cover letter????
BTW you forgot to add my "Seeking a party-time position"

Best line yet...party time position lol....

CJ