My first book.. Intro.. Opinions please, page
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ATS Members have flagged this thread 3 times
Topic started on 8-9-2011 @ 05:22 PM by nakiannunaki
As the morning sun rose, its rays pierced through the slight opening between a worn set of curtains, the sunlight slowly moving across Christophe’s sleeping body. It was a very hot day that had barely cooled at all throughout the previous evening and the sweat from an uncomfortable nights sleep soaked parts of his pillow. The sun’s piercing light slowly moved over Christophe’s eyes. He rolled over in disapproval, quickly turning his sweaty back to the majestic ball in the sky.

Half asleep and half awake, he could hear the unrelenting chirping of the male Robins marking their territory, the persistent sounds eventually waking him. Christophe walked over to the curtains and drew them apart. Excluding the Robins, it was a relatively quiet morning and as he gazed down from his bedroom window he could see the east London estate he had spent the last 16 years of his life, living on.

He went over to his computer and turned it on. He sat looking at the monitor with sleep in his eyes, half glazed over from a broken nights sleep. Eventually he managed to log on to a website, the banner at the top of the page read “ATS Abovetopsecret.com Deny Ignorance”. This was Christophe’s normal morning pit stop. He was a daily participant on the ATS forums and enjoyed the many contributions from those of like mind. Abovetopsecret.com was a site for Conspiracy Theorists mainly but also for those who appreciated alternative news and information on the more taboo subjects that were not normally discussed in social circles in the real world. Christophe felt this was the perfect outlet for his thoughts, feelings and beliefs with the promise of anonymity.

For many years Christophe had frequented the many boards adding countless posts and receiving his fair share of stars and flags for his contributions although he never become attached to any of the members enough to form any sort of bond. He was very private regarding the many thoughts and opinions he had mainly due to the past reactions he received from friends and family when discussing such topics. He felt as though the people around him were content to simply go about their daily lives without having to question their reality and existence. He however fell into the habit of doing the exact opposite.

It was a few minutes past 8am in the morning and after browsing for 20 or so minutes Christophe went into the kitchen to fix himself a strong coffee which he would do every morning to go alongside his morning smoke. Sophia, his flat mate had already left for work by then. She had moved into Christophe’s one bedroom flat about 5 months earlier after he was introduced to her by his now ex-girlfriend. He thought it would be a good way to generate an additional income and when he met her he instantly took a liking to her soft, sweet nature.

Sophia was living in London after having moved there from Spain to learn the language and advance her career. She was about 5’8, slim and had shoulder length brown hair. She would on occasion don a pair of reading glasses and could go from looking like a relaxed and sweet casual flat mate in her grey, cotton jogging bottoms and tee-shirt to a more studious and focused intellectual once her reading glasses were on. Christophe had an affinity for Sophia but did not risk mixing business with pleasure and so over the 5 months of living together they had formed a good platonic friendship.

I have a really good plot line with lots of twists and turns... just wondering what you all thought of what i got down so far..

Thanks
edit on 8-9-2011 by nakiannunaki because: (no reason given)



reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 05:23 PM by Open2Truth
reply to post by nakiannunaki



I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.

Edit: Thank you for breaking it up a little, my eyes are not what they used to be!!

I like it. I would have different suggestions depending on what form you think your working towards - short story, book, etc. The longer the project, the more I would suggest withholding some of the descriptors (like of ATS), teasing the reader to disclose more later. However, this wouldn't be as effective in shorter forms.

Keep up the good work. IMHO writing is something that progresses when we engage in it, but flounders when we don't just write first, critique & mold later.
edit on 9/8/2011 by Open2Truth because: because I never seem to get it right the first time.



reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 05:28 PM by nakiannunaki
Originally posted by Open2Truth
reply to
post by nakiannunaki



I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.


Hope that's more legible

Thanks



reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 05:29 PM by Lono1
reply to post by nakiannunaki



Sage advice from a master:
Kill all unnecessary words, and try to limit the use of adverbs... (from Stephen Kings: On Writing. Memoirs of the craft)


reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 05:30 PM by Lono1
reply to post by nakiannunaki



But...other than that, Im digging it. Good job so far!


reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 05:32 PM by nakiannunaki
Originally posted by Lono1
reply to
post by nakiannunaki



Sage advice from a master:
Kill all unnecessary words, and try to limit the use of adverbs... (from Stephen Kings: On Writing. Memoirs of the craft)


Thanks. Is it possible you can give me an example from the text in the OP please?


reply posted on 8-9-2011 @ 06:20 PM by nakiannunaki
Originally posted by Open2Truth
reply to
post by nakiannunaki



I haven't finished reading yet, but you may get more feedback if you can break into paragraphs or outline form. Will edit when finished reading material.

Edit: Thank you for breaking it up a little, my eyes are not what they used to be!!

I like it. I would have different suggestions depending on what form you think your working towards - short story, book, etc. The longer the project, the more I would suggest withholding some of the descriptors (like of ATS), teasing the reader to disclose more later. However, this wouldn't be as effective in shorter forms.

Keep up the good work. IMHO writing is something that progresses when we engage in it, but flounders when we don't just write first, critique & mold later.
edit on 9/8/2011 by Open2Truth because: because I never seem to get it right the first time.


Hi Opentotruth and thanks for your feedback. My aim is to make it a book. I think i will write a few more pages then post them here as the story so far is too short to get a real feel for where its heading like a poster mentioned. I will get back to work and hopefully get something out over the weekend.

Thanks again


reply posted on 10-9-2011 @ 12:55 AM by bluemirage5
reply to post by nakiannunaki



I almost fell asleep after the 2nd paragraph......do I need to try and rest the rest?


reply posted on 12-9-2011 @ 11:30 AM by Lono1
reply to post by nakiannunaki





As the morning sun rose, its rays pierced through the slight opening between a worn set of curtains, the sunlight slowly moving across Christophe’s sleeping body.


Well, I would set the stage with the description of the scene first, before revealing names...but thats just me.

"... was slowly revealed as the morning light penetrated the curtains. " or something to that effect...

Just my .02 cents anyway. But all that comes out in the draft.

2d draft size= 2/3 of the first draft.
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