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Another poem: In Consequence and Irony

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posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 09:54 PM
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Another small poem of mine. This one clearly has to do with our society at large.

In Consequence and Irony

When we seek to imply,
that we have found undying truth,
then clearly we conspire,
to provide a lie as proof,

To each his own,
so it's been said,
surely this phrase,
belong's to the dead,


For one small coin,
cannot be flipped,
to land on luck,
for those unfit,

The spectrum only widens,
to conceal the obscure,
for this is our fate,
the demise of the cure,

Embrace the destruction,
of even a thought,
for this is our land,
in consequence.....
our plot.




posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 10:08 PM
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reply to post by toxicblud
 


Down with it toxic.

What a blast THAT was.
Do me a favor please?
Don't start another thread for a day or so that I might let this one simmer for a moment or so.



posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 10:26 PM
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reply to post by TerryMcGuire
 


Strangely enough, I'm not quite sure if I should take this as an insult or a compliment.
I suppose most people do not give literature it's just respect. But thank you for your reply anyhow.



posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 10:47 PM
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so, thoughts, both writerly and otherwise.
i'll try and segregate your words and mine, but stanza by stanza seems like the only way to reply.

In Consequence and Irony
leaving me with the very readerly pre-question, consequence of what and, curiosity as to the juxtaposition of irony and consequence, one seems by its nature non serious, the other, essentially so.

When we seek to imply,
that we have found undying truth,
then clearly we conspire,
to provide a lie as proof,


when we seek to imply
undying found truth
then clearly we conspire
providing lies as proof.


the 'that' in your line, really fowled up the meter for me reading it aloud. it undersells the rhythm you establish earlier on, and I think may be totally unnecessary. then again, maybe it is. all a matter of taste and sound.

conspire says lies to me, and it seems a little quick to return to the same image. i'm also curious about the we.

To each his own,
so it's been said,
surely this phrase,
belong's to the dead,


i think this is the beginning of a really great stanza, and that there are maybe four lines missing in-between 'said' and 'surely.'

For one small coin,
cannot be flipped,
to land on luck,
for those unfit,


so far you've had 'we' and 'the dead' and now there's the 'unfit.' none of these three characters are very favorable folk are they? and what would the coin be, who would be flipping it, why would they?

The spectrum only widens,
to conceal the obscure,
for this is our fate,
the demise of the cure,


you never established that there was a cure. the only thing I can find is in the earlier stanza when you saw 'we offer lies as proof.' then, the our is the communal reader from the earlier we? then the demise is the end of lying? the end of fake proof? the demise of the cure then, being, the end of truth? is truth concealed behind a widened spectrum? it's been called a light a lot?

Embrace the destruction,
of even a thought,
for this is our land,
in consequence.....
our plot.


we're all doing it to ourselves, huh?



posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 10:57 PM
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reply to post by notionfreely
 


The passages I write are called "poems" for lack of a better title. It always comes out as stream of consciousness. When a thought rises, you must put it to paper. My editor and I are always arguing about this. I believe that writing is an emotion, not a system. For to apply any system would only oppress the message. All that I write can be left open to the readers interperatation and I want it that way. Left untouched by the hand that seeks to rule it. I thank you for your advice anyhow.



posted on Aug, 31 2011 @ 11:34 PM
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reply to post by toxicblud
 

Really. The sense you brought out in your words, though displaying numerous places in which you might want to improve, displays an artistic perception of things.
Thanks for it.



posted on Sep, 1 2011 @ 12:11 AM
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reply to post by toxicblud
 


if it makes you feel better, I generally feel the same way, however there's something to the process of revision that has value. not so much in a back correcting way, but more of a forward qualification.

because language itself is already a heavily comodified system, and as an author your position to said system should be in constant flux.
edit on 1-9-2011 by notionfreely because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 1 2011 @ 12:21 AM
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reply to post by notionfreely
 


I appreciate your advice. But I'm a bit of a literature-nazi when it comes to my own work. It is what it is. I value your views regardless.



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