Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins
BUFFALO, NY—Following their thrilling 38-35 week-two victory over the Oakland Raiders Sunday, the Buffalo Bills expressed confusion over what
the hell they were supposed to do with their two wins now that they have them. "I hope we get to keep these, because a lot of the guys really like
these wins," said quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, helping teammates build a special shelf in the corner of the locker room where the team intends to
keep the wins. "I bet you if we lose this week the league will try to take them away from us, but we're not going to let ’em. We love these
wins." As of press time, several players had asked head coach Chan Gailey whether the NFL had a rewards program in which wins could be cashed in for
flight upgrades or similar prizes.
Some recent draft news.
Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one
minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee .
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Auburn .
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell:
6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler , Texas . Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.
Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
Signed with the University of Houston .
Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude
said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20. Signed with the University of Oklahoma .
Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing
No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's. Signed with the University of Alabama .
Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone
Company. Signed with University of Miami .
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many
other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track
meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.