To help explain my dilemma I must give a bit of background information. There have always been strange experiences which have taken place
throughout my life. What some would call “paranormal events” have featured prominently throughout my existence. However, I always thought I was
unique in that I could not accept them as real until quite recently. It seems like so many people out there can just admit this reality to themselves
while I say “no, it can’t be” or “why would this be happening to me.” I actually believe that I would not seek any type of esoteric
knowledge had it not been for my strange experiences. I have a girlfriend and two dogs; I am a gym rat and also work in a psychiatric/crisis center.
On the outside I appear to be a perfectly acceptable member of society (whatever that amounts to) but there is turmoil growing inside. This has caused
me to look for answers outside of the mainstream. It has brought me to places like ATS where I can ask the questions I need answers to without fear of
backlash. So here we go with the story…..
My girlfriend takes part in what is called a “prosperity group.” In this group members call each other on the phone and to read
gratitudes and/or and recite positive passages from books which are given to them in their monthly meetings. My girlfriend was conducting a prosperity
call one night while I anxiously waited for her so we could head to the gym. I paced back and forth because it was late and we were going to have to
rush to the gym since it was already almost closing time, finally I just accepted our lateness. It was winter and I was cold in my gym shorts so I
leaned myself over one of the heating vents in our kitchen. Standing there I suddenly had incredible feeling sweep over me. Now I have taken a few
Buddhist courses and this had to be the feeling commonly known as “enlightenment.” I saw everything and was everything and knew everything all at
once. My girlfriend got off the phone and started talking to me and realized that her boyfriend had left the building. She began asking me questions
and I had amazing answers to even the most complex ones. She was genuinely awestruck but began to cry because she did not know what this meant for us.
Did I just become Buddha? What was she to do with her life now? Questions like these surfaced and as quickly as the “enlightenment” had come on, I
lost it. At the time, as the experience faded away, there was an assurance from the omnipresence I felt that return to this place of peace was easily
Now as I stated earlier, I work in a psychiatric facility so I am no stranger to mental illness in every one of its forms. I did massive
amounts of self-analysis for months afterward, I was terrified of what all of this meant for me. A part of me sought answers and the other part of me
deprecated heavily any of its attempts to expand upon what had happened. I felt a massive dichotomy growing within myself and for months was in a form
of active denial. I stayed away from metaphysical conversations in general and focused on political discussions or other “worldly” interests and
desires. It became perfectly clear that I needed to do something about my situation when I lost interest in bodybuilding. If you knew anything about
me then you would know that lifting is not something I take lightly (get the pun there? A pretty bad one I must admit). Once this happened I sought
out answers on ATS and Youtube but have yet to come across anything which resonates with me.
I realize I have dragged this on long enough so I will get to the questions I have for you all now.
1. I haven’t meditated for years, I watch TV (though at the time of the incident I hadn’t for about two months), I do not actively seek
enlightenment and I drink on occasion. So it would seem from my research that I am not a candidate for this sort of thing, so my first question is:
“Why did it take place?”
2. I am not a poet so I cannot describe it to you in stunning enough detail the "oneness" I felt, but believe me when I say that it was amazing. I
felt love, plain and simple, everyone tosses around the word but I understood what it was to “live” love even if it was only for a short time. So
my second question is: “Why does someone like me deserve to feel that and not everyone else as well?” I am convinced the world would change if
they could have only one minute of my time in “that place.”
3. Third question: “Has anyone else experienced this ‘enlightenment’ for only a short time like I have?” It has always been portrayed as
something you must dedicate your entire life to achieving and then you get to bask in its glow for eternity.
4. I mentioned in the first paragraph that this was not my first strange experience. Throughout my life I have seen things and had psychic episodes
which were verified by those around me. These mostly occurred when I was younger (my mother says her family line carries this trait) and also for
about a year before I discovered ATS, hence my joining. So apparently I either carry a genetic form of mild schizophrenia or I am “gifted.” So my
fourth question is: “What is the use of this trait in our world today?” I could understand its use in maybe a tribal setting but in this day and
age it just seems to interfere with everyday living.
Thank you all for bearing with my long-winded explanation. I look forward to hearing your any answers that you may have.
edit on 20-8-2011 by