adopted adults...are you out there on ATS?

Seeking out other adult adopted adults out there on ATS.

I was adopted at 4 months of age...many years ago...45 to be exact. I have 2 older adopted brothers, one died at the age of 5, and younger adopted sister.

My adopted parents always reminded me how much I owed them,,,they "rescued" me after all.

My birth mother found me when I was 16...I will never forget answer that call from my birth mother...I KNEW her voice!

I was 16 (a few days after my 16th birthday)...I came home from school, the phone rang, I answered it. The voice on the other end said "Is X there, I responded, this is X...the other end become silent...Some thing inside me said "this is your mother"...

Moments later I heard, "I am your mother"...I already Knew she was. it was a voice I never heard before, yet I already knew her voice (if that makes any sense).

I found out that I had an older brother (full - blooded), who I eventually met a couple years later. I have 4 younger 1/2 brothers. I went from having an older adopted brother (I had 2 in my early years) and an adopted younger sister...to an older full blooded brother, 4 younger 1/2 brothers, an adopted sister and two adopted brothers. My "family" exploded in a matter of moments.

My adopted parents were not like many I have known. They are very 'threatened' by my biological parent(s). I had no choice in being given up. I had no choice to be adopted. It was not any thing I had control over. Yet, even in my mid 40's, my adopted mother thinks she can control me. She is still threatened by my adopted mother and brother, and half brothers.

For years, I tried to protect her...keep her from "the truth", that I had a relationship with my brother, 1/2 brothers, and natural mother. I wanted to know where I came from. I wanted to know why she gave me up. I wanted to know my brothers. I just wanted to KNOW every thing!

I think it is natural. I think any adopted person wants to know where they originated from.

I think its normal, natural, and part of human nature..not some thing a one born into a family can ever understand. If you know you are being raised by others other than your own parents..you will "naturally" have questions. Until they are answered, they will remain.

Any other adopted adults out there on ATS?

Adopted when I was a month and a day old. Never met either of my birth parents, and never really had the urge to.

I was adopted at 18 months of age.

My biological mother turned up on the door step on my 21st bithday and I refused to speak to her or see her.

At the time, I considered the the act of seeking out or meeting my biological parents as the biggest 'kick in the teeth' to my adopted parents, considering they had invested a good part of their lives in me and made all sorts of sacrifices for me.

They told me I was adopted when I was about 6 years old for fear of me rebelling if told when I was a teenager.

I still feel like I am 2 different people. It really messed with my head.

I feel I will never seek out my biological family out of respect for my adopted parents, though it doesn't stop me being curious on occasion.

Regards, Skellon.

...hey, summer...

...i'm not adopted but i remember being SO SURE that i was... seems like i was around 7 and my absolute proof was - there were no baby pics of me - tons of my older sister but none of me...

...when i asked my paternal grandfather about it, (after he stopped laughing) he explained that my parents were struggling back then and pics were not as important as groceries or rent... then he showed me a pic of my father's mother (who died when my dad was a kid) when she was a young teen and i look just like her...

...i know a few people who were adopted... all eventually wanted to see their birth parents and the number one reason was that they wanted to see who they look like... normal enough, huh?...

...some have almost the same story as you - in that their adoptive parents took offense to them wanting to know about or meet their birth parents - but - others had wonderfully cooperative parents...

...a couple of friends got very upset when they first saw the adoption contract cuz it looks like a contract to buy furniture or something... i figure thats normal enough too...

I was adopted not long after birth back in the 60's when single mothers were not in fashion

my sister was adopted when I was 2 years old
she found her biological mother, (which upset our mum) and found out who mine was, but I did not want to know

- my adoptive parents are my only parents as far as I am concerned, they did the hard yards and loved me and they deserve the credit

I don't think it messes with your head when you know you were chosen by folks who really wanted a child and couldn't have one of their own - kind of makes it that little bit more special, doesn't it?

cheers

Originally posted by Highlander64
I was adopted not long after birth back in the 60's when single mothers were not in fashion

I don't think it messes with your head when you know you were chosen by folks who really wanted a child and couldn't have one of their own - kind of makes it that little bit more special, doesn't it?

cheers

Oh my...did you have the book "The Chosen Child"?

I had the book handed to me, and my adopted older brother, and younger sister.

We were chosen alright...And reminded of it every time we didn't conform to my parents (particularly my mothers way of being)...I can remember being told as a child (around 5 or so)... "I wish I could give you back"...that's what my 'mother' said to me. She never went with out the opportunity to make me feel like I was some kind of "puppy rescued from the pound"...that's what being the "Chosen Child" meant growing up (to me)...

Originally posted by Wyn Hawks
...hey, summer...

...i'm not adopted but i remember being SO SURE that i was... seems like i was around 7 and my absolute proof was - there were no baby pics of me - tons of my older sister but none of me...

...when i asked my paternal grandfather about it, (after he stopped laughing) he explained that my parents were struggling back then and pics were not as important as groceries or rent... then he showed me a pic of my father's mother (who died when my dad was a kid) when she was a young teen and i look just like her...

...i know a few people who were adopted... all eventually wanted to see their birth parents and the number one reason was that they wanted to see who they look like... normal enough, huh?...

...some have almost the same story as you - in that their adoptive parents took offense to them wanting to know about or meet their birth parents - but - others had wonderfully cooperative parents...

...a couple of friends got very upset when they first saw the adoption contract cuz it looks like a contract to buy furniture or something... i figure thats normal enough too...

When my birth mom found me, I found out that according to the day back then, in order to adoped 4 children, you had to "buy" them.

It was difficult to adopt children back in the 60's and 70's. Typically, you never saw 3/4 children adopted into one family. My older (adopted) brother died when I was young. I still had an older adopted brother, and younger adopted sister.

I never felt like I "belonged"...there was no paternal instinct from my parents. I longed for my mom to treat me like a daughter...but I was more of a possession, sad to say.

As I grew up...and started having children of my own....she made it known that I had to "stop having children" because she had not told every one "at the hair dressing salon" that I had baby number 3, and at the time was pregnant with baby number 4.

I finally realized how jealous she was of my having children. To her, children were not blessings, but possessions...I saw that was her way of seeing me and my siblings. Very sad.

I will never forget, when I was pregnant with baby number 4, and not married at the time...she told me I "HAD to get an abortion"...when my birth mother found me, told me the story of how her mother took her for an abortion (so she wouldn't embarrassed her)...I remember feeling glad to be alive. According to her...she was "on the table" ready to be given an abortion, until she mustered up the strength to get up and walk away. At that point she was kicked out of her house by her mom. She was sent to the unwed mothers home in Boston...where she had me.

reply to post by Skellon


So you do not wish to know your biological parents?

I suppose that is possible. I am one to want to know every thing about 'where I came from'.

My older adopted brother-never wanted to know where he came form..I think more out of respect for our adopted parents...yet I think it haunts him to this day not knowing who he is, or where he came from.

I know every adopted child (adult) is different. But how could you not want to know where you came from?

Once I started having children, I would look for the resemblance of them in me. I never had looked like anyone in my adopted family...all my friends let me know that when I was younger. Made me feel like I "didn't belong".

reply to post by Skellon


I so understand your respect for you adopted parents. However, I feel you have the right to know your history, and where you came from.

For me, I wanted so badly to know who I looked like...where I got my green eyes, blonde hair from, etc.

It's natural to want to know. And once I started having children, I wanted to know even more so. So I could tell my kids where certain features came from..be it "grand mother, grandfather, aunt, uncle"etc...

When children are born into a family, they know where they got certain traits/features from...I think all children need to know so they can pass that information on to their children as well.

Originally posted by JaxonRoberts
Adopted when I was a month and a day old. Never met either of my birth parents, and never really had the urge to.

Really? I admire you for not having the urge. Honestly, there are times I wish I had not known I was adopted. I feel (like another poster said)..it messes with your mind...you feel like you are 2 different people.

I know I was who my adopted parents expected me to be...but I felt like there was a "part" of me, who I never knew, or allowed to exist.

reply to post by summer5


It might come from the fact that I have always known since I can remember that I was adopted, so it's sort of like "you're blue-eyed", just another trait. My family is my family, and that's good enough for me... The other two people were just my sperm donor and my incubator... My Mom and Dad are the one's who raised me and loved me...

reply to post by JaxonRoberts


I understand what you are saying. I felt that way for the longest time. My parents were the ones who raised me, however, for me, they never "felt" like my parents. They always made me feel like I owed them for saving me from the "puppy mill"..so to speak.

There was not ever a time they didn't remind me that they "rescued me", and if it wasn't for them I would have grown up in foster care. Although back at the time I was adopted, it wasn't easy to adopt a baby...I was adopted when I was 3 months old. I had 3 other adopted siblings.

My parents adopted 4 children. Back then, that was not common at all. The adopting parents had to have money to adopt that many children back then.

reply to post by summer5


my parents never made out that they had done me a favour by adopting me, and never once mentioned it in anger regret or as a form of control

but they certainly didnt moddy-coddle me or put me in cotton wool - I was always promptly disciplined and as a problem child I got more than anyone else's share of discipline - but I respect that,and I respect them for it

no, I would have to say they treated me as if they had given birth to me lol

I was given up at birth and taken home by my foster parents at 2 months. They wanted to adopt me, but could not because of the costs of healtcare (I have a couple disabilities). As a teenager, I rebelled and left to go to another foster home. Took a few months to realize my mistake, though I stayed there for a year and a half, until I was an adult. Immediately after leaving that place, called my mom, apologized, and she invited me to a family dinner. I have zero desire to find my biological parents. I am grateful my birth mother gave me up, but I don't need to meet her. Family is not blood, it's the people that love and care for you.

Originally posted by Skellon
I was adopted at 18 months of age.

My biological mother turned up on the door step on my 21st bithday and I refused to speak to her or see her.

At the time, I considered the the act of seeking out or meeting my biological parents as the biggest 'kick in the teeth' to my adopted parents, considering they had invested a good part of their lives in me and made all sorts of sacrifices for me.

They told me I was adopted when I was about 6 years old for fear of me rebelling if told when I was a teenager.

I still feel like I am 2 different people. It really messed with my head.

I feel I will never seek out my biological family out of respect for my adopted parents, though it doesn't stop me being curious on occasion.

Regards, Skellon.

edit on 14-8-2011 by Skellon because: (no reason given)

You might miss a brother or a sister who was adopted too. In cases where one child is given up or unable to be cared for...there are other children.

In a few years, facial recognition profiling will be able to find all your relatives by the identifying angles and points of your facial structure... if yours, and their picture is posted online, and you want to.

Originally posted by summer5
When my birth mom found me, I found out that according to the day back then, in order to adoped 4 children, you had to "buy" them. It was difficult to adopt children back in the 60's and 70's. Typically, you never saw 3/4 children adopted into one family.

...for thousands of years adoption has been a financial (money making) institution within western/white society... of course there were exceptions... if adoption was difficult for common folk, it was probably for the same reason its difficult now - money...

...i was born in the 50s and, like i said, grew up with quite a few kids who were adopted and none were only children... most had at least one other sibling that was also adopted... three or four adopted kids in one family was very common but, then again, having big families was the norm back then...

Originally posted by summer5
I never felt like I "belonged"...there was no paternal instinct from my parents.

...she might have been that way even if she had given birth to you... its a myth that all humans have maternal / paternal instincts... just like with everything else about us, theres a massive bell curve and we dont all fit in the middle...

reply to post by summer5


It was the opposite for me. My parents always made me feel like they were the lucky ones to have been granted the priviledge of raising me...

Originally posted by JaxonRoberts
reply to post by summer5

 

It was the opposite for me. My parents always made me feel like they were the lucky ones to have been granted the priviledge of raising me...

Then you are very blessed and fortunate to have had such great parents.

Originally posted by Wyn Hawks

Originally posted by summer5

Originally posted by summer5
I never felt like I "belonged"...there was no paternal instinct from my parents.

...she might have been that way even if she had given birth to you... its a myth that all humans have maternal / paternal instincts... just like with everything else about us, theres a massive bell curve and we dont all fit in the middle...

You could be 100% correct. I always wondered if she would have been different if I was her biological child.

Another thing that always bothered me, she would always try to blame "our birth parents" when we did something wrong (in her eyes). "It must be in your genes, that's why you do the things you do"....translation...NOTHING she did contributed to who we turned out to be....especially if it was some thing that she didn't agree with.

Originally posted by summer5
You could be 100% correct. I always wondered if she would have been different if I was her biological child.

Another thing that always bothered me, she would always try to blame "our birth parents" when we did something wrong (in her eyes). "It must be in your genes, that's why you do the things you do"....translation...NOTHING she did contributed to who we turned out to be....especially if it was some thing that she didn't agree with.

...i've heard other adoptive parents say that and step-parents too... also heard it from adults that were adopted as kids who were downing their siblings or their own step-children... whether its adoptive parents, biological parents or step-parents - few of that mindset want to hear that behavior is learned more often than it is a genetic character trait or predisposition and they sure dont wanna hear that they're screwing up their kids...

...synchronicity moments - i just had one or, uh, we did... before i came back to your thread, i was piddlin around with my mandolin, searching for songs i dont have the chords for yet, and found an old song written by john hiatt (whom i adore) this is the way we make a broken heart and it repeats that phrase frequently... the song is about those that get hurt when their partner has an affair - but - when i read your last post, i thought - wow, it fits this too... then other applicable songs flashed - like lucinda williams car wheels on a gravel road... maybe i'll put together a set... got nothing better to do