posted on Aug, 12 2011 @ 06:07 AM
I always feel i don't fit in. I often experience that most people do not understand me, and i get really annoyed because I know they jump to
conclusions about me and jugde my behaviour very quickly. They find me weird, and I don't even try to be. I can pretend to a certain point, to be
like the extroverts. I was an alcoholic for about a year where I was forcing myself to be social with people. To be accepted. To fit in. It made me
physically sick. I also struggle with anxiety alot, worriyng my self to death sometimes. I am not paranoid, but i have had too many bad experiences
with trying to be a social person amongst several people. I have to be drunk if I am going to have a smooth sailing with a big group of people I
don't know. Unfortunately, I always am prepared for the worst when i have to meet and greet a new person. But when I get to know them and when I find
them ''good'' its not so bad. But gawd.. there are a lot of jerks out there..too many in fact..
Someone made a thread a while ago about coping with todays world and i replyed with this: (if anyone is interested)
How do you cope?
I sometimes feel incredibly lonely and think the world we live in is
horrifying and devastating. Don't get me wrong, i know there are good corners on Earth, I just.. observe, experience and do alot of thinking along
with researching and coming to my own conclusions all the time.
I have very few good friends. I recently deactivated my account on facebook, because it became too much for me. The people that were supposed to be my
friends, were not real friends. I came to the point when i eventually told them what my work was all about, and they started to talk about me behind
my back and jugde me in a totally new way. It feels like I lost them, and they hate me for something they don't even know a lot about. And after
deactivating my account I figured, if they really appreciate my friendship they can pick up the phone and contact me in the good old fashion way. And
yes, it feels lonely - but for me it's better this way, then i can use my energy and appreciate my few, really good friends when i meet them. And
also, have more time to write my book( I call it my ''text'', don't want to be like Brian in Family guy, we'll see what i make of it in the end)
The most important thing for me at this moment in life is to have something important to do. I don't want to die only leaving pictures of me really
drunk and stupid