What would YOU do?

First, I am not sure if this should be in the Relationship forum or not...? If it needs to be moved, by all means, move it.
Here is a story..its true and its still fresh. Tell me...Would you have done the same thing??

I have a friend who is younger than me (23) . She, her mom, her two siblings and her son are like a part of my family. My cousin watches her child and has since she went back to work a year 1/2 ago. We are not only a close nit family but we (my family) believe in helping others....ya know ....."doing unto others as you would have done to you". This is the way I was raised.

My girlfriend I am speaking of ...well....lets call her "Kim".

Kim has been married to an older man with three children now for about 4 1/2 years. The last year they have been separated and Kim and her son have moved back home with mom and her two siblings. A few weeks ago the almost ex-husband (Matt) and Kim began "talking" again. He is what I call a snake....a master manipulator. He has three kids he doesn't take care of and will not hold down on a job. Not only will he not hold down one...he just wont get one. He doesn't mind his wife working taking care of them while he hangs out with friends sniffing pills. But....again....they have been separated for a year and recently began talking once more.

A week after they began talking Matt started helping out around the house to get on their "good side'. It worked.

For me..... this girl is like my sister and I warned her the frying pan is awful hot....be careful. I also conveyed to the Mom (also a dear friend of mine) to not get sucked back in to his "kindness" as it is only a ploy. The mom seems to pick men like this as well....and I hate it. It saddens me really.

The Mom has issues...controlling issues and kicks Kim and the baby out (they got in a huge fight over dishes) and they walk to a phone and call the almost Ex-husband, Matt. He borrows his moms car, goes get Kim and the baby and they begin staying a weekly Motel. This lasted for two 1/2 weeks until I received a phone call from another friend of Kim's saying she is worried about our friend. I told her I was too.....

We spoke for a short while about our concerns and decided to meet with Kim as she makes her way to school the next morning. She attend a community college on Wednesdays. We met up and waited in the school parking lot. Kim does not show....we are worried so we go to the weekly. The night before now.....it was really strange as Matt kept texting me, her dad, her mom, and this other friend of Kims who I am now with at the school. When I spoke with Kim the night before she sounded ....not like herself. I have known Kim for about 10 years and have never heard her sound as wasted as she sounded. There was much concern for our dear sister/friend.

When she didn't show up for school we made our way to the weekly Motel. I went up to the room...knocked and she came to the door. She followed me to the car so we could talk to her and we found out they had gotten into a HUGE fight that was physical the night before. We asked her if Matt clued her in on all the texts he was sending out the night before....she was clueless. The way it was with them before is almost the way it had been the last two weeks. He had the phone (his phone) and he had a car(his moms) and she was left with nothing...although this go around she had a job. She had been keeping her self busy with work and was going through each day as a basket case with the situation at hand...but she is young...23...she would make it through eventually she kept telling herself.

She decided she would gather up her belongings and go stay with my cousin who watches her son and who has offered her home to them. We left while Matt slept. He had taken many pills the night before and said to Kim the night before he would end it all....and took a bunch of pills. He was still asleep when we came back looking for the key to her car she had gotten a week prior as his mom paid 400 for it. Couldnt find the key...it had been lost the night before during the fight. He awoke as we were outside looking for it.

He came out of the room...angry! He ended up dragging her into the motel room and I swear.....I thought he was killing her. The police was called and dispatched. Kim made it out of the room when management went knocking and she broke loose and opened the door...came out running. It was an awful and horrific scene!!!

He left before the cops came....drove like a mad man down the street to my cousins. Got the baby and headed out. Calling me every second and yelling and screaming the entire time. It was a long day already only to get much longer.

He ended up going over to her other friends house where Kim was and where her mom had just showed up... to pick her up. A few hours before we had met the cop outside a store trying to meet Matt with the baby. Once he saw the cops...they fled. During a five hour period I had received over a 100 calls from him and his mom, everyone else that knew Kim were also receiving calls from him all the while his mom driving him all around town. He had totally flipped his lid! Right after the mom got to the other friends house to pick Kim up to hopefully try and "meet" with Matt once again to get the baby and have him arrested she showed up...and then Matt and his mother pulled in also...right behind her. When they (Matt and his mom) arrived at the other friends home he and Kim began fighting over the baby. He pushed everyone around at the home including tying her mom down and wrestling with her. He had really gone mad. After Kim and her mom fought him off for the last time the police were making their way to the home. He and his mother fled the scene only for him to be picked up a few minutes later and taken to jail. He stayed over night and his mom went and bailed him out.

He has since went back to jail because he will not stop calling. He has even called Kim..impersonating an officer while in jail.

Ok....so that is the story.

Two days ago a similar situation happened not too far from me in my community. A woman went to help her friend out who had an order of protection against her ex-husband. The ex-wife was inside the home...the ex-husband had took a cab to the home and while talking to the friend outside he fatally stabbed her to death. Leaving behind two children (like me) and a husband. Her funeral is tomorrow.

My boyfriend was and still is very upset with me because I got in the middle of what could have been a really bad situation. He said I could have lost my life. He is right.....I could have. I didn't though....I helped my girlfriend get away from a crazy man and she is as of right now..safe and so am I. I understand his concern, but I wish he understood (after a year of being together) who I am and what I am about.

I am really curious to know.....

Would you have done the same thing?

What would YOU do?

Thanks be to all the ones who may contribute. I really would like to know from others what they would have done....if anything. I am good....I am ok....with who I am and had I lost my life I would have done it helping a girl I love like my own sister, child, or family member.

Not everyone will think I did the right thing and I get it...I understand. I am also ok with that.

Peace and love to you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox

Jenn

Also...here is the link to the story of the woman who was brutally stabbed to death.

www.tennessean.com...

reply to post by MamaJ


You were right to help your friend and you were fortunate you did not get harmed yourself. Sometimes you just have to do what you can. I saw the police dragging away a pregnant woman who was disruptive in the hotel, her boyfriend was covered in blood from getting hit on the head with a serving tray, she was also bloodied, screaming and in handcuffs. She was obviously intoxicated hollering she's thirsty, and pregnant.
Just another white trash mom to be but cops were telling her to wait till they got her to the Police Station.

I got her a sealed bottle of water and approached the car where 2 cops were struggling with her..."sir, give her this." And because I was standing there as were some others...they looked at me strangely but ...luckily they took it and gave it to her because they continued questioning and work at the hotel another 2 hours before taking her away to be booked. I know what it is like to be thirsty.

These days you are taking your life in your hands dealing with the cops too. Nothing but like what you did but similar in that a small voice may be saying no...you shouldn't do it, but another louder voice says YOU MUST.

My opinion only... doesn't mean I'm right...

Jenn, I understand that you love your friend(s)/family and like me, would do anything to help her to be safe. But how many more times will you have to "rescue" her?

There comes a time (and this will sound cliche') you have to just show tough love or else she will never learn how to change her ways. I know you feel like you helped her out of a scary and dangerous situation but in reality you enabled her and she has no consequences what so ever for choosing to put herself into that situation in the first place.

Of course I don't want to see anyone get killed or harmed but, like I asked before, how many more times will you have to risk your own safety and rescue her? Know what I'm saying?

We make choices and we have to accept and live with the consequences.

I have a cousin with whom I am very close, or was very close with. Grew up together, a lot of really great childhood memories, etc. But she's got serious emotional issues. In fact, I think she needs to be istitutionalized for a while. Anyway, after her very horrible divorce she found herself out on the street with nothing. No money, no job, no place to live. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but when she called me desperately asking for a place to stay, I had to say no.

Please keep in mind, this girl spews lie after lie, she just uses people and moves on, as much as I love her, I don't trust her and I don't have, or do I want drama in my life. So I had to say no.

But the bigger picture is.... if I said yes and let her live at my place, how would she ever learn to survive on her own? I don't enable people.

Having throught about this for a massive half-hour or so...

Kim has shown from previous behavior, on multiple occasions, that she is the kind of person who believes the lies her husband says.
This will continue to be true into the future.

Some people are really nice... but you cannot save them from their own self destruction.

Well ..... In a word, yes.
I would have done what you did as well.
I generally don't ever get involved in taking sides in other peoples relationships because you never really know what goes on behind closed doors. In this case though it had got way beyond that and someone could have been hurt, including you.
Really hard to put into words how i feel about this situation. If my b/f or sister for example stepped in to help someone and got hurt, of course i would feel the same way your b/f does, as well as proud off them. On the other hand if my b/f or sister were the ones in need of help, i would hope that someone would step in regardless of their own safety.
Most of all you should follow your own intuition and do what feels right at the time, wether thats get involved or step back.

Your friend is on a self destructive path and needs professional help. Regarding your "intervention": while I applaud your efforts, I have to ask. What would you have done in a physical confrontation?

reply to post by Skorpiogurl


Thank you for your reply and it means a lot....hope you are having a good morning so far. ;-)

I have to say...."Kim" is younger but I really look up to her. She stayed so many years for her vows. She is a very spiritual woman and has had a hard time wrestling for better or for worse bit.

This was the only time I can say I have "rescued" her. She was doing so good for a year and was sucked back in...vulnerable and no where to go he was the saviour so to speak for those two weeks his mom put them up and bought her a cheap car.

I do understand what you are saying and I too do not want to be an enabler. She is a really good mom and is not a drug user..or addict. Her mom is a little twisted and I am at the point with her (the mom) where I will not and refuse to help her anymore. She has taught her children its ok to be in an abusive relationship. Its not ok with me and its not ok with her children.

Also, this was the first time their relationship went physical. My heart the night before was aching scared for her and when I went to her the next morning and she told me it had gotten physical I knew why I was hurting the night before...ya know.

Thank you again for your comment. It is much appreciated. I think next time ....well ....its just so hard to say what I would do if there was a next time to go to a friend and help.... when my heart feels something so strongly like I did the night before I went to Kim. It hurt so bad....its like I could feel her pain.

reply to post by newcovenant


Thank you for your story. You are right...I (we all were) was lucky he didn't pull a gun and start shooting everyone. He was still messed up on pills....he looked craaaazy! I have never seen him look and act like that. We were all very surprised.

I am glad I helped her..like I said she is like a sister to me. We are very close.

I will be thinking twice though the next time I feel called to help.

My children need me more than anyone.

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by Skorpiogurl

 

Thank you for your reply and it means a lot....hope you are having a good morning so far. ;-)

I have to say...."Kim" is younger but I really look up to her. She stayed so many years for her vows. She is a very spiritual woman and has had a hard time wrestling for better or for worse bit.

This was the only time I can say I have "rescued" her. She was doing so good for a year and was sucked back in...vulnerable and no where to go he was the saviour so to speak for those two weeks his mom put them up and bought her a cheap car.

I do understand what you are saying and I too do not want to be an enabler. She is a really good mom and is not a drug user..or addict. Her mom is a little twisted and I am at the point with her (the mom) where I will not and refuse to help her anymore. She has taught her children its ok to be in an abusive relationship. Its not ok with me and its not ok with her children.

Also, this was the first time their relationship went physical. My heart the night before was aching scared for her and when I went to her the next morning and she told me it had gotten physical I knew why I was hurting the night before...ya know.

Thank you again for your comment. It is much appreciated. I think next time ....well ....its just so hard to say what I would do if there was a next time to go to a friend and help.... when my heart feels something so strongly like I did the night before I went to Kim. It hurt so bad....its like I could feel her pain.

Hey, my morning is getting better with my second cup of coffee I hope yours is going well also.

Bottom line Jenn is when it comes to loved ones we always just go with out first knee jerk gut feeling reaction.

It seems to me that you are the type of person who knows how to listen to your intuition and your heart leaving logic out of it. So... while we should all have a plan B, C and D for every situation... I wouldn't plan too much in anticipation of the next time. Just pray it doesn't happen again and if it does, try to leave emotion out of it, then do what ya have too.

I think I would have done the same thing and have before but honestly it always come back to bite me in the arse!
Cause if and when she decides she loves this guy so much, and he's changed blah blah
He will either ban her from speaking to you, demonize you, or you will just feel so slapped in the face! Or she will get mad at you for not supporting her now that things are "so good"

I have been through this so many times, with some of my best friends.
As of late I have chosen to kind of step back, and let them sort out their own lives.....You can't be a saint for all!
It just becomes so emotionally draining and I don't have the energy for it anymore...for the back and forth nonsense.
I invested so much time, energy, fear, and tears helping my very best friend get away from a crazy stalking dangerous ex....Here we are 2 years later, he calls her. She talks to him, and the wool is already over her eyes!
I am just horrified, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO YOU!?!?!?!?
I finally just told her enough! That I was pissed at her for compromising us all! That I don't want her speaking a word of me to this guy because I am afraid of his retaliation. These guys are so good at manipulation, and the girls are sooooo needy. The men have them hook line and sinker!

You said her mom is the same way with men, and she passed it down to her daughter....honestly it may never change. If you have the emotional energy to deal with this time and time again great. If not, than you should slowly back away....be her friend but not THAT friend that she involves in this sort of drama.
Hopefully one day she will find the strength in herself, but I have learned there is nothing another person can say to a girl like this to help her find it....
Its all on her.

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by newcovenant

 

.

My children need me more than anyone.

OMG You have babies!! They for sure need you more!!
Like I said, find a way to back out to the point that your her friend but your not THAT friend.....The one she calls for the help with the drama!
I understand this, I am always THAT friend, but its because your a good listener, you helpful and empathic!
I am trying to learn how to be a good friend without having my emotional energy drained or putting myself in harms way!

you have done absolutely nothing to help your friend. you're a very deceitful person who is manipulating the situation on the sideline to savor the drama as it unfold. god bless your friend but may he have mercy on your soul, satan will not.

I am trying to learn how to be a good friend without having my emotional energy drained or putting myself in harms way!

reply to post by Htrowklis82


This is something I definitely HAVE GOT TO LEARN.

The sad part is.....had it been different...I could have ended up like the woman brutally stabbed and my children would have been the ones suffering. That breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

I can be a good friend without putting myself or others in harms way.

Thanks to all of you for making me see that. My boyfriend has been trying to, I guess I just needed to hear it from others as well.

Love to you all!!! xoxox

Jenn

Originally posted by DOADOA
you have done absolutely nothing to help your friend. you're a very deceitful person who is manipulating the situation on the sideline to savor the drama as it unfold. god bless your friend but may he have mercy on your soul, satan will not.

SO nice for you to come and tell me how you really feel.

I am saddened you feel that way ...but.....to each his own.

Originally posted by DOADOA
you have done absolutely nothing to help your friend. you're a very deceitful person who is manipulating the situation on the sideline to savor the drama as it unfold. god bless your friend but may he have mercy on your soul, satan will not.

Wow... really?

"Savor the Drama" That would be a good name for a band. Personally, if I were (still) in a band we'd be called "Embrace the Horror"

BTW - did you speak with Satan this morning? Did he ask you to relay that message?

reply to post by Skorpiogurl


Hahahaha....That was too funny. I think Satans message was delivered. FOR SURE. My heart sank when I read I was manipulating and deceiving her....but there has to be trolls around to make it interesting I guess.

Thats cool you were once in a band. My son plays the trombone and has gotten bored with it so he is ALL ABOUT the guitar now. He plays day and night since he picked my acoustic up the other night. I have taken him to two guitar lessons and he is also teaching himself. He is frankly eat up with it. Music is good for the soul!! Love it.

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by Skorpiogurl

 

Hahahaha....That was too funny. I think Satans message was delivered. FOR SURE.

My heart sank when I read I was manipulating and deceiving her....but there has to be trolls around to make it interesting I guess.

Thats cool you were once in a band. My son plays the trombone and has gotten bored with it so he is ALL ABOUT the guitar now. He plays day and night since he picked my acoustic up the other night. I have taken him to two guitar lessons and he is also teaching himself. He is frankly eat up with it. Music is good for the soul!! Love it.

Manipulating and deceiving... eh, big words small brain. Maybe Satan is paying him/her by the letter?

Trolls making it interesting, yes that's one way to look at it.

Guitar... sweet! Good for him. And I'm glad he is teaching himself as well as taking lessons. That way he won't learn someone elses bad habits haha. I was in an all girl glam-rock band back in the 80's So much fun.

Music is my medicine

Originally posted by DOADOA
you have done absolutely nothing to help your friend. you're a very deceitful person who is manipulating the situation on the sideline to savor the drama as it unfold. god bless your friend but may he have mercy on your soul, satan will not.

Wow so unnecessary!
While I know of people who do this...screw up people lives for the drama of the outcome. This is not one of those situations, and I can tell that this woman is not one of those people!
For one, if she was..she would not care so much about the outcome, or seek advice about the situation.
She would be too busy sitting around "savoring the drama" as you put it!

Originally posted by Skorpiogurl

Originally posted by DOADOA
you have done absolutely nothing to help your friend. you're a very deceitful person who is manipulating the situation on the sideline to savor the drama as it unfold. god bless your friend but may he have mercy on your soul, satan will not.

Wow... really?

"Savor the Drama" That would be a good name for a band. Personally, if I were (still) in a band we'd be called "Embrace the Horror"

BTW - did you speak with Satan this morning? Did he ask you to relay that message?

he is my father and as such i need to inform the souls of the living of their fate. you, however, i have other use.

reply to post by MamaJ


You can do it! Its tough, you must be a lot like me....Care so much, Helpful so much, Always putting yourself out there for people you love...Fierce friend! Who bend over backwards for a friend!
It just does become so draining, and many times disheartening when the loyalty isn't returned, or they are not there for you the same.
Not because they are bad friends, but they are not wired like you to be so empathic and caring!