Buckle down or unbuckle?

Originally posted by saabster5
I also live in this sparsely populated state! I love it! And who would want to hang out in a fluorescent bulbed mall for a day when there's all these mountains, forests, lakes, rivers, and wildlife and not another single human being in the vicinity. I'm 32, lived in WY for about 22 years now, and been outside of the state many times, only to expeditiously get back "home" as soon as possible. Majority of the people that I know, that have left Wyo for greener pastures are regretting that decision.

I'd highly recommend a trip in state to one of the parks (Thermopolis, or Wyoming State Parks). Or head down to your chamber of commerce and find out about all the historical districts in your community. County fairs are starting to pick up, so I'd suggest heading to one of these for the afternoon. Great foods, great people, awesome exhibits are to be found. Have you looked at a guided fishing trip down one of the rivers? Down around Flaming Gorge, they have an awesome guided horse-back trip around a part of the canyon, a phenomenal experience . Renting a quad or two could lead to an afternoon of fun activities. Wintertime, renting a snowmachine is also a load of fun.

Thanks for taking the time to contribute. My family really only does the things you are describing. My parents have snowmachines that we have taken out in the winter. We have four wheelers and take them out sometimes. It's expensive to keep them plated and properly tagged. Also, fishing is something I have done my whole life. I have lived in Wyoming almost all of my 26 years so we pretty much have been there done that. I was merely pointing out that there is no good entertainment for those of us that live here. We get the rodeo tourists and even though I like to get my party on, I can't stand all the drunks. Yellowstone is okay but after going like 100 times you get kinda tired of it. Like I mentioned earlier I sort of took up ghost hunting, that has kinda been my thing lately and well, my husband doesn't like to hear about my experiences so I sorta go it alone. I even wanted to take a roady to look at ghost towns or old barns and stuff like that but it's not much fun for just me and my 2 year old. Sorry I sound so whiney, I guess I am just at the end of my rope.

reply to post by wildoracle13


Hmm. I hate to sound like a jerk here, but I think you married someone for the wrong reasons.

Was it pressure from family? You weren't pregnant until after you were married, so that can't be all of it.

I mean...you married a guy because you thought he was hot, cool, funny etc. I think you simply underestimated the implications that come with marriage. It's understandable, younger people who haven't really lived can't possibly conceive the more important questions about marriage until they have some life experience under their belt to gain them that all important perspective.

Now I respect the fact that you married this person, and in fact I hope you DO make things work. I've had a marriage fall apart myself, and in fact I didn't marry this woman for some 10 odd years, after which the relationship promptly fell apart in short order. I would hate for some long term emotional damage to come to either you or your spouse, really. Love being a delicate thing, if he really is happy with his life together with you, and you don't plan on leaving him simply because you are bored, I think you should talk with him and see where he stands.

Communication is everything in a relationship. Talk to him. Ask him if he is unhappy or feeling uneasy about your current situation. Is the marriage working for him? Let him know how you feel, before you try anything by yourself. Marriage isn't a business relationship. It's neither a religious necessity or pressure. It's simply an agreement that you will stand by each others side and trust in each other. Seriously, the ceremony, the marriage certificate, it's all meaningless. What makes a marriage stick is devotion, and you don't need a piece of paper or priest to provide you with the will to remain devoted. It's your own conscious will that provides this. Nothing else.

But like I said, find out how he feels. Does he feel like you do? Ask him to be honest, because you want your marriage to work, if he does. If he doesn't, then I get the feeling that you might need the space and room to breath.

I'm not asking you to leave him. I'm not asking you to do anything that might destroy your marriage. I'm asking you to talk to him. Don't do anything that will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

The way I see it, marriages / relationships are like mirrors. You look into it and you see something beautiful, an image of your relationship at its best. But every "wrong" thing you do to that mirror is going to give it a crack, until you no longer see what was once there. Once a mirror is shattered, it will never be fixed. No amount of tape or bandaids or what have you, will ever put those pieces back together, because the trust is gone.

My ex intentionally shattered the mirror that was our relationship, because she didn't have the courage to be honest with me about how she felt. Had she been capable of reason, I might have been persuaded to agree with her on alot of points.

Anyhow, my advice. Just talk to him. Find some of of your own points here in this thread and tell him. Who knows? Maybe he is thinking the exact same thing and is too afraid to disrupt what he may think you believe is the perfect marriage.

Peace.

I will preface this by saying I have never been married, so take what you want out of this.

Like a few people have stated, you need to communicate this. You are having problems with your marriage - you need to verbalize it. Not to us, to him. How long have you been feeling like this? The longer you let these things fester and build up without facing or dealing with them, the more contempt you're going to have in your marriage. You're going to silently be wishing that he would do something when he probably is perfectly happy with the way things are.

From the way you've described him, he sounds very low-key and why would he want to have adventures if he's given the choice? From the way you've described his family, he probably thinks he's in the perfect marriage and things couldn't get any better.

Tell him what you feel is lacking. If he knows there's a possibility that this could be falling apart, he might put in an effort to take family trips, or go nuts every once in a while. Also, like others have also said, try and remember the reason you married him. In past relationships I find I have let the problems out-weigh the feelings I have for the person I'm with, and sometimes just sitting back and remembering why you love him so much in the first place will get your head on straight.

From what you have said, I don't see any other issues here other than that your husband seems to have turned into a lump on a log. Talk about it, but don't settle. If it's that important to have adventure in your life, more passion, there are ways to compromise and if you love each other, you will do it. It's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows - sometimes it's really friggen hard work - but you can do it.

Originally posted by wildoracle13
reply to post by Death_Kron

 

Death... Being honest to myself about where I am in life will only rile me up I am sure. As it turns out I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself and it's quite possible that the same goes for my hubby. Thanks for putting it so bluntly but the end of that story turns out tragic. Thanks for setting that one out. More for me to ponder I suppose.

The way I see it, if you have to ask the question then deep down inside you already know the answer...

It's difficult because life is subjective but if your even wondering about where the rest of your life is going then surely that tells you something?

I will immediately add at this point I've had/currently experiencing similar questions myself, I'm just better at giving advice than following it, good luck

reply to post by wildoracle13


All relationships are pretty much more business types of relationships then not. It really is what most look for so why complain when you found it, so now you have had what you wanted, and now you want something more.

I am pretty sure that love as the meaning of the word, does not exist in this realm of existence to the degree of what it actually means. So put up your ideals, set your goals, and follow your path, because you will find what your looking for. The funny thing about relationships is that its usually not about the person, only what the person represents.

So your looking for representations in your husband that you want to see in him, and he most likely does not look at all because he has what he was looking for. Basically your bored with the same old and want a change, it's what it comes down to. I would tell your husband clearly so that he gets it, no running around the issue in this, that you got the itchy feet, and he needs to do something about it. And if he does not then the circumstances will implicate themselves.

Originally posted by wildoracle13

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it's long and probably sounds really lame since I don't have anything serious going on like, "he cheated" or "I'm addicted to porn" or "we argue about money non-stop" and that is why I don't talk to any of my friends or family about it, throw away my marriage and put my daughter through that just so I can start over? I can't tell anyone.

I welcome any and all advice.

Most grateful,
Wild

Maybe the problem is he sees you more as a mother figure then a wife figure? Try and seduce him and if all else fail's you could always try Could always try some D/S type stuff to spice up your marriage. I am guessing your husband seems to be more of the submissive type so look up the D aspect from a female perspective or something.

Try and think back to when you first started dating. What did you like about him? How has he changed and how have you changed?

Originally posted by yourignoranceisbliss
reply to post by wildoracle13

 

Hmm. I hate to sound like a jerk here, but I think you married someone for the wrong reasons.

Was it pressure from family? You weren't pregnant until after you were married, so that can't be all of it.

I mean...you married a guy because you thought he was hot, cool, funny etc. I think you simply underestimated the implications that come with marriage. It's understandable, younger people who haven't really lived can't possibly conceive the more important questions about marriage until they have some life experience under their belt to gain them that all important perspective.

Now I respect the fact that you married this person, and in fact I hope you DO make things work. I've had a marriage fall apart myself, and in fact I didn't marry this woman for some 10 odd years, after which the relationship promptly fell apart in short order. I would hate for some long term emotional damage to come to either you or your spouse, really. Love being a delicate thing, if he really is happy with his life together with you, and you don't plan on leaving him simply because you are bored, I think you should talk with him and see where he stands.

Communication is everything in a relationship. Talk to him. Ask him if he is unhappy or feeling uneasy about your current situation. Is the marriage working for him? Let him know how you feel, before you try anything by yourself. Marriage isn't a business relationship. It's neither a religious necessity or pressure. It's simply an agreement that you will stand by each others side and trust in each other. Seriously, the ceremony, the marriage certificate, it's all meaningless. What makes a marriage stick is devotion, and you don't need a piece of paper or priest to provide you with the will to remain devoted. It's your own conscious will that provides this. Nothing else.

But like I said, find out how he feels. Does he feel like you do? Ask him to be honest, because you want your marriage to work, if he does. If he doesn't, then I get the feeling that you might need the space and room to breath.

I'm not asking you to leave him. I'm not asking you to do anything that might destroy your marriage. I'm asking you to talk to him. Don't do anything that will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

The way I see it, marriages / relationships are like mirrors. You look into it and you see something beautiful, an image of your relationship at its best. But every "wrong" thing you do to that mirror is going to give it a crack, until you no longer see what was once there. Once a mirror is shattered, it will never be fixed. No amount of tape or bandaids or what have you, will ever put those pieces back together, because the trust is gone.

My ex intentionally shattered the mirror that was our relationship, because she didn't have the courage to be honest with me about how she felt. Had she been capable of reason, I might have been persuaded to agree with her on alot of points.

Anyhow, my advice. Just talk to him. Find some of of your own points here in this thread and tell him. Who knows? Maybe he is thinking the exact same thing and is too afraid to disrupt what he may think you believe is the perfect marriage.

Peace.

Married for the wrong reasons, yeah, probably. Too late to fix that. My family did nothing to speed up or slow down our marriage plan. We were together 5 years before we started talking rings. It was a rough 5 years, we both constantly wanted different things and had different ideas on what level of commitment we wanted. After we both got on the same page we decided to buy a house. Things went better than they ever had and then he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Marriage was cool, owning our house made us feel grown-up, responsible, secure. Then BAM, I was knocked up. That shook things up for us for about a week until we decided to accept it and actaully be happy. Baby came, and next thing I know we are locked in. I love being a Mom, I never regret having my girl. I don't feel stuck with her. Like I said before, we have talked about our feelings, we've hashed and re-hashed and he tells me to suck it up. I do for a while and then we are back to the same old thing. I'm pulling away and he pretends not to notice. So, I give up on thinking I should find SOMETHING to look forward to that involves him. And that's where we are today. My mirror really has no deforming cracks in it, it's just so foggy I can't see a reflection. Does that make sense?

reply to post by Cinquain


Thanks for replying, I thought a lot about what you said and came up with this: I am married to a bump on a log. It's like, even the few and far between times (once a year) that he comes up with something on his own to please me or whatever, it's just so FORCED. He buys me flowers on valentines day after he asks me what kind I want. I tell him not to bother, then he doesn't. seriously? I am not complaining about this for the sake of complaining, I am trying to show his character here. I said a few weeks ago that we haven't done one thing together outside of grocery shopping this WHOLE summer. I told him that I wished we could go camping, take our daughter and just relax. Go hiking or fishing or just lay in the tent all day, I didn't care. So, here's what he did: he packed our camping stuff while I was at work, I was thrilled. We got up there and built a fire, cooked some food, drank a few drinks, and all was good. We talked about random stuff all the while, it was kind of quiet but still better than nothing. He got tired and said he wanted to go to bed and I was like, come on, have another drink! Let's turn on some music and dance around or something. He refused, said he was tired and went to bed. I sat up let the fire die down and found my way to the camper. Next morning he packed up told me to hurrry up and help him because he had stuff to do. We sped down the mountain, he dropped me and baby off at home and left. I spent all day Sunday with baby girl. He came home late wanted dinner and went to bed. I was put off and he knew it but acted like he was too tired to talk about it. I am wondering if my life we be that much different if I was by myself?

reply to post by Death_Kron


Logically though, humans aren't ever supposed to be blissfully happy and not wanting more. It's not what nature intends. We are supposed to constantly try to better our lives, it's scientific right? So, I am forced to think that asking the question isn't really an end all answer to it's self. I am trying to be subjective looking at every angle and you guys are all helping me tremendously, I can't even tell you. I wish I could just see more clearly and have the guts to take myself where I want to be.

Originally posted by galadofwarthethird
reply to post by wildoracle13

 

All relationships are pretty much more business types of relationships then not. It really is what most look for so why complain when you found it, so now you have had what you wanted, and now you want something more.

I am pretty sure that love as the meaning of the word, does not exist in this realm of existence to the degree of what it actually means. So put up your ideals, set your goals, and follow your path, because you will find what your looking for. The funny thing about relationships is that its usually not about the person, only what the person represents.

So your looking for representations in your husband that you want to see in him, and he most likely does not look at all because he has what he was looking for. Basically your bored with the same old and want a change, it's what it comes down to. I would tell your husband clearly so that he gets it, no running around the issue in this, that you got the itchy feet, and he needs to do something about it. And if he does not then the circumstances will implicate themselves.

Coming up with the right words, ones that I haven't said before is a challenge for me. If I was in his situation, I am pretty sure that would zap any ego I ever had and I don't want to screw this up so bad that I make things worse than they are. It's hard for me to tell him what EXACTLY I need from him because it's one of those things you can't force. "I want you to surprise me or be more thoughtful." "I want you to be spontaneous and take me on a drive when we are both not working, and we have money saved up". I am rambling but you get the idea. But that's what he asks me!! "what do you want from me?" "tell me what to do." The thing is, I CANT! I don't want to! It's a set of inborn character traits that this man doesn't have. I think.

reply to post by wildoracle13

So, Super Mods don't live in volcano lairs? To be a super moderator don't you have to have pre-req experience in dictating small islands? I bet you even wear a special suit don't you?

We just get capes, and moderate "super" forum powers...

I do have a Fortress of Solitude though...but my wife keeps insisting on calling it the "Bathroom"...

Sad to see you're going through all of this, hope you find what works out best for you.

Coming up with the right words, ones that I haven't said before is a challenge for me. If I was in his situation, I am pretty sure that would zap any ego I ever had and I don't want to screw this up so bad that I make things worse than they are. It's hard for me to tell him what EXACTLY I need from him because it's one of those things you can't force. "I want you to surprise me or be more thoughtful." "I want you to be spontaneous and take me on a drive when we are both not working, and we have money saved up". I am rambling but you get the idea. But that's what he asks me!! "what do you want from me?" "tell me what to do." The thing is, I CANT! I don't want to! It's a set of inborn character traits that this man doesn't have. I think.

Any chance of communicating this to a mutual friend, who can then maybe prompt him to thinking this way?

I know that I too have sometimes been guilty of simply taking my wife for granted, and occasionally just need to do something spontaneous and romantic, even if just a little thing.

Originally posted by wildoracle13
reply to post by Death_Kron

 

Logically though, humans aren't ever supposed to be blissfully happy and not wanting more. It's not what nature intends. We are supposed to constantly try to better our lives, it's scientific right? So, I am forced to think that asking the question isn't really an end all answer to it's self. I am trying to be subjective looking at every angle and you guys are all helping me tremendously, I can't even tell you. I wish I could just see more clearly and have the guts to take myself where I want to be.

I agree, but when the bad times (or feelings/frustrations) outweigh the good ones then surely something has to change?

reply to post by wildoracle13


Well it still seems to me like you got itchy feet and all that, and he is happy or content with the way things are.

But I will tell you this it just seems to me that your playing guessing games with him, and usually when females do that its just a precursor to them wanting to move on, so they dig for any excuse to do that. And in time in playing the guessing game all kinds of reasons will come into sight, because that's all the guessing game is just and excuse to look for reasons.

But at the end the circumstances that brought you together will take you apart with there changing or falling. So whatever the whole thing to me just seems like a dice toss, or coin flip. Infact I think the chances will be better for compatibility with a coin flip then all the self rational in the world.

And the female gender sure do need there rationalizations of everything they do and don't do.

Basically do what you want, because either way that is what you will do.

reply to post by wildoracle13


My advice is to get some friends who want to do the things you want to do. It seems like you're lonely. It happens, especially when kids enter a relationship. Sometimes we give so much of ourselves that we get distanced from the people we're giving to all the time. Its natural and its ok.

You said yourself that the relationship was better when you had less in common, so try to have less in common. This will give you two more to connect on. Its like you were two separate dots and the spark of the relationship was connecting the dots. Now you're one dot and the spark isnt there. Does that make sense?

So do what you want to do and let the hubby do what he wants to do. Its ok that you're separate people, thats what you like about him, right? I dont think anythings wrong with your marriage. I think you're just lonely.

So make some friends, go on a separate vacation or whatever you need to do. But remember that you're commited to your family, not yourself. It doesn't seem like you want to leave him or cheat on him or anything. It just seems like spending some time apart (like girls night out) could bring you back together.

Originally posted by wildoracle13

Married for the wrong reasons, yeah, probably. Too late to fix that. My family did nothing to speed up or slow down our marriage plan. We were together 5 years before we started talking rings. It was a rough 5 years, we both constantly wanted different things and had different ideas on what level of commitment we wanted. After we both got on the same page we decided to buy a house. Things went better than they ever had and then he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Marriage was cool, owning our house made us feel grown-up, responsible, secure. Then BAM, I was knocked up. That shook things up for us for about a week until we decided to accept it and actaully be happy. Baby came, and next thing I know we are locked in. I love being a Mom, I never regret having my girl. I don't feel stuck with her. Like I said before, we have talked about our feelings, we've hashed and re-hashed and he tells me to suck it up. I do for a while and then we are back to the same old thing. I'm pulling away and he pretends not to notice. So, I give up on thinking I should find SOMETHING to look forward to that involves him. And that's where we are today. My mirror really has no deforming cracks in it, it's just so foggy I can't see a reflection. Does that make sense?

Sorry, just going to add: you seem to be trying pretty hard to get the marriage on track but your husband thinks everything is fine so he doesnt do much to meet you halfway. I understand his POV on this though- why rock the boat?- but the boats already rocking, he just doesnt notice.

So really I think you need to DRAG him out of the house to go ghosthunting or on a ghosthunting trip. But say its for the family...for your daughter. She deserves nice family vacations and you two deserve to get out of the house together. You both need to make sacrifices though and meet halfway. If you didnt have a daughter things would be different but you're a family now and families do things together and sometimes do things they dont want to do but they do it for each other. Theres no room for selfishness in a family and your hubby seems to be a bit self absorbed that his view of the marriage is the "true" view of it - aka "head in the sand" syndrome.

reply to post by doctornamtab


Thanks for all the advice. I did drag him along ghost hunting last weekend. It was fun. My marriage is still the same, I still have the same husband. We do things separately too, I mean we both have our own outlets. I am lonely, I need someone to give me attention, to want to hang out with me, think I am interesting and fun. Isn't that what everyone wants? I just don't know anymore, I think we are just not right for eachother and that I could be happier if I start all over. I would definitly do things differently.

reply to post by wildoracle13


"I am lonely, I need someone to give me attention, to want to hang out with me, think I am interesting and fun. Isn't that what everyone wants?"

Glad to help. Maybe you could tell him this in these exact words. It gets straight to the point and tells him your needs. Hopefully he's up for meeting them, they're not all that demanding

reply to post by doctornamtab


Huh, I think about that and a sad feeling comes over when I think that maybe it's his attention that I don't want. How can I ask him to be interested in me? That's something that has to be genuine.

Originally posted by wildoracle13
reply to post by doctornamtab

 

Huh, I think about that and a sad feeling comes over when I think that maybe it's his attention that I don't want. How can I ask him to be interested in me? That's something that has to be genuine.

The way to ask someone to show interest in things is to simply...ask them to show interest in things. It works. And if he wants to be with you he'll do what you ask (as long as you're not demanding it). Its a fine line to walk but if you never tell him how you feel how can he ever know? No hints, no subtleties...those dont work on guys. We dont do hints and subtlties, they fly right over our heads. One time my ex took our relationship off Facebook. I didnt get it. I just thought she thought FB was stupid too. She dumped me a little later. Guys dont get hints. Just tell him. Straight up and honest.

Besides, he did go with you on that trip so he's also trying to make it work. Sometimes its our illusions about how things SHOULD be that ruin relationships. We concentrate so much about how a person should do this or do that we dont realize what they're doing for us already.

Louis CK: I used to think how my wife wouldnt F*** me. I was like "How could she do that to ME? To ME!" Then I looked at myself and said "How did she F*** me for YEARS?"

Focus on how things ARE. If we're always trying to live how things should be we'll drive ourselves insane and drive our loved ones away from us.