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Can you love someone too much?

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posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:33 AM
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I wonder if you can love someone too much, and I don't mean in a psycho I am going to stalk you and drive you to a restraining order love!

I was married for some time, and with a very narcissistic man. It took years for me to discover the truth and finally get the strength to leave. I wasn't looking for a relationship and when I met my boyfriend I thought this guy is gonna be such a fun friend! We have a blast together. How funny the world works, sometimes you find exactly what you want when you are not looking.

He is funny, caring and so smart, I have never laughed more in my life. We evolved slowly into a committed relationship and after 3 months of dating I introduced him to my kids. He is amazing to them! Patient, loving, and fun. Honestly he is better to them than their own father ever was! Now I am in no rush, I am not looking for a daddy for my kids or a man to take care of me.... The best way to avoid a controlling narcissist is to be a strong independent woman! I live alone with my kids, work and go to school. He lives nearby and we spend time together everyday, even if only for a kiss goodnight (on busy days) However we text and call often. We have been together for 2 years and I feel like I can safely say he is just an actual nice guy (after being married to a bait and switch narcissist I couldn't help but be on guard) He is my very best friend....
In 3 to 4 years when I am finished with school I want to marry this man....Here is where my problem comes, and maybe this is the only burden I am left with after a bad marriage.

Can you love someone so much, that it scares you to think about marriage? It seems almost no one can stay happily married, faithful, forever. I just don't see it. People around me get divorced left and right...I got divorced.
No one gets married with the intention of divorcing.. No one looks at the person they love and say, in 7 to 10 years when you put on 20 pounds after having my babies I am going to cheat on you with my hotter younger secretary. These things just seem to happen and 2 people who loved each other so dearly at one point just hate each others existence! I even see couples while still married, after decades they just coexist...no passion, or friendship.

I love him so much on so many levels that I actually fear marrying him someday, because the thought of us possibly hating each other or not being friends just tears me up inside. I sometimes almost wish we could stay the way we are forever...but he wants marriage and kids someday. I do to, with him! Then I have this lingering sadness. I don't let these thoughts hover over us, I don't drag us down with speculation...we are happy and healthy. I keep these thoughts hidden in the secret place deep in my heart.

Do any of you have an answer? or an idea? or the same fear?
Are any of you happily married to your best friend for more than a decade? How do you keep it?




posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:42 AM
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just remain your own person. a lot of times, people become so associated with another person they love and when that person unexpectedly falls out of your life, you literally feel like you've lost yourself.

just make sure you know that you, are you. he likes you for who YOU are, not what you think/feel of him.

stay true to yourself and your kids.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:47 AM
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Personally, I think you may still be hung up on your previous marriage. It didnt work out and perhaps you're thinking this one won't work out as well. I get the feeling you dont want to be hurt again so deep down you dont want to get married again.

My solution...do nothing. If you're already in a great relationship why rush it? Why ruin it? Its so hard to find someone you click with (and someone that clicks with your kids) that why ruin it with marriage. To me, love is about being together. Love is not a contract you sign at the county clerks office, it has nothing to do with God, the state or anyone else (besides your kids of course).

Can you love someone too much? Never. Are you scared that this love will end up like your last love...maybe but thats only for you to decide. Relax, enjoy and let the chips fall as they may. Dont put extra pressure on yourself and your relationship by polluting it with lifelong commitments which turn into obligations. Just be commited and live life.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:48 AM
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Wow, like reading about my life. Very similar issues.

I can happily report that even though I made my husband wait 8 years to marry him, because I kept waiting for that other shoe to drop, (Very abusive first husband) we have been married now for 9 years. I can honestly say that I love him as much, probably more than before.
He was patient, understood what I needed and never gave up, even when I panicked and tried to push him away.
If you have a man now like that, you are a very blessed lady!



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:49 AM
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It's not possible to love someone too much.

You may feel it's too much but anyone worthy of your love is worthy of all of it, not just a portion of it. So yeah, I think no, unless it is unhealthy for you.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:52 AM
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If you feel that he is your best friend, then go for it! I have been married to my best friend for 18 years (together 19 years) The fact that we are best friends is the thing that has saved us from divorce. We where actually separated for 3 years, but decided that we didn't want to grow old with anyone else than each other. We never get bored with one another and we take care of each other. We do have our differences, but always work things out before bedtime.

Don't be afraid of loosing him, just cherish every minute together with him. Who knows what the future brings of surprises, it is today that matters!

Good luck! There are few relationships that are based on friendship, but they are the ones that lasts.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:03 PM
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Heard of Romeo and Julliet? That's a Shakespearean play I know but still it's possible I guess.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:08 PM
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your headed for a train wreck .. if thats his personality now its will only get worse...

follow your gut...


don't subsitute pleasure for happiness


think of the long term he sounds like bad news written all over him and i don't think it will end well ...

i would end it now and find another to replace him...

yea you might think none can replace him but thats just the emotions talking

there are plenty more like him without the psychological behavoir , you just need another one like him to help you get over him and make a brighter future

just my two cents =p run while u can



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:20 PM
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reply to post by Gwampo
 


That is what I am trying to do, for sure! That is why we haven't moved in together...even though we could. I want to go to school and have my own place! I have never been "on my own" married my husband out of my parents house.
I don't want my relationship to define everything about me, though he is a big part of my life.
I am learning to navigate this..every day!



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:22 PM
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Originally posted by doctornamtab
Personally, I think you may still be hung up on your previous marriage. It didnt work out and perhaps you're thinking this one won't work out as well. I get the feeling you dont want to be hurt again so deep down you dont want to get married again.


I for sure agree this is some sort of issue bridging over from my last marriage. I love what we have right now...I try hard to live in the moment. I hope that when the time is right, then I can be ready...healed completely from any lingering wounds.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:26 PM
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reply to post by chiefsmom
 


Maybe that is exactly where I am stuck...waiting for some shoe to drop. That AHA I knew it, moment!
I do not want the deception from my last marriage to define this relationship. I keep breathing deep and saying to myself that this man is different! This is not my ex, stop being ridiculous!
My ex and I were not really friends....I look back at this mistake a much younger me made, and can hardly believe I fooled myself into it.
What I have now is real, and its wonderful. Thanks for your replies!



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:56 PM
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reply to post by Evilene
 


Do you feel like your friendship is the defining difference in your success and ability to keep things going along happily?



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 01:26 PM
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I have been in the exact same situation. I highly highly recommend reading the book "Women Who Love Too Much". A friend told me to read it, and it was like someone wrote my journal. It's the only "self help" book I've ever recommended reading to anyone. It's pretty eye opening.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 01:28 PM
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reply to post by seedofchucky
 


So I guess I don't really understand what your saying.....
I have no problems with him at all, I just want to keep it that way!



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 06:10 PM
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Yes I do feel that our friendship is what holds it together. Passion comes and goes, and we have our troubles as everyone have, but in the end we enjoy each others company so much that we see past that.
Marriage is most of all teamwork in my opinion. The fact that we want to share the rest of our life together lets us handle the troubles much easier.

But I do have to say that we are in love to this day, we hold hands and kiss in public. Our son does not always think that it is so cool, but I know that he is glad that he knows that we love each other.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 06:51 PM
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Originally posted by Evilene
Yes I do feel that our friendship is what holds it together. Passion comes and goes, and we have our troubles as everyone have, but in the end we enjoy each others company so much that we see past that.
Marriage is most of all teamwork in my opinion. The fact that we want to share the rest of our life together lets us handle the troubles much easier.

But I do have to say that we are in love to this day, we hold hands and kiss in public. Our son does not always think that it is so cool, but I know that he is glad that he knows that we love each other.


Someday your son will appreciate the love his parents shared!
I want that....after 20 years, I want us to still be holding hands and sharing kisses



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 07:59 PM
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Some couples do find Love - and it lasts.
It sounds like you are on the right path, and your man sounds special.
Patients - and you said he has been kind and patient for 2 years - I think that is KEY.
Look closely at his other relationships, at his family, and parents - what is his story - if there is consistancy of kindness across the board . . . and healthy dynamics in situations where there might have been hardship - you can probably feel safe. Understanding and compassion can carry you a long way ~

If he lies, or cheats (even on taxes) or appears too perfect in one situation while the opposite in another - well you know the deal.

But if he is consistant and steady - and 2 years is a pretty good amount of time - and you intend to wait even longer and this consistance remains - well you're a lucky gal.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 08:31 PM
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reply to post by Htrowklis82
 



my apologies ...

i confused this part

"The best way to avoid a controlling narcissist is to be a strong independent woman!"

i thought this was about the new guy


you want the realtionship to last as long as possible??

you want that golden rule of the same old sandwich everyday will get boring eventually broken ?


well you must keep the spark in the realtionship in a healthy not over dose or under dosed way

take care of your appereance don't be one of those women who give up on the make up + hair + cute little outfits


remember the man was intrested in you and loving you most when you had all that girly stuff on

to take off the mask after 5 years of marriage cause your "comfrotable" now is no excuse
and puts out the fire faster!


make sure you know how to cook awesome meals

and most important don't hand out the sex like candy .. only when its deserved and a little hard to get doesn't hurt either

sexy outfits role playing in bedroom bonus

give him benifit of the doubt on everything base your arguments wisely and with evidence not hearsay or gut feelings


if you can pull all that off there is no reason he should be bored of that sandwich because it keeps getting dressed up in differnt combinations

good luck champ



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 10:44 PM
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reply to post by seedofchucky
 


No worries on the confusion! Thanks for the advice
I will try and always keep things interesting!



posted on Aug, 11 2011 @ 07:42 PM
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I don't think you can love someone too much..if you are sure of yourself!

Love isn't something that can be graded...if you truly love someone, you will be willing... and know, that there is always room for improvement.

People change all the time, you just have to ask yourself if you are willing to learn to grow old with them?

If you still feel love in your heart, then you can't be loving that person to your full potential. I'm not saying this is a degrading way, but if you have the love to give, who is to say it's too much??

Love needs to be worked at..always.

To me, as long as love throws questions at you, it's worth working at. Nobody can answer if YOU can love too much, only you can decide that you can give, in order to make love grow. Love isn't something that has a level to be reached, it should always be there, waiting to flourish. If you feel are you loving somebody too much, it just means you have a long way to go....

Your other half is very lucky



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