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Abuse: Physical or Verbal

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posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 09:15 AM
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After reading some responses in this thread:
www.abovetopsecret.com...

It got me to thinking.
As a victim of both types of abuse from my first husband, (jack of all trades I guess
) I've done a lot of soul searching about all of it. I've come to the conclusion that for me, the verbal abuse was actually much worse.
Yes the physical hurt bad, did damage and all that, but after the bruises fade and the bones heal, I was physically ok.
The constant barrage of verbal abuse? Well, 16 years later, I still deal with insecurities and fears from the things he said to me. Not everyday like I use to, but it sure has made more of an impression than the physical.

So, If your in a relationship, or ever have been, I hope you haven't had to deal with this, but if you have, what do you feel is worse, and why?




posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 09:23 AM
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reply to post by chiefsmom
 


I agree with you. I've been on the recieving end of both and barely remember the physical stuff.

happy my thread helped btw.
edit: if i assume correctly.
not as much recourse for mind abuse as body in law either, and harder to prove. Much more insidious.
edit on 10-8-2011 by Raivan31 because: had to add



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 09:49 AM
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reply to post by Raivan31
 


You do assume correctly!
And your right about the law part, but unfortunately I don't see that changing any time soon.
Like you said, to hard to prove.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 10:27 AM
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The verbal abuse and mental damage is much worse. I was abused by my ex-husband and yes, the physical abuse was painful and embarrassing, but it's the mental abuse that I will never fully recover from. To be broken down like definitely changes you. He even abused me while I was pregnant with our little girl. Her birth is what gave me the strength to get away,



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 11:01 AM
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Brave ladies, thank you for sharing.
Sometimes verbal abuse can build over time to the point you don't even know its happening.
Clue - if you feel like your partner is making you crazy, or that you are going crazy during dialog/arguments - take note something is happening to unbalance normal communication, most likely abuse.

I could not figure out what was going on with my x-husband. I was desperate to understand. Was he depressed? I even wondered if he had early onset Alzhiemers. I racked my brain. He would argue with me and I would feel confused as if losing my own mind, literally - so confused I couldn't even remember what we were talking about. It just esculated and esculated. He joked about killing me and no one finding the body. He joked he could make it look like an accident. With so many of his friends cops and state troopers - believe me I took this joke seriously. Finally when he unbuckled my seatbeat and stepped on the brakes I woke up - and got out of there.

It has been 2 years, and each day I recover a bit more but it is a long journey back.
He really appeared to be prince charming in the beginning, a retired Marine, a former cop. He is still the guy everyone Loves, life of the party - he has many convinced I am the psycho - but I've a few close to me that have seen the truth.
I choose to live thousands of miles from him now, this helps.
edit on 10-8-2011 by LittleBirdSaid because: (no reason given)



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 12:51 PM
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I'm in the same boat. The psychological manipulation and emotional abuse was far worse than the physical abuse I had to go through (which was pretty bad in and of itself). I use this quote to help me out whenever I start to feel like a victim in some way. We gotta remember than we're not victims we're survivors!

"Pains that have burned and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, & above. this is life, not heaven. you dont have to be perfect." Gia Carangi



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 03:04 PM
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reply to post by LittleBirdSaid
 


Can I chime in as a man? I realize this will be met with skepticism, but I was both verbally and phsically abused in my marriage. I would say they both left some good marks, but the self realization that I was not the person I was told I was for so many years is still an ongoing process. I still deal with the mental aspect, even though I KNOW I did not deserve what I got.

CJ



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 04:34 PM
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If any man (or woman, for that matter) verbally or physically abuses you on any kind of regular basis...you need to get the heck out of that relationship....and the sooner the better.

The longer you are in it, the more damage that is done (and the more serious the repercussions).

Only one advisement to give in these situations...RUN for the hills.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 05:20 PM
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Originally posted by Gazrok
If any man (or woman, for that matter) verbally or physically abuses you on any kind of regular basis...you need to get the heck out of that relationship....and the sooner the better.

The longer you are in it, the more damage that is done (and the more serious the repercussions).

Only one advisement to give in these situations...RUN for the hills.



This is very true but sometimes it's not that easy esp when they start with the verbal/emotional abuse. Oh they break you down slowly then you feel you "need" them because your entire thought process has been questioned and then the physical starts and threats of "don't tell anyone."

Yes it would have been easier to leave but when you feel like you have nothing/nobody else and that you have nobody to talk to, you feel stuck. I finally left and the physical was nothing compared to the verbal/emotional abuse I got. It was worse and daily.

I am a much different person today and in some ways that situation made me a stronger person. That was not a time in my life I enjoyed at all but I did learn a lot from it so maybe it was my lesson I had to learn. IDK.




posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 07:05 PM
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reply to post by chiefsmom
 


Contingency theory applies in my case.

Both physical and verbal/emotional abuses are harmful, but in one of my worst situations, neighbors called, I was taken to the hospital, my partner to jail, and I am disabled today. I still work, but I suffered many physical injuries I will never completely recover from, yet am determined to do so.

These, in turn, remind of the verbal attacks like a recording repeating itself in my head.

I have to take lots of deep breaths, pray, and meditate often.

Light, Love, and Peace to all the *survivors* out there.





edit on 10-8-2011 by BurningSpearess because: (no reason given)



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 07:31 PM
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I have not been in an abusive relationship, but my cousin has been (verbal) and though she eventually left her husband, I suspect she may not fully recover (it has already been years) and she still suffers from significant and damaging self-esteem/image issues. He did a number on her psyche and she has a long road to travel to heal...



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 07:50 PM
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Originally posted by ColoradoJens
reply to post by LittleBirdSaid
 


Can I chime in as a man? I realize this will be met with skepticism, but I was both verbally and phsically abused in my marriage. I would say they both left some good marks, but the self realization that I was not the person I was told I was for so many years is still an ongoing process. I still deal with the mental aspect, even though I KNOW I did not deserve what I got.

CJ


By all means, chime in as a man - thank you. Abusers are not gender specific and yes, men are unfortunately abused too.



posted on Aug, 10 2011 @ 09:12 PM
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reply to post by Gazrok
 


I haven't been in an abusive relationship but I've received verbal abuse in the past in the form of bullying. I've known some people that were extremely critical of me and the way I was at certain times and I can say with certainty for me that the verbal abuse was much worse. You're being wounded emotionally and people are acting like you aren't a human being. When the verbal abuse is happening they say all sorts of nasty stuff, and, unlike with physical abuse which just goes away after you feel the pain and it stops (like with fighting and what not), the verbal abuse can stick with you for a lifetime.



posted on Aug, 11 2011 @ 09:09 AM
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Very good point op, either from childhood, relationships or even the work place:

Abuse either one event or verbal over much time has the same effect, it creates beliefs.

The past can sometimes be not very nice.

But it is the PAST, how about the future?

Take back the power don't let them keep doing it to you?

Simple as really just a choice but does not seem like that until you take the first step:

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posted on Aug, 11 2011 @ 10:12 AM
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reply to post by LittleBirdSaid
 


At the time, I'd say the physical abuse was the most humiliating, in the immediate sense, but now that I'm not frightened of him and there's no threat, it isn't something I think about very often or really feel anything about at all. The words, the lies, the manipulation...the financial abuse, are much more lasting in their effects and I don't really ever foresee a time when I won't feel like damaged goods and untouchable.



posted on Aug, 11 2011 @ 10:21 AM
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reply to post by KilgoreTrout
 


Two years on and I'm still feeling lingering effects, but time is ultimately the healer of all wounds. Work on loving yourself and understanding you and he were never meant to be, and life is not what we initially thought - be brave and confident and it will go away. Have a great day!

CJ
edit on 11-8-2011 by ColoradoJens because: (no reason given)



posted on Aug, 15 2011 @ 12:00 PM
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Sorry, been off for a few days.

First, thank you to all that replied! So many great points made! I don't believe that it is only women that get abused at all. I've actually heard women being abusive to their men, and it honks me off every time!

I also just used the husband version, because that is what I've dealt with, but your right, could be from parents, teachers, other kids, ect.

Yes, you should run, but like another poster said, sometimes, you don't even really realize it until way late in the game.

I've been very lucky in my current relationship, that he is so patient and kind, He tells me all the time the exact opposite of what I was told for so long, That I am pretty, smart ect. Just like with the abuse, after hearing good things for a long time, you start to believe them and trust again. Be open and honest about what happened to you, with a parent, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend and if they really care about you, they will help you through.

Stay strong everyone and know this:

YOU ARE: Beautiful!!! Handsome!!!! Smart!!!! Funny!!!! And a Treasure in someones life!!!!!
edit on 15-8-2011 by chiefsmom because: sp



posted on Aug, 15 2011 @ 12:14 PM
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reply to post by chiefsmom
 


Ive been in two relationships, one physically abusive and the other verbally abusive. Both harmed me psychologically, which led me to become depressed. I cant really say that one is worse than the other, but they both did do damage to my sanity.

Now Im in a nicer relationship with someone who is nothing like the other two girls



posted on Aug, 16 2011 @ 03:32 AM
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reply to post by KilgoreTrout
 


Nobody ever really gets over such things. They usually last for a lifetime and sometimes lifetimes.

But kilgoreTrout you always seemed so fierce to me to let any man push you around. Even your screen name is like totally scary, really you should of not put up with it, even if you had to kill and gore him like a trout.

I guess such is life, but I wouldn't know about such things since I usually am like a mirror and just reflect the thing they project back. And sometimes usually before they even think of projecting it.

But as to the topic I would think the psychological abuse would be worse then both the physical or verbal, and either way it comes down to it being psychological in nature, and basically the physical and verbal are just two sides of the coin in the mind.

Either can be as worse as the other, it just depends on the person in question, but most people I think can get over the bruises/physical abuse, but the mental part that imprints into there psyche and soul, that will stay with them for a long, long time.



posted on Aug, 16 2011 @ 03:48 AM
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I think that those that have been either physically or verbally abused as a child find it harder as an adult to get out. We have a tendency to want to change in a person what we could not as a child. Our parents were giants, and controlled our environment.

But as adults we are very much in control, but are not and dont see that we can turn into children again. Its a difficult challenge, and so many dont and cant get out. Its a yearning, and hard for those that have never been through, find it hard to understand, when someone that goes through its answer is.... I dont know why I stay... or I cant leave.

People that live like this have the same traits. Mostly as adults have little or no family, and seem desperate. not in a bad way, just ready to love, and are blinded by the abuser.

I lived this way for so many years. I am now afraid I will do it again, so everyone that acts like they love me I panic.

If anyone that reads this sees someone that may have been abused, and would like to be with them, here are somethings that can help. Realize and take seriously that they were hurt. Them being aggressive, can be a sign of being scared. Not everyone is a b****.

I wish everyone male, female, transgender, bi, gay, anyone, have the best in life. We are survivors, and we love hard. We deserve someone to love and cherish us. And please if you see that you might be scared, dont think that being so strong that you dont except love is the answer because its not.

Peace and love, NRE.




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