posted on Aug, 5 2011 @ 07:48 PM
I am sure many people are going through some pretty tough times right now so this subject might be of significance to some. What I want to talk about
is the human brain and its conciousness, so far as far as I know there is no scientific theory as to what creates conciousness and if conciousness is
indeed life itself or just a part of it. Anyway we struggle to understand our own brains or at least I do, but what is poignant is that the human
brain can act very differently when an enviroment of increased stress and anxiety. Recently in my life I have been going through an absolute car crash
of a time, suffering with heavy depression and extreme family and financial pressures has really made me realise how much our own minds can vairy in
how they behave. For the record I am currently on anti-depressants (sertraline 100mg) so this will also have an impact on how my mind behaves.
I have found myself sitting there having discussions with myself, not out loud but in my head and it is like my brain has more than one occupancy and
is at war with each other. I find my brain has found a way of completly locking out emotion so much so that my personality has become knumb where I
fail to get excited or even scared without extreme enviroments to cause it. My brain seems to be in auto pilot sometimes and I can get into episodes
where I do things that I wouldn't normally do without having seemingly madce a concious decision to do so, it is like a part of your brain you cannot
communicate with has taken charge. Believe me this has gotten me into all sorts of trouble.
I find recently that my brain finds ways to take its self away from reality, like I can really get foccused on a conspiracy on here or an infactuation
about aliens ect ect however I never seem to keep that interest for any period of time. My brain just chews things up and spits it out and demands to
move on to the next subject. I find drinking has started to help as it allows me to detach what seems to be the automated side of my brain away from
my own concious decisions so that I can take charge again. But I realise in the long run this is not good. I could be labled as schizophrenic by the
symptoms I am describing but I do not think that is the case. I am not violent and I do not believe I have a second personality, I just think my brain
takes control sometimes as a way of keeping me from imploding on myself.
What is most weird about the situation is my dreams. There seems to be not a night go by where I am being chased, running away, hiding or fighting
people, I have always had dreams in the past on irregular basis where I am in a fight in a dream but no matter how hard I try I cannot land a blow,
yet recently I seem to have disposed of this restraint and have become quite agressive in my dreams. Is this significant? What is clear if you know me
is that I do not have a violent bone in my body and avoid confrontation at all costs.
I am scared as to what is happening in my brain, is this a survival instinct, is this the prelude to a mental breakdown? I hope not. I am currently in
councelling but my shrink seems not to be asking me the right questions, she is just interested in my past events in life and what I feel/think about
these events. But what really is the problem for me is the chaos in my mind and the internal warfare that seems to go on inside.
Why does the human brain react in such a way and why can it be so punishing?
Sorry for the ramble but I think me typing this out might help.