reply to post by davespanners
Hi dave o/
My husband committed suicide 21 years ago. We had been married 6 years and had 3 small kids. He was 35.
He was a binge drinker and violent when drunk, which was often. After 6 years I'd had enough and I took the kids and left for the umpteenth time. I
usually went back to him after about a week or two but this time I didn't believe his promises that he would change. I got my own house for me and
the kids in the next town, and for 3 months he visited the kids every day, and every one of those days he begged me to come home. But I didn't.
One day, after 3 months of him pleading with me, he came to see us and told me he was asking me to come home for the last time and if I refused, he
would leave and wouldn't bother me about it any more. I said no. He left and through the window I watched him walk to his car and drive away. That
was the last time I spoke to him and the last time I saw my husband alive.
The next day, the police came to my house to tell me that my husband had been found dead that morning in his car - they told me a hose was connected
from the exhaust pipe and to the window, and the car was still running when he was found. He had been there all night and was lying across the back
seat, in his hand was a suicide note he'd written on the back of his copy of our Decree Nisi. They said he had been seen drunk in local bars the
For the longest time I blamed myself for his suicide, if I'd gone back home with the kids he would still be alive and the kids would still have their
They missed him dreadfully and were inconsolable, they cried for him every day, my heart broke for them. I lived with the guilt of that for
years, and if I'm honest I think I still do.
I still think about it alot, I always have, and it happened 21 years ago, it never goes away. He probably wouldn't have done it if he was sober. Who
I can only speak from the perspective of one who was left behind to pick up the pieces of mine and my kids' lives which were devastated by suicide
and could never be the same. It's effect on us will last our lifetimes.
I sometimes wish I'd gone back to him, he wouldn't have done it, and my kids would have had the dad they loved and needed so much.
The unhappiness doesn't end when you take your own life - you just leave it behind for your family to bear and deal with.