posted on Apr, 1 2003 @ 03:31 PM
While I was sitting down to a bowl of Rice Krispies this morning, I heard the usual 'Snap! Crackle! Pop!', but something bothered me about it. So I
went upstairs, running so my cereal would not turn to mush and got my pocket tape recorder. I set it to record and placed it by the bowl of Rice
Krispies, but they refused to speak. Cursing I grabbed the milk, the cereal and another bowl. These Krispies spoke with the usual noise and the same
disconcerting undertone. I set my tape recorder to record and sat back letting the cereal babble its way quiet. Then I repeated the process again and
again and again until the box was empty and I had filled three of the tiny tapes. I repeated the process with Fruity Pebbles.
While listening to the tapes, I heard the usual cracklings and pops from the Krispies; simple snips from the Pebbles. All tapes had the disturbing
underhums, but the low noises were clearer, with the rhythm of speech. I clicked the speed down on the tapes and was rewarded with words. I will post
the transcripts of the visions, Fruity Pebbles first as it seems least accurate.
Transcript of the Fruity Pebbles tape:
"The Texarkana College Bulldogs will win the NCAA Basketball Championship 1152-3 over the American University at Paris. Place your bets,
landwalker!" This message was repeated.
The more chilling transcript of the Rice Krispies tapes: "Turn the black object on, you low-browed landwalker! Earthlings have as many brains as
an salad. I am a being from the constellation Cassiopea. Our planet orbits the star that denotes her ass. Don't bother to talk to us, your voices
are annoying, just listen. The end of your planet is near. We have watched you from your first days, not when you evolved, that Darwin landwalker was
an idiot, but when we grew the first tribes of your people and placed you there. We have placed all life on your planet there; the third planet in the
system has long been a scrap heap for our genetic programs. We never expected the bald monkeys we created, with their voices of annoying clicks and
whistles, to do anything but obligingly die. Instead your kind fought and survived, an interesting and unforeseen development. You built cities and
societies, while primitive and silly by our standards, but were found 'cute' by the silly females of our race. A trait we grafted onto you humans.
Thanks to the influence of the females of our race, we were restrained from bombing your fledgling world into oblivion. Never underestimate the power
of a daylong . We watched your time pass the cities grow until they developed the power to destroy themselves and the entire world for us. The
geneticist that put that twist into you humans has been found and executed. But again, thanks to a round of by the mates of our leading council, we
were forced to prevent your destruction. This message is that prevention. The war that is happening in the main area of the dump that you humans
developed from will be the cause of your destruction. The paler skinned races will be victorious over the darker ones, but through insidious means.
The paler-skinned, referred to on your primitive communication networks as 'coalition', will use a program long developed by the United States in a
place called by your race as Dulce, New Mexico. The USers found a heap of genetic garbage and have been trying to mimic their gods, us by infusing
the poor of their society with the alien DNA. They have succeeded in creating a new race, the first instance of creation outside of our laboratories.
This new race is vaguely human in shape with eight legs and no torso. The limbs grow from the base of the neck and are of uniform length and
thickness, the head is equipped with a human mouth, but clusters of eyes like an insects. They posses the ability to move in land and water with equal
and devastating ease, the limbs each carry the strength of 100 of your men, and have the ability to lift into the air and ride the wind currents. They
are being used to make war against the dark-skinned people, the Iraqis, such silly names you humans use. 'Iraqi' in our language means rectal wart.
The Iraqis will be wiped out, but the new creatures will then turn on their creators, laying first the deserts waste then spreading out to conquer the
world. The new forms breed at a terrifying rate, through massive batches of eggs laid and hatched in just over eight of your hours. Adults are formed
six hours after that. You slow breeding, but so eager (do realize how funny your mating actions look to us???) humans will be wiped out completely
before the beginning of your planet's next orbit. Only the American State of Delaware is safe, since the new creatures carry the same urge as the
rest of you humans: it is impossible for them to hold interest in Delaware. You have been warned. End all genetic programs now and destroy the new
breed of humans. And don't try to play god again, your aren't big enough. You have been warned. Have a nice day."
The message repeats after that. I have quit my job at the local Radio Shack and am moving to Delaware, what work or prospects lie there I know not. I
am going to stop in Washington D.C. and request an audience with President Bush, maybe I can avert this. Pray for me, brave and searching friends. I
am signing off for the last time.
Humbert Humbert (yes, my mother was a Vladimir Nobokov fan, and yes, she hated me)
P.S. Do not eat Rice Krispies anymore. I am convinced they are sentient beings with the ability to pick up and transmit interstellar waves. The
morning 'Snaps, crackles and Pops' are the music of the spheres.
P.P.S This is not an April Fool's message.