How do I unlearn being a social reject?

I don't know if it was obvious to you guys from the topics that I made but I used to have a lot of social difficulties. I used to have not only girl problems but I would have a lot of guy problems as well. It's odd though. I've had somewhat of a reversal of fortune lately. Ever since March more people have been liking me and I feel like I've been able to make a lot more friends and acquaintances want to eat with me and stuff. Life is good for the most part for me.

My problem isn't so much with social interaction before. I used to always worry about stuff. I used to have severe anxiety issues... I used to worry too much about the way I said things before. I would worry about if someone would like me or not, or, how someone would think about me, if I talked about certain things. I sometimes worried about the people that I was really close to, and, I've worried in the past sometimes that they might not really be my friends. I would always worry about this kind of stuff because I got rejected many times in the past, and, I would have been what you would consider, a social reject.

I feel a lot more comfortable about myself now. But, there are times when my anxiety gets to me. Sometimes I'll think someone has blocked me on facebook when they've just deactivated their account. I've done this twice (some people have blocked me from facebook in the past, so, that's why I have gotten anxious in the past).

So, my question to you... I have a positive attitude towards my social life now, I feel more confident in my abilities. But, I just need to visualize myself more with the way I am NOW as opposed to the loser and reject that I was a few months ago. And, I do not want to get too cocky about myself just because I'm not a reject anymore. I've been a social reject for the past like 2 and 3/4ths years of my life (for the 2 years I went to a community college, and, for the first 3/4ths of my first year living on a dorm), so, I really need to unlearn this.

I was hoping you guys here could help since I've gotten some invaluable advice in the past from here.

reply to post by Frankidealist35


It seems to me, that you have allready found the answer in yourself.

It is all in how you see yourself, your confidence, your insecurities, that is what you, yourself, make of it. You say you were a social reject, which is BS btw, but as soon as you changed your outlook on things, you got better.

In that very simple sentence, your answer lies.

Change the way you perceive yourself, and you will be perceived differently.

vvv

reply to post by Frankidealist35


My piece of advice is going to sound a bit.. Cliche, But it's true.

Just be yourself. If someone doesn't want to hang out with you because of something you've said (Within reason, of course. Don't go saying you've got a knife and like killing things), then they were really never your friend to begin with. Don't feel like you have to be someone you're not to get friends. If you haven't noticed, you're are not the only social misfit

Other than that, Just try to relax. Easier said than done, I know, but being nervous is something some people can pick up on, and it can get awkward. I've found emotions tend to rub off on most, Much like actions like yawning. When you're calm, you're more likely to induce calmness in others you're interacting with.

Hope that helps.. I'm still learning too. Keep you head up, and good luck!

No offence, but seriously..? I find it hard to believe this is real...

Definetly be yourself.......meaning be who you are when your around people you are most comfortable with like your family, all outsiders that don't accept this can kick rocks! Don't try to talk to people that don't want to talk to you and don't take it personal.......not everyone is gonna like you and thats OK, accept that! You might want to start broadening your horizens on who YOU want to talk to. I'm usually game to talk to anyone and always learn something new from the experience so doing that will broaden your social skills a little. Keep conversations light at first nothing to deep. Good Luck on your Adventures!

Originally posted by zionistsareterrorists
No offence, but seriously..? I find it hard to believe this is real...

Not hard to believe at all. But then, I find it hard to believe that some people can let themselves go and get so fat and look like something from a zoo.

I'm 5'11, 220lbs and reasonably lean, do bodybuilding, take care of the way I look for the most part, and on an on, yet I have a similar problem to the OP. I posted here on my problem with Incel. It even defies my own logic. Sure I am not perfect, but is anyone? Yet for some almost illogical reason, cannot make connections with the opposite sex in my case, and have troubles making friends. I have a number of colleagues at the gym and work, but no friends.

I always say it is a bit like working hard, some people work very hard and yet have nothing to show for it and broke, while others seemingly drift on through career advancement and seem to obtain relatively good comfortable wealth levels without too much blood, sweat and tears at all.

Anxiety issues eh...

I was hoping you guys here could help since I've gotten some invaluable advice in the past from here.

Ok then, here comes invaluable advice #1: Alcohol... LOTS of it!

Alright, I take it you have something against alcohol poisoning so maybe you should try something else. I know people with this problem and best cure is to just face it like a boss.... exactly like a child who's scared of dark. If you catch yourself in some anxiety episode, find a way to shrug it off and move on.

Anxiety issues are related with fobias, psychosis, depression, bipolar crap etc. and best cure is to face it asap, before it escalates. It's like a routine physical exercise, if not done properly and on regular basis, things get messy - same goes for your brain and soul.

just relax. everybody is an idiot, including me. people constantly ignore and hurt others and don't mean it and don't even realize it. we all think we're different but there are many like us. shrug off hurts and slights and keep on keeping on.
treat others as you'd like to be treated.
Dale Carnegie advised being interested in other people and politely inquiring 'How's the kid/dog/car/job/conspiracy?' we all want to think we matter. no one wants to sit in the corner thinking they don't matter. don't be afraid to take the initiative and reach out to that guy (or girl) in the corner.
one more thing. it may seem trivial, but grooming and cleaning help. the guy with the b.o. or the girl that dumps perfume on herself (cough cough) wonders why they get isolated because no one is willing to tell them about their hygeine.

Self esteem is a real pain in the butt.

I used to have self esteem issues as well as social anxiety. Not anxiety externally as far as physical symptoms go, but inward thoughts that hindered me speaking when I could, or when I should.

People will tell you to relax, people will tell you to try and be yourself, and while these points are valid, they are much harder to do from an inverted position than you think. (I'm sure you realize this) However this poster said it beautifully:

VreemdeVlieendeVoorwep said:

Change the way you perceive yourself, and you will be perceived differently.

Many years ago I would a social nightmare. I would speak to no one, I would do nothing outside my three friends. We had our own fun, but it wasn't the same, I was in a prison and it was miserable regardless whether or not I wanted to admit it to myself or not. However a friend of mine helped me by telling me one of the most important things anyone has ever told me:

"What difference does it make?"

While such a simple question may have very simple explanations, it also has very deep psychological roots.

If you see a beautiful girl that you are attracted to, your first thought is probably "she's out of my league, she has someone, or she won't talk to me." However when you are in this situation ask yourself that question:

What difference does it make?

So what if you talk to her, if she brushes you off, then she's probably stuck up or just too busy. Either way, her day will continue regardless of your interaction, and so will yours. Time will not stop, the world will not come to an end and eventually you will realize that you will begin to start changing. This can apply to any situation, whether it be women, men, groups of people, children or the elderly. People are curious, they are always watching each other whether they admit it or not and wondering things about people they don't know.

If you start off small and just see someone that you don't know and walk up and introduce yourself, and simply say:

"you looked like an interesting person and I thought i'd come over and say hello"

Let topics flow naturally, don't force it, ask simple questions, be the lead in the conversation instead of the akward quiet one that only responds to things if it happens to coincide with an interest.

You will begin to open up and soon realize that it really doesn't matter, you are not the only one that feels like an outcast, and eventually you will get to the point that you have no fear when it comes to walking up and talking to people you don't know. I used to be terrified to talk to women (I'm married now), but my wife and I know that I am absolutely fearless when it comes to talking to someone.

I could find the most gorgeous woman or most handsome man in town and walk up and just start a random conversation, because it is not their outward appearance that should generate conversation/interests; and if it is, they are probably NOT someone you want to be friends with.

So when you feel those feelings of isolation and begin to question yourself when you have the urge to be social, just ask yourself the question that helped me more than I could ever tell you:

"What difference does it make?"

Good luck

King

reply to post by Frankidealist35


There's a difference between liking yourself, and getting cocky about it.

I think you've finally just learned to be accepting and comfortable with yourself, and this comfort level helps others be more relaxed and comfortable around you.

My only advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Be sociable, be a good friend to your friends, and generally simply be who you are, and like yourself for that person you are.

reply to post by zionistsareterrorists


Yes it is real. I think some people are confused here. I'm not a social reject anymore. I'm actually feeling pretty good about everything. I thought I made that pretty clear with my OP. But, I'm just trying to see why other people like me more now than they did before. I know I should keep doing what I'm doing... that would be the most logical thing, but, I just want to make sense of it.

reply to post by Gazrok


That seems like very good advice. I'll definitely keep that in mind as I progress. I won't change too much with what I'm doing right now. What I'm doing right now seems to be working...

reply to post by Inquisitive1


I guess that isn't really the issue. The issue is more that I am not used to it. I'm just not used to how people are being a lot more friendly to me.

Confidence!

The best way to build confidence is to set a few goals that are attainable within a few weeks and achieve them. It's amazing what achievement can do to one's self-esteem and confidence.

How about trying out new activities/hobbies outside of your comfort zone - taking a new direction in life and hopefully will help building confidence in yourself and interacting with others.

reply to post by Hartj6


Thanks! I think I'm already starting to do that. I've come to the conclusion that since other people seem to be more willing to give me a chance now I have to be more willing to give them a chance back in return. I have to do my part now that I'm more accepted by others. I guess the problem I had before was with how I would get used to it, but, I think I have the answer as to why I like it the way it is now as opposed to being then... it's because before I didn't have any of this back then or the social skills that I have now. So, I am grateful that my situation has gotten better now.