Snobbish, Ivy League Niece Expects Me or Her In Debt Parents to Help Pay for Last Year College

I'm furious, my sister's daughter by her first marriage is 21, has been attending Williams in Mass., is in her senior year, great grades all through her life, offered an honors thesis, attended one year at Univ. of Edinburgh (I helped with that), now my sister and her husband are in a rough patch and the daughter refuses to acknowledge that, nose is LITERALLY in the air if the subject is brought up.

She's on summer break right now and does not leave her room except for food, stays on skype with her boyfriend in Scotland. She recently ran up a 300 dollar phone call, says she's sorry about that, but no offer to repay. I offered her 50 dollars a day to help in my yard (she's big on botany) she simply turned away as if she didn't hear me. I then found her three summer jobs to choose from that would fit with her lifestyle (no opinion vegetarian), she acted as though she was going into shock, and said no, they wouldn't want her for so short a time. I then found an essay contest for college students, winner gets 10,000 dollars for 800 - 1000 words, deadline is mid-September, (her specialty is writing), just a smug look and she turned away. I checked on the numerous scholarships she would qualify for and the majority have passed the deadline for applications, just a few left and I emailed them to her. She said she had not even read my email.

I cc'd my sister with this and she says that they don't have the money for her tuition due to her two other children needing money for their education but that somehow they would find a way to cover it (not me this time, I can assure you). My son, who is a psychologist says the best move for them and me to make is to let her fall on her face and learn the realities of life, I agree, though I had hoped for her to put some umphhh into it and make it through on her own, as there is no chance of her parents getting a loan at this time.

I just don't get the "entitled" attitude our kids have? If she had put just a little effort she would have had scholarships all through college and grad, plus awards, etc...... I am soooo ticked off I don't know how I'm going to react the next time I see her which is a party my sister is hosting for my mother's birthday and also my mother's anniversary. The whole family is going to be there including "the lazy snob". She'll probably just come downstairs to grab a plate of food and run back up the stairs, Maybe she'll remember to say "Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary, but I doubt it.

I need a punching bag or something, I'm furious,

STM

I agree, I know I'm not much older then her, but I don't see or understand kids these days, maybe its because everyone is so PC, and afraid to discipline their kids. I dunno but hang in there, some times that's what it takes to completely fail to become better

I here you man. Nowadays kids are just given everything and have no idea where it comes from, or how it was obtained. You see it alot in New York and it becomes a little sickening. I remember chit chatting with some friends around the water cooler about casual gripes and possible layoffs and this younger guy starts bitching about his maid losing some $2000 Burberry jacket or something....We all just kind of turned our heads and wondered why in the hell this kid was working with us.

I'm not much older either,
But i notice that kind of attitude as well. It can be quite infuriating.
Guess some mature quicker than others, or because i didn't have a silver spoon in my a$$ all my life.

Good luck with that. Sometimes they do need to fall on their face, and knock some sense of reality into them. When they realise the silver spoon is gone.

She is probably like this because her environment has reinforced this attitude her entire life; the answer to your family's dilemma is obvious..

Honestly who cares how qualified she is if that's the sort of person she'll end up being?

I'll keep reading the replies and gather a consensus, so far it's, "let her fail so she can learn" which makes perfect sense, but wow, the waste of it all makes me soooo angry, but perhaps better now than later. Thanks for the replies, any witty remarks I can make to her at the party would also be greatly appreciated, she deserves that at the very least,

STM

The sad thing is that even if this girl gets her degree she's headed for a world of hurt. Williams is a good school (although not technically one of the eight Ivy-league schools, not that it really matters that much). But from what I hear even grads from "good" schools are struggling to break into the job market these days.

If I am not mistaken, Williams is a small Liberal Arts school, right? Somewhere in New England? So I'm guessing your niece didn't study pre-med or physics or organic chemistry or any one of the other hard sciences that would give her a leg up in the toughest job market for new grads since the Great Depression. She's probably like an English Lit major or something similar, amirite? I think the next few years will "school" her very hard on her true place in the world and wipe that small-college-town smirk off her face. At least she won't be saddled with debt like so many others.

Originally posted by seentoomuch
I'll keep reading the replies and gather a consensus, so far it's, "let her fail so she can learn" which makes perfect sense, but wow, the waste of it all makes me soooo angry, but perhaps better now than later. Thanks for the replies, any witty remarks I can make to her at the party would also be greatly appreciated, she deserves that at the very least,

STM

You can only be witty if her parents let her fail, otherwise she wins and you just look like a dick (in her eyes).

reply to post by posthuman
You're right, a lot of her problems are due to her mom and step father having to give her about everything she asked for. If not she would call her natural father and complain and then he would start a legal battle for custody. Finally the court got tired of hearing unsubstantiated accusations and ended the fighting once and for all. It's interesting that once the battle was over and she couldn't get a reaction from her father anymore she cut off contact, I believe she is beyond spoiled, she refuses to hear anything she doesn't like. I wonder how many children of divorce have this warped sense, don't have a name for it, but I'm sure they'll come up with one, this scenario is not unique.

Originally posted by seentoomuch
reply to post by posthuman

 

You're right, a lot of her problems are due to her mom and step father having to give her about everything she asked for. If not she would call her natural father and complain and then he would start a legal battle for custody. Finally the court got tired of hearing unsubstantiated accusations and ended the fighting once and for all. It's interesting that once the battle was over and she couldn't get a reaction from her father anymore she cut off contact, I believe she is beyond spoiled, she refuses to hear anything she doesn't like. I wonder how many children of divorce have this warped sense, don't have a name for it, but I'm sure they'll come up with one, this scenario is not unique.

I don't think it has anything to do with divorce, just her parents spoiling her like you said; she would have called her dad when things didn't go her way because it was such a shock to the system. The more I hear about her the more I can't stand the idea of her, why do her parents care so much about her qualifications if they don't even care about the kind of person their daughter becomes?

Hmm, I'd honestly suggest just out-right ignoring her. Even if she does come to speak with you.. Act as if she doesn't exist.

Spoiled people who are used to getting their way absoultly hate being ignored. Also makes you a better person for not making any snyde comments, which lowers you to her playing field.

Entitlement is a disease, best delt with coldly, and absolutly. Let her fail and fall. It's the only way to learn.

(apologies for the possible spelling errors, it was always my poorest skill).

Originally posted by posthuman

The more I hear about her the more I can't stand the idea of her, why do her parents care so much about her qualifications if they don't even care about the kind of person their daughter becomes?

I believe my sister thinks brillance and personality are rarely balanced. She thinks her daughter takes after my father who was an exceptional scientist but unfortunately was lacking in other ways. Soooo, instead of her thinking of her daughter as being spoiled she thinks she's just eccentric, I know better, it's too obvious, my Dad fought some tough battles when needed, and worked his way all through his many degrees with a family to support. Unfortunately I love hanging out with my sister but get pulled into this drama daily, I totally agree with your assessment. I hope one day to see a better person in my niece, probably quite a while though.

Thanks, I appreciate the support,

STM

Originally posted by seentoomuch
reply to post by posthuman

 

You're right, a lot of her problems are due to her mom and step father having to give her about everything she asked for. If not she would call her natural father and complain and then he would start a legal battle for custody. Finally the court got tired of hearing unsubstantiated accusations and ended the fighting once and for all. It's interesting that once the battle was over and she couldn't get a reaction from her father anymore she cut off contact, I believe she is beyond spoiled, she refuses to hear anything she doesn't like. I wonder how many children of divorce have this warped sense, don't have a name for it, but I'm sure they'll come up with one, this scenario is not unique.

Man, this is so sad. I started off feeling angry at this girl for her stupidity, but she never had a chance in a setup like that. No offence to your relatives and family, but IMHO parents who bring up children that way need to be hoss-whipped shirtless in the town square. For real.

I know women like this, I've known lots of women like this. I would say there is a very real chance your neice will never, ever be happy in life and will fumble around in life without real goals or growth, with her only desire a burning obsession to maintain the narcissistic social exoskeleton she has spent the last 4 years building at that fancy school in a world of diminishing opportunities for people like her. Relationship-wise she will blunder around exploiting those more sensitive then her and causing great pain.

Sorry to be so gloomy but I don't see much to celebrate here. I guess the one consolation is that she is young enough to screw up completely several times and come out on the other end a real person.

And there are millions like her, right?

So freaking grim and depressing.

Originally posted by Cygnis
Hmm, I'd honestly suggest just out-right ignoring her. Even if she does come to speak with you.. Act as if she doesn't exist.

Spoiled people who are used to getting their way absoultly hate being ignored. Also makes you a better person for not making any snyde comments, which lowers you to her playing field.

Entitlement is a disease, best delt with coldly, and absolutly. Let her fail and fall. It's the only way to learn.

(apologies for the possible spelling errors, it was always my poorest skill).

Shall do, excellent advice, I'll follow it to a "T". You're right, I won't lower myself, I'll just ignore her, turn my back. And btw your spelling is fine, you should enter that essay contest, here's the link:

essaycontest.aynrandeducation.com...

Thanks for the great advice,

STM

reply to post by seentoomuch


Funny enough, it's advice that was given to me on several occasions for simuler reasons.

I've found it to be quite sound.

The nice thing is, you don't have to have your conscious gnaw on you later for something you didn't really mean to say. After all, hind-sight IS 20/20. Burning bridges within families is a bad business.

Rest easy..

Originally posted by silent thunder

And there are millions like her, right?

So freaking grim and depressing.

Yes, it's sad. I'm positive it's not unique, I hope that life and experience will drum some or all of it out of her. In the meantime I'll just turn my back on helping her out and hope that speeds things up. And you're right, I never agreed with their "time outs" and sweet cajoling when she and her brother were kids.

My son was raised with an ex army ranger turned tax lawyer for a Dad who decided when our son turned 16 and rebellious to escort him to early start college courses for high school. He made our son take two logic courses in a row so that at least when our son wanted to throw a fit or argue something he could do it properly with good facts and in good form. My son rarely won against a trained attorney but to this day he appreciates what he went through and he realizes the value of logic. Btw our son got some scholarship money but he also worked part time all the way through and graduated with honors. So I understand your stance, I agree with you, I've just been pulled into it just by talking with my sister.

I wonder how many divorced families are going through the same situation as my sister? Really grim, as you said,

STM

Well if she's not to hideous tell her to get her butt out too the street corner and earn her money the old fashioned way. I bet after a few rapes and beat downs she would be alot more appreciative of the help you and your family have given her.

It Seems even the achievers, can be extremely lazy & expect everything on a plate.

I was so lucky that my son had a drive to be as independent as possible, so I've helped him out here and there, because he has never asked for anything. He also understood from an early age, the concept of "can't afford it, too expensive".

If your niece doesn't get rid of her attitude of entitlement, she is going to be a nightmare for whoever decides to marry her. She needs to grow up fast and realize that the world is a tough place sometimes, and that she's going to have to learn to just deal with stuff herself.

Good luck, tough love works.
Don't give in to her, this is a good lesson for her to learn. You tried to help, she didn't listen.

I like the idea of witty remarks. How about:

"Sorry you weren't interested in any of the suggestions I made. I thought you might like some of those, more than applying for a Pell Grant."

hehehe. That should get her attention.