Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

This petition is a joke. It's a humorous piece of writing designed to create conversation between two allied countries. We like sarcasm and fun conversation here.

To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to competently govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

Learn that ‘yoghurt’ has the letter H in it.

You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’.

You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘uh’, ‘like’, and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up ‘interspersed’.

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ‘-ize’.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is ‘Devon’ If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays ‘American footballl'. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

You will cease calling football ‘soccer’.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to ‘American football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called ‘rounders’, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called ‘Indecisive Day’.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. The substances formerly known as ‘American beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or ‘gasoline’ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

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(borrowed from facebook , )

but really felt the need to share it for those who have not seen it . i hope you all get a good laugh from it like i did . enjoy.

Err just because you british can't go to a SOCCER match without killing each other doesn't mean WE shouldn't have guns.

Second of all ummm... yeah how about you "revoke" someone who you could beat in a stand up fight... .Y'all lost remember?

Oh and just so you know ... WOW incredibly offensive and NOT COOL....

How about you look at the problems in your own backyard rather than snottily SNIPING at someone else?

Wow

Do we get to stop using toothpaste?

Oh, and will you guys teach us how to properly ridicule others?

reply to post by alysha.angel


HILARIOUS! I love the dry wit, 'dead-pan' delivery.

Read through the "joke" and can confirm English humor still sucks.

reply to post by roguetechie
Awww... really? I'm as American as apple pie and I thought it was a hoot! I'm sorry you felt offended. I'm pretty sure it was 'tongue in cheek.' Good day to you, fellow American!

Originally posted by Adyta
Read through the "joke" and can confirm English humor still sucks.

lol then it must suck to be you,,, as i AM AN AMERICAN TOO and i loved it so much that i just had to share it . sorry if it offended you.

reply to post by alysha.angel


Don't know what you being American as well has to do with anything, but the joke did not offend me. I was merely pointing out that it was horrible. Like;

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana split!

reply to post by alysha.angel


I will take the high road here... that's pretty damn funny! Having traveled the world many times I can see the humor in all of this. It is true that most Americans are ignorant to a lot of what goes on outside of our borders. You would be surprised at the vast amount of people that actually think Madonna is from England, when in fact she is from Michigan.

Anyway, just remember what happened the last time you guys tried to revoke our independence.... yeah, that's what I thought!

reply to post by alysha.angel


Ohhhh are you saying you plagarised this? IE posted someone elses work, without giving them credit?

That is against the T&C better fix it quick!

dalesdesigns.net...


edit
I guess you said "borrowed from facebook" Was hard to read amongst the non-exceprt text

Like this, this is how you take external stuffs!

:O

What's even remotely funny about that topic? I don't get it? Out of all topics that could be revered as humor you chose this? What an interesting motive

reply to post by alysha.angel


#6.No american football,that could be happening here anyway.
#7.These are fighting words.
#9.I still get lost driving on the right side, can you imagine if I had
to drive on the left?
#12.These are fighting words.
#13.$10.00 a gallon,are you out of your mind.Oh,I forgot,British Petroleum.
I just knew we would be stuck paying that clean up bill.
#16.We will just bill YOU for bailing YOU out during WW2.

Originally posted by mamabeth
reply to post by alysha.angel

 

#6.No american football,that could be happening here anyway.
#7.These are fighting words.
#9.I still get lost driving on the right side, can you imagine if I had
to drive on the left?
#12.These are fighting words.
#13.$10.00 a gallon,are you out of your mind.Oh,I forgot,British Petroleum.
I just knew we would be stuck paying that clean up bill.
#16.We will just bill YOU for bailing YOU out during WW2.

Funny come-backs, Mamabeth... LoL!

reply to post by OptimusSubprime

lol british sarcasum at its best.. some brits dont even want our priminister .. never mind the other goverment mesup..

As an American,
I find this as to being something absofreakinglutely hilarious!!!

6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game.

That, in all honestly, does not sound like a bad idea at all. Well, we may not be having an NFL season this year anyway considering how badly the labor talks have been going for the past month or so. Besides, if we don't have a season this year. I'm not going to miss a thing because the NFL needs to lose a bit of money anyway.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

A vegetable peeler?? A vegetable peeler!!?? I can kind of see why they would want to do that. I mean I wouldn't want to trust some crazed human that is carrying an MP4 around me. Then again, that would mean that I would have to give up my watermelon knife. So yeah, dem's fightin' werds right dere.

Come to think of it............

Shouldn't the Brits be paying back taxes to the Italians as well? I mean the Roman Empire did get you Brits off the ground and running.

Brilliant post, and to those of you that have taken offense... get a sense of humour. you know what? racism(which is what this is to those of you offended) exists. For those of you that want to stop this kind of humour i feel the need to point out that to stop it there is only one possibility... One world country... know as earthburgh(pronounced earthborough - earth buh ruh... not burrow). so yeah... stop racism, NWO here we come.

P.S Feel the need to point out this is somewhat tongue in cheek and that racism is in no way funny or right... most of the time. But jokes are... take it on the chin...

Americans... eat too many burgers
English... Bad teeth
French... Cheese eating surrender monkeys
Germans... anal retentive
Spanish... Lazy
Mexicans... Lazy
Brazilians.. Lazy... Hang on.. I'm spotting a trend.. latin descendency... Lazy

I'm english by the way... my teeth suck

I guess some people will never get our humour.

Damn you ATS spell checker - DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! *Shakes fist*

reply to post by lammypie999


Why are Englishmen teeth so awful?

Do they put fluoride in your water there? It helps a lot.

Originally posted by Lionhearte
reply to post by lammypie999

 

Why are Englishmen teeth so awful?

Do they put fluoride in your water there? It helps a lot.

edit on 7-7-2011 by Lionhearte because: (no reason given)

Don't need fluoride silly boy.
I inherited my great - great - great grandmamas wooden teeth.

Originally posted by roguetechie
Err just because you british can't go to a SOCCER match without killing each other doesn't mean WE shouldn't have guns.

Second of all ummm... yeah how about you "revoke" someone who you could beat in a stand up fight... .Y'all lost remember?

Oh and just so you know ... WOW incredibly offensive and NOT COOL....

How about you look at the problems in your own backyard rather than snottily SNIPING at someone else?

edit on 6-7-2011 by roguetechie because: (no reason given)

Serious much? First line said it's a joke and you get offended as did others.
It's all this seriousness that cause trouble for nothing. For a joke!

Grow up and stop feeling offended when it's not meant as such. All countries and people have their uniqueness and it is ok to point them out and a funny way. Those offended are not very confident and overly proud.