posted on Jun, 22 2011 @ 02:50 PM
It has been a bit since I have written due to the fact I died. What an eye opening experience. It seems everyone ask me what I saw or if I saw
anything. Well yeah, actually I did. It was the weirdest thing besides my mothers death that has touched me in such a mannor. It shook up my world and
made me realize that I was wasting my life and now that things had changed the people I was trying to help instead of helping myself first turned on
me simply because I chose to stand upon my own two feet and decide that I needed to survive to the next level. Eight seconds of my life in death.
Yes, the weird thing is I did see things, felt things, heard things, and felt things. Not the normal things one would think. The day was clear here in
NY at the time I died. When I died, I saw thunderstorms. Bad ones. I felt as if I was in the tower that is in the house on haunted hill. I remember
there being a woman beside me, she was pale skinned and blond. She was pregnant that I saw. In such misery, she kept looking over at me. I remember
holding out my hand and telling her it was ok.
I felt my mother; who’s hand I held as she died. I did not see her, I just felt her. I know the Drs and nurses were very worried of me, I also know
that all the electrical items in the ward were turned off as I was flat lining. I saw the woman again this time with her husband. I could have sworn
he was a baseball player, I was dead, what do I really know? I told her it was ok again and told her to let go. She had a wee one on her chest as she
I saw the nurse who was over my bedside. She looked like the nurse of the night my mom died. Same hair, same bun, same look. I looked and saw that I
was hooked up to a machine I was sure that the medical community had dismissed a long time ago. It was the same as my mom’s I.V. pole when she was
in ICU. I remember the flash of going back to see a child on the woman’s chest that now is nothing but bone covered with skin. I told her to let go,
it would be ok. She was crying and sobbing that all she had to do was to come from Canada, love her husband, and be a baseball players wife. It was
just an affair. I asked her to let things go. I told her that it was ok, it was time.
I think it was my mom who told me it was not my time. It was as if time flashed before my eyes as I saw that nothing good could come out of my life at
this time if I died. I would die with out telling my children I loved them. Who would explain to them what happened to me? What about all the things I
set out to do, but never did because I could get to it later.
What if there was not a later?
It was a difficult awakening. A frustrating reality to life.
The next thing I knew I was talking to the nurse who was there with me when I flatlinned. She looked at me and shook her head, “I do not know what
happened,” she started, “ but nothing in my whole nursing carreer has anything like this ever happened.” That was the last I saw of that nurse.
You could say the experience has left me humbled to the point that recovery is the hardest part of this vicious new cycle I am having with my body. It
is so hard to believe how hard I was on my body to what it has been reduced too by, it seems no fault of my own on some levels. Some levels are my own
undoing. I should have been wiser. Some of it is from genitics. I am not complaining mind you. I try not to for the reason there is no reason to
complain. Why should you? What will it do to help you in recovery? Nothing; it will drag you to the depths of hell that most fear to travel.
As I continue to recover, I now have to start including Drs and such so next winter does not kill me. It seems the weather is getting much worse out
there, more extreem. I can’t imagine why as to the fact that all of us respect the earth and the bounties she gives us in such high regaurd. Of
course then the hospital shrink had to come see me. That took a bit of doing to convince her I was of sane mind. A few key pivotal things in my life
make if very easy for the medical society, especially shrinks, to know I am not lying. It is a bit hard to ignore facts in someoens file that is well
over 30 years old.
At times it is hard, especially when you know there are more hospital visits in your future. More Drs, painful physical therapy. Dealing with HMO’s
and ignorant people. It means I have to slow down and rest. Resting is something I had to ask the Dr what it was? He thought I was joking. I was not.
Rest if for when you are dead from what I know and have learned. However rest is needed so you don’t die quicker than you should.
As my roomie and I have talked about the situation that occurred, there is a new value on life of sorts. I would most certainly say our faith was
rocked on what ever foundation we each had laid during this time. Of course also the time that is following so quickly. Time has not slowed down it
seems it has sped up to no end in sight. Well there is an end, but that end I know of is tragic and unrelenting. I have kept quiet for so long, a
great deal of it was for the fact that when I speak of what I know, the world would call me a nut case. However the issue is all I know is happening
all around me.
In the back of my mind I know for a fact all was done according to plan. If it had not been to the design of the powers that be, I would have simply
died. Alone in a hospital with no directive of my body, no person except my ex to decide what would happen to me, or forbid the thought, the father
who provided half of my DNA. I would have gone with out saying I love you to my children one more time, I would have died with out things done and a
mess for many to clean. I would have died failing life. This is not something I can live with on my watch of life this time around, at this juncture
Sure the reality is I can not be as active as I used to be but that does not mean I can not participate in life. Right now I am just happy I can still
walk. What a blessing to walk, to be able to not have to be taken care of or watched. What a blessing to type and move forward, I am not so sure that
you can really appreciate life, or even if you do after a near death experience. I am not so sure we really change.
Life is this intricate design of many webs or you could say silk strings creating this beautiful tapestry. At least that is the idea I have of it, not
so much with other people. I know that the blessings of me being here, go far beyond the cosmic world and God. I was not supposed to be here.
Thanks for letting me share.