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Reposting of an autobiography - 'Hands up if you're a little confused'

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posted on Jun, 19 2011 @ 01:36 PM
A great man once said - if you say you understand it, you clearly don't.

Below is the autobiographical thread I authored a year and a half back when I joined ATS under a different screen name.

To make this clear - I was not banned from ATS. I submitted to the moderators that I desired a new screen identity, and this was the reason I had created a new user account. It was an open-handed arrangement, that I wouldn't use or interact with my former screen identity, and that was agreed upon. Then some moderator (not sure which) couldn't figure out how to deactivate my account without making me appear to have been banned, so that's how it ended up looking like I'd done something naughty. Which I hadn't....

So. Now that's out of the way, on to the thread. It's a long read, but I wanted the thread under my current ATS account, so that various people can relate it to me as I am today - "18 month's worth of ATS later..." In most places you'll be able to deduce what was said/asked by others from the comments I posted in response. Each dashed line of stars represents the transition from one post to the next. It makes for some staccato reading at times, but I hope it's clear enough. Any questions, please feel free to ask.

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Hands up if you're a little confused

There's an undercurrent... something that's been around for as long as I have. From youth, I started to have strongly 'plotted', sometimes apocalyptic dreams. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, and ran away on multiple occasions - to where or whom I had no idea, and invariably I was brought back at some point, even more miserable than before.

In addition, I started to have eery thoughts about close family members and friends being 'in' on some sort of conspiracy, the object of which was unclear, remaining so even now. Various things, only explicable as strange, carefully crafted social/domestic scenarios, led me to hold powerfully delusional beliefs about who I was, and what my place was in the scheme of things.

I began to see myself as somehow physically different from the people around me. I exhibit physical traits that no-one in my immediate or extended family shares, and yet have been immediately passed on to my own children. In addition, I lack the prevalent traits that are commonplace among my relatives.

My parents started to say odd things, about extraterrestrials and genetic experimentation, relating both of these things DIRECTLY to me. There's a few cracking examples of such things, and I'll share those at a future point.

This combination of several years of various messed-up events led me to be admitted to a psych ward aged 17. I became homeless on being 'released', and ended up going on a weird trek around the UK (seeking answers in a desperate fashion) met by a whole host of people who shared information with me; info that only confirmed the presence of 'something' inexplicable 'going on' around me.

The trigger that caused me to set off on this mini-quest was the receipt of a text message stating simply: "What do cowboys do when they see dolphins with three legs coming out of the sea..?" Obviously that's weird. What makes it even stranger is that it was a brand new mobile phone, less than a day out of the box, and I hadn't shared the number with ANYONE - not even family or the very few friends I still had. It was sent from outside the UK, and as I recall had the prefix +34 or +36. I replied, utterly confused, and received no response.

A few weeks later, in Salisbury, a man approached me and started a conversation - when I explained the message, he told me it had been sent by aliens.

There's loads more, but I'll add it in a minute - my youngest is covered in chocolate and I need to go sort it out.


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Hi there - glad it's of interest so far; I'll pick up where I left off...

In fact, no I won't - I'll drop back a bit, to the time before the little trek round the UK.

Growing up I started hanging round with a 'bad crowd' - it seemed that I was naturally drawn to the wrong side of the tracks, and I spent a lot of time smoking weed and drinking underage in our local area. There was a lot of underground Drum n' Bass music being passed around by 'friends', and quite often there would appear to be symbolic/ subliminal - or even overt - message in the music to people located in our area; acquaintances of mine, and even some addressed to myself. It started to happen not just when I was stoned, but also when totally sober and otherwise seemingly sane - I would hear my name being said on the tracks.. I referred to it a few times with these 'friends' and was more often than not met with a sly, cryptic smile.

Around the same time, I visited my mother's house. My mother was chatting on the phone with my aunt. With an odd - almost devilish - smile, she said 'there's an alien in my kitchen' to my aunt while I was getting some food from the fridge. My parents were divorced, so while I was having these problems I would drop in from time to stepfather is a freemason, though that was never directly divulged to me, it came second-hand from my brother.

One of my stepbrothers stood near to me the day after and started 'chanting', saying: "Fire and Pain Baby, Fire and Pain" quite a few times. He was five years old at the time. Grinning manically, he ignored me completely when I asked what he was saying.

My father was meeting me after work once, to help me out with some cash, and he started to talk about 'weird, secretive genetic engineering experiments', and pointed out a building next to his place of work, saying it all went on there, around the time I was born.

Again, around the same time, I was smoking weed casually with a couple of acquaintances near the local railway station. A homeless guy known locally as 'Father Christmas' (due to his white hair and beard) came and asked to share a smoke. Chat ensued and he said to me "What's your name..?" I replied, and then he smiled (again, a cryptic, though in this case apparently well-intentioned smile), saying "are you sure it isn't Michael..?"

He continued to hang around for a few weeks, and we saw him again several times. Each time, he made reference to strange spiritual principles of empowerment - even talking about martial combat abilities becoming available if a person is 'true to himself'. My 'friends' would always try to ridicule him and move away - or other 'friends' would suddenly arrive with a good supply of 'smoke' and beer, to be shared on condition the homeless guy left.

Again, I've got things to do here at home at the minute, so I'll come back and add some more stuff in a bit.

Sorry that it's all a bit sketchy at the moment - I've not thought about these things for a while. Hopefully the act of writing things down will help me recover more memories.

That's another curious thing. I can recall barely anything about the first twenty years of my life. Most things that happened would have seemed very strange to someone not coming from this background, but to me it was the daily bread of experience.

Therefore, much of it I've forgotten due to the heightened anxiety I was experiencing throughout.

Anyway, perhaps once it's all there I can make a 'final edit' for proper assessment and analysis.

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Dude - I swear I'm not making this up. Isn't it a bit too 'obvious' and convenient to say that I'm lying because I want to be a writer, and somehow this thread is me practicing..?

Surely if I wanted to make it up and keep it believable I'd have refrained from telling the truth about my professional ambition. I enjoy writing, but I would not write about my own personal experience, as it would never get commissioned (I'm interested in writing for the TV). Please refrain from making insensitive speculative comments on a thread which is hopefully going to prove therapeutic for me.

And yes, it is a bit 'story book', but part of the apparent 'conspiracy' surrounding my circumstance, is that it has been planned out and manipulated according to a pre-meditated set of guidelines for the 'plot'. Clear enough? I took offence when I first read your post, but on reflection I can understand your doubts. Please just accept my assurance that I'm only presenting the truth of my life, no aspect of this thread will be fictitious.

If you like I can start a different thread with an an ongoing fictitious storyline - but it's not this one. THIS THREAD DEALS WITH REAL LIFE - MY LIFE, so please, 'be gentle'...

Many thanks to everyone for the interest and support. I'm going to have a go at drafting a timeline of major events and 'indicators of conspiracy', as my second post was a bit mixed up (events accurate, just not in the exact chronological order, plus some key events were forgotten).

Back Soon...

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Hey there Wayno

I appreciate your input - please believe me when I say that I don't consider myself 'special'... I'm twenty-eight years old, and have been around long enough to get some basic understanding of the equality of man...

Anyway, I agree with you to almost entirely the same degree. I see life on Earth as a sort of (albeit tragic) cosmic drama, in which we all play a part. Roles are cast according to Karma or some element of pre-destination in the world of the ethereal. In saying such, I don't believe that people are 'punished' with dire circumstance as some might have us believe (NB - I don't consider myself to have ever been in 'dire' circumstance; in many respects I've been very privileged).

However, those things considered: That there has been a 'plot' to manipulate the circumstances of my early life (which to some degree continues to this day), I have no doubt... That it is different to what is experienced by most? Again, I have no doubt. That it makes me in any way 'special' or 'important' - well, as I say, I don't believe that for a heartbeat. It's as likely as anything to have been a cosmic 'roll of the dice'...

Would be great if you would drop back and give some more feedback later on.. The 'autobiography' (for want of a better way of expressing it) will hopefully gain in credibility and coherence once I finish working out the more detailed account and chronology, as mentioned in my last post.

Many thanks,


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Hi there - thanks for your comment and thoughts on the matter.

Glad you feel that there's a good level of believability; one of the underpinning principles of the manipulation seems to have been: 'If it seems 'more incredible than could ever be true - well, then people simply won't believe him...'

In regards to your assessment of the 'Father Christmas' guy, I actually hold the reverse opinion. He seems to have been someone 'living outside the system', or 'off the grid', who often contradicted the advice and words of the 'friends' around me - much to their annoyance. As such he was often ridiculed and sent away (by those who I now assume were not actual friends, but rather my 'handlers'). He seemed to have been interested mainly in dropping hints that all was not as it appeared to be.

There were a number of similarly odd characters who cropped up here and there, offering similar hints - that the life I was leading was (to a fairly high degree) a sham.

As I've started to think a bit more about things, more and more memories are surfacing - including:

- Incidents of 'missing time',
- People who would show up at different stages of life in different 'roles',
- Common and recurring patterns of manipulation (what I now assume were 'tactics')
- Odd, blatant, lies that were told to me regarding me, my history and my family's history
- Physical evidence of something 'weird' going on.
- Circumstantial evidence supportive of a manipulated life.

I'll pick up the pace (though I have family responsibilities of my own nowadays), and should have another post for you all by this evening.

Thanks again for the interest and support so far,


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Hi Idyserenity

I was just nipping back to this thread to apologise for not posting a continuation yet - been busy with the kids this evening.

Just a quick point - when I said I'd been 'privileged', I meant in comparison to the starving masses of the third world. I certainly wasn't raised in an elitist home - lower middle class, my father was divorced and had zero elitist connections (going off the friends he had through his social activities).

I would respectfully disagree that the events of my childhood/ early adulthood were 'normal' by any stretch of the imagination. But in fairness, you are entitled to an opinion. My aim here isn't to 'convince' anyone of the reality of my life - it was started as a casual means by which I could attain greater understanding of the things which confused me as I grew up.

I won't be offering any further defence of my belief in (for the hell of it, lets give it a name) 'the manipulation'. Frome hereon out it'll be just an explanation of the facts and the circumstance, some subjective testimony about experiences of my psyche, and some thoughts on what my interpretations are (both past and present).

I appreciate that you phrased your comment in a sensitive way. It would be very easy for someone to wade in and say 'what a *******, he's obviously making it all up'. Which, as stated previously isn't the case.

Many thanks - and sorry to everyone for the delay in continuing the thread properly.


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Hi again everyone - thanks for your patience.

I figured I'd start the chronology afresh, from earliest memories. There's very little I recall about my early years, but what is there, when considered in addition to more recent memories, seems to point to the twilight zone. And once again; please don't think this is an attention-seeking or fictional exercise; I have a pretty good life these days and don't need to draw attention in that way (even though ATS is anonymous, you'll catch my drift hopefully).

So - I was born on an RAF base in N. England in the early eighties. My father was a civilian officer, my mother a housewife.

The very first memory I have was being at some sort of daycare centre. Thinking about it as I write, there would be no reason to be in daycare, as my mother didn't work and had no contacts locally apart from other RAF families - I went everywhere she went. I never attended daycare again, this occasion apparently the only time I was there.

Anyway - I was two years old.

Having played football for a while with the 'big kids', I tripped on the ball and fell over. I got straight up and wasn't in any pain; I carried on playing for a bit. Then, I went inside to ask something (can't recall what) of one of the staff - it had a reception, and looking back it makes me think more of a doctor's clinic than a daycare centre - they had a tannoy speaker, and the receptionist was phoning internal extensions for some reason. I remember standing on tiptoes trying to see over to where she was sat. I've never seen a daycare centre for babies/ toddlers with a reception area like that since. There were no other kids inside. Anyway, I was told to wait on the wall outside as my mother was coming to collect me.

All the kids had suddenly gone - to where I don't know, I didn't see them leave. I sat on the wall, looking down the road to where the sun was setting in the distance, and saw a woman heading towards me - appearing as though over the horizon as she walked up the hill. That mental image is incredibly clear. No traffic, no sound, no people anywhere. The only thing apart from the sunset was the woman walking up the hill. I didn't stand up to greet her, and don't recall being glad to see her, or thinking 'here's mummy' - there was just a slight element of confusion. I looked up at her as she stood in front of me; she offered me her hand and walked me inside again (to 'sign me out' I suppose).

Thinking about it as I write, my motor skills and communication skills were in advance of a 2 yr olds.. Perhaps more like a 4 year old.

Anyway, the next thing I remember was being in a hospital - probably on the base - it could have been the same day, I have no idea. I was given a pair of thick glassed spectacles to wear, which I couldn't see through at all, and remember being asked loads of questions by different people who entered and exited the room in quick succession. I don't recall any of the questions. I was x-rayed more than once, and had something like gromits put into my ears; various physical checks on my legs, spine and skull (the memory is a bit fuzzy, but I was there for a long time, with no apparent pattern to it). I remember asking what was put into my ears, and I was told 'nothing'. Another set of tests were carried out, blood was taken - I asked why, and was told 'in case you ever have an accident'.

Apparently, at some point during all this, a cast was put on my leg (though I don't remember this happening). I was told, years later, that when I slipped on the football I had broken my leg - and that was the reason I was in hospital.

Soon after I was seen by a physiotherapist, who gave me exercises to improve my posture and walking. This may seem irrelevant, but there's a particular reason it strikes me as important; I'll come back to it in a future post.

Right. That'll do for now; I appreciate it's a bit dull so far, but it's the foundation on which everything else rests..!

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Hi there lambs to lions - frustrating as it is to read comments of a doubting nature, I completely understand where you're coming from. Ultimately, I guess it's like SalvationJane said: '- even writers have weird experiences...'

I write well because I've always written well. In my English language GCSE I was listed as being in the top 1% nationally for the creative writing component. My English teacher told me (when I was 15) that she expected to see a novel within 10 years..!

That hasn't transpired unfortunately, though I have outlines for a novel or two on my 'to do' pile.

Once again, I can only offer you my assurance that what I'm writing is the truth. I write in a 'convoluted' way so that people can get a sense of what my feelings and thoughts were/ are... Something I can only convey by writing in a 'prose' style. If I were a gifted mathematician, I'd probably use bullet points and probability equations/ statistics to express what I'm trying to say..

Anyway; thanks for taking the time to make a comment - you are, of course, free to believe what you will.

Next update this evening...!



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How it can be, I don't know.. I was told it was a 'greenstick fracture' - they aren't as severe as full breaks obviously, and young children do have more flexible bones, but I still think I might've had some sort of indication I'd hurt myself.

PS - what sort of 'nursery' staff member sends a 2 yr old to sit on a wall next to the road..? The road was about ten metres away from the front door of the place (I'm accounting for toddler-sized steps in my estimation). Strikes me as very irresponsible, seeing as in an emergency they'd not have been able to reach me in time - plus the receptionist definitely didn't have me in her line of sight.

Will continue this a bit later on tonight. Thanks for all the feedback so far; I will try to reply to each question, so if I haven't responded yet please bear with me.


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edit on 19-6-2011 by FlyInTheOintment because: clarification/ presentation

posted on Jun, 19 2011 @ 01:36 PM
reply to post by FlyInTheOintment

Hello again ATS...

I left off last time at the point where I'd been given a set of physio exercises to carry out, in order to correct my posture and walking. I'll come to that shortly, but before I do I'll explain a few things about my physical appearance and build; things that 'don't stack up' when considered in the light of my family background.

As mentioned before, I possess several features that are entirely uncommon to anyone else in my maternal/paternal families, and I also lack other prevalent family traits

Eyes, hair colour, bone structure, ears, neck and shoulder structure, body type - if you were to see a picture of me standing with my brothers/ half brothers, you'd instantly see a vast difference between their incredibly similar features and my own. Obviously I won't be uploading the picture I'm referring to, but I'll try to give you a general idea:

The shape of my face/ skull... I have an 'upside-down teardrop' sort of thing going on. The rest of the family have either a squared, or very slightly elongated oval facial shape. A dominant feature is my ears, which are pronouncedly 'elfish'. When I was very young I asked my parents why I had 'funny' ears. They said it was because I was born in breach position, and that during a long labour the doctors needed to use clamps to hold my head in efforts to deliver me. This was told to me in all seriousness (and I was old enough to recognise when my parents were 'pulling my leg'). To all intents and purposes I believed that story, and held that it accounted for why I was the only person in the family with Spock-like ears ever since. I've checked back a few generations on both sides, but no-one else has anything of the sort in the ear department.
I'd have forgotten all about it, but my children have been born with the same ears, leading me to think that it was in fact a strong genetic trait possessed by... me..?

The main recurring feature that all other family members DO have is the nose. It's basically a very long 'roman' nose, with a hook over the bridge. Viewed from the side, it protrudes out then drops sharply - a triangle shape if you picture that. My nose is nothing like that, being straight and averagely proportioned from top to bottom. The 'forehead of the family' (how weird is this thread becoming..?) is relatively narrow and flat, with minimal eyesocket protrusion. My forehead is broad and rounded, with eyebrows significantly forward in comparison - also have more pronounced cheekbones.

Got the mental image of a cross between Quasimodo and Peter Pan..? You are in fact extremely close (not too hideous though, honest..!) Let's mix it up some more as I explain some oddities relating to my skeletal structure.

First point of note is the extra bones in my feet - a medical certainty. I had an X-Ray two years ago when I broke one of my toes, and the radiologist pointed out that he'd been interested by some extra bones - on the outside edge of my foot, and on the toes themselves. He didn't go into any more detail and only had one perspective to review with the image taken. This ties in with something a chiropractor had told me even earlier (without access to any X-Rays).. that my feet are literally a 'freak of nature', with a combination of features rarely (if ever) seen. His conclusion was that my feet have "incredibly high arches, a one-in-a-million feature in itself"... "bizarre, over-tense tendons" and "strange" flexion across the arches.

Bypassing the legs for now, we move to the spine. Again drawing a comparison to all known family members past and present, I have a completely anomalous spinal construct...!

And then there's the neck, wrists & hands to consider...


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Hi Freebourn

Hypnosis is becoming more and more attractive as time goes by. Unlike me..!

I would have to be convinced that the hypnotherapist was trustworthy - in addition I'd make sure the session was video-recorded. I'm totally paranoid about hypnotherapy (due to an experience I had when I was eleven), so I'd probably even be synchronising a pair of stopwatches..

I won't discuss that hypnotherapy incident now; I've decided to keep it in chronological order... Thanks for your feedback, hopefully it remains interesting..!


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Hi Kadyr80

I'd say you'd probably benefit from regression hypnotherapy, with someone who's experienced in taking people back to review past lives. Don't go for someone who tries to marvel you with tales of the past lives he/she has uncovered in order to get your custom. Use someone who will try to avoid 'leading' questioning to get you to discuss your prior thoughts/experiences of the matter - make sure they want to let the hypnosis talk for itself.

Another thing you could try is associative memory exercises. Just remember any one thing about a place or person you used to know, then try to place it in context within the environment you experienced it in. Then try to visualise linked events, emotions or items - you'll find other images surface, and you'll be able to do the same with them. That way, you can gradually build stronger and stronger memories with each attempt to remember the same details.. Let the memory images move you - don't dwell too long on each one - see where each leads you. I've been using that over the past few days and am having moderate success in developing the level of detail I can recall.

I'm fascinated that you described brain surgery age 3...! Reminds me of my youngest, who has been born with an innate obsession with cars - far beyond just the usual interest and enjoyment all kids get from toy cars. Transfixed by Formula 1 racing, stops eating to watch car insurance adverts, and turns anything that can be pushed into a 'car' - complete with sound effects of gear changes (which I didn't teach).

Our eldest once described being a helicopter pilot, 'before'...

Curious stuff..!

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Thanks for the vote of confidence Wayno - sounds like you had a great experience with your dad and the storytelling. That part of the world is full to the brim of fantastic folklore - and a fair bit of modern tragedy too. I bet his experience of life was a lot deeper than what we (as westerners) can normally come to expect.


I'll springboard off this reply and straight into my next installment... I had a moment of uncertainty earlier, regarding whether I should carry on with the thread or not. Now that I've given it some thought, I've decided to go ahead - it is proving a useful means by which to exorcise the past.

So - I was talking about my physiological characteristics. So far, I've tried to give an indication of the differences between myself and my family members. While that has proven tricky (it would be so much easier to upload some photos), it's probably nothing compared with trying to explain the actual structural issues I was planning to deal with now.

In addition to surface appearances, the last post detailed the issue of extra bones in my feet, the extremely high arch of my feet, and the hypertension of my achilles tendons. The cumulative strangeness increases as we take my legs into consideration. (..!)

NOTE: I spent some time trying to complete this paragraph, to explain in writing the obvious structural and postural anomalies of my spine and legs, as well as the way in which these things affect the movement of my legs during walking or running (and the way all this relates to the structure of my feet). I have found it ridiculously difficult to express what needs to be said in a succinct and non-technical way (ie without the use of medical terminology, relating to the names of both groups of and individual ligaments and muscles etc). Therefore I've decided to wait until I've uploaded some sketches to support my comments before tackling this issue.

Instead, I'll relate two dreams I had between the ages of five and ten years old - the second recurred many times. The first dream was brief, but terrified me beyond anything I'd ever known - or indeed have known since. I was six years old.

I was strapped into a reclined chair; similar, if not identical, to a dentist's chair. There were four or five adult figures around me, but my vision was blurred - I could see only as though I were seeing through water... As I surfaced into consciousness, I became horrifically aware of - what I can only explain as - very precise torture, being carried out on my paralysed body. Hair-fine needles were being inserted slowly and deliberately into the flesh on my arms and body, each one being driven directly into specific nerves. One was targeted to the nerve tracking down my left arm, at the elbow joint; another was being placed into a nerve somewhere around my lower belly on the right-hand side. My upper left leg had the same treatment, and I think there were a couple in the right-hand side of my torso as well. As I tried to scream and move (impossible), I saw another implement being lowered towards my right eye. A needle similar to the others was pushed into my eyeball without hesitation. At this stage, the terror and pain 'woke me up'.

There are three things to mention with regards to this experience.

Firstly, this dream was more 'real' than any other dream I have ever had. Nothing was abstract. While it was surreal - in respect of a six year old being tortured ('experimented upon'..?) - the actuality of the experience was constant and terrifying in equal measure. If I'd had the same experience in waking reality, the point at which I 'woke up' would have been the point at which my brain shut down consciousness in order to protect itself from the devastating nature of the ordeal.


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The second thing to note is that the pain was REAL. It wasn't like other dreams I've had, where pain is a sort of allegorical 'meta-sensation' translated by the mind into an 'understanding of pain' (that's the best way I can find to explain it). No, the pain of this torture was real, severe, and anatomically / experientially correct. As the needles went in, the pain followed the precise tracks of the nerves being stuck. At that age I didn't know about the function or composition of the nervous system, but with hindsight, the radial nature of the pain sensations was absolutely accurate.

Ever heard the album by Pink Floyd: 'Delicate Sound of Thunder'..? The first time I heard that album title, it reminded me of the pain experienced in the dream - ephemerally precise, and yet brutally effective. I perceived a sophisticated depth of sadism in my tormentors - they were obviously completely emotionally detached from their subject.

The third thing to mention is that as I awoke from the 'dream', I sat up in bed and gasped in shock at what I had just experienced. My room was darkened, only the reflected moonlight casting shadows and glinting off the mirror. There was no sound anywhere in the house. Within seconds though, my father had opened my bedroom door. The landing was dark, and he hadn't moved for the moments between my waking and his opening the door. To place this lack of noise and movement in context, we lived in a three bedroomed semi-detached house built in the 1930's - the floorboards were creaky as hell. As well, his door clanged loudly when it opened, due to having one of those sprung ball-bearing/socket latches. The landing light was always on at night, seeing as it was cramped with a bookcase, chest and other items stacked around.

Anyway, he looked in for a moment, then calmly asked 'Are you okay?' - I mumbled that I'd had a bad dream. He nodded. Though characteristically unresponsive to my obvious state of panic, his expression was sympathetic. This perception strikes a difficult-to-explain chord with my intuition, as he rarely - if ever - showed any concern for my emotional state.

If I look back at this now, my honest thoughts are that this was a real experience. Whether as a test subject in an abductee-style scenario, or as an experimental 'ward of the military', I have a strong certainty that I wasn't actually dreaming. I would posit that I was removed from my room at night, sedated, transported to an unknowable location and then - for whatever reason, with whatever purpose - tortured. As I write, I am willing to give some consideration to the idea that maybe I wasn't supposed to be conscious - they could have been checking for subconscious reflex reactions of the nervous system, a scenario which may potentially explain the use of a paralysis-inducing anaesthetic. Considering my young age, maybe they 'went easy' on the dosage. In fact - perhaps they didn't even know I was conscious until the last moment.

My intuition tells me that even if they weren't initially aware, they weren't overly concerned with my well-being... Other aspects of the experience - like being unable to see clearly - make me think that maybe I was supposed to be conscious, yet remaining unable to identify my tormentors...

Oh, and my father's vocation, both in the military and as a civilian? Dentist.


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I'm going to stop apologising for the delays in posting the updates now, or it'll start to sound a bit lame... I'm trying to keep up with myself - aiming for one update per day... Hopefully that'll keep the wolves at bay (Wayno..)

Anyway - I said I'd comment on the second dream this time, so here goes:

Unlike the 'dream'/experience I described in my previous post, this next one was actually really positive (ultimately, despite some initial confusion)... It recurred several times, exactly the same each time, over the course of around five years. The first occasion was shortly after the torturous experience described in my last post - again aged six. I haven't had the dream for at least eighteen years, but it's still as clear as day.

It starts out with me standing in the living room of my father's house. I'm looking at my father, who's just entered the room - except it's not really my father - at least not in appearance. The strange thing to try and explain is that I knew it WAS my father, despite the incorrect appearance. At the same time, I got the impression that this symbolism was leading me to actually view him as an 'adoptive' parent of sorts. The main thing holding my attention though was the huge albino python draped around his neck and shoulders.. My 'father' was holding its upper body, near to its head (its 'neck'). He had a glazed look, seemingly oblivious to the snake as it weaved about and flicked it's forked tongue. It was apparent that he was under the hypnotic influence of the creature, being drone-like and unresponsive when I tried to ask what was going on. I became understandably scared; the eyes of the python were bright red, piercing - the totality of the image and symbolism was fairly frightening.

I determined that despite the palpably negative atmosphere, I wasn't in any immediate danger, and decided to 'make my escape'. In waking life we lived in a fairly well-to-do area in Cheshire - a few roads away from our house ran a small stream, bisecting the village. In the dream, things were similar, but a high wood panel fence surrounded our garden - immediately behind it was the stream. I ran down to the end of the garden, and at that point my perspective shifted. My consciousness was hovering above the stream, looking back at the fence, garden and house beyond - immediately I saw myself break through the fence and land in the stream. From there, my consciousness re-merged with my form - I ran, splashing, for a considerable distance, not wanting to think about the fearsome situation left behind.

At some point there was a 'total shift' in my awareness, and I was no longer negotiating the stream - instead, I found myself standing on an asteroid, travelling at great speed through space - with multitudes of other people, some being 9ft 'giants'. The most overwhelming sensation, once there, was that I was 'home' - with true friends; that I was no longer in any sort of danger, that there was no longer any risk of unhappiness. Perfect, 'heavenly' peace - combined with a great sense of anticipation and excitement, shared by all the others, who were gathered as though viewing the area of space that we were heading towards.

The most abstract thing (apart from all of it...) was that Prince Charles was there, and he was somehow in charge of the whole scenario...



Firstly, let me say this: When I awoke from this dream, I had a sense of longing; an unspeakable sadness that I wasn't on that 'planet'. I understood that in some way this dream was suggesting that I was from 'elsewhere' in the universe, a suggestion that my young mind could readily accept - but I was convinced that somehow my subconscious had 'got it wrong'. After all, my six year old self reasoned, how could an alien planet be moving like an asteroid? Surely they can only orbit stars in the same way that Earth does..?


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So, bearing in mind that I was six years old when I had this dream the first time round, what else can I conclude about it? I think it's fair to suggest that there are a few layers of symbolism at work. My overriding intuitive belief is that there is definitely a complex message, coming (predominantly) from an external intelligence - ie, I believe this dream came from beyond the sole realm of my individual subconscious mind.

It is a hard thing to explain, but the way in which the task of interpreting a dream like this affects me is quite profound. If the symbolism is to be believed, some fairly devastating things were going on - right from the beginning. As I grew older, with more and more little pieces of the puzzle falling into place, I came to believe firmly that my 'father' wasn't really who I'd thought he was.

The dream kept coming back, and - in combination with a host of other factors - led me to hold fast to the notion that he had been 'selected' as a suitable candidate to foster me, in an environment where I could be easily monitored. The circumstantial potential is there, without a doubt. And trust me, there are still some VERY strange things to be recounted in support of that dark possibility.

They say that if a person gets the profound sense that someone is watching them - and if it is genuinely so - they won't tell anyone about it, for fear of being considered to be 'mad'. I lived with that sense of being watched, and that fear of the consequence of sharing my concerns, from an early stage of life. Throughout my adolescence I questioned my sanity - doubting my senses and my powers of reasoning, I tried to shove the issue far away, through the medium of drugs, alcohol and mischief. Future posts will relate more about the evidence I started to stumble upon - evidence suggesting that perhaps I wasn't imagining it after all.

Looking back to the interpretation of the dream for a moment, I consider that - certainly on one level - the albino python can be taken to represent the 'element of control' being made manifest. I believe it's a clear representation of a (in all likelihood sinister) exterior power - which had been acting as the primary 'shaping influence' on the reality I experienced day-to-day.

Okay people, there's more I'd like to say about this, but unfortunately it's really bloomin' late here in the UK.. My beautiful wife just complained because I'm tapping away on the laptop instead of getting some much-needed sleep. So, goodnight to you all - I look forward to continuing the thread tomorrow evening.



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Okay - it's not schizophrenia, and that was medically examined as a potential explanation - three psychiatrists separately examined me over the course of two years and all agreed there was no evidence for an organic basis to the experiences I was relating.

Schizophrenia is a purely mental condition - this has a backdrop of real evidence and shared experience - if it was all purely subjective I'd agree with you, but it certainly wasn't.

Having said that, you've prompted me to consider another question, for another thread. 'What is the nature of schizophrenia, and is there any evidence that it is sometimes appropriated by those perpetrating mental abuse, as a convenient means of ensuring plausible deniability for their crimes..?'

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Hi again Idy

I'd not heard of a buckle-type fracture before today; however from what I've been told I believe it was my left leg, between the knee and ankle somewhere.. I suppose that if my hip took the weight there could have been a break there, but I really can't say for certain.

Aside from that, and regardless of where the fracture was, I'm still genuinely confused about why there was:

a) No sensation of having damaged myself when I fell...
b) No pain at all, and...
c) An ability to continue playing in exactly the same way despite apparently carrying an injury....

Strange stuff. I know a couple of doctors, so I'll ask around and see if I can get any info to explain any of those points... Watch this space..!
I respect your determined effort to keep my brain from meandering...!

In truth, I had expected the 'schizophrenia' question to pop up at some point... It's a delicate issue to navigate, and definitely merits its own thread. Plus, as I say, three different psychiatric professionals (operating out of three different local health authorities) all determined that whatever was going on, it wasn't schizophrenia-related...

In fact, one of them even suggested that I 'learn how to pray', and he worked for the NHS...! For those who don't know about this organisation, it's the British 'National Health Service' - all medical practitioners employed under it are supposed to follow orthodox diagnostic/treatment routines or risk losing their licence to practice in the UK. It seems that he was willing to consider alternative causal factors - which I guess would take a bit of courage, in an environment where the organic reductionist model is enforced.

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Hi again ATS - and sorry for the 48 hour gap between posts; I've been cracking on with my screenplay today...

To the guy who made the last post - wonderinghows - some interesting thoughts there, but I'd recommend you spend some time clarifying your beliefs and understanding. I ended up a bit confused after reading your post, and in addition the variety of stuff you've posted doesn't tie in too well with this particular thread. Without meaning to sound egocentric, this thread is about a particular pattern of subjective experiences..!

Anyway, have a scan over this as an intro to the holographic universe concept:

And perhaps try this for a wide range of articles and texts related to spiritualism:

And I would stay off the alternative smoking if I were you. Best of luck..!

On-topic once again, I'll post a fresh update to the main thread in a few moments - thanks for your patience...


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Just a quick note to say thank you for your support - and that yes, there were several experiences with people whom I believe were 'undercover' agents of some sort. I will relate all of it as time goes by - it might take a while though as I'm still digging through bags of newly surfaced memories to see what's relevant... With regard to alien encounters, I've seen several UFOs over the years, and I've come across 'bodysnatching' demonic entities too.

One experience was incredibly weird/ frightening, possibly an abduction scenario, but I can't say for definite - I was about 20 at the time - by that age it seriously took a lot to scare me, so keep an eye out for that one. Again, I want to keep things in sequence, so forgive me that I won't be presenting that particular experience just yet.



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Okay - I've been suffering with a virus since last night, which is why I'm late once more in making the post. Moving swiftly on....

A couple of things I forgot to mention are related to deliberate untruths told to me as I grew up:

Aged around four years old, I was standing in my bedroom with my mother. She was changing bed sheets. This was just before she and my father divorced. As I leaned on the windowsill, looking out of the window towards the fields at the back of our house, something caught my eye - a large tarantula was crouched very close to my hand on the corner of the windowsill; I'd not seen it because the curtain was hanging in front of it. That's not an over-statement; the thing was huge. I can recall seeing ordinary house spiders at the same age and thinking they were fairly big, and of course the 'money spiders' that were supposedly omens of good luck (and much smaller)... So basically I'm saying I had an idea of scale - this thing was definitely a proper tarantula. It was covered with long, coarse hair, its front legs were raised up, and it was shuffling its back legs round so it could face my hand - just as you would expect to see when they feel threatened, or when showing aggression.

I screamed (obviously) and ran to the other side of the room, crying about the 'big spider'. I was ushered out of the room while she went to investigate. In a few moments she called me in and showed me the empty windowsill. The window was now open. I asked 'Did you throw it out?' She replied - 'There wasn't any spider there...'

I can remember my utter confusion, wondering why she lied about it. It was the first time I remember being flat-out lied to about something. I understand the idea that perhaps she was trying to shield my young mind from the fear of having seen such a large creature, but it begs the question 'how did it get there in the first place..?'

Another incident, seemingly trivial, concerns the details of my family lineage and ancestry. My maternal grandmother told me that her grandfather had invented the photo-sensors used on lamp-posts to turn on the streetlights automatically when it was getting dark. I fully believed her - but years later, discovered it wasn't even remotely true. She otherwise seemed a perfectly honest and rational woman; I remember that as she told me about it, my aunt was also there, and there was a clear sense that they had discussed the details of what I was being told, prior to my arrival with my mother.
It was a deliberate, well-constructed and specific story, complete with details of a rivalry between two inventors - and a twist, wherein the man who got the credit by patenting the device was a fraud, stealing the designs from my great-great grandfather's office. The tale was told in a clear and organised way, and as I say, I got the sense that the telling of it had been planned in advance - but for what purpose? It wasn't told to my brother - just to me. My gut feeling now, is that it was told with the intention of being accrued by my subconscious, along with other indicators, to one day cause me to question the validity of my relationship to the family. When taken into account with other details, this 'small' event had a strong influence on my perception of the overall situation.

There are more incidents to be detailed, which cumulatively start to add up to a suspicious 'big picture'. I'll try to summarise the key indicators shortly, but will mention a few more of these little turning points first. The 'bombastic' stuff doesn't really kick in until mid-teens.

NB - Apologies if my written style is a bit off tonight, but I still feel extremely under the weather.

Continuing soon...


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I can explain why the sky turns red if you like....

- No I'm not psychic; by chance I read your post on the tail-end of the 'Could this be Nibiru' thread a minute ago. It reminded me of a dream I had quite recently...

Basically I was involved in a sort of 'underground resistance', a secretly coordinated group of people working against the disinformation, lies and persecutions being perpetrated by a supernatural entity who was manipulating the world's media (like the antichrist). Knowing my 'duty', I quickly destroyed a communications medium of the supernatural enemy as another Big Brother-style broadcast was beginning (represented by a ham radio set).

I left the room, and found myself stood in a courtyard next to the main structure of the Coliseum in Rome. I looked up into the blue sky, and in a moment saw a comet-like object, with the appearance of a red star, trailing smaller red stars behind it. The main object was about two thirds the size of a typical Northern hemisphere full moon, and sort of burned its way into the atmosphere, quickly passing out again. Instantly it made me think of the 'Dragon' described in the Book of Revelation, 'trailing a third of the stars in its wake'...

There was an overwhelming sense that this was the 'sign' I had been waiting for. I leaned against the coliseum and proceeded to shake it from its foundations, then bring it to the ground..

It was, of course, a surreal dream, but ties in well with multitudes of other dreams I've had over the years (apocalyptic, vision-like and specifically sequenced with each other)
At some point I'll perhaps get organised and make a dream journal - to track the details of the ones I'm referring to; I'm confident they'll build into a coherent 'big picture'. Until then, I'll perhaps just drop them in as they occur to me.

Synchronicity is a remarkable thing, after all.


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Thanks for your balanced and kind comments, regarding both the content/believability of the thread and my use of the English language... Much appreciated..! I will take this opportunity to leap into my next instalment - with renewed zeal I might add, having recovered from the damn 'Novovirus'...

I never quite got round to finishing my interpretation of the second dream I mentioned - I'll quickly round that off now before moving it along (wouldn't want y'all to get bored). So anyway, the dream I refer to is the one in which there was a snake, a stream and an asteroid. If you've not read the main detail yet you'll need to drop back and check out the relevant post - otherwise this won't make much sense.

My loose interpretation thus far has revolved around the idea that the albino python was representative of an element of control over my domestic environment - including the people who constituted my family. I called that it may refer to military/ some clandestine group with a dark intent, but that the people I was raised by were not (necessarily) inherently 'bad', but that instead they were under a certain level of control themselves. I don't believe my family to be members of some dark 'Elite', but I do believe that they were inducted by such, to the 'privilege' of being part of some secretive plan.

Some may see this as fantastical, delusional even. A couple of quick points to illustrate my perspective:

- My mother related to my aunt that I was an 'alien'.
- My father told me that 'secretive genetic engineering, very cloak and dagger stuff' was carried out next to his place of work in the years leading up to my birth.
- Specific info was revealed to me by a neighbour - that I was under government observation. I was shown surveillance images of similarly observed individuals. (This was overt info-sharing, disguised by hypnotic techniques)

... Actually, before I detail of any more of these points, I'll define my understanding of the controlled dissemination of 'need to know' information. NB - This is regarding knowledge held by involved parties, understood by its impartation to myself, explicable in general terms as 'odd or sly turns of phrase being used to convey some darker sub-meaning related in some fashion to what is actually being said'.

All of the statements delivered in this manner, which I'll relate in a moment, served to build up a clear picture of what was apparently 'going on' - or what I was supposed to believe was 'going on' at any rate.

This is hard to explain. I imagine many reading this will at this point simply huff and turn to look elsewhere on ATS for something to amuse them. However - undaunted - I must try to expound, as there is an atmosphere that one becomes 'used to' when one is repeatedly exposed to the phenomena - an atmosphere quickly evident when something 'between the lines' is being said. Without taking too long to explain it then, what am I raving on about.?

When the impartation of a sub-meaning, piece of specific secret info, contextual double-entendre (etc) is attempted, there are a few things that will occur:

- No-one uninitiated in the real nature of the scenario will be present - anyone present will exhibit a keen focus on your reaction to what is said.
- There's normally an element of repetition - if you miss it the first time, it will be either repeated exactly, or the phrasing will be adjusted so that the subconscious picks up on it, drawing your conscious mind back to what's being said.
- Often (quite a crucial indicator) it's something being said entirely without contextual basis, to grab your attention.
- Mostly, there's an element of 'wicked' intent in a person's expression, which almost invariably gives it away.

If these things occur in simultaneity, then you can be fairly confident that you should be reading between the lines.

NB - I'm only halfway through the latest instalment (started in the above post), but I won't be able to finish until tomorrow, due to restrictions on my time. Anyway, if you want to comment specifically about this latest post, particularly if you feel I've not conveyed my meaning properly, or if you think I'm talking BS, please wait until after the second part tomorrow.



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Hi Phoenix - sorry to say this but I have no idea who Dan Tanner is... I'm certainly not him, but kudos for having a guess at my identity. I'm a new user of ATS, having previously only ever dropped in to look at a few threads that showed up in google search results.

By the way - what was that DarkDispatch person posting here? He made thirty posts, probably all removed by now.. Was he a spammer? Or just a complete numpty..? I'll carry on posting this evening - have to be careful not to spend too much time on ATS at the moment as my wife is getting a bit irked by it..!

Cheers all for the continued interest and positive comments...


PS - enjoying the bright, clear, plane exhaust-free blue skies here in the UK..! (Commiserations if you've had a cancelled flight though...)

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Hi Goobgirl - sorry, I had meant to reply to that particular post - after reading it I went off and did a bit of looking into the 'Hatman' phenomenon. Interesting stuff..! And in direct reply to your question, I live in Northern England, where tarantulas are most definitely not native..

I hadn't considered the idea of the wee beastie being from another dimension, but you've got me thinking about something else that happened to me aged 17, which was literally pivotal in my understanding / fear of reality. (I don't fear it now btw..!)

I'll relate that soon; I'm running a bit slow in updating the thread as my laptop charger has bust, meaning I can only work from the downstairs office - the thread updates are something I've been doing while lying in bed last thing at night....

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts - and I guess there is a possibility that the creature was interdimensional; however, my gut tells me that (on that particular occasion), it was a real, present-in-this-realm tarantula - the fact that the window was opened after I complained about it makes me suspect that she might have flicked it out. It's a bit extreme, but to be honest I have wondered whether it was even a crude assasination attempt..!

Anyway, I can't prove it either way - it's just one of those anomalous experiences that seems to add into the bigger picture...


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You raise a good point....!

I think what I'll do for now is relate a quick experience about something that happened when I was 11 (foregoing some other minor incidents pre-10yrs old). Having started secondary school, I began to have some problems with a clique of kids from richer backgrounds (it was a private school, so middle class was often considered poor). I was getting picked on, and having an emotional disposition it was upsetting me quite a bit. I told my Mum, and explained a few things that were happening. She told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, but that it was a good idea to get some hypnotherapy.. (???)

Anyway, we ended up going to an office block somewhere in the local city, and up to one of the higher floors (it was the sort of place where a hundred businesses share a hi-rise). On the floor in question was a business which appeared to have around 50 staff, most milling around with boxes of files, and not seemingly engaged in doing much else. As we (myself and my Mum) walked in, many of them stopped what they were doing and simply stared as we made our way past to a room built into the floor - apart from which the whole space was open plan. We didn't speak to a receptionist, just went straight over and into a little waiting area separated off from the main space.

I was the only 'patient', and within minutes was shown into the adjacent room. A female hypnotherapist greeted me, and explained that she would hypnotise me. At no point was it related to any 'therapy' - no questions were asked about the bullying, and no-one seemed interested in getting any other background. My Mum was asked to wait in the area outside, and we began. She started to ask me to visualise a garden, which was like a safe space, where I could relax etc etc. Anyway, I followed the instructions, and remember thinking - 'I'm relaxed, but this can't be working.'

Then I was awake again. The hypnotherapist was like a different person - very edgy, and she seemed glad to be rid of me as I exited. As I walked out with my Mum, several 'staff' were watching even more closely than before, and quite a few were whispering between themselves. I'd been 'under' for more than half an hour.

No further visits were made, no further discussion took place about the bullying... I couldn't see for the life of me how any of it was supposed to have helped. Anyway - the main thing to have come of it really was a suspicion that while I was 'under', anything could've been said to me, anyone could've entered the room without my knowledge - I could have said anything; I basically have no idea what went on. It was an extremely odd experience. Was I regressed? Were any subliminal messages or instructions implanted? Who knows... but it still spooks me when I remember it.

In itself, the experience proves nothing and amounts to not much more; considered with other aspects, it allows for the suggestion that perhaps more manipulation was going on than I'd originally realised. It certainly put me off hypnotherapy...!

I'll get back into a more coherent structuring in the next post. Still waiting for a laptop charger to arrive... Thanks for your patience.


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Hi Emphursis

Interesting thought, but a few years back I broke one of the bones in my right hand, and by goodness it hurt. Lots. And that was apparently a 'splinter' type fracture (ie - not a clean break), similar to what I apparently suffered aged two.

Seeing as I'm here (no laptop yet, but I've got a touch of insomnia), I may as well make the next post. In case you were wondering what happened to the completion of the physical assessment from much earlier, I haven't forgotten, but haven't had time to draw those sketches I promised. Will get round to it as soon as I can. For now though, I thought I'd lay out some of the basic timeline, for reference purposes, concerning where I was from age 10 to age 18 (when the majority of the crazy stuff went down).

10 - At home, having been brought back from my third runaway attempt. I never got too far at that age.

11 - Started secondary school - private education, sheltered environment. Felt separate, as ever. This is when I had the weird hypnosis experience.

12 - Started hanging round with a bad crowd, the unlikely ringleader of whom was an unusual little character who had close connections with senior ranking members of the Manchester underworld, despite being two years younger than me at the time. His mother was a bit like the cariactured McGuire mum in the TV sitcom Shameless.. Anyway, I was warned about him by a scout leader, who said I should:
" out for him - he's a clever one." More on him later.

14 - Smoking, drinking, using cannabis - started having experiences of unusual synchronicity, details of my dreams being commented on by people I was with, and so on. Started to fear some sort of conspiracy, when I found what appeared to be a manual of some sort - it had instructions on how to control others by using the power of suggestion (no BS, this was in the cupboard above my father's bed).

16 - Becoming deluded as to the nature of reality, primarily due to cannabis intake. Began to fear that there was no free will - that the universe ran in a mechanical, pre-destined manner. Started to interpret references in TV and radio programmes directly to myself - also began to believe strongly that my brother had been 'let in' on what was happening, owing to a major change in his attitude to me (he started to treat me as something less than him, again making comments about things I had done or said, despite him not being around when these things happened). Often, things were commented upon that happened when no-one was around.

17 - By now I believe strongly that I'm being watched, that people around me are keeping tabs on me, even that there are fibre-optic cameras installed in electronic devices such as alarm sensors and TVs etc. I hear my name specifically mentioned in context with the names of 'friends' on underground drum n' bass tapes, and I'm starting to have strong delusions about who I am in relation to the wider world around me. At this stage I swing between the idea that I'm somehow "special" and the opposite expression: utter terror that I'm going to be killed due to being somehow 'sub-human'. A specific incident caused that fear; various other comments made by 'friends' gradually led me into a fantasy regarding what I had to do in order to be 'allowed to live'.

NOTE - As I got a bit older, instead of re-evaluating, I chose to forget entirely. My conclusions at the time, extrapolating from the experiences, were to a certain level incorrect. However, I'm confident that there is something specific to be deduced, despite a level of uncertainty in the detail. This thread is the first time that I've reassessed the experiences since they occurred. Be aware that although the worst of the experiences stopped age 22, minor pointers and indicators continue to this day, as I'll show later.


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18 - Homeless since age 17, having been kicked out. Understandably in many respects, seeing as I was basically a paranoid stoner. Spent time in Wales, and between hostels in Manchester. Lived in a hostel where a neighbour literally put me under hypnosis using a pre-recorded tape. While under he showed me information about how approx 300 people in the UK were being watched by forces within the UK government, myself among them. Straight afterwards a book appeared in the shared living room. It was 'Gods of the New Millenium' by Alan F Alford, about ancient astronauts. I went to my room with the cannabis the neighbour (who'd hypnotised me) had given as a 'gift' and read for two days straight. The ideas presented added fuel to the delusions that were starting to form more coherently in my mind, regarding 'who' I was and 'why' I was in this situation. More about the specific thoughts later.

I would spend time drunk around the streets, and on one occasion (at three am on a weeknight) met someone who claimed to be homeless. Without prompting, he began to elucidate on the delusions I was having, stating categorically that I was a 'star in the show', and that I was the target of a mind-control program. He told me that there was little I could do for the time being, and that I should try to learn to live with it. He said that at some future point things would become clearer, and I would understand my 'purpose'.

Around that time I was kicked out for drinking (the whole period age 17-19 turns a bit fuzzy; this is where regression therapy with a trustworthy hypnotherapist will prove extremely useful - something I plan to undertake soon). I ended up in the psychiatric wards for the first time - voluntarily at first but then sectioned for a couple of months. Nothing got any easier, and I had a host of dark experiences, which I'll talk about later. Shortly afterwards, I went on a 'mad mission' round the UK (as mentioned in an earlier post) after receiving a text message reading: 'What do cowboys do when they see dolphins with three legs coming out of the sea?' - received on a brand new phone, just out of the box, having shared the number with no-one... Will talk about more of the specific details of that whole saga a bit later on as well.

And of course, at some point, after I've recovered as many memories as possible, I'll try to analyse what all of this actually stacks up to - if anything...

Bye for now,


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PS - to the person who asked about my ATS name - it refers to Zarasthudra, the 'Noah' character of the Sumerian Deluge epic. I heard somewhere that he was born with completely different genetic traits to those of his earthly parents, and that's why I chose the name.

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Hey there DBLoch

I like your honesty and that you're not simply either a) Writing the thread off as psychotic rambling, or b) Completely accepting everything you read at face value. Thanks for keeping my eye on the ball..! I can appreciate that in all likelihood there's an abundance of ATS users who will have glanced at this thread and promptly clicked onto something else; glad to be avoiding another 'nutjob'...

In fact, I was going to post a reply to your post earlier today, but decided to reflect a while longer before doing so. Basically, since last night, I've been considering asking the moderators to remove the thread entirely... This was entirely as the result of an emotional reaction to the resurgence of memories - and particularly the finality of realisation once they were 'set in stone' here on ATS.

I have in fact changed my mind - to a point. What I've decided on is that I'll make a few more posts, detailing a couple of the more precise experiences I can recall at the moment - and then I'll take a sabbatical, in order to collate further info (not to mention properly organise everything I've already written) and properly analyse/ draw conclusions etc, before presenting it in (hopefully) a more academic fashion. Otherwise, I run an increased risk of seeming too haphazard, relying on too much vague recall, ideas half presented and lost down the line etc.

In particular, I plan to undergo regression hypnosis. All being well, I intend to upload a video of the session to support/ nullify contextually relevant questions, along with a preamble detailing original expectations, comments on the process - and of course followed with a summary of any specific conclusions.

I also plan to undertake some more specific research into the nature of human psychology, any means of DNA testing that can be employed covertly, and I will be seeking out any remaining physical evidence - such as that manual relating to mind control.

Incidentally, has anyone ever heard of the research into a First Earth Battalion back in the 70s..? The manual I located was Darth Vader to the FEBs Luke Skywalker. Hopefully that makes sense - as I recall, the philosophical underpinnings of the manual, as well as its 'vibe' (yes, the damn thing had a bad 'vibe') - the whole impression was of a polar opposite to all the positive 'mind awareness' constructs in the FEBs manual.

So - the next post will be about some additional specific experiences, and then I'll try to tie up any loose ends/ answer any questions. I'll try to succinctly address any particular 'teasers' I've left open in previous posts so that I can't be accused of witholding info that wasn't there to start with (ie trolling). The final post will be a concise bullet list of the most specific things that have occurred which led me to suspect that all wasn't as it was being made to appear on the surface. I spoke with my wife about some of these things today - she knew there was a history of odd stuff, but wasn't aware of the extent of some of the weirdness. Though she struggled to handle the potential conclusions available to be drawn from some aspects, she's been (as ever) a great support.

Back soon,


PS - did anyone notice the extra smileys?

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Thanks for relating your experiences to us! I don't post much, but do a lot of reading here, but just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and its actually kinda therapeutic to read.

Your 'dream' of being strapped down and being experimented on and the thought that this may of actually happened before awakening from anesthetic, scared the living **** out of me, and will probably haunt me for a little while! lol. but thanks again!

ATS user 'WAYNO' -

Noah, I know this is somewhat cathartic and at the same time frightening for you, but keep in mind that, at the end of it all, in terms of the reader's perspective

it doesn't really matter how much of it is true or made up, it is still an interesting read either way.
it does not have to be logical, sequential and 100% reasonable for it to be interesting and informative; in fact too rational and it might get boring
nobody has the investment in it that you do. Their level of concern is negligible compared to yours -- so don't beat yourself up over it or force yourself to do any more than you are comfortable with.

We have all enjoyed the story, the intrigue, and marveled a bit at your pain and tribulations, as sick as that may sound.

As much as we want more, and to hear the ultimate message, we can wait. This is after all your situation. Take your time and do what makes sense for you, but do not worry about us. Putting it out before a crowd is not something the average Joe can do. So thanks, and congrats.

cheers, wayno

ATS user 'DBLOCH7986' -

Hello Noah. You can continue posting without having to sit back and make a large sequential list of events. Maybe a little back and forth banter between posters here and yourself may jog some memories.

Waking up while under sedation is a more common experience than you think. Most people that it happens to are like you: either they see it as a dream or sometimes they don't remember at all. It is a documented medical phenomenon. As well, having an "out-of-body" experience is common. Some patients have even described what they looked like on the operating table to the doctors after the procedure was over. There have also been documented cases of patients being wide awake but paralyzed and unable to move. They feel all the pain but the sedation does not allow them to move their arms or legs and renders their vocal cords useless. I can do some research at some point post it all here so you can read it. I am on my phone so I am rather limited right now.

You didn't answer my question about the possibility that you have been implanted with memories. If you don't want to, I understand. I just wasn't sure if you overlooked it or if you deliberately ignored it.

I do not put it past the agents of Rome to experiment on children. I hope you find out what was done to you. In the past the US government has marched soldiers into (also need to research this) nuclear fallout zones in Nevada during the nuclear weapons testing days. The monitored the soldiers and the soldiers children for generations to find out what the short- and long-term effects of fallout exposure would be. Perhaps they were doing similar experiments but with other types of weapons, viruses or any number of other agents you could be exposed to.

I also give your props for having the courage to speak out about what you think the TPTB were doing to you. I think many more people than will admit have been experimented on and don't want to talk about it. They would probably rather forget it. Or maybe they're afraid they would be called crazy. Its much like a rape victim not wanted to admit they were raped for fear of being labeled a "whore" or a "slut" or being shunned (this goes for men and women).
I also need to research this and give you some sources but a couple of years ago (in a ver scantily reported on incident) some soldiers wanted to sue the US Gov't for experimenting on them with '___' back in the Vietnam days (part of the well documented project called MK Ultra). The US Government asked them to prove that they were experimented on and of course they could not because they were not provided with documentation from the US Government that proved they were given '___'. All of their papers said they were given some kinds of vaccines to protect them from viruses in the Vietnam jungle. And of course the US Government conveniently had no documentation of what they were given (or it had been destroyed). So these soldiers' cases got thrown out of court. It was a sad story.

I also saw a story a couple of years back (again with the research) that showed the US Government sprayed an aerosol form of a virus into San Francisco, CA from the middle of the bay there. They got tons of people sick. But these people could not sue the government because they had no proof of what was being sprayed and therefore could not tie their illnesses to what was being sprayed. Even though the government admitted to spraying "something".

I should collect all these stories and post them in the Chemtrail forums and ask people why its so unreasonable to think that those airplanes are actually spraying something on us. Its been done before! Many times! But I digress.

The reasons mentioneded in both of my posts are why I lend credibility to your story and why I am interested to hear all of it. No matter what jumbled collection of vague memories you may have. Please do continue. The more info you give the more I might be able to come back and research your post. Maybe I can tie some things together for you.

"Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.
Justice the founder of my fabric mov'd:
To rear me was the task of power divine,
Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.
Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon ye who enter here.
Such characters in colour dim I mark'd
Over a portal's lofty arch inscrib'd:
Whereat I thus: Master, these words import." - Dante's Inferno

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Hi everyone.

Raziel - I definitely hear you regarding the anonymity thing. That's another part of the reason I was considering removing the thread... I've decided that there's every possibility that all my internet usage might be monitored anyway (going off some of the comments made by those close to me, but who don't actually live in my household), so what more can they do about it? Plus, if anyone who's involved reads this, then perhaps it will give them some greater understanding about what they're actually part of. I guess that not all the agents of conspiracy have all the details of the conspiracy they're a part of...? Thanks for your interest and positive comments - I will continue to update and 'to Hell with the consequences' for the moment...!

DBloch - Big thanks for your continued support I'd not intentionally passed over your point about memory implantation; I'd started to ponder the theory but got waylaid with other things - apologies for the time it's taken for me to get back to this thread...
I would say that now that you've got me thinking about the possibility of memory implantation, it's raised some curious (and frightening) issues... Firstly, there is no way for me to prove or disprove much of what I experienced when very young. My instinct tells me that what I remember was real; however, the brain is a powerful mechanism - handled in the right way it can produce extremely convincing illusions.

I'll have to come back to this later on - more to say, but have to get the lad to school.

Bye for now,


*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Thanks to everyone for the recent postings. Apologies for not having made any progress as yet, it's been a difficult week for a number of reasons. Emphursis; I very much appreciate your reflections - I agree with you that there may be many experiences that were 'tainted' by the underlying oddness, a perception enhanced perhaps by drug use etc. I must stress to others who have again suggested paranoia, schizophrenia etc - I was examined for this by three or four specialist psychiatrists - the first suggested 'possible schizophrenia' - the rest refuted that and changed/agreed with the next diagnosis of an 'anxiety-related' condition. As I say, I appreciate that people are taking the time to make their thoughts known. Oh, and incidentally, I no longer have any paranoia - I view things objectively and view exceptionally odd events and comments with a sceptical mindset.

Most recently there have been several comments made by people I know, and others I don't know - after the initiation of this thread.

My parents again referenced details of privately held conversations / locations I had visited that they should have absolutely no knowledge of if I am not under some form of observation. I can say only that these were not errors of perception; no-one they knew was present in any of the locations, and some of the conversations referenced were known only to myself and my wife. Who assures me she has not passed anything to them regarding those chats (and in some cases she couldn't possibly have shared the info.

A group of youths I passed recently watched me pass and then shouted: "I've heard of you, Michael ...(my real surname)..." NB My name isn't Michael, and my surname is unusual. I turned round to check, and they were looking in my direction, running away once they saw that I'd turned round. I was about 50 yards away from them, and didn't indicate in any way that I was going to approach them, but still they ran off.

A man and woman were walking behind me as I went to the corner shop. They were 5 yards behind me, and the woman suddenly said - far too loud for it to be unintentional - "He's the one who thinks he's Michael". They were of a different social demographic to the youths mentioned previously. This couple were middle class and well presented.

* Takes a deep breath *

One of my old delusions was that I was Michael, the archangel - there's a number of things that led to me holding that view (it sounds crazy on writing it down), and I don't mind discussing them further in a future post. However, I NEVER shared that thought with anyone, with the exception of my wife recently, after several years of marriage, when we were discussing the problems I had as a teenager.

That's enough for now.

Wayno - I think you were waiting for the bomb to drop regarding what my primary delusion used to be - there you go..! I decided to just make the statement, instead of skipping around myself wondering whether it's something I should share..

Please - before anyone decides to howl in derision and make nasty comments - bear in mind that I was under a lot of stress back then, and WAS subject to some extremely bizarre circumstance and events, particularly between 13-10 years ago. The delusion surfaced at age 16 and I dealt with it by around age 19. Certain oddities of circumstance have persisted to the present day, despite my otherwise sane outlook on life... Again, more details to follow when I work up the strength to mount an offensive against the most troubling memories. Thanks for your patience.


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ATS user 'WAYNO' -

Very nicely put, and understood.

As its been said you have a way with words that is quite something. I see you definitely having a highly productive future ahead of you in this field.


Sorry for the late reply.
That last post of yours contained some very intriguing points.
Specifically, the comments from the youths and the couple.

It is possible that while you were under the influence of drugs, you mentioned something about being the Archangel Micheal and the was passed around until the group of kids heard it. The same with the man and woman.
However, that is very unlikely, considering how you said they were from distinctly different age groups and demographic's.

You also said that there were occasions appeared to have knowledge of conversations they could not have known about. As far as I can tell, there are three possible reasons for this:

1) You are being watched. This seems far-fetched, but considering the other experiences you have described, it doesn't seem to be beyond the realms of possibility.

2) You are subconsciously linking your conversations to things your parents have said. I am sure you are aware of the way humans subconsciously try and find faces in everything. It is possible you are doing the same here, trying to find links between the two, looking too deeply into comments, ect.

3) Finally, they were actually there, and you have forgotten/blanked it out/been forced into forgetting. If this is the case, it is possible the hypnosis I believe you mentioned may help draw those memories out.

If you feel you can, I would like to hear more about your Archangel Micheal delusions.

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Hi Emphursis

I appreciate your feedback - with regards to your thoughts on the possibility that I might have mentioned the delusion under the influence of drugs, it's simply not possible for a couple of reasons. The delusion didn't actually start clearly with the point in time at which the old homeless dude suggested my real name was Michael. I didn't link several events together until much later - a time when I was no longer hanging around with anyone. I quite literally became a sort of hermit... Plus, I never got to the point of blackout when using with those friends, and for many years had fairly clear recall concerning my input to the conversations we had.

The delusion seemed to develop somewhat organically - initiating with the incident described above (the old man carried a bible around with him everywhere he went, and spoke of it as a 'magical' book).

One of the guys I hung around with once started talking in an unprompted, out-of-context, cryptic manner, when we weren't under the influence of anything at all - we'd just been walking to meet another 'friend'... He said - 'Do you think you're the dapper don..? Do you believe you have Shaolin skills..?' I looked at him, baffled, and said I hadn't a clue what he was talking about. He smirked and said 'You know what I'm talking about...' In recent months I've realised that back then, the drum n' bass culture used 'dapper don' as an underground rhyming slang for the concept of 'The One' (as espo

posted on Jun, 19 2011 @ 01:40 PM
reply to post by FlyInTheOintment

Could you sum all that up with a single sentence ?
Just as a taste, before I read the whole wall of text

posted on Jun, 19 2011 @ 01:58 PM
reply to post by Vandalour

Certainly... A couple of short paragraphs should do the trick. I'm ad-libbing here, so I may miss something crucial out of the equation - if so I will edit later...

"I have, on occasion, been firmly convinced that my reality is shaped by the same insidious forces that currently plot the NWO, and who are responsible for the creation of my physical form by the use of genetic experimentation under the auspices of secret military duties on an RAF base in Eastern England in the early eighties."

"The overriding concern that I have currently is that the deceptions of my childhood and family 'back-story' are now becoming plain as day, and even ten years after the worst of the experiences, these people are still making a point of their power and control by demonstrating knowledge of my personal life that could not be known without constant, intrusive surveillance. What will become of my children if they insist on playing their little games?"

"My dreams and ''spiritual experiences' have demonstrated that there is much more to life than meets the eye. I am convinced that we are all capable of acting as channels for the powers beyond our senses. In which direction we choose to progress (darkness or light) is up to us."

Hope that more or less sums up some of the key points... As I say, will edit later after further reflection in case I missed something.

posted on Jun, 19 2011 @ 11:03 PM
It seems a wall of text is very of-putting...

Ah well, it's here if anyone has a spare half hour to kill.

Any questions, please feel free to ask.



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