Ladies, what exactly do you expect from us? (Being a good boyfriend/spouse)

Women, what exactly do you expect from a boyfriend?

Im so confused right now. I do a lot of things right, but it just seems like you expect everything from us men. I could be wrong of course, and maybe Im not doing enough emotionally to keep my girlfriend happy, and she never says anything direct, Im always expected to read between the lines.

So ladies, any tips on what I shoudl take on board to keep my girlfriend happy? We do love each other but it just seems that whenever I make a mistake, its always a big deal, and half the time I dont mean to, or dont even know Im doing something wrong.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


I dont think they themselves know

Its like writing me a blank check and ask me "how much do I want"... I know I want a lot... but hell, if I had a choice of an unlimited amount I wouldnt know where to start!

Sounds like you both need to work on communicating with each other.

And by communicating, I don't mean throwing dishes/yelling.

Originally posted by ThinkingCap
Sounds like you both need to work on communicating with each other.

And by communicating, I don't mean throwing dishes/yelling.

Exactly! Communication is the key...

That or convert to islam and convince her to do the same... that will work wonders also.

reply to post by ThinkingCap


Its not so much the communication, its just that Im not exactly what is expected of me to make me a good boyfriend thats all

Accepting that people are individuals is a good first place to start.
We are all individuals with unique expectations, if we have expectations at all.

Be caring, considerate, highly smart (Like him) and that you to support me with what I need support with.
For me, that'll never happen and you need to communicate more.

Peace

reply to post by OzWeatherman


try this:
both partners work on getting in better shape. i'm not saying size zero, but healthy shape. appearance means alot to both partners.

find time for yourselves.

find time for eachother. go for walks, read the same books and discuss them, take cooking class together or just get a recipe online and have fun.

to get the fires going again you need to start with some kindling.

-subfab

If you have to ask, and keep asking, then they'll eventually expect you to lasso the moon!

reply to post by OzWeatherman


The world and nothing short.
If you are unwilling to give said world, bump on to the next as this one is definately not the right one.
She should also feel the same of you, if not see line number two.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Listen to what she has to say, even if you aren't interested....and if you aren't, just keep attentative anyway while thinking of her in something hot, lol...the point is to give her attention when she speaks and acknowledge what she says (I know this is a tough one for guys!)

Give her a compliment at least once a day, or at least try to find something nice she has done and tell her. Don't know anyone's ages here, but making her feel good about herself never gets old! We women like to feel valued.

Always be honest. Can't fudge on this! If you mess up, be honest and own up to it.

If you have female friends, have your phone conversations with them in her presence, so she is not threatened.

It will make her feel good if you are up front about planning time with your guy friends, but in the same conversation, also bring up something the two of you can do together.

Give her little inexpensive gifts now and then, like her favorite candy or a favorite bottle of wine, it shows you are thinking of her.

If she has a problem with something that you do, say, or have done, see the situation from her point of view and don't tell her she is being insecure, jealous, or neurotic. this invalidates her feelings. Instead, again, listen to how she feels about it and then make a compromise with her about how it can be resolved.There are always power struggles in relationships that move beyond the infatuation stage into the long term committment stage, and compromise is the one thing that always needs to be maintained in any relationship.

Honestly, and i may get slammed for saying this, but, a lot of women are treated too good, and get spoiled, demanding and must have their way all the time. I hope this is not what you are dealing with because it's childish behavior that is hard to break.

Anyway, this is just my two cents worth. This comes from my own experiences in my relationships as well as what I observe from my daughters, friends, etc.

Now I would love to get the same opinions on the flip side of what exactly men want from women?

Coming from a woman's perspective here, just my 2 cents. I learned the hard way that the more I wanted or expected, the less I got. I learned that expecting less got me more. I was in a bad relationship for 11 years and had three kids. At the end, I was sleeping on the couch and he would leave for days at a time and come home all messed up.

Today, I'm in a much better relationship, have 2 kids with him and we're 11 years in and it feels like the first month still. I've changed my attitude a lot and do little things for him to show him I love him and he does the same for me, and no one really expects anything of anyone. Expecting leads to disappointment which ultimately leads to animosity. Also, you can't read her mind and she can't read yours, so, yes, communication is really important. No one on this board can tell you what she expects or wants. Only she can and if she doesn't tell you and you don't tell her, that's nothing but trouble in the making.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


OZ, is your girlfriend a little over the top in the "emotionally-high maintenance" department? If so, that is her issue, not yours. You meet someone half-way, remember. You can't undergo a complete personality meltdown, or you will lose yourself for her, and I promise you that's not what you want to do. You become her puppet, and she will lose respect for you, and somewhere along the way, you will become unhappy. You seem to accept her the way she is, and maybe a little of that should be reciprocated ?

First and Foremost: Men don't do "subtle". If she has something she wants you to do, or say, or not say, or not do, then she is going to have to tell you outright. Men don't always pick up on little clues like women do. They need to be told, and sometimes that fixes the problem.

Ask her to tell you outright what it is she needs from you, and see if she will be honest about it. It sounds like she needs a lot from you. Then you determine whether you are able to meet her needs, or if you can sustain meeting them for a long period of time. Also, she can cut you some slack. You are one of the good guys, and you seem to be really trying in this relationship. She should be able to see that by now.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
Women, what exactly do you expect from a boyfriend?

Im so confused right now. I do a lot of things right, but it just seems like you expect everything from us men. I could be wrong of course, and maybe Im not doing enough emotionally to keep my girlfriend happy, and she never says anything direct, Im always expected to read between the lines....

My thoughts as a long-married woman...

Your girlfriend is passive-aggressive, expecting you to read her mind. Also, her expectations are too high. I found happiness this way: if I didn't ask for it, I can't expect it. Anything I get that wasn't asked for is bonus. I shouldn't ask for anything that I'm not willing to give.

What I'm guessing is that primarily she is using you as a scapegoat for her own personal turmoils. If she is under the age of 40, turmoil is going to be frequent & happen regularly, about twice a month. It's easy as a woman to make the man somehow responsible for our every unhappiness.

But it's unfair. And wrong.

This is the ugly side of feminism (and I believe there are good sides to it, too) - men are held to ridiculous, unattainable standards and then made the scapegoat for our emotional problems.

It isn't your responsibility to make her happy. If she doesn't show up happy & remain that way on her own, what do you want with her? She's just going to torture you for as long as you put up with it.

It happens all the time as a woman that I might feel vaguely pissy for no real reason. It's my responsibility as a woman to be mature enough to deal with this internally, not torture other people with it. Overcoming our own hormones is part of becoming a true woman. Girls who never take responsibility and blame it on whatever man or other woman who comes their way... are just immature girls. Not real women.

I cannot speak for all women, but there was a time that I was overly emotional (when I was younger), and if my boyfriend would let me act out, I did as I wanted. He would either relentlessly ask me "Whats wrong?", "Are you mad at me?", and I saw him as a push over.

Then I met my match, someone that wasn't mean to me, but didn't take my crap either. Though we later broke up (years later), we are still friends and always agreed that we were better off being honest with each other, we even give each other relationship advice.

Sometimes (some women) need someone to be a challenge intellectually, spiritually, and communication wise. Maybe shes just waiting for you to let her know that you love her, but you will not be a doormat to tantrums, but a bit of communication, and compromise can get you guys on the right track.

Good Luck, NRE.

communication is definatly the key to a good relationship

After being married for forty years, I find, I still cannot answer that question,

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
reply to post by ThinkingCap

 

Its not so much the communication, its just that Im not exactly what is expected of me to make me a good boyfriend thats all

You and me both and other men too. Pesky women....

I know what you're saying though, it's real hard to tell. Trying to ask a significant other is tough too because it's always hard to bring up and you fear that whole "after all this time you don't know me" crap.

Best things I ever manage to do are drop hints or go to female friends and ask them what they think of a situation.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Love, trust. fidelity, communication, hugs, kisses, a listening ear, understanding, humor, help with cleaning, cooking, laundry and grocery shopping. Good personal hygiene. No domestic violence.

All of the above needs to be given by the woman to the man too...if not....move on...and find someone else.

Im so confused right now. I do a lot of things right, but it just seems like you expect everything from us men. I could be wrong of course, and maybe Im not doing enough emotionally to keep my girlfriend happy, and she never says anything direct, Im always expected to read between the lines.

Ahh, the old "well, you should KNOW what's wrong..." bit.

First of all, a little romance always helps. Just little things. Not all the time (or it loses the message and importance)...but every now and then, say once every couple of weeks...try and do something romantic for her.

Whether it's as simple as a note on her purse saying "I love you", or a rose when you walk in the door...it's just a quick way of saying that even though the chase is over, she's still worth wooing.

Once you've been with someone a bit, you should be able to somewhat read between the lines, but it's harder for us. We're simple creatures. We want food, fun, sleep, and not necessarily in that order. They are much more complex.

Two words sum it up best. BE CONSIDERATE.

CONSIDER her feelings about things you do or will do. CONSIDER how they affect her. CONSIDER even small things that you can do that will show her she made the right choice. Whether it's picking up after yourself around the house, or giving her time and money to do something she likes that you particularly don't etc.